Crazy For You
by Clarry
Summary: Logan Mitchell suffers from multiple personality disorder. He meets his equal in James Diamond, who refuses to accept that he is also afflicted with the condition. If Logan can't appeal to Diamond, though, perhaps he can get through to James' alter ego-if he can stay in control of his own mind long enough to get anywhere, that is. Multiple pairings of James/Logan.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Massive author's notes for this one:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

Second. This damn story can be blamed solely on **waterwicca**. I had the idea while writing "Keep Me in the Dark" but quickly chased it away, not even allowing it to take hold because that story was confusing enough by itself and I knew something like this would be a thousand times worse. Then Heather started spamming my ask box with the same idea, and I immediately ran away screaming because I just didn't want to do something like this. She kept going, though. And then we started discussing what it would be like and before I knew it, I was hooked. She gave me some good ideas, I threw in some of my own, and so we have this. It was supposed to be fun and lighthearted but 50 pages in, there's already angst. I should've kept running. So **waterwicca**, this one's for you. I hope it satisfies your craving.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

Lastly, thanking my beautiful betas **Aranelle** and **jdmazz**. Both of them were skeptical in the beginning, but after reading more of it they are hooked as well and I'm so grateful to them for giving their time and attention to my ramblings. I know a lot of you were looking forward to the Kames I was writing, but both of my betas agreed that the Kames wasn't working, they said it felt like my heart wasn't in it. It's true, it wasn't. So I went with this instead and thank them both for letting me know the other wasn't up to par. Maybe someday down the road I'll do another Kames.

If you're still reading, thank you for taking a chance on me. It's going to get crazy before this is over haha. I love you guys!

* * *

Logan Mitchell was nervous. He was a nervous person by nature, so that wasn't anything new, but biting his fingernails while tapping his foot and glancing around in fear, that was a whole new level even for him.

What must they all be thinking of him right now? Logan furtively took in the faces spread around the circle of chairs before looking down at himself through the eyes of a stranger. He wasn't hideous, but he was so...plain. His sneakers weren't designer, nor were his faded jeans and button-down collared white shirt. It helped that most in the group were dressed casually, the way he was, but still he felt inferior. Why couldn't he be smooth and stylish, someone who could melt hearts with a flirty smile and twinkling brown eyes?

Although recently he'd discovered he _could_be, which was what landed him here in the first place.

A new face entered the room, Logan's eyes tracking his longish brown hair that seemed to glow under the fluorescent lighting. His eyes were brighter even than that, though, the muddy colors of a forest. _Or why can't I have glowing hazel eyes and perfectly-groomed hair, wow. Who the __heck is that guy?_

Taking an empty seat across the circle, the object of Logan's attention crossed his arms over his chest and stretched out his legs. His entire aura screamed "I'm way too good for all of you and I'm only favoring you with my presence because I have to." He sighed heavily, expression bored as he stared back at those looking at him.

Logan being one of them, he averted his eyes quickly before being sucked into that apathetic glare. Now he was even more nervous, because Mr. I'm Too Sexy was seriously hot. It was bad enough that Logan was here, why did he have to be in the presence of someone who brought out his homosexual tendencies? He'd attempted to curb those, had in fact been trying to smother any urges at all because they distracted him from his studies. Life would be so much simpler without hormones.

Eyes downcast, Logan caught the sexy thing tapping his foot as well, and of course he was wearing sneakers that probably cost a fortune. The jeans must have, too, and that leather jacket...yeah. Logan would guess he came from money.

But then what was he doing here?

_It takes all kinds, Logan. Even rich people can be crazy_.

Gaze straying slowly up to take in soft pink lips, Logan bit his own when an even pinker tongue peeked out to slide over the top one. He squirmed slightly in his seat, eyes bugging out when the lips puckered into a silent kiss. Panicked, Logan realized too late he'd been caught staring and sat paralyzed by a gaze filled with desire as it looked right back at him.

_Oh my...whoa. Is he feeling it, too?_

Suddenly the gorgeous creature busted into laughter, throwing his head back before tilting it forward again to smirk at Logan. "Take a picture, it'll last longer."

Cheeks flaming, Logan sat up straighter and crossed his own arms over his chest, staring at his feet and mumbling, "I wasn't looking at you."

"Oh, I think you were. And you liked what you saw." Mr. Sexy grinned before adding, "Not that anyone can blame you. I _am_rather pretty."

"I'm going to guess you're in for narcissism."

The guy shrugged, unashamed. "One of my many assets. And I do have nice..._assets_."

Now Logan's face was on fire. They had become the focus of the other ten or so people present, a mixture of males and females young and old. Logan hated being the center of attention unless he was imparting knowledge.

Luckily the group leader entered just then, smiling at everyone and greeting them like old friends-all except for Logan, who had never been to one of these meetings before and was scared out of his mind.

_That's an accurate way to phrase it. You're here because you're out of your mind._

Sitting down in a chair midway between Logan and Hot Guy, the leader set an insulated coffee mug on the empty seat to his right. He shifted to set a clipboard on his lap, digging out a pen before passing both to the left. "Please sign in, and once you've done that feel free to grab some coffee and donuts from the table in the back if you haven't already. I think you all know me by now except...you must be Logan."

Logan nodded, embarrassed again to be addressed.

"I'm assuming...Mitchell?"

"Yes, sir." Logan held out his hand automatically and the man stood to reach across and shake.

"I'm Thomas, we're happy to have you here. We'll go around the circle to introduce everyone."

Logan leaned back against his seat again, arms wrapped around himself though he was trying to relax. He'd never felt so exposed.

"Don't be nervous, Logan, you'll be accepted here. In fact, James suffers your same condition."

Thomas motioned to the sex god, who snorted and rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I keep telling you it's not true. Don't you think I'd know?"

"James is also still in denial after months."

"It's the truth!" James yelled. "You guys can show me as many videos as you want, I know better. There is no way in hell I have an alter ego, not unless it's someone cool like Batman or Superman."

"Or Bandana Man?" one of the men tittered, earning a death glare from James.

"Shut up, Rob! Bandana Man's cool! Way cooler than you'll ever be."

Thomas broke in. "James, there's no need to be rude. And Rob, we don't make fun of others."

"Like he doesn't make fun of us?" Rob complained.

"He's better about that now," Thomas soothed.

The clipboard reached Logan, who studied it before lifting the pen to sign his own name next to the number eleven. He noted number three belonged to James Diamond, the letter "i" complete with a star dotting it. He barely suppressed an eye roll, but something James had said stuck with him.

"Excuse me, did you say something about videos you've been shown?"

James' gaze narrowed across the circle, arms over his chest again. "Are you in on this, too? Out to take me down?"

"I...uh...no, I just..."

"James also suffers paranoia," Thomas inserted.

"That is not me in those videos!" James exclaimed, sitting up in agitation. "You guys hired an actor who looks like me, but you messed up on one thing. His hair sucks, he doesn't even try. That's how I know it's not me; if it was, he'd have great hair."

"James, I've explained that your secondary personality is opposite of you in many ways. It's how you cope when the stress gets to be too much. There's no shame in it, and eventually we'll find a way to blend the two. Hopefully. The first step is admitting it, though."

"Do you have any distinguishing marks?" Logan suddenly asked.

"Excuse me?"

"Like...tattoos or scars or moles. That's how they convinced me, although I already suspected it. I admit it was terrifying, but not even an actor can fake that."

Fear cropped up in James' gaze but he replied, "Sure they can. Make-up artists can fake anything."

"But why would your doctors go to all that trouble? What does it matter to them?"

"Because they're jealous," James answered patiently, as if speaking to a child. "They want to hold me back. They all want to be me."

"I see." And Logan did see-paranoia, narcissism, mania, grandiose behavior...James Diamond was a mess.

"James," Thomas interrupted. "Go get some donuts and coffee. Logan, would you like some before you get started?"

"No, thank you. My nerves are already wound up enough."

"Anyone else?"

A few joined James at the table in the back while Thomas leaned over to speak softly. "He's got a long way to go. Any tips you think will help him, feel free to let me know. I read in your file you have medical training?"

"A little bit. This uh...condition. It slows me down because I lose time. If not for the other guy, I would've had a few years of college under my belt by now. I'm very knowledgeable about multiple personality disorder, though, I read everything I could find about it once I suspected that was happening."

"But still you didn't accept it until they filmed a session with your doctor and played it back for you?"

"Well, you have to understand that Henderson doesn't like doctors, so a lot of times I'd get close to diagnosis but he'd take over before we could get there. He figures God will handle everything."

Thomas nodded. "Which makes sense, since your life's calling is to be a doctor. The secondary usually shies away from things pertaining to the root personality."

Logan shrugged. "He seems like a nice enough guy, at least. Are we sure this isn't James' alternate personality? It seems pretty over the top to be real."

"No," Thomas chuckled. "James Diamond is real. He's been like that all his life, according to family. It's gotten worse the past year, though, as the new personality emerged. Obviously his paranoia is out of control."

The subject of their discussion slid into his chair, happily munching on a jelly donut. Feeling eyes on him, he glanced up and immediately glared. "Talking about me?"

"Paranoid?" Logan shot back.

The glare intensified, then James rose to approach Logan. He was still nervous, still uncomfortable being here at all, but he held his ground and remained seated. When James offered a chocolate donut wrapped in a napkin, Logan's eyes widened.

"Here. You look like you're having a rough night."

Logan blinked, shocked by the kind gesture. "Did you spit in it or something?"

Raising an eyebrow in amusement, James asked, "Paranoid?"

Logan grabbed the donut with flushed cheeks. "Thanks," he mumbled. "Chocolate is my favorite."

"I know." When Logan's eyebrows shot up in surprise, James answered the unasked question. "Because you have good taste," he added with a smirk. "And you're really cute when you blush."

Logan was once again bright red as the meeting was called to order.

* * *

Thomas made the rounds in the group, getting each member to talk about the week since the previous meeting. James wasn't very forthcoming, Logan noticed, and wondered if he was always like that or if he was thinking about things Logan had said. It appeared the two of them were the only ones in the group afflicted with dissociative identity disorder, which would have given them an automatic bonding point had James not been so much in denial of his condition.

Logan was still nervous but attempted to open up when attention was turned to him. Thomas introduced him to the group, stating unnecessarily that it was his first time here and explaining that Logan shared his body with a separate personality his brain had created. "How did it get to this point, Logan? Are you comfortable sharing your story?"

Knowing Thomas wanted him to for James' sake, as well as the fact that his psychiatrist had sent him here for that express purpose, to interact with others in a group setting, Logan shrugged. "I don't really know for sure when it started. My mom noticed me acting differently my senior year, she says I'd come home from school some days and not even care about my homework. If you know me, you know that's the first sign of insanity."

Across from him James made a derisive sound. Logan raised an eyebrow but James remained silent, arms crossed over his chest again.

"Did you experience memory loss with that, then?" Thomas asked.

"Yeah, I'd be eating dinner or watching T.V. and suddenly realize I didn't remember even coming home. The last thing I'd remember is being at school or walking home or something. It scared me."

At that point James' eyes narrowed; he didn't like what he was hearing.

"And I'd ask Mom things like 'What's for dinner?' and she'd say 'Honey, we just ate.' I had no memory of eating. At first I thought she was joking with me, like it was this running joke where I'd ask questions and she'd give me answers like that, but at the same time I knew something was wrong because I'd be sitting at my desk full, and I never eat until I'm full. I have a particular routine when it comes to meals and snacking, so for me to feel like I'd overeaten was odd."

This had to be boring for the other members of the group, but they seemed to be curious as Thomas chuckled. "Your secondary personality likes to eat?"

"He does! I come home and find the craziest things in my cupboard. He loves cookies. I mean, cookies are okay, but my cupboard will be _full_ of them. The only good thing is that sometimes I'll come home and find leftovers from some awesome meal he cooked. The guy knows how to cook, though I have no idea where he would've learned. I think the worst part is not being able to communicate with him. I can't sit him down and have a talk because we never exist at the same time."

Logan took a chance and glanced at James, noting that he was staring at the floor now, hands clasped between his knees. Suddenly he wished they were alone, that he could drag James out of here and get him talking, explain that he understood and it was okay to accept the disorder. The difficult part was living with it on a daily basis, because Logan never knew when Henderson would make an appearance.

"Have you considered setting up a video camera in your apartment, Logan? Leaving notes for him around the house?"

"I've already done some of that, left him notes to remind him of things in case I'm not around when the time comes. I've been thinking about making a video to talk to him, hoping he'll make one for me in return."

"Okay, this whole thing is insane," James exploded. "You are seriously crazy, buddy."

Rob smirked from Logan's right. "In case you haven't noticed, James, we're all crazy. That's why we're here."

"_I'm_ not. I'm here because I have to be. Everyone thinks I'm nuts like him, but they're wrong."

"So you've never had instances of missing time, James?" Logan asked softly. "Come home to find strange clothes in your closet? Found a note you didn't remember writing?"

The terror in James' eyes broke Logan's heart.

"It's okay, you know," he soothed. "Nobody wants to be crazy, but there's a reason for it. We just don't know how to cope otherwise. Our alternate personalities take over when the stress is too much. It's not something you can control, but the more aware of it you are the easier it is to manage. Sometimes you're even able to blend the two personalities, though that can take years It doesn't always happen."

"Look, dude, you can be crazy all you want. Don't try to push your shit on me."

"James-"

"I said leave me alone!" James yelled, standing up. "I don't need this shit! I bet you're a doctor, too, aren't you? They sent you in here to try to catch me, see if I slip up. It's not going to work, no matter how cute you are! I brought you a donut and this is how you repay me?"

Logan was speechless, honestly amazed at how ridiculously paranoid this man was.

"James," Thomas tried, "just relax."

"Fuck all of you! I'm done with this place."

Logan watched him storm out, rising to follow. He didn't know the man, but he understood the fear. "Thomas...can I..."

"Please. No one else seems to get through to him, maybe you'll have better luck."

Rushing out of the room and down a flight of stairs, Logan stepped out into the cold night air and looked around. James was nowhere to be found, how had he gotten away so fast? He was about to return to the building when a voice hailed him from the corner.

"Excuse me."

Logan spun around, eyes widening when he realized it was James, who was holding a phone to his ear.

"I'm sorry to bother you, but can you tell me what intersection this is? There aren't any street signs. Who doesn't put up street signs?"

It was the same voice, same hair, same clothing, but Logan knew it wasn't the same person. He had met the other James.

* * *

"Uh...we're at Austin and Jefferson," Logan replied, wondering how he should handle this. He didn't want to set James off again and had no idea what he was dealing with in this new personality.

"Thanks," James smiled, nodding before turning away. "Come on, Mom, really? Pick up."

"Are you lost?" Logan ventured, stepping closer.

"I've just never been in this neighborhood before. Damn." He hung up the phone, scrolling through the contacts and shaking his head. Logan imagined he didn't know who half the people were.

"Where do you live? I could get you there."

Immediately suspicious, James glanced at him briefly before politely saying, "Thanks, but I'll figure it out. My mom will answer. Eventually."

"Okay. I'm Logan." Of course he was never this bold, but he wasn't ready to give up yet. He held out a hand, James again suspicious.

"Look, I appreciate the help, but I'm not looking to hook up tonight. I just want to get home."

Logan let his hand drop, nodding before sliding his hands into his pockets. "I understand. I'm uh..." Thinking fast, Logan spied a diner across the street. "I'm going to head over there and get some coffee to warm up. If you need anything, just let me know. I swear I'm not after your body," he teased, hoping to get a smile out of the man.

He was rewarded with a tiny smirk as James had the decency to blush. "Yeah, I...I'm sorry. I get hit on all the time and it gets to be a bit much after a while. But thanks."

"Anytime."

Logan slowly made his way to the corner, hoping James would change his mind and join him. He waited at the crosswalk, restraining himself from looking back before stepping off the curb. He was almost to the diner when he chanced it, one last look over, and found James watching him with hands in the pockets of his jeans as if contemplating. Logan smiled at him, lifting a hand to wave before disappearing into the diner.

_Come on, James, come on. You can do this. Come talk to me._

There was already a cup of coffee in front of him when a blast of cold air from outside announced the arrival of James. Trying not to show his relief, Logan pretended not to notice.

"Hey, um...hi."

Logan smiled up at James. "Hi, there. Can I buy you a cup of coffee?"

"No, I can buy for myself, but thanks." He slid into the booth across from Logan. "I'm James."

"Nice to meet you." Logan reached across and they shook this time. "So are you lost?"

"Um. It's hard to explain. I'll get home, I'm not worried about it. I don't live far."

"At the risk of scaring you, I'd be glad to give you a lift somewhere."

James chuckled, cheeks reddening again. "How about we start with coffee?"

Curious to know if James' alter ego was opposite the way his own was, Logan replied, "Pie? Cake? I think they have cookies, too." James Diamond had seemed to enjoy sweets.

"Wow, that sounds great, but I try to watch what I eat. You should get something, though."

"No, I'm the same way," Logan smiled. He wondered suddenly what Diamond and Henderson would be like paired together. It was a scary thought.

A waitress approached and took an order for James' coffee, Logan adding a banana nut muffin to his meal. James tilted his head and said, "That's perfect. I'll take one, too."

They grinned at each other, Logan letting out an inner sigh of relief. Maybe he could get through to this personality more easily, as it seemed much more rational.

"What about you?" James wanted to know, relaxing in the booth. "Just hanging out in the city?"

"I was at a meeting earlier. I left it early."

"Boring?"

"No, it was actually interesting. I met some fascinating people."

"Then why leave?"

Logan shrugged, choosing to remain silent on that. The waitress arrived with the coffee and muffins, both of them turning down the offer of butter. James kindly thanked the waitress at the same time Logan did, and Logan was blown away by the difference in his personality. Having seen his own opposite on camera, though, he knew better than anyone that he shouldn't be surprised.

"Do you live around here?" James asked as he used a fork to cut into the large muffin.

"I live near the university. Apartment a block away, makes it easier."

"Oh, what are you studying?"

"Medicine. I'm planning to be a doctor."

"Any area in particular?"

"Well, I've dreamed of being a surgeon for most of my life, but lately I'm taking an interest in mental health."

"Wow, really? Those are two very different fields. Why the change?"

Logan chose his words carefully. "I've become fascinated with abnormal psychology. I think I might be able to help people who suffer from conditions like anxiety and paranoia. Multiple personality disorder, things of that nature."

"Whoa. That's a lot to take on."

"Yes, well, at the risk of scaring you once again, I'll tell you that I have personal experience with MPD."

James' chewing slowed. He lifted the mug to his lips and swallowed, giving himself time to digest that. Logan ate his muffin and waited it out.

"I'm not too familiar with that. Basically it's having more than one personality, right?"

"Yes. I have two, one that comes out when I'm overwhelmed or stressed or feeling like I can't handle a situation. He's a lot more confident than I am, able to just let things happen and not worry so much about the future."

"How do you um...how do you know? What he's like?"

"My therapist has shown me video. It's weird, almost like being hypnotized. She can make him come out sometimes, I actually watched her do it. One minute I was me and she was trying to talk to him, the next my whole demeanor changed. I flirted with the woman! I don't flirt with anyone!"

James managed a smile as he chewed again. "So if you suddenly start flirting with me, I should be scared?"

"Maybe," Logan smirked, then blushed. "See? I can't even do that properly. I'm horrible at it."

"You're not doing so bad," James replied softly, giving Logan a smirk of his own. "You got me to come over here, and that's saying a lot. I don't trust strangers."

"But you trust me?"

James shrugged. "I'm not sure yet. Keep talking."

Laughing, Logan picked at his muffin. "You're not so bad at flirting yourself, James."

"I'm not flirting, I'm simply sharing a cup of coffee with a nice guy who offered me help when I needed it. You should totally become a therapist, you're a natural."

"Yeah, until Henderson takes over and gets the patients to sit on his lap."

James choked on his muffin, lifting up a napkin to cover his mouth as he coughed. He down coffee before asking, "Is that what he did? He got your doctor to sit on his lap?"

"No," Logan chuckled. "But I can see him looking at a pretty woman and saying something like 'Come sit with me and talk about it. Right here.'" Logan patted his lap and shook his head. "He loves the ladies."

James' lips curved up in amusement. "And uh...do you?"

Logan bit his lip, suddenly nervous again.

"You don't have to answer that, Logan. I was just-"

"No. Girls don't do much for me. I realized that when I was about seventeen. It um...I think that's one of the reasons Henderson came about. I didn't want to be gay. Didn't want to think about sex at all, actually."

"What's wrong with sex?"

"Nothing, as far as I know. I just don't want to waste my time on it, on dating and feelings and...it's a distraction."

James' eyes narrowed. "You're a virgin?"

"I am, yes. Henderson, on the other hand...I don't really know. I've actually had myself tested because I don't trust him."

"This is crazy. How long have you lived with this?"

"A couple of years. I didn't want to believe it for a long time, kept rationalizing everything and coming up with excuses for why weird things seemed to be happening. My mom finally had enough and took me to a doctor, said she didn't know who I was anymore and was ready to put me on some kind of pills. She thought I was bipolar."

James nodded. "Sounds like a mom's reaction. You were an adult by that time, though?"

"Yes. I knew things weren't right, so I went along with it. What about your mom? Do you get along with her?"

Pushing his empty plate away, James again used the coffee to buy time before answering. "I'm not very close to my mom."

"Her choice or yours?"

"I think it's mutual. She's busy. I don't see her much."

"You live with her, though?"

"Yeah."

Logan could feel him closing up. Talking about his mother or himself too much was a threat, apparently. "Did she call you back?"

"No." James pulled out his phone anyway, checking it for missed calls or texts. "Damn, she must be working late tonight."

"I know you don't trust me as I'm a complete stranger, but can I offer you a ride home? I promise I'm a gentleman."

James grinned before teasing, "Yeah, _you_ are, but what if this Henderson guy makes an appearance? He might pull over and sit on my lap."

"I think you're safe," Logan laughed. "He likes girls."

"Ah. I'll try not to be too disappointed."

Logan cracked up, happy to see that James too was laughing. He couldn't get Diamond to trust him, but so far he was having much better luck with this side of James. Sadly, Logan knew this one was only temporary and hard to come by. "So...am I driving you home?"

James debated it, studying Logan while thoughts ran through his head, and finally he answered, "Only if you let me pay for this. Then we're even."

Logan breathed a sigh of relief. "Deal."

* * *

James gave him directions, Logan not at all surprised that he lived in a wealthy neighborhood. He could tell James had a lot on his mind and was probably turning over everything Logan had talked about regarding multiple personalities. He hoped James was making connections that Diamond hadn't been able (or willing) to.

"We should do this again," he ventured, ready to be shot down but figuring it couldn't hurt to try.

"What, me getting lost and you coming to the rescue?" James teased.

"I meant coffee," Logan smiled. "But if you need a ride and I'm available, we can do that, too."

"I need a car."

"Why don't you buy one?"

"I...don't honestly know," James said softly. "Maybe I'll talk to Mom about that tonight."

"Well, I'm only a few miles away if you need me. I'd offer you a phone number but I think you'd probably suspect I was after your body."

"You _do_ like guys," James pointed out.

"I certainly do." Sighing, Logan said, "I wish I didn't."

"Why? There's nothing wrong with being gay."

"I think it would just make things more difficult. It's bad enough that I lose time and get behind on my schoolwork. Imagine if I was out carousing with random dudes all the time."

"Who says you can't have a steady boyfriend? Not all gay guys are promiscuous. In fact, I bet most of them aren't."

"Are you speaking from personal experience on this?" Glancing to the right, Logan took his eyes off the road long enough to see that James was debating again. "I won't repeat anything you say to me."

"It's just...I don't know."

"What? Talk to me."

"I want to be an actor. Maybe even a singer. It's hard to be gay when you're famous. Your personal life is dissected by fans, the media, and especially the haters. I don't want to get into anything that stands in the way of my career, you know? It's hard enough to get somewhere in the business even when you're normal. If I was gay on top of it...I can't allow that."

Logan pursed his lips, thinking of Diamond and his obsession with others wanting to "take him down." Both sides of James worried about his image, needing to appear a certain way. "Won't you be unhappy, though? If you keep stifling that?"

"Look who's talking. Your brain made up an entire separate personality to deal with the sexual frustrations you suffer."

"That's my point exactly," Logan commented. He had a pretty good idea that Diamond was gay, or at least bisexual, and wondered if this version was a coping mechanism in that case as well. "You don't want to end up like me, right?" he said lightly.

There was no answer. James was silent again, and Logan allowed him to remain so for the rest of the drive.

James instructed Logan to drive all the way up to the big house.

"Wow. This is...wow."

"Don't let it fool you, just because it's big and opulent doesn't mean it's heaven to live in. It actually sucks."

"I'm sorry. My apartment isn't all that huge but I do love it. It's mine, you know?"

"Yeah, I totally get it. I'm jealous."

Logan smiled. "Come visit anytime. Can we um...would it be okay if..." Damn, he was nervous again.

"Sure." James surprised him by whipping out the phone, reading his mind. "Tell me your number." Logan did, James then sending him a quick smiley face via text. "There. We're friends now. Satisfied?"

He was, actually. "Don't be a stranger, okay? I know you probably won't be able to often, but...call me if you need me. Or just to talk."

James smiled at him in the dark that was lit only by a faint glow from the house lights. They stared at each other for a full minute, a pull there that was foreign to Logan and made him wish he was more confident and aggressive.

"I uh...I wonder if someday I might get to meet this Henderson."

The words were spoken softly but Logan heard the question behind it, knew James was thinking the same thing. His gaze strayed to James' lips, that magnet between them getting stronger.

"Goodnight, Logan. Thank you."

"I hope this isn't the last time we meet," he whispered, knowing that was a likely possibility. He might come into contact with Diamond again, in fact probably would, but this James was easy to fall in love with and most likely hard to come by.

"I hope so, too. Can I...I know it's crazy but...I don't even know what I'm thinking, I just..."

"Um. Sure." Shaking slightly because it was his first kiss, Logan leaned forward slightly. James' breathing was shallow, his own nerves finally coming into play, but he met Logan halfway and pressed their lips together gently, inhaling a tiny gasp at the contact. It was hesitant, their eyes closing as their mouths started to move, and James pulled back after a few moments.

"I really can't allow this to happen. I'm sorry."

Logan nodded, a bit dazed. "I don't have time for a boyfriend anyway."

"So it's best we just..."

"Right. Friends?"

"Friends I can do. It's a pity, because kissing you..."

"Yeah." Logan licked his lips, sitting up straight again. "Goodnight, James."

"Goodnight." He opened the car door and had one foot on the ground before leaning back in and cupping Logan's cheek. "Since we're never doing this again, can we do it one more time?"

Logan nodded, hormones suddenly out of control as he launched himself forward, James meeting the kiss with a ferocity to match Logan's. James was no stranger to kissing, quickly parting Logan's lips and letting his tongue explore while Logan groaned into James' mouth, feeling as if he could combust at any second. He didn't know kissing could be like this and for a moment wished to take it back because now he would dream of this, want it every day. Why did this James have to be so amazing?

When James finally sat back he was breathing heavy, eyes glazed as he stared at Logan in wonder. "Damn. Okay. Glad I got that out of my system."

"Yeah," Logan mumbled, licking his lips. "So uh...call me. Just to talk," he added quickly, holding up a hand. "Anytime you need me."

"Thanks." James smiled at Logan one more time before stepping out.

"Hey! What's your last name?"

James spun around and leaned into the car. "Why does it matter?"

"So I can enter you properly into my phone. You can't just be James."

Snickering, James rolled his eyes. "We must do things the proper way, I suppose. It's Maslow."

"Maslow. Got it. Thanks."

"And you?"

"Mitchell. Logan Mitchell."

"And your other name would be Henderson? In case he finds my number in your phone and calls demanding to know who I am?"

"He goes by Logan, too, strangely enough. Logan Henderson."

"Well then, Logan Mitchell. It's nice to meet you."

"You too, James Maslow. Thanks for an interesting evening."

"It was definitely that." James grinned before waving. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Logan waited until he'd stepped into the house before backing out, wondering how long Maslow would stay in control before Diamond fought his way back to the surface. Henderson would sometimes take over for hours at a time, annoying Logan tremendously when he finally returned to himself.

"James Maslow," he repeated to himself as he turned onto the street. "And James Diamond. Which of you is going to let me break through first?"

He had bets on Maslow, but then again Diamond wasn't afraid to admit to certain tendencies that Maslow was. While Diamond was somewhat of a loose cannon, Maslow was locked up tight. Neither of them seemed open to the idea that they were suffering multiple personality disorder.

"I'll crack you," he murmured to himself. "But first I need to crack Henderson. Maybe the two of us can team up and take you down."

Logan laughed softly. Diamond had been right from the start to be paranoid that Logan wanted to take him down.

XXXXX


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Massive author's notes for this one:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

Second. This damn story can be blamed solely on **waterwicca**. I had the idea while writing "Keep Me in the Dark" but quickly chased it away, not even allowing it to take hold because that story was confusing enough by itself and I knew something like this would be a thousand times worse. Then Heather started spamming my ask box with the same idea, and I immediately ran away screaming because I just didn't want to do something like this. She kept going, though. And then we started discussing what it would be like and before I knew it, I was hooked. She gave me some good ideas, I threw in some of my own, and so we have this. It was supposed to be fun and lighthearted but 50 pages in, there's already angst. I should've kept running. So **waterwicca**, this one's for you. I hope it satisfies your craving.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

Lastly, thanking my beautiful betas **Aranelle** and **jdmazz**. Both of them were skeptical in the beginning, but after reading more of it they are hooked as well and I'm so grateful to them for giving their time and attention to my ramblings. I know a lot of you were looking forward to the Kames I was writing, but both of my betas agreed that the Kames wasn't working, they said it felt like my heart wasn't in it. It's true, it wasn't. So I went with this instead and thank them both for letting me know the other wasn't up to par. Maybe someday down the road I'll do another Kames.

If you're still reading, thank you for taking a chance on me. It's going to get crazy before this is over haha. I love you guys!

* * *

It was happening again. Logan Henderson looked up to find the doctor lady staring at him intently as if waiting for a sign of some kind. He hated that feeling, as if he was in a cage being studied.

"Logan?"

The panic rose swiftly this time, his breath coming faster.

"Logan?"

"What?" he answered in annoyance.

"Talk to me. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Just like last time, I don't know what I'm doing here."

"Or how you came to be here?"

Rather than answer, Logan took in his surroundings. Obviously an office of some sort, the type he'd seen in a million movies. Usually there was some sort of therapy session going on in this scene, and apparently this time he was the star.

"It's okay to be scared, Logan. I know you're confused."

"I just..." Staring everywhere but at her, Logan shrugged. "I don't know how to explain it. Obviously I'm here because I suffer amnesia, right? I can't remember entire blocks of time. Nothing before my senior year of high school. I hated school. Did I even go?"

The doctor chuckled. "From what I understand, you cut classes whenever you could. You're intelligent, but socializing is more your area of expertise. The first time we met, you flirted with me."

This brought a grin to Logan's face. "Yeah, I tend to do that a lot. Sorry."

"No, you're not," she laughed. "You wanted to leave and figured you could charm your way out of here."

"Damn, you saw through that?"

_"I'm_intelligent as well, you know."

Logan sighed, the smile dying. "Doc, what's wrong with me?"

"I'd prefer you call me Steph. My patients are my friends, and I want you to feel comfortable talking to me."

Logan raised an eyebrow in amusement. "Are _you_ trying to charm _me_now?"

"No," she laughed again. "Come sit over here by me." She patted the couch next to her, reaching up for a laptop sitting open on her desk.

Logan grinned. "But you're not flirting. Riiiiiiiight."

"I need to show you something. There's someone who can explain this much better than I can. Come watch."

With trepidation, Logan stood from the chair he'd been sitting in and moved across the carpet to settle in next to Dr. Steph. There was a video on the screen, frozen as it had ended. "That's me," he said in surprise, the trepidation curling into dread. "When did I do that?"

Bracing herself, Steph replied, "About an hour ago. You made a video for yourself."

That was impossible. Logan would've remembered that. He was wearing the same outfit, though, and the time of upload showed a mere thirty minutes prior. "It _is_amnesia, isn't it? Do I have a brain tumor or something?"

"Just listen."

Logan took a deep breath to prepare himself before nodding minutely, and Steph played the video. The man on the screen was nervous and hesitant, but otherwise he sounded and looked like Logan as he began to speak.

"Hi. I know how crazy this must be for you, and I hope you don't freak out. It was hard for me to accept, too, but I read up on everything and it all fell into place and I'm rambling now, but I'm nervous. What are you supposed to say to yourself?"

Logan swallowed, his heart pounding harder as the guy (_me, that's me_) continued to talk.

"Steph and I agreed this is the best avenue to try to reach you, and if you're watching this now it means she was able to call you to the surface. I uh...I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Logan Mitchell."

Logan frowned, glancing over at Steph. "He's wrong, it's Henderson."

She shushed him just as the Logan on the screen said, "I know what you're thinking. You're Henderson, right? Well, I'm Mitchell. You um...well, there's no easy way to say it. I'm affected by multiple personality disorder and you're my alter. You're the manifestation of stress and frustration and my fear of failure. Also my fear of sexuality, we think. Apparently I'm not equipped to handle the truth about myself, and I do smother every single sexual I urge I have. Or at least I did, until..." Shaking his head, the Logan on the screen said, "That doesn't matter. Just-"

"Stop it."

Steph looked over at him, having glanced at the screen for a moment. "Logan-"

"Stop it!" he yelled, rising from the couch and pacing while fighting off a panic attack. He could never think straight during a panic attack. His hand rubbed over the back of his neck before sliding around to do the same to his face.

Steph waited, ready when he exploded again.

"What the fuck is this shit? I don't even exist? Is that what you're saying?"

"Of course you exist. You're as real as he is, you just reside in his body."

"So it's like some _Invasion of the Body Snatchers _shit?"

"More like _Sybil_, if you want to equate it to a movie."

"This is fucked up." He was still pacing, trying to control his breathing.

"You're not in denial," Steph mused. "I expected you to be."

"How _can_I be? It all makes sense now. All of my questions, all the things I didn't understand. He's wearing the same fucking clothes I am, for God's sake! He's a smart little shit, isn't he? Knew how to combat all the arguments I'd have. This can't be happening, Steph. It can't."

"I'm sorry, Logan. But yes, he's a genius. Would've gotten a degree by now if you hadn't slowed him down. He hates that about you."

"So he just accepts it? Like it's no big deal? This is a huge deal! He's crazy! We both are!"

"Logan-"

"Oh shit, he's trying to get rid of me, isn't he? Of course he is, it's what I'd do. I'm the interloper here, I'm the one causing all the problems." Terror bloomed in dark brown eyes as they focused on Steph. "I need to get out of here."

"Logan, please. We can talk about this."

"No, I can't deal with this right now, he's trying to kill me, don't you get that? How can I be calm?"

Logan was at the door when her words gave him pause. "You can't run from him, Logan. He's always there. He wants to work with you and there's no reason you two can't co-exist."

Logan knew better than that, saw the words for the pacifiers they were. "Thanks, but I'm not stupid."

"At least take the video with you. Watch it. It'll make things easier when it happens, he's got some great ideas on how you two can help each other." She popped the CD out of the laptop, snapping it into a case before standing to approach Logan. "Please. Just watch it."

Logan grabbed it with a shake of his head. "How do I know when this is going to happen? Eventually he'll take over again, right?"

"We don't know when, but yes, he's in control most of the time. Take it as it comes. You seem to do that anyway, it's one of the areas he's lacking in. He worries about everything."

"This is so crazy. Literally."

"My number is in your phone. Please call me if you need me. And watch the video. There's a meeting you're supposed to be at tonight."

Logan's brows drew together. "A meeting? What kind of meeting?"

"Just watch the video. Please. He explains everything."

"Whatever."

Without another word Logan was gone.

* * *

Tossing the CD onto the passenger seat, Logan slid the key into the ignition and revved the engine. It was unsatisfactory, this car being safe and economical and completely boring. He'd wondered before why he would drive a car like this, hated that he couldn't remember how it came into his possession and wished for the money to upgrade to a fast, sporty car that pushed the limits. That was more his style.

_Of course Mitchell goes for something like this. Probably listens to those classical stations that are pre-set on the radio, too. I bet it pisses him off when I change them._

Needing an outlet for his anger, Logan flipped on the radio and set all of the stations to heavy rock, pop, and rap. Let Mitchell deal with _that_.

He blasted a rock station, turning up the volume and reaching up for the shades he'd hidden there last time he drove this car. He'd learned the hard way that if he didn't hide his belongings, they would disappear; at least now he knew why. Reaching under the seat, he dragged out the hat he stored there as well, settling it backward over hair that was much too plain for his liking.

"That's better. Kiss my ass, Mitchell."

Pulling out into traffic, Logan did what he always did when there were too many thoughts in his head-he drove. It didn't matter where, he just needed to be moving while music seeped into his soul and spoke to him.

As usual, the lyrics were exactly what he needed to hear. He never understood how it always worked out that way, but he'd attributed it to God knowing what he needed. He remembered the times his aimless driving had guided him to a local church, where he'd soaked up the words and ideas like a sponge, finding in these people a place of acceptance. With Jesus, he was never alone. When the confusion and fear got to be too much, he laid in bed reading a Bible and taking comfort in it. He'd eventually had to hide that, too, because he'd fall asleep with it on his chest and come to himself the next time with no idea where it was. Now he understood that Mitchell had placed it elsewhere, probably having no need of it. Did the genius even believe in God?

_You should, buddy. He gave me to you as an aid, a way to cope with your crazy ass. Don't be in such a hurry to chase me away._

Logan drove past the church this time, not at all surprised he'd driven here on autopilot. Instead he headed home, curiosity peaked. What the hell did Mitchell think he could say that would help him feel better? How were you supposed to react to the news you weren't a real person?

Logan didn't doubt the validity of what he'd been told, not for a second. Nothing else made sense, really. He'd known things weren't right, had considered a few explanations, but this was one that had never even crossed his mind. It was unthinkable.

And yet it made sense. All of the notes he'd been finding around his room lately, reminders of things like passwords and classes and homework that needed to be completed. The notes were written in a hand not his own, and those had perhaps scared him even more than the missing blocks of time. He'd even wondered if there was a girlfriend he'd forgotten about, because the writing was precise and neat and orderly, unlike his own messy scrawl.

_Genius. Nerd. I bet it pisses you off when I don't do the homework, doesn't it?_

Logan felt bad thinking that way, though, because Mitchell was in the same boat-scared, frustrated, wanting answers to the unexplained mysteries. He'd simply found the answers first.

_So you want us to work together, do you? I don't even know how that's possible._

Logan was willing to give it a try, though, or at least hear what Mitchell had to say. The curiosity was killing him.

* * *

Letting himself into the apartment, Logan tossed his hat and shades onto a counter before heading into the bedroom to boot up his laptop. He chose not to think about the fact that Mitchell would be annoyed at having to pick them up later.

_Maybe not. Maybe I'll stick around longer now that I know the truth. I can be stubborn, too._

He slid the CD into the drive, moving to the desk that was always immaculate when he first returned to himself. He wondered just how many of his messes Mitchell had had to clean up, frowning when he remembered the whipped cream fight he'd had with the last girl he brought home.

_Damn, dude. I'm sorry. I bet that was no picnic._

Opening the file, Logan sat back in the chair and watched himself speak again. He studied the mannerisms, fascinated more than anything else. It was him, truly him, and yet it was so_ not_him.

Mitchell was intelligent for sure. He chose his words carefully, backed them up with proof, and answered the questions in Henderson's head before he could even voice them. It was eerie that Mitchell knew him so well but he had no knowledge of Mitchell's behavior at all.

_Maybe I can learn. Keep making these videos, I'll figure you out._

Logan restarted the video, listening to Mitchell introduce himself and talk about how he'd not wanted to deal with being gay. It sounded as if Mitchell assumed he was straight, which caused Logan to smirk.

_Couldn't get rid of that completely, buddy. I like it both ways._

"Just hear me out," Mitchell was saying, "because I know you're probably scared and confused and all of the things I was for a long time. I'm not happy about this, but now that I know what I'm dealing with I can manage it, or at least try. With your help, this doesn't have to be hell for us. We can work together."

_But how?_

Mitchell once again read his mind. "By meeting each other halfway. I don't know when you're going to pop up, and you don't know when I'm going to take over. Maybe if we can help prepare each other for when that happens, the transitions will be smoother."

Mitchell paused to gather his thoughts while Logan sat back in the chair and did the same. Someone spoke off camera, Logan remembering then that Mitchell had recorded this in Steph's office just before bringing him to the surface.

"Oh, right. Henderson, I can't make you do anything, but I think it would help me understand you better if you make a video for me, too. We can communicate this way, keep each other posted on what happens when one of us is...asleep, for lack of a better word. You seem like a nice guy. I'd like to meet you, if that's possible. Together we can make this easier. You've probably noticed I started leaving notes around the apartment. Feel free to do the same. I hope they're helpful. I also urge you to go to the meetings Steph signed us up for. She thinks it'll help us to talk about this, and there's actually a guy in the group who suffers the same disorder. I met both personalities last week, and they're both in denial. Please go, Henderson, they need us. James Diamond is the root personality, like I am. James Maslow is the..." Mitchell paused here, once again choosing his words carefully while Logan watched with narrowed eyes. "...alter ego, if you will. I think you'll have better luck with Maslow, he seems more rational and less paranoid. Both of them know about us, though, so don't be surprised if one of them greets you...uh...affectionately."

A blush crept up into Mitchell's cheeks, Logan tilting his head in amusement. What exactly went on with this James guy?

"Anyway. I guess that's it for now. Please do me the courtesy of writing a letter or making a video for me so I know what I'm dealing with. I know you're scared, but you're a part of me; I don't mean you any harm. Oh, and please, Henderson-no more whipped cream all over the house."

Logan cracked up, having to rewind in order to listen to what he'd missed.

"I don't know what that was about, and I'm not sure I want to. Just...please be considerate and not leave me your messes. And do our homework! Please! We have a big project due in two weeks, I've been working my butt off on it. Don't ruin this for me, it's too important. If you can learn to cook, you can figure out the homework. And if you get the urge, I wouldn't mind more of that apple pie. I'll even clean up the mess if you want. It was really good."

Logan thought Mitchell was done when he reached toward the laptop, but he paused to add, "I hope to meet you soon. The information for the meeting is on the refrigerator. And if you're still in charge when it's time..." His voice softened. "Tell Maslow I hope he's doing well and that he can call anytime. If it's Diamond...well. Good luck. Catch you later, Henderson."

The image froze in the spot Logan had first glimpsed it, back in Steph's office. He thought he should be freaking out more, wondering what was wrong with him that he wasn't.

_Because now you know. You have answers. You may not like them, but you have answers._

Feeling a sense of peace even through the fear, Logan Henderson recorded a video introducing himself to himself.

* * *

James Diamond strolled into the meeting late, unconcerned about making anyone wait but irritated that all the jelly donuts were gone. He fell into a chair and sulked, hating everyone and everything in this room and hating his mother even more for putting him through this. She was as bad as the doctors, though, believing them over her own son, and what kind of mother did that?

"Welcome, James," Thomas smiled, passing the clipboard across a few seats to him. "Glad you could make it."

"Like I have a choice," James muttered, signing his name and handing the clipboard back before sipping the coffee he'd grabbed.

"Rob, you had the floor?"

"Right," Rob replied. "So my biggest problem with work is-"

"Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I want to make sure I'm in the right place?"

All heads swung toward the door, where a young man wearing sunglasses and a backwards cap was peeking in. James' jaw dropped at the realization that he'd seen this guy before, though not quite in the same manner.

"Logan!" Thomas greeted. "Come on in, you're only a few minutes late."

Logan nodded before smiling at Thomas, moving toward the circle of chairs and holding out a hand while removing his shades with the other. "I'm sorry, I don't know your name."

"Of course, you must be Henderson. I'm Thomas."

"I go by Logan. Just like the other guy."

Thomas blinked, surprised by the comment as he shook hands. "So you're aware of your condition."

"Yes, as of today. Mitchell made a video for me, explained everything. It was hard to believe, and yet at the same time it wasn't."

"I can only imagine. There are donuts and coffee at the table back there, feel free to grab some before you join us. You're among friends here."

"Thanks."

Giving Thomas a friendly smile, Logan edged around the perimeter of the circle toward the table. James watched him go, eyes narrowed suspiciously.

It looked like the guy from last week, but how could it be? This one exuded confidence as well as a warm and friendly demeanor, all of it showing that he was comfortable in his own skin in a way that other Logan hadn't been. James continued to stare as the guy poured himself coffee and added cream and sugar. When he spun around again, donut in hand, he caught James watching him with suspicion. He seemed surprised for only a second before winking at James, whose eyes widened.

Rob was continuing his story when Logan dropped into a chair across from James, the same chair the other Logan had chosen the week before. That was certainly suspicious, right? How about the fact that James had no memory of getting home that night but had discovered a new number in his phone, belonging to one Logan Mitchell? This guy had to be in on the plot to take him down, probably an actor hired by his doctors to convince him he was crazy.

James was unable to tear his gaze away, amazed that the same man (because he had no doubt now it was the same guy) could have such a different look in his eyes. Gone were the nerves, the fear that everyone was staring at him, the ready blush that rose to those cheeks every time their eyes met. Instead Logan kept glancing across the way as if attempting to check him out without being rude to Rob, who was as boring as ever as he spoke.

Mostly James found himself hypnotized by the way Logan's tongue kept darting out to lick up the white powder surrounding his lips after each bite. He remembered watching the other Logan eat last week; it had been prim and proper with much utilization of the four napkins he'd snagged. This one ate with gusto while still managing to use manners, at the same time appearing to be interested in what was being said and yet...

And yet. The chocolate eyes lifted to meet James' own hazel ones, amusement laced with something else James couldn't identify making him uncomfortable, though not necessarily in an unpleasant way. Shifting slightly, James realized he was aroused just from witnessing the man slide his tongue out to lick at the hole in the jelly donut.

_Holy shit, you're dangerous. They knew what they were doing when they sent you after me. Do that again, fuck yeah, dig deep for that jelly-_

It hit him suddenly, James sitting up straight in shock. "Where did you get that?" he demanded.

He barely noticed the annoyed sound of frustration at his left from Rob, all attention focused on the man now staring at him openly.

"I'm sorry?"

"The donut. Where did you get it?"

"I...well, there's a box in the back, right on that table."

"No, I mean the jelly one! I looked, there were no jelly donuts left! Where did that come from?"

With a grin Logan replied, "You didn't look closely enough. It was buried under a maple bar."

"I looked under that maple bar! Did you smuggle that in somehow?"

Logan let out a snort of amusement. "Yes, James. I hid it under my jacket and snuck past you because I was that desperate for a jelly donut."

"Aha!" James yelled, pointing at Logan. "You know my name! How do you know my name?"

Shrugging, Logan answered, "I wasn't sure it was you until you started acting paranoid. Mitchell told me about that, said you have an alternate personality, too."

"Oh, really?" James sneered. "What else did that little jerk say about me?"

"That you're in denial and could use my help."

"I don't need any help from you."

"Fine." Shrugging again, Logan added, "Guess I won't show you where the last jelly donut is. Rob, you were saying?"

James stood up suddenly and rushed to the table, Logan rising to follow. He nodded at Thomas on the way, letting him know he had this under control. He heard Rob continuing to whine about his unfair treatment at work, blocking it out as he stepped up behind James and effectively trapped him against the table by leaning forward to rest his hands on the edge.

James' breath caught, tongue licking at his lips. "I don't see a jelly donut," he whispered.

Logan stood on his toes to peer over James' shoulder, in the process rubbing up against him. "Oh. My mistake," he said softly, speaking directly into James' ear. "Looks like I'll have to take you out after the meeting tonight to make up for it."

Biting down on a moan, James managed, "I'm not going anywhere with you. I don't trust you."

"Too bad. I was going to buy you a dozen jelly donuts. Or maybe you prefer the cream-filled ones."

James' eyes fell closed as the words were whispered into his ear. He pressed back once, Logan immediately pushing forward, and the table brushed against him just right. "Please," he begged softly, not sure what he was asking for.

"You can trust me," Logan assured him. "I know what you're going through. If you'll let me, I can help."

Twisting his head around so that their lips were almost touching, James murmured, "Right now I just want to fuck you into the nearest wall."

The corner of Logan's mouth quirked up. "I can help you with that, too."

* * *

The rest of the meeting dragged on for both of them, neither choosing to speak when it was his turn to share in an attempt to get out sooner. They stared at each other across the circle, barely listening to anything being said until Thomas would address one of them. He attempted to get Logan talking some, but Logan wasn't quite willing to risk losing his focus long enough for Mitchell to take hold and fight his way to the surface.

_Just give me this, God. Let me stay in control long enough to get some of that. He's the hottest thing I've ever seen, why didn't Mitchell warn me about that?_

But maybe Mitchell hadn't wanted to think of James like that. Sexual attraction to males was apparently something to be frowned upon.

_You sure seemed to like Maslow, though, didn't you? Wonder if I'll ever get to meet him._

Finally the meeting was called to an end, Thomas taking Logan aside and encouraging him to open up more should be return again. Logan promised to do so, explaining that Mitchell had shared his hopes that together they could help James. "I'm going to spend some time with him right now, see how far I get." He barely managed to suppress a grin at his own words.

"You seem to have a way with him, the ability to get to him somehow. Both versions of you," Thomas smiled. "Last week Mitchell upset him so much that he walked out. Usually he just sits here and tunes us all out."

"He left? What about the Maslow side of him? When did they meet?"

"They haven't, as far as I know. I've never met the Maslow side of him myself, only heard about it from his doctor."

_Interesting_. Logan shook Thomas' hand, thanking him for allowing him to come to the group meeting before spinning around to find James waiting near the door, eyes glued to them. "You ready?"

"Where are we going?"

"Does it matter?"

James shrugged. "I don't have a car."

"I got us covered." Logan approached and took his hand, leading him out of the building and down the block toward his parked car. "Just don't judge me for it. Mitchell picked it out."

"I still don't trust you."

"Still want to fuck me?"

"It's all I can think about."

Logan smiled over at him. "One step at a time, then."

* * *

The ride to Logan's apartment was mostly silent, at least in words. Their thoughts were palpable, the air seeming to disappear in the confined space the closer they got to their destination. James finally slid a hand over to settle on Logan's thigh, Logan reaching down to cover it and squeeze lightly before moving it further up his leg.

"Fuck," James muttered. "You're already hard."

"You're not?"

James chose not to answer that, staring in silence at Logan as he drove. Instead his hand worked, fingers teasing Logan through the jeans.

"Oh my god," Logan whispered, pushing the speed limit now; just a few more blocks. "You're not a virgin or anything, right?"

"No. I've been with a few guys, though nobody knows about it. If my mom and the doctors knew that, they'd—shit. Shit!" The hand moved away, James banging his head against the car window.

"What?"

"I just fell right into that. They sent you to me because they knew, they knew just how to get me."

"James," Logan started, his hand now reaching out in a comforting manner to settle over James'. "I'm not part of some plot to ruin you. I'm just like you, except in my case I'm the one who's not welcome. We can talk later, or even now if you want. We don't have to do anything else, I don't mind just talking."

"Oh, I do. You owe me."

Logan grinned. "Can we talk after?"

"I'd rather not."

Shrugging, Logan squeezed James' hand. "Like I said, one step at a time."

* * *

It wasn't until Logan started undressing James that he saw a hint of fear beneath the mask. "We don't have to do this," he whispered, belying his words with a soft kiss to James' lips that was intended to soothe.

James sighed into it, hands coming up to frame Logan's face. "I want it. Never wanted anything so bad in my life."

"Good," Logan smiled. "We're even on that."

The hesitation lifted after that, James reaching out to undress Logan as well. Their clothing littered the carpet by the time they were done, Logan making a mental note to clean up any messes they made. "Hang on," he said suddenly, running to the bedroom to dig under the mattress for the supplies he'd hidden there last time. Mitchell hadn't discovered them, thank God.

Even the brief moments alone had been enough to bring back a bit of James' hesitation, so Logan quickly soothed him again with kisses until James was pulling him closer, hands kneading his ass. "Please, just do this," James begged.

"Shh, it's gonna happen."

He didn't question his instincts, spinning James around to face the wall and knowing he'd been right when James shuddered before moaning. As much as James had talked about fucking, Logan had sensed that he preferred to be controlled, perhaps because in every other area of his life he fought so hard to be_ in_ control. In this, he wanted to give himself up and just feel rather than have to think.

Logan rolled a condom on before putting the lube to use, sliding a finger up into James. The reaction showed Logan that James was indeed no stranger to this, craving more, so Logan stopped being careful. He knew what James needed.

James cried out when Logan pushed in, hands pressed to the wall and his head falling back onto Logan's shoulder. Logan took the opportunity to nip at James' neck, letting his teeth scrape in a way that had James whining his name.

"Logan, fuck! Oh my god!"

Fastening his lips over James' throat, Logan started moving, James writhing against him in ecstasy. "Yes, oh god, just like that, oh my god Logan oh my god."

His voice changed to a higher octave as he babbled, Logan feeling throat muscles work under his tongue. He sucked harder, James almost screaming now as he was overloaded with sensation. "Oh god oh god oh god don't stop don't stop please forever just please-"

The words cut off when Logan's right hand snaked around to grip him, fingers curling as they stroked. A loud gasp was followed by a moan so desperate it touched a chord inside Logan, causing him to shudder before James lost the strength in his legs and slid down to the floor. Logan went with him, not breaking the contact, and when their knees touched down he increased the pressure, both pounding and stroking harder while using one hand to drag James' head around by the hair until their lips met.

James hungrily devoured Logan's mouth, the desperation so pronounced that Logan had a moment in which he wondered if it was the sex James needed so badly or something only Logan could offer. Before he could ponder it any further, James exploded in his hand, the sensations causing him to tighten around Logan, and Logan gasped before losing it and groaning through his own climax, breath coming fast when he was able to think clearly again.

"Oh my god," James repeated, head falling forward against the wall. "Oh god. That was...oh my god."

Logan couldn't help but smirk at the reaction, pleased that he was able to do this for James and do it well. He pressed his lips to James' shoulder gently, kissing his way across to the other as his hands slid up James' arms. "You are extremely beautiful."

"I know," James panted, eyes closing and head falling back again. "You can stop that now."

Logan froze. "Stop what?"

"The nice stuff. You don't have to pretend you like me, we can fuck anyway."

Blindsided, Logan pulled out of James and twisted his body enough to look into his eyes. "I'm not pretending anything. You're here because I want you to be."

"Just stop."

"James-"

"Stop!"

James rose to his feet, shoving off the wall and stepping around Logan in search of the bathroom. Logan allowed him to go, strangely disappointed. He wouldn't have minded a bit of cuddling as a follow-up to the best sex he'd ever had in his life.

Apparently that wasn't going to happen, though. He would be lucky to get James talking at all on the ride home, and for a second almost regretted the act.

_No. That was amazing. Never going to regret that._

Logan stood and used the kitchen to clean himself up, then made his way around the living room, picking up James' clothes before knocking on the bathroom door. When it opened a crack, he shoved them through. "Are you okay?"

"Fine."

"Okay."

He sighed, wanting to punch a wall in frustration. He'd really thought they were getting somewhere, that this might bring them closer rather than drive them apart. He pulled on his clothes again, wondering if he could at least convince James to stay a while or go out for those donuts they'd talked about. He didn't want to be alone, and he wasn't ready to leave James' company just yet. Maybe if he dangled jelly donuts in front of James, it would be enough to buy him at least an hour.

Logan was ready when James stepped out of the bathroom, hands in his pockets as he looked around the room to take it all in.

"It's okay," Logan said gently, approaching and holding out his hands. "We don't have to talk if you don't want to."

James took both hands, gripping them tightly. "This is your apartment?"

"Yeah. I live alone. Want to stay a while, watch some T.V.? Or we can go out for donuts, whatever you want."

Studying him closely, James suddenly blinked. "Oh my god. You're Henderson."

The words sent a chill up Logan's spine as it crashed over him. Diamond had vacated the premises; he was holding hands with James Maslow.

XXXX


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Massive author's notes for this one:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

Second. This damn story can be blamed solely on **waterwicca**. I had the idea while writing "Keep Me in the Dark" but quickly chased it away, not even allowing it to take hold because that story was confusing enough by itself and I knew something like this would be a thousand times worse. Then Heather started spamming my ask box with the same idea, and I immediately ran away screaming because I just didn't want to do something like this. She kept going, though. And then we started discussing what it would be like and before I knew it, I was hooked. She gave me some good ideas, I threw in some of my own, and so we have this. It was supposed to be fun and lighthearted but 50 pages in, there's already angst. I should've kept running. So **waterwicca**, this one's for you. I hope it satisfies your craving.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

Lastly, thanking my beautiful betas **Aranelle** and **jdmazz**. Both of them were skeptical in the beginning, but after reading more of it they are hooked as well and I'm so grateful to them for giving their time and attention to my ramblings. I know a lot of you were looking forward to the Kames I was writing, but both of my betas agreed that the Kames wasn't working, they said it felt like my heart wasn't in it. It's true, it wasn't. So I went with this instead and thank them both for letting me know the other wasn't up to par. Maybe someday down the road I'll do another Kames.

Also, **waterwicca** has been moved up to beta status. It's only fitting, since this whole thing is her fault anyway. Thanks for the input and encouragement, Heather!

If you're still reading, thank you for taking a chance on me. It's going to get crazy before this is over haha. I love you guys!

* * *

The hand-holding ended abruptly as it sank in that Henderson was someone Maslow didn't know.

"It's okay," Logan soothed, lifting a hand to squeeze James' arm. "I don't bite."

"That's not what I hear," James replied with a nervous chuckle.

Logan grinned. "My reputation precedes me. I don't even think I want to know what Mitchell said about me."

"He warned me against your flirty ways. And uh...obviously a lot more." James swallowed, looking lost before asking, "Did we just...I have a hickey and...I have aches in places I shouldn't."

Trying not to let it hurt that such an amazing moment was already forgotten, Logan shrugged. "You uh...weren't yourself."

"Obviously. I'm starting to wonder if my mother's right."

"About what?" Logan asked, pouncing on that with narrowed eyes.

"Nothing." James turned away, hands sliding into his pockets again.

"You can talk to me. I'm probably the one person who would understand."

"No, Logan is. I mean...the other Logan. The one who had coffee with me last week."

"You two had coffee together? What else did you do?"

"That's none of your business," James replied curtly, and then it hit him. "Wait. You know about...how do you..."

"It's been a long day. I found out the truth about myself earlier, Mitchell recorded a video for me that explained everything."

"And you just accepted it? No question?"

Logan shrugged, sinking down onto the couch and making himself comfortable before answering. "It's kind of hard to argue when the truth is right in front of your face. There were a lot of things I couldn't explain about myself, empty spaces of time and suddenly being places with no memory of how I got there or even where I was." Glancing up, Logan asked slyly, "Has that ever happened to you?"

James' face closed up but his eyes couldn't hide the truth.

"Damn, I really went to work on your neck. That won't fade for a few days."

"You're proud of it? I don't even remember it happening!"

"I know you don't," Logan said softly, gesturing to a nearby chair. "Sit. Let's talk."

"I'd rather just go home. Please."

Once again disappointed, Logan nodded. "Of course. I'll take you wherever you want to go."

"Thank you."

"You'll have to direct me, though, I don't know where you live."

"Oh. Right. It was the other Logan who drove me home."

"He likes you, you know."

James' head swung up then, attention resting fully on Logan. "What? He said that?"

"He told me to pass on a message if I met you tonight. That you can call anytime and he hopes you're doing well."

Appearing to melt, James smiled softly. "I didn't want to bother him. He's got enough going on."

"Trust me, James. He's not going to mind a phone call from you." When James continued to be silent, Logan asked, "I made him a video but I can add on to it. Is there anything you want me to pass on for you? Any message?"

"No, just...say hi. Tell him..." Looking into Logan's eyes and obviously not seeing what he wanted to see, he finished, "Just tell him I miss him."

Logan nodded, rising from the couch as a touch of jealousy flashed through him. He didn't even know this version of James, there was no need to be jealous of Mitchell, but he would give a lot for Diamond to look at him that way, to speak of him with so much feeling. "I know I'm not him, but if you ever need to talk and he's...not around," Logan smirked, "I'm a good listener. And I bake great cookies."

James laughed as he said, "I'm not big on cookies. I try to stay away from sweets."

_Oh, Diamond ruins that for you, doesn't he? I bet you work out like crazy and then Diamond undoes it all in a matter of hours by pigging out on sweets._ "We can have something more healthy then. I'll learn how to make bran muffins, how's that?"

Cocking his head slightly, James answered, "Muffins will do just fine. I'll think about it."

"Cool. You ready to go?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

Logan grabbed his hat on the way out, as usual feeling better once it was shoved down onto his head.

* * *

Logan allowed James to keep to himself on the drive, sensing that this James was a deep thinker. It was no wonder Maslow had bonded quickly with Mitchell, who approached life rationally and methodically. Diamond seemed to be more like himself, at least in the way that he was spontaneous and went with his gut.

Glancing over at James, Logan suddenly wished he could talk to Diamond. He hadn't even been able to say goodbye, and who knew when they might both be in control at the same time again? Logan vowed to call James at the soonest opportunity, but he wouldn't know until that moment which of them would answer and Maslow didn't seem to trust him.

Then again, had Diamond? It was so frustrating, knowing that he could get somewhere if only given the time. There _was_ no time, not with Mitchell in the picture. And knowing Mitchell, he'd spend all of his time focusing on schoolwork rather than getting to know James better.

"This sucks!" Logan suddenly yelled, pounding his fist on the steering wheel and startling James.

"What?"

"It just sucks that I don't have time for anything. I don't know when Mitchell's going to pop up again so I can't really make plans or have any kind of a life. What if I fall in love? How am I supposed to have any kind of relationship with someone? They'd probably fall in love with me and hate Mitchell."

With a tiny smile, James said, "Or fall in love with Mitchell and hate you."

"Really, dude? You just bust out with that, like it isn't going to hurt?"

"Why would it? You don't even know me."

"It's never easy to hear that someone hates you."

"I didn't say I hated you."

"Yes, you did. You just fucking said that."

"I was speaking hypothetically."

"Oh, please, it's so obvious you're in love with Mitchell. I may not be a genius like him, but I'm not stupid."

It was a few moments before James said, "I only met him once. That's not enough to fall in love."

"It is if it's right. And if it makes you feel any better, I can tell he's got feelings for you, too. Keep that in mind and maybe call him once in a while, the guy misses you."

"What happens if you pick up instead?"

"I already told you to call me if you need someone. I'm not worthless, you know."

"I never said you were."

"You might as well have."

"Logan..." James suddenly chuckled, but it was more frustration than amusement. "I don't even know you well enough to form an opinion yet. Quit putting words in my mouth."

"If you were Diamond, you'd be begging me for something else in your mouth."

James' head whipped over so fast it was a wonder his neck didn't snap. "Who the fuck is Diamond?"

_Shit. Fuck._ "Just..." Logan grasped, knowing Maslow wasn't ready for this yet. "Somebody I used to know. I miss him."

Logan sensed that James wanted to ask, was perhaps even connecting the dots right that moment, but he remained quiet. Silence reigned until Logan parked at the house, internally beating himself up for not knowing how to win Maslow over. It wasn't fair, though, he wanted Diamond back. Just one kiss, one more chance to tell Diamond he would be there for him if he was never needed...

But he couldn't promise that, no more than Mitchell could promise Maslow the same thing. He turned to Maslow in the dark, biting his lip. "I'm sorry I can't be the one you need me to be."

James answered with a soft smirk. "You're still pretty damn cute."

Logan laughed, nodding in agreement. "Yeah, kind of hard to change my looks. At least I have that going for me, right?"

"You've got a lot," James assured him with a smile. "Just promise not to jump me if we ever meet up again."

Assaulted by memories of James crying out his name and moaning desperately, Logan shrugged. "No guarantees. You're hot when you scream my name."

James blushed furiously, reaching for the door. "Thanks for the ride."

"James, wait."

"Goodnight, Logan."

He was about to slam the door when Logan called out, "Don't you ever wonder why you can't remember things? How you can forget something as amazing as being fucked up against a wall?"

Pausing, James leaned down into the car. "Up against a wall?"

Logan nodded. "It was pretty fucking amazing."

A hand going to the bruise spreading over his neck, James shook his head. "I need to go."

"James, talk to me!"

"I'm working through it, alright? Let me handle this."

"Fine." Frustrated, Logan sighed. "But call us if you need to talk. It doesn't matter which one, we're both here for you."

The door was closed and Logan slumped in the seat. "All I wanted was one more kiss. Just one more kiss before I go back into hiding. This fucking sucks."

He was halfway home when a text came in.

"_Thank you. I'll be in touch if I need someone."_

Logan let out a deep breath. "I guess it's a start. One step at a time."

He was setting up the laptop to record another piece for Mitchell when intense fatigue hit him. This had happened before, the feeling that he needed to sleep before he fell on his ass, and fear clawed into him when he understood for the first time what it meant.

"No. No no no no noooo," he whined, suddenly desperate. He grabbed for a notepad near the corner of the desk, scrawling a quick note just before the blackness swallowed him up.

* * *

Logan Mitchell blinked, taking in his surroundings as if he'd just woken up from a nap. "Oh. Okay. Henderson was here. Wow, it must've worked."

He looked at the time and date on his laptop screen, eyes widening when he realized just how long he'd been submerged. What damage had Henderson managed to do in that time? Had he even accepted the truth?

There was a note written on the pad before him, in that messy hand he'd come to know. _"Made video. Met Diamond and Maslow. CALL MASLOW NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" _

Too late? What did that mean? Panic tightening his chest, Logan whipped out his phone, scrolling through his contacts until he came to James. There was a text from James, a simple thank you and the promise he would call if he needed to. Logan had no idea when Henderson had written the note, but hopefully it wasn't too late just yet.

He put the call through, panicking again when it almost went to voicemail, but the deep voice answered just in time. "Hello?"

"James? Hi, it's Logan."

A pause. "Yeah, uh...which one?"

"Oh! Me, the one you met last week. The one you...you know."

"Hey," James replied, his voice softening. "I was hoping you'd come back soon."

Logan's heart pounded a little harder. "Yeah, just now. Did we uh...you met him?"

"I did. He just drove me home."

_Yes!_ Mentally thanking Henderson for going along with the plan, Logan said, "Good. Is he nice? He seems nice."

"He's...yeah. Nice, I guess. Not you, though."

"No, I would imagine not," Logan laughed. "Did he flirt with you?"

"He uh...um..."

"What?" _I swear to God, Henderson, if you kissed him I will find a way to knock you into next week._

"I think I actually flirted with _him_ a little, to be honest."

"Oh. I guess that makes sense, he's got that ability to pull people in." Why was Logan ready to cry over this? He and Maslow had decided to be friends and friends only, right? Of course that wasn't good enough for Henderson, though, who had to cross the line and get what he could out of James.

"It's not even that, it's just..."

"It's fine. We're just friends, you can do what you want."

"Logan, the problem is that he looked just like you. I mean, he _is _you, physically. It was hard to be around him and not want to kiss him, you know? Because I miss you."

"Oh." Well. That was certainly okay. "I uh...I miss you, too. You never called."

"You've got a lot going on. You don't need to deal with my shit on top of everything else."

"I told you I'm here for you if you need me. I was really looking forward to seeing you again tonight, hoped Henderson would be gone by the time I..." _Does he know about the meeting? Does he know about anything?_ "Did he uh...mention anyone by the name of Diamond?"

Dead silence on the line.

"James, you can tell me anything," Logan urged gently.

After more silence while James' mind raced, he replied hesitantly, "He did. He mentioned someone named Diamond that he used to know. Said he missed him."

That brought an involuntary laugh out of Logan. "He missed him? Really?"

"He seemed to."

"Well, to each his own, I guess. I've had difficulty dealing with Diamond, myself. Did he tell you who Diamond is?" Logan heard the sound of James breathing, but nothing else. "James," he said gently. "I'm here. Do you want to come over? I could go get you and we could talk, go out for coffee or-"

"No. I need to get some sleep. I'm really tired all of a sudden."

Logan's eyes widened, knowing time was short. "James, wait. Call me. Please. I miss you."

"I miss you, too."

"Don't be scared, we can face this together."

"Face what? I'm not afraid of anything."

Just like that, it was Diamond on the phone. Logan couldn't help but be amazed at how quickly they were able to switch.

There was a pause before James' voice was back. "Logan? Is that you?"

Logan's heart cracked, the longing for his James overwhelming. "Hey, Diamond."

"Oh, crap. You're not Henderson, are you?"

"Nope. How's it going?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Don't even try."

"I wasn't planning to. I heard you met Henderson, though?"

"Yeah, he's a lot more interesting than you."

"Thanks. That's always nice to hear."

There was a sigh, Logan wondering if it was possible Diamond felt bad at all for being so rude, but then he said, "Well, since I have nothing to say to you, I'm going now."

"Yeah, okay. But uh...James?"

"What."

"If you ever need to talk...you've got my number."

"Sure. Later."

"Yeah. Later."

Logan hung up the call with tears in his eyes, longing for someone he couldn't get to no matter how far he drove.

* * *

Logan was excited as he searched for the video on his laptop. He hoped Henderson knew enough about computers to have figured it out.

Giving it a moment's thought, Logan typed the word "Henderson" in the search program. Almost immediately a folder popped up, titled exactly that. _ You _are_ smart. Thank god._

The folder contained one video, which had been saved only a few hours after his appointment with Steph. He clicked to open it, shoving aside the part of his brain that kept whispering about homework and research that needed to be done. For once, all of that could wait.

It was surreal seeing himself on camera and having no memory of that moment in time. He'd experienced it before in Steph's office, the first time she'd called Henderson to the surface and recorded it. Logan remembered Steph putting him into a sort of shallow hypnosis and then there'd been nothing until he was home later that night. He'd returned the next day to view the video with her, still holding out hope he was wrong about his suspicions but the video had killed any doubt. He'd watched himself go from Logan Mitchell to Logan Henderson in a matter of seconds and because he'd prepared himself for the truth, it didn't scare him as much as it could have.

Now he stared at a man who was a mirror of himself and yet so different. The clothes were the same, as were the eyebrows and hands that were clasped nervously at this very desk. Logan knew if he reached into the jacket he now wore, he'd find the pair of sunglasses that always turned up after a fugue-unless, of course, Henderson had hidden them in the car again.

"Hey, how's it going?" Henderson started. "I don't know why I'm nervous, I'm just talking to myself. Ha, isn't that the first sign of insanity?" he joked before clearing his throat.

Logan smiled, understanding exactly what Henderson meant.

"Now I know how you felt. What _are_you supposed to say to yourself? I guess um...hi. I'm Logan Henderson. I'd love to say it was a pleasure to meet you, but the truth is I'd rather I was a real person, you know?"

Logan's heart dropped because Henderson's voice had grown tiny and scared for just a moment, though he recovered quickly.

"But hey, this way I'm never alone, right? You're like my own personal Jesus, always here. Like that Depeche Mode song, you ever heard that one? If not, you should. It's one of their better ones. Wow, am I really rambling about Depeche Mode? Damn, Henderson. Get it together."

"I wish I could hug you," Logan whispered, shocked by the urge. He wasn't a hugger by nature, generally shied away from physical contact other than with his mother.

_And Maslow. Don't forget him, you kissed him._

Forcing his attention back to the laptop, Logan rewound a few seconds.

"-get it together." There was a pause while Henderson did just that, then he asked, "Do you believe in God? I'm betting you don't. And if I know you, you're making notes right now of all the questions I ask so you can answer them in your next video."

Logan's eyes widened; that was a damn good idea, why hadn't he thought of it? He snatched the notepad and tore off the top page, quickly jotting down the word "God" as Henderson continued to speak.

"You said you wanted to work with me, that we can help each other. My fear is that you're trying to get rid of me. Not that I'd really blame you, I guess, nobody wants to be crazy. But...Steph said I'm just as real as you are, just..._not_. Shit, this is so crazy."

Henderson ran a hand over his face, looking beaten down. "Just try to remember that I'm here for a reason. You can't handle certain things, I guess. I'm here to handle those things for you. And sorry to disappoint you, buddy, but I like dick as well as pussy. I really hope you're watching this alone and not around Steph or anybody else."

The bluntness of the confession shocked Logan almost as much as the words themselves did. Logan Henderson did not mince words.

"Anyway. Just keep that in mind, okay? When you freak out and can't handle the stress, I'm here to save you. Of course I probably add more stress by the time I leave, but by then you've gotten the break you need and you can handle it. Oh, speaking of which, there is no way in hell I'm doing your schoolwork. I've looked through your books and notes, dude. It's all foreign to me. What the fuck is a medulla oblongata anyway?"

Logan chuckled affectionately, liking Henderson in spite of himself. "You're such a dork," he said to the screen.

"So, no on the homework. I'm sorry. That would be like me asking you to go to an audition for me. True, I haven't been able to do that yet, I keep planning to look into an agent but before I can do anything...yeah. I'm gone. My point is, can you imagine yourself as an actor? That would be me as a doctor. Scary shit, dude."

Letting out a sigh, Logan bit his lip. Henderson would be no help with the schoolwork, which meant Logan was back where he'd started on that score. How would he ever make it through med school?

"Let's see, what else? I'm sorry about the whipped cream. Met this girl at church who wasn't so pious. I'll do better about cleaning up my messes now that I know my time is short. And I'll try to bake you a pie each week, if you let me out to play. Maybe you can repay the favor by keeping the kitchen stocked with cookies instead of throwing them away. I know you don't eat all those."

Henderson laughed suddenly. "You know what's funny? I never thought twice about using your credit card. I noticed the name was different but figured I'd opened an account under a fake name during one of my blackouts. Hated that I couldn't remember the PIN, though. Maybe leave that for me somewhere? I won't overspend, but I have to have money, dude. And can we talk about the car? I hate it. Let's get something more flashy and exciting, something that doesn't make me feel like a grandma when I drive it. How am I supposed to pick up chicks in that thing?"

Logan rolled his eyes, jotting more notes down. They would most certainly talk about the car, as well as about the importance of safe sex. The last thing Logan needed was a case of herpes or crabs.

"And I know it upsets you that you're attracted to guys, but it's no big deal. In this day and age most people have switched sides at least once, out of curiosity. It's not as frowned upon as it once was. I admit, I've never talked to Mom about my activities, but she would probably be okay with it, right? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Dudes are hot, man. I actually prefer them to chicks, though those can be nice, too. Let yourself live a little. Have you even kissed anyone yet? You seem wound up tight."

Memories of Maslow in a dark car returned to him, heating him up in a way that surprised him with its intensity. What was it about that guy?

"I can tell you like this Maslow guy," Henderson was saying. "I'll try not to scare him away. I will go to the meeting tonight, because I do want to work with you on this. Like you said, anything to make our lives easier. So far it's been hell. And maybe in addition to ourselves, we can help someone else. I'll see what I can do with James. Both of them."

Smiling suddenly, Henderson brightened. "I'm going to make us some spaghetti. I know you don't throw that out, that shit's the bomb. Tell me what else you like, if I have time I'll make up some meals for us each week. Might not have time enough to clean up the messes, though," Henderson winked. "Wish me luck at the meeting, buddy. Hope to hear from you soon."

The screen froze on the image of Henderson reaching out to stop the recording. Logan felt strangely alone, wishing he could talk to Henderson face-to-face, or at least Maslow. He sensed that Maslow was getting close to a breakthrough, though of course Diamond still seemed to hate him with a passion. What would Diamond do if he showed up out of the blue one day? Kick him out? Yell at him?

Sighing, Logan put the laptop to use and created a new folder titled "Mitchell." He saved it to the desktop before going into the program to start a new recording. If he couldn't talk to James, he could at least talk to himself.

XXX


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Massive author's notes for this one:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

Second. This damn story can be blamed solely on **waterwicca**. I had the idea while writing "Keep Me in the Dark" but quickly chased it away, not even allowing it to take hold because that story was confusing enough by itself and I knew something like this would be a thousand times worse. Then Heather started spamming my ask box with the same idea, and I immediately ran away screaming because I just didn't want to do something like this. She kept going, though. And then we started discussing what it would be like and before I knew it, I was hooked. She gave me some good ideas, I threw in some of my own, and so we have this. It was supposed to be fun and lighthearted but 50 pages in, there's already angst. I should've kept running. So **waterwicca**, this one's for you. I hope it satisfies your craving.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

Lastly, thanking my beautiful betas **Aranelle** and **jdmazz**. Both of them were skeptical in the beginning, but after reading more of it they are hooked as well and I'm so grateful to them for giving their time and attention to my ramblings. I know a lot of you were looking forward to the Kames I was writing, but both of my betas agreed that the Kames wasn't working, they said it felt like my heart wasn't in it. It's true, it wasn't. So I went with this instead and thank them both for letting me know the other wasn't up to par. Maybe someday down the road I'll do another Kames.

Also, **waterwicca** has been moved up to beta status. It's only fitting, since this whole thing is her fault anyway. Thanks for the input and encouragement, Heather!

If you're still reading, thank you for taking a chance on me. It's going to get crazy before this is over haha. I love you guys!

* * *

Diamond called five times over the next twenty-four hours. Each time he would ask, "Henderson?" When the reply was no, the call was disconnected. The sixth time, Mitchell was ready.

"Henderson?"

"Hey, sexy."

There was a gasp and then "Oh my god, it's you! Is it really you?"

"Want to hang out? I'll buy you dinner."

"Yes! Just give me thirty minutes to do my hair."

Suppressing a chuckle, Logan replied, "Got it. Be ready in forty-five."

He took a deep breath after hanging up the phone, shoving aside the guilt at having lied to James. He'd tried to get James talking during the phone calls but as the aggravating idiot kept hanging up, this was the only way it would happen.

And he had to admit there was a tiny part of him that hoped to meet up with Maslow at some point tonight.

Logan finished up the last of his homework before grabbing the hat Henderson liked to wear and driving through the dark streets, bracing himself for the anger he would face when Diamond realized he was Mitchell. He only had to keep it up long enough to get James away from the house.

What he hadn't been ready for was the physical attack he received the second James was closed into the car. Rough lips and hands were on him, a tongue down his throat, and Logan froze in shock before remembering that he needed to be Henderson.

_Just pretend it's Maslow. You can do this._

James pulled back for a moment, eyes narrowing suspiciously, but then Logan closed the distance again and kissed James as he had the previous week, right here in this same driveway. The taste was no different, nor was the feel of James' hair between his fingers. The hand feeling him up through his pants, that was different, and Logan understood suddenly that Henderson had gone much farther with Diamond than he had with Maslow.  
_  
It better have been Diamond. Maslow belongs to me._

So shouldn't he feel guilty kissing Diamond? It worked both ways, right?

_What if it was Maslow, not Diamond? What if-_

No. No, Maslow's mine.

As if to prove it, Logan's grip tightened in Diamond's hair, taking possession roughly as Diamond moaned.

"Take me home, please take me home. I need you."

James Diamond admitted needing someone? That in itself was hot enough to have Logan letting out a groan, the hand still busy between his legs.

_Think, Logan. Control. Your goal is to get him talking. You need him to trust you._

Gently pushing James back to his seat, Logan panted, "Okay. Just...okay. Relax, we'll be there soon."

"I'm sorry. I just missed you. We didn't even get to say goodbye, really."

_Oh?_Logan backed out to the street, keeping his eyes on the road as he asked, "Why do you suppose that is?"

James remained silent, Logan finally chancing a glance at him and noting the bruises on his neck. Henderson obviously didn't hold back in the bedroom. Diamond was staring out the window in silence, thoughts heavy, and Logan's heart jumped when he realized Maslow had returned.

"I don't want to talk about it," he finally said.

Or maybe not. The tone was defiant, arms now crossed over his chest, and Logan wanted to bang his head on the steering wheel because Diamond was still in the house. _Can't you just let Maslow out for a few minutes? Please? I need him._

He almost laughed then, imagining Diamond feeling the same way when he discovered Mitchell was in control. What a mess this was.

"So you want to go home with me?"

The head of beautiful hair swung his way. "Can I stay the night?"

Logan blinked, the request throwing him. He couldn't keep this up all night, he was already having trouble hiding his own personality.

"Um...you didn't bring any clothes."

"Who needs clothes?" James tossed out slyly, a hand sliding over to rest on Logan's thigh. When Logan jumped slightly, James' jaw dropped. "You're not Henderson! You lying motherfucker!"

_Crap._"Okay, listen, just-"

"Take me home."

"James, please, just-"

"Take me home, asshole! That's so fucked up, I can't believe you tricked me! There's no way in hell I would've agreed to meet you if I'd known!"

"Yeah, well, you're no picnic, either."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Stopped at a red light, Logan dropped his head onto the wheel. Diamond was so exhausting. "Nothing."

"I know what you're doing. You're trying to convince me that Maslow guy is real, aren't you? Just give it up because-"

Logan's gaze was suddenly riveted to James. "You know about Maslow?"

"I know there's no such thing. I don't care what my mom says. Or the doctors."

"I met him, James. I met Maslow. He's incredible."

Stark terror replaced indignation shining in James' eyes. "Shut up."

"It's true. That's why you don't remember getting home from the meeting last week, why you didn't even say goodbye to Henderson. Maslow took over."

"Fuck you! I don't care how cute you are or how you kiss me, I'm not listening to this shit! You think you're so smart but-"

Not stopping to think but following instinct, Logan dragged James' face over the console and kissed him, James melting into it immediately and whining into his mouth with need. The sound reverberated throughout Logan's body, causing him to shudder violently as he tried to get deeper into Diamond's mouth. Since when had he been so free with his body? What was Henderson doing to him?

"Can't you just get me home already?" James broke away to whisper.

"Only if you promise to talk about Maslow."

"Talking isn't exactly what I want to do right now."

"I thought you hated me."

"I do, but Henderson must've taught you a few tricks about kissing. I wonder what else he's taught you," James purred, nipping at Logan's lips.

_Oh my god. No wonder Henderson couldn't resist you._

Logan's tongue darted out to lick at his own lips, catching Diamond's along the way, and then they were off again, Logan's body on fire for something he'd never wanted to need.

"Please," James begged. "Take me home."

_Think. Use your brain here!_Thoughts foggy, Logan managed, "We have to talk. Promise me."

"Whatever, just drive."

"Okay."

"And take off that hat, it doesn't belong to you."

Logan blinked, raising a hand to lift it off his head. "Right." He shoved it under the seat, finally pulling through the intersection and relieved no one was behind them.

Diamond was fiddling with the radio, having turned it on. "At least you have good taste in music, that's something."

Logan frowned, watching James punch the buttons. "You little shit, you did it again."

"What?"

"Henderson always does that to me, I hate it."

James laughed before commenting, "I should've known. You probably listen to boring things like jazz and classical, don't you?"

"Excuse me, there is nothing wrong with jazz and classical. Swing music is fun to dance to also, you should try it sometime."

"No thanks."

"I'm telling you, it's fun."

"Whatever."

"I bet Maslow would try it with me."

"Yeah, well, Henderson would've fucked me five times over in the backseat by now."

Speechless, Logan didn't call attention to the fact that Diamond hadn't argued Maslow's existence. It was a step.

* * *

Stomach fluttering with nerves, Logan unlocked the door to lead James inside. He didn't know if James was going to attack him the second they were alone or not, but he was determined to make progress in areas other than the bedroom.

_Stop it. Nothing's going to happen. He wouldn't want you like that anyway. He hates you._

Logan watched James' gaze go to a wall near the hallway, meeting the look of longing that came his way after. He didn't know what the wall had to do with anything, but the need in Diamond's eyes reached into his soul and pulled him like a magnet.

"I wish you were him," Diamond said softly, so desperate that if Logan could've made it happen, he would've. Anything to take away James' sad expression.

"I'm sorry. If there was a way..."

"But there's not. You're just...you."

Logan nodded, settling onto the arm of the couch with hands in his pockets. "Would you care for some cookies? I think there are some up in the cupboard from...you know."

"Chocolate chip?"

"Yes."

"That would be awesome. Thank you."

_Wow. A thank you. I might get somewhere after all._"And then we'll talk about Maslow?"

"Logan-" Diamond started.

"James, you need to accept this. It's easier to deal with when you work together. I promise."

"Just get me some cookies?"

"Fine. Milk, too, I suppose?"

James' face brightened. "You got chocolate?"

"No." The face fell, prompting Logan to add, "but I think I saw some chocolate syrup at the back of the cupboard the other day. Will that work?"

"Hell yeah!"

The grin was back, Logan reminded of a child and not liking the fact that it endeared Diamond to him so deeply. "Just relax. I'll be right back."

Logan waited until James had removed his leather jacket and settled onto the couch before going to the kitchen for cookies and milk. Whatever it took to get Diamond talking.

A few minutes later he returned to the living room with a tray of goodies to find James staring around in fear. He was no longer seated on the couch but standing, spinning slowly, and when he got far enough around to face Logan his eyes widened in surprise. "Logan?"

"Maslow?" Heart soaring, Logan dumped the tray on a counter and rushed forward, tackling James to the couch by landing on his lap and kissing him senseless. Maslow only hesitated briefly, his hands coming up to frame Logan's face while his mouth opened for the assault. It was like kissing Diamond, and yet it wasn't. The intensity was at a level that Diamond hadn't been able to match, perhaps because like Logan, Maslow knew their time was short. Proving that, James whispered, "I was so afraid I'd never see you again."

"Me, too." Logan took a moment to simply drink in the sight of James Maslow, whose eyes were so different when they looked at him. "I missed you."

"I know. I thought we agreed to be friends."

Chuckling, Logan shrugged. "We don't get enough time to cultivate a friendship."

"You don't have time for a boyfriend," Maslow reminded him.

"I'll make time for you. Whenever you're around, call me. I'll drop everything to come see you, to be here for you if you need to talk. Or need anything. Just...call."

"Henderson said the same thing. It's nice to know I have friends."

"Always," Logan smiled, leaning in to kiss James gently, then his mouth curved down. "What else happened between you and Henderson?"

"Nothing. We talked. I was disappointed he wasn't you."

That brought the smile back. "What did you talk about?"

"You."

"Did he try to kiss you?"

"No, actually. He was very polite. A little pushy about things I didn't want to talk about, but otherwise nice."

"Good."

One of James' eyebrows lifted. "Jealous?"

"Maybe. I'm sorry. I have no right to be."

"Sure you do," James said with a soft smile. "You saw me first. That gives you dibs."

Biting his lip, Logan asked, "Yeah?"

"Totally."

They kissed again, the desperation settled into something more subdued but no less intense. When it tapered off, Logan whispered, "Can we talk?"

"Can we not?"

"We need to."

"I'd rather kiss you."

"I'd rather that, too, but we need to talk."

"Who knows when Henderson will show up? My time with you is limited."

_And who knows when Diamond will come back?_ Logan was tempted, but he knew if there was any hope of getting somewhere it would be with Maslow. "I'm in control most of the time."

"I know, but...Logan, can't we just enjoy each others' company for a little while? Just...do this?"

"You want to make out, James?" Logan smirked.

"We can talk, just not..."

He trailed off, Logan seeing in his eyes that fear again. He knew it deep down, knew the truth, or at least suspected. Logan sighed, moving off of James to stand. "I guess you have no interest in cookies and chocolate milk."

James grimaced. "I thought you were a healthy eater. Why are you serving us junk food?"

Logan shook his head, not even bothering. "Have you had dinner?"

"I..." Frowning, James hesitated and Logan realized he had no idea.

"Are you hungry?" Logan tried instead.

"A little."

"Want to get some muffins and coffee? I'll buy this time."

James graced him with a blinding smile. "I would love to."

* * *

They spent much of their time discussing Henderson, strangely enough, but both were curious about him and wanted to know more so shared their opinions and ideas about what made him tick. Mostly Logan enjoyed just spending time with Maslow, loving the smiles and gentle teasing aimed his way occasionally. Maslow had a way of making Logan laugh at himself while falling harder by the second for the man who poked fun at him, something no one else had been able to do without it seeming mean.

He wished again that Maslow was permanent, but he was the one who lost control first. Fatigue hit suddenly and with no warning, Logan's eyes widening as he whined, "No, not yet, please no. James!"

Maslow's hand covered his immediately, holding on tight as if that could somehow keep him here. "Logan, don't go."

"James, I'm sorry, just...please..."

Relocating quickly to Logan's side of the table, James tilted his chin up for one last kiss. "I'll miss you."

They were still kissing when Logan's lips went slack, his body seeming to slump for a mere second before he pulled away to stare at James.

"Oh. Hey. Looks like I interrupted something," Henderson apologized. "Sorry."

James deflated, head falling onto Henderson's shoulder. "It's not your fault. You probably heard us talking about you all night and needed to come out and defend yourself."

"Defend myself? What kind of shit were you saying about me?"

"Nothing bad. Just trying to figure out why you're so free with sex."

"Why not? It's fun and feels good and doesn't hurt anybody. Why wouldn't you take it if it's offered?"

James sighed, sulking now. "Because sometimes love is worth waiting for."

"Aww." Logan shifted to slide an arm around James' shoulders, pulling him closer and sliding a hand up into his hair. "You're a romantic, aren't you?"

"Obviously you're not."

"I think there's a time and place for romance. When I find the right person, I'll do the whole flowers and candy thing. Picnics in the park, that sort of thing."

"That sounds nice," James sighed, reaching out to drag his coffee cup closer before settling in against Henderson again. "It's hard, though, trying to establish a relationship when you don't know how long you'll be around."

"That's another reason I stick with overnighters. And you sound like you speak from experience. Did you two talk about Diamond at all?"

James shook his head minutely on Logan's shoulder. "Is he um...am I...we're the same, aren't we? You and me."

Pressing his lips to James' forehead briefly, Logan said, "Yes. I'm sorry. It really fucking sucks."

Silent tears rolled down Maslow's cheeks. "There's so much you don't understand," he whispered.

Deciding now was the time to pounce, Henderson said, "Come on, let's get out of here. My place?"

When James nodded, Logan gently pushed him to stand. He handed over the keys and said, "I'll meet you at the car after I pay."

Another nod, and Logan watched him move toward the exit with his head down. He only prayed Maslow would stick around long enough to have this talk. As long as one of them was aware of the problem, it was only a matter of time.

* * *

Logan automatically turned on the radio after starting the car, then lowered the volume some out of respect for Maslow. At least Mitchell hadn't changed the stations. Yet.

Maslow stared out the window, the tears still coming silently as if he was too numb to rage. Offering a hand, which James gratefully took, Logan otherwise left him alone to his thoughts.

"His name is James, too, right?" he finally uttered a block from the apartment.

"Yes. James Diamond."

Maslow nodded as if he'd expected the answer. "I need to move out of my house."

"I'm not sure Diamond's ready to live on his own."

"Fuck him. I need to get out."

Not stopping to think about what Mitchell would say, mostly because he would never have to personally deal with the repercussions, Logan offered, "I have a second bedroom, if you need a place. I don't care about rent, my mom pays for it anyway. For Mitchell to stay in school, I assume."

"Mitchell," James said softly. "I really like that guy."

Henderson nodded. "I know. I'll try to be the friend to you that he is, when I'm around."

James squeezed his hand before looking over. "You don't need to be him. I like you just fine the way you are."

Meeting the words with a smile, Logan pulled into the driveway of the apartment complex he shared with Mitchell. "At the risk of sounding forward, would you care to stay the night? We really should talk."

There was only a brief hesitation before James nodded. "Just keep your hands to yourself. Mitchell called dibs on me earlier."

"Ha, did he?" Logan laughed. "That's cool, I already broke Diamond."

"Broke him? You mean he admitted to knowing about me?"

"No, he's still in denial as far as I know. I meant that I fucked him. It's hard to keep my hands off you when you look just like him."

"Right," James replied. "You two fucked yesterday, right? That happened just before I came to in the bathroom, didn't it?"

"Yep. You disappeared as Diamond, reappeared as you. I didn't get to say goodbye."

"Yeah, I know that feeling," James agreed. "It sucks. I'm sorry."

Logan shrugged. "Whatcha gonna do?" They stepped out of the car, Logan locking it before reaching out for James' hand and leading him toward the apartment. "I bet he threw out my cookies. Bastard."

"No, they're in the kitchen. He put them away before we left earlier. I guess he and Diamond were going to share cookies and milk before I showed up."

"Really?" Logan grinned. "That's so cute. And so Mitchell."

"Actually, I think it was Diamond who wanted the cookies. Mitchell likes to eat healthy."

"I know, but milk and cookies? Is it just me or is that somehow so...innocent?"

"It is," James chuckled, letting Logan's hand drop while he unlocked the front door. "I don't think I ever had dinner. I'm starving, even after the muffin."

"Maybe he saved us some spaghetti."

They moved around the kitchen together comfortably, Logan digging out the leftover spaghetti he'd made only the day before while James found plates and drinks for them. "There should be a bag of salad in there, too," Logan instructed, "unless he ate it."

"No, it's here." Finding Italian dressing, James set everything on the table. "Bowls?"

"Down there," Logan pointed. "I was about to complain about the fact that I constantly fear he's going to pop up at any second. I bet it's the same for you."

"For me it's always blackouts I worry about. Isn't that what you thought it was, before you knew?"

"Yeah. I just really want to enjoy this spaghetti, at least."

"Totally," James agreed, the two meeting up at the table. "Let's hurry before one of us disappears."

They pounded the food, barely speaking until it was gone. "I hope he got some of this," Logan commented. "If not, too bad."

"You snooze, you lose," James tossed out. "You made this?"

"I did. Found a bunch of recipes online and tried out a new one each time I had the chance. Wait until you taste my apple pie."

"Oh god, stop. I'm so full right now."

Logan grinned. "Maybe next time. So you want to talk?"

"I don't really know what to say," James replied, shaking his hair out of his eyes. "Nothing can make this better."

"I know, but it feels good to talk it out. And if you have any questions, go for it. It's scary, knowing you don't really exist."

Maslow chewed his lip, eyes on his empty plate. "I did some research after talking to Mitchell last week. I didn't want to believe that was happening, always hoped it was something else. Mom would talk about MPD and tell me about Diamond. That I was...a figment of his imagination, basically."

"My psychiatrist says we're just real as them, James. We're here because they need us. I made sure to tell Mitchell that in the video I made, because I know he'd love to get rid of me. I cramp his style."

"I bet you do," James chuckled, leaning back in the chair. "I do the same to Diamond. What's he like, in your opinion?"

"Paranoid. Argumentative. Narcissistic. Ridiculous."

"And yet you still fucked him."

"He's fucking hot. The way he screams my name, Jesus. I could listen to that for the rest of my life."

"Sucks that we can't, doesn't it?" James asked in a small voice. "If it's not me disappearing, it's Mitchell. There's never any time."

"I know. It helps that Mitchell started making these videos. I already feel a little better, even though I don't know if I can trust him when he says he wants us to work together. I think he just wants me to relax enough that he can get rid of me forever."

"Can he? Is that possible?"

"I'm pretty sure. We can look into it, though. Arm ourselves. I wonder what he suffered that triggered me. Just too much stress or something particular?"

"It's usually a traumatic event that causes this," Maslow answered. Logan's response was a tiny smile, prompting James to ask, "What?"

"Just thinking about him and his jelly donuts. He may be crazy, but he's pretty damn cute."

"You miss him, don't you?"

"Strangely, I do. I was hoping to talk to him after we fucked. There wasn't much of that beforehand."

"I'm sorry," Maslow said again.

"Like you said, it's not your fault."

"If it helps, I miss Mitchell, too. We're suffering together."

Logan's eyes narrowed across the table. "I wonder if he made me another video. Want to go see?"

"Really?" James stood, excited at the prospect of seeing Mitchell again even through a computer screen.

"Come on."

While James stood behind the desk chair, Logan's eyes scanned the laptop's background. "Boom. He made a folder for himself. Thank you, Mitchell." He clicked it open, smiling when he found a video. "Sit down, relax. He tends to ramble, we'll be here a while."

"I can't see from the bed," James argued. "You guys need another chair."

Maslow's anticipation had Logan grinning. He scooted the chair out and pulled James around to sit on his lap. "There. Just chill, he's right here."

Soon enough Logan was on the screen-not the one James was currently cuddled up to, but the one he had a reason to fight for.

XXX


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Massive author's notes for this one:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

Second. This damn story can be blamed solely on **waterwicca**. I had the idea while writing "Keep Me in the Dark" but quickly chased it away, not even allowing it to take hold because that story was confusing enough by itself and I knew something like this would be a thousand times worse. Then Heather started spamming my ask box with the same idea, and I immediately ran away screaming because I just didn't want to do something like this. She kept going, though. And then we started discussing what it would be like and before I knew it, I was hooked. She gave me some good ideas, I threw in some of my own, and so we have this. It was supposed to be fun and lighthearted but 50 pages in, there's already angst. I should've kept running. So **waterwicca**, this one's for you. I hope it satisfies your craving.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

Lastly, thanking my beautiful betas **Aranelle** and **jdmazz**. Both of them were skeptical in the beginning, but after reading more of it they are hooked as well and I'm so grateful to them for giving their time and attention to my ramblings. I know a lot of you were looking forward to the Kames I was writing, but both of my betas agreed that the Kames wasn't working, they said it felt like my heart wasn't in it. It's true, it wasn't. So I went with this instead and thank them both for letting me know the other wasn't up to par. Maybe someday down the road I'll do another Kames.

Also, **waterwicca** has been moved up to beta status. It's only fitting, since this whole thing is her fault anyway. Thanks for the input and encouragement, Heather!

If you're still reading, thank you for taking a chance on me. It's going to get crazy before this is over haha. I love you guys!

**NOTE:** At the suggestion of **waterwicca**, I decided to use italics for any words/actions related to what's happening on video. It's not so bad when there's one person watching a video, but when you add more people to it, it tends to get a little confusing. So from this point forward, anything in italics is what's happening on the video the characters are watching. In the past, FF has messed up my italics, so hopefully that doesn't happen this time.

* * *

Mitchell stared into the camera, starting with a simple hello. After that he obviously hadn't known what to say, so he reached for something on the desk.

Henderson rolled his eyes, but he was grinning. "The damn notepad. I knew he'd take notes."

Maslow was smiling, too. "He's so precious. When did he do this?"

"Last night, it looks like."

_"Okay, so," Mitchell was saying, "got my trusty notes here, let's hope I remember everything I want to say. I just watched your video, and I want to thank you for doing that. I can only imagine what you must be feeling, because even though we're both dealing with the same thing, it's different for each of us. I'm around a lot more often than you and I have more control, so...yeah. I'm sure it's scary."_

Henderson and Maslow nodded together, Henderson's arm tightening around Maslow's waist. No one could understand what it was like for them, but they sure could understand each other.

_"You asked me about God. You're right, I don't believe in Him. I'm not a fan of religion, all it does is bring about war and close-minded thinking, and I know that's an unpopular opinion but it's what I've picked up after years of study. I'm sorry if that offends you."_

Henderson swallowed, not surprised but disappointed anyway. "Do you believe in God?" he asked Maslow softly.

"I do. Not Jesus, but God. I'm still waiting on The Messiah."

"Really?" When Maslow shrugged, Logan did, too. "Better than nothing, I guess."

"Shh, I'm missing my guy," Maslow chastised, reaching forward to rewind the video some.

"And you say _he's_precious," Henderson grinned.

_"If I did believe in God, though," Mitchell continued, "I'm sure I would attribute this as a blessing from Him. Because as much as I wish I wasn't this way, you obviously serve a purpose and keep me sane. I suppose that's relative, though; really, I'm not sane. But at least you keep me out of an asylum, right? There is that. Without you I'd probably go postal or sit here babbling incoherently about mitochondria and molecular biology. By the way, the medulla oblongata is a part of your brain. Also known as the brain stem. I wouldn't be surprised if the only technical name for a body part you know is the gluteus maximus."_

Henderson snorted while Maslow snickered, leaning back against Henderson and sliding an arm over his shoulders in order to settle in more comfortably.

"Your boyfriend is something else," Henderson said with a laugh.

"He's not my boyfriend," Maslow corrected. "We're just friends."

"But he has dibs on you."

Maslow shrugged, not wanting to get into it. What they were didn't matter, really; neither could make much claim when there was no guarantee they'd even speak to each other again. "Quit talking, I'm missing him again."

Henderson reached out to back the video up.

_"And I don't mean that as an insult. It's just obvious your focus isn't on academic subjects the way mine is. Which is fine, because I can handle that for both of us. Apparently I only need you in social situations, because I'm inept. You were right, I never kissed anyone until Maslow. Never really wanted to."_

"Oh my god," Maslow whispered. "I was your first?"

_"As long as we're on the subject, Henderson," Mitchell continued, "Maslow is..I know I can't make you do anything or control you in any way but Maslow is special to me. More special than anyone I've ever known. Don't ask me to explain it, I can't. Logically, my feelings for him shouldn't be so strong. We just met, have only spent a few hours together. I did manage to catch him on the phone earlier, though, so thank you for that. At least I got a few minutes to tell him I miss him. Fuck, I miss him."_

Maslow's free arm stretched out to touch the screen. "I miss you, too, Logan."

Suddenly aching for Diamond himself, Henderson paused the video.

"Sorry," Maslow offered. "It's just..."

"I know. I get it." Henderson sighed, his next words an attempt to lighten the mood. "I bet that's the first time he's ever cussed."

James laughed, resting his head on Henderson's. "I bet you're right. Hurry up and finish this, in case Diamond comes back. I want to hear what else he has to say about me."

"Or in case Mitchell comes back. Have I mentioned how much I hate not knowing when my time's up?"

"You have, and I totally get it." Maslow pressed "play" on the video, eyes glued to the screen as Mitchell attempted to clear his thoughts.

_"Point is, he's mine. I don't care what you do with Diamond, but hands off Maslow. I know what I said earlier, I can't control you, but...please, Henderson. Let me have this one thing. I've never been in love before and I shouldn't even be now and who knows if that's what this is but I want time to find out. I wish he was around more."_

Henderson felt moisture at his hairline, not wanting to acknowledge Maslow's tears for fear of embarrassing him. He did hug Maslow's waist tighter, though.

_Once again shaking off the gloom, Mitchell changed the subject. "Okay, the car. You're stuck with it, I'm sorry. I don't have the money for a new one, so unless you go rob a bank or something...wait, forget I said that. Just forget that idea completely."_

"Does he think I'm a criminal or something?" Henderson asked, offended. "What does he think of me?"

"That you're a sex addict who makes decisions based on the moment," Maslow replied, lifting a hand to wipe at a stray tear.

"I'm not a sex addict. I was perfectly willing to just talk with Diamond that day. When was that, yesterday?"

"I think so? It's hard to keep up sometimes."

"Yeah, it is. Let me rewind."

_"And the sex," Mitchell continued. "I'm a virgin. I'm sure you're not, based on your story about the church girl and the fact that you seem to be an outlet for my sexual aggression. Also basing that on the used condoms I find in the trash occasionally. Again, I can't control your actions but please make sure you're safe every time. The condoms are a good sign, so maybe I don't even have to say this. Just always be safe, educate yourself on sexually-transmitted diseases. I __bookmarked a website on the laptop that details the different types and the symptoms of each, as well as the best ways to prevent contracting anything."_

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Henderson said under his breath.

Maslow was amused. "He's like a mom, dude. He's adorable."

"You're in love with a mom. Who's the crazy person here?"

"Shut up, I told you. I can't be in love, I hardly know him."

"Whatever. Is he done spouting off about safe sex yet? I feel like I'm back in school."

Mitchell finished up a request that he refrain from sex in the car, or at least clean up after the fact. "'I've never even done that!" Henderson yelled at the screen. "Where does he get this shit?"

"So if Diamond started sucking your dick while you were driving, you'd stop him and say 'Wait, let's get home first'?"

"I...point taken." Logan once again rewound the video, and they returned their attention to the laptop.

_"Um...what else? You asked what I like to eat. I prefer healthy meals, but I won't argue that your spaghetti is the uh...bomb, I think you called it? So yes, anytime you want to cook up some of that, I'm more than happy to oblige. I mentioned the pie, which is incredible. Surprise me, I guess. I do love Italian food. And Mexican food."_

"There you go," Henderson smiled. "Now you know what to cook for him on a date. Get him roses, too, I bet he'd love that."

"Like we can even plan a date," Maslow argued. "That's the problem, we can't plan anything."

"So take advantage of the time when you have it. Next time you're both together, drag his ass over here for a dinner date."

"That's not practical. How would he even know I was back in control?"

"Text him. We should all do that, actually. The second we wake up from our blackouts, text the other and say 'Hey, I'm in the house until you hear otherwise.'"

"That won't work with Diamond," Maslow pointed out.

"No, I suppose not. Though I could text him when I show up. I'll mention that in my next video. Let's do it."

Maslow sighed before biting his lip, staring at Mitchell talking but not hearing a word he said. "And if I text him but you're in control?"

"I'll text you right back and let you know. And if I'm bored, you and I can do dinner instead. I'm not him, but I'm not horrible, am I?"

"No," Maslow chuckled. "You're not horrible. You're just not..."

"Him. I get it. You're not him, either."

"Sorry."

"Quit apologizing, it's not your fault. None of this is our fault. They're the crazy ones."

"But we love them," Maslow grinned.

"We do," Henderson nodded. "Let's finish this up."

_"I saw from your note that you met both sides of James," Mitchell commented. "Tell me how that went. You know by now that Diamond is difficult and Maslow is a dream. I really get the feeling Maslow's close to a breakthrough. I heard it in his voice on the phone, he's scared and hesitant to admit it to himself, but he knows something isn't right. I'm sure I'll be the one he confides in, but just in case, remember to be there for him. As a friend," Mitchell clarified. "And let him know I can answer any questions he has. Tell him I'll be back as soon as I can and that I'm here for him."  
_  
"Oh. Damn," Henderson said softly. "He's going to be hurt that I got through first."

Maslow's face had fallen as Mitchell spoke. "I was close to telling him," he said. "I was so close tonight, and then he was gone. He would've been the one if he hadn't disappeared. Tell him that for me, make sure he knows that."

"Dude, you'll see him before I will. I don't ever see him at all, remember?"

"I know, I just meant when you make your next video for him. He'll probably watch that right away once he wakes up."

Pursing his lips, Logan studied James as his mind worked. "Why don't we do it together? Want to stay the night?"

"I...yeah. I'd love to. Mom will shit, but I don't really care."

"Aren't you old enough to be out of that place by now?"

James shrugged. "You'll have to take that up with Diamond. I would've moved out ages ago."

"Maybe you can. Make a video for him, too."

"Are you crazy?" Maslow asked. "He's in denial and ridiculous. Why would he even watch something like that?"

"One of us will get him to. Probably me, if I'm in control."

"And if you're not? I don't think he and Mitchell get along."

"We'll figure something out. When this is done, let's record a video for Mitchell. After that, we'll do one for Diamond."

"This is so weird," Maslow said with a shake of his head.

"I know. That's what happens when you deal with crazy people, though."

"Right, because you and I are entirely sane."

Henderson grinned. "Not even close. But at least we understand each other."

Maslow couldn't argue that. "Do you think Mitchell has anything else bookmarked on here? I bet he researched a lot of stuff about DID on this laptop."

"DID?"

"Dissociative identity disorder. It's what they have."

"Oh, he called it MPD."

"Same thing." Maslow found the list of bookmarked sites, scanning it before saying, "Got it! Right here. I think it's a good idea for both of us to read as much as we can. We have to protect ourselves, you know?"

Henderson couldn't agree more. "Go get a chair from the kitchen and let's do this."

Maslow smirked. "Yeah, Mitchell might get the wrong idea about me sitting on your lap."

"Diamond probably wouldn't even care." The idea made Henderson sad.

"He might. You don't know that."

Henderson shrugged, not wanting to get his hopes up.

"How can we convince Diamond that I'm not a threat?"

"There's not a whole lot we _can_do, according to Mitchell. We all just have to...live with it."

"Then that's what we'll do," Maslow suggested, rising from Henderson's lap. "We'll all learn to play nicely together and co-exist. We should all be friends anyway, because even though I miss Mitchell like crazy, it helps having you here. I've never really had a friend before, at least not a real one."

"Neither have I. I don't think the other two have, either."

"So we make a nice little family, helping each other out when we need it. Which would be easier if I did live here. Is that offer still open?"

"Totally," Henderson nodded. "I guess we should run it by the other two first."

"I'm not sure Mitchell will go for it," Maslow worried.

"Trust me, he's not going to say no. The guy's crazy for you."

Maslow's face brightened. "I hope you're right."

"I'm more worried about Diamond. He won't want to leave the nest."

"Please, for the chance to live with you?" When Henderson shrugged, Maslow added, "Tell me this. Was the sex good?"

"Holy fuck, was the sex good. He'd better not try to lie about that, that little bitch was loving every second of it."

"Then we're fine. With the amount of porn on our laptop, I guarantee he'll be dying for a chance to sleep with you again."

"I can only hope," Henderson replied wistfully. "Okay. Get a chair. We'll finish the rest of this, make a couple of videos, then research. Sound good?"

"Perfect. Let me just call Mom. I'll be back."

"Bring me some cookies!" Henderson yelled as Maslow retreated from the room. "There's some fruit in the fridge for your healthy ass, too!"

"Got it!"

"You're gonna need it if we make it through this without losing each other," Henderson muttered to himself. "If we can stay in control, it's gonna be a long night."

* * *

There wasn't much more that Mitchell had to say in his video, but they rewound and finished it out anyway. Maslow couldn't look away from the screen as he munched on an apple, a look of such adoration on his face that Henderson felt like he was intruding.

"You've got it so bad."

"Be quiet. He's precious and I love him."

"I thought you were just friends," Henderson smirked.

"We are." Offering nothing else, Maslow returned his attention to the screen, where Mitchell was rubbing his hands together and glancing down at his trusty notepad.

"_I guess that's it, buddy," he said while looking up again. "Thanks for working with me, and together we can handle this. Don't be afraid of me, I meant what I said—you're a part of me, a part I need more than I ever realized. It sucks having to give up time here and there, but if that's what it takes to keep me sane...or something like it. Do a video for me, tell me all about how far you got with Maslow and Diamond. Just make sure you don't steal my guy. Unless you already have, and if that's the case...well, actually, I know that's not the case. I can tell by the way he sounded on the phone. He misses me, he said so."_

"I do," Maslow said quietly. "Why can't Diamond be as accepting as you?"

_Mitchell spoke again. "As for Diamond...whatever floats your boat. Catch you later, buddy."_

Inhaling to let out a deep sigh, Maslow tossed his apple core into a nearby trash can and laid his arms on the desk before resting his head on them.

Henderson lifted a hand to rub his back. "He'll be back before you know it."

"Yeah, but will I?"

Henderson couldn't answer that. Without warning Maslow, he started a new recording, making sure they were both in the frame. "I want you to see this," he said into the camera. "This is what Maslow looks like when he misses you."

Maslow sat up fast, eyes wide. "Dude, really?"

"My point, Mitchell, is that you have nothing to worry about. He's pining for you over here. He watched that video with me and you should've seen his face. Trust me, dude—nothing to worry about."

Next to him Maslow was blushing, but he licked his lips and held his composure to say, "It's true. I miss you, Logan."

Henderson smiled, the ache for Diamond back again but he knew their time would come. For now, it was Mitchell they had be concerned with.

* * *

Having given Maslow time alone to speak to Mitchell toward the end of the recording, Henderson was sitting on the patio halfway through a bottle of beer when Maslow poked his head out. "The night I met Mitchell. Had he already met Diamond?"

Eyebrows drawn together as he thought about that, Henderson said, "I think so? He mentioned meeting both of you the night of the meeting, and Thomas said he'd never met you, so I would assume you appeared after—yeah, Thomas said you stormed out of the meeting. No, Diamond did."

"Who's Thomas?"

"He runs the meetings at the center. Where we met you."

"So when Mitchell met me on the street, he already knew me?"

"He knew Diamond, I'm sure. Probably went after you when—fuck, this is confusing. Probably went after_ Diamond_, found you instead."

"I see."

Henderson studied Maslow in the glow from the patio light, finally offering, "There's another beer in the fridge."

"Yeah, I could use one. Thanks. Let me calm down and then we'll do Diamond's video."

"Sure thing, buddy."

They sat together in silence for a while, staring out over the city. Henderson let Maslow work his way through whatever was bothering him, glad that he'd been up front with Diamond about knowing of him already.

"I feel like he lied to me," Maslow finally confessed. "Like...we sat there that night and talked about him, talked about his DID, and the whole time he knew exactly what he was doing. I mean...I guess a part of me knew that, not then but later, when I started accepting I had the problem, too. I suspected he was hinting at things because he knew, because he'd met my other side. And you guys would talk about Diamond and I pretty much knew it then, even though I didn't want to admit that's what was going on. But that first night...I don't know. Why didn't he just tell me?"

"Because you would've run. He knew you weren't ready yet."

"But still. I feel so played, you know?"

"Yeah. I get it, dude. I'm sorry."

"Does Diamond know that you know?"

"We met at the meeting, so yeah. I kept telling him to trust me, that I could help him. He doesn't trust me in the slightest."

"Don't give up. He's just scared."

"I know," Henderson sighed. "We should probably get that video filmed before he comes back. If he somehow hears us talking about him, he'll get paranoid and fight his way back."

"And we know he's paranoid."

"Let's go talk to him." Henderson stood up abruptly.

"You are so antsy," Maslow smiled. "You really do miss him."

"Never said I didn't."

* * *

Maslow gave the same courtesy and left him alone to finish up the video. Henderson was subdued when he rejoined Maslow, who was exploring the apartment. "You okay?" Maslow asked.

"Yeah. Just...you know."

"Yeah," Maslow nodded. "I know. So uh...this would be my room?"

"Yes." Grateful for the subject change, Henderson walked into the spare bedroom. "Mitchell has all his crap in it, but we can put it in storage. Or in Mom's garage. Would your mom let you bring your stuff?"

"I don't know why she wouldn't. She'll be pissed that I'm moving out, or...well, maybe not. Maybe she can't wait to get rid of us."

"Either way, you're welcome here."

"As long as Mitchell agrees."

"Right. But let's be honest-is he really going to say no? He's like a mom, remember? Needs to look after you two."

"True," Maslow laughed. "Have I mentioned how precious he is?"

"Many times," Henderson answered, sliding an arm across Maslow's shoulders to lead him out of the room. "Come on, time's wasting. Let's go arm ourselves with knowledge."

"In case one of us disappears, let me say now that I'm glad we had this time together. You might just be the best friend I've ever had."

"Same, buddy. Same. Thanks for listening. And understanding. It's nice to talk to someone who gets it."

"Absolutely."

Henderson picked up the laptop he'd recently saved the two videos to, both in the folder with his name. He'd titled one "For Mitchell" and the other "For Diamond" before scratching out a brief note on the pad letting Mitchell know they were there. He moved to his bed, scooting up against the wall and making room for Maslow to join him. "Don't freak out, I'm not going to attack you."

"I wasn't worried," Maslow answered, getting comfortable next to Henderson. "I just didn't want Mitchell to return and think we were cuddling in bed. He does have dibs, you know," Maslow grinned.

"That he does. Do I even have to say that I'm off limits to you?"

"I thought you said Diamond didn't care."

"I don't think he does, but...I kind of wish he did. And that's new for me."

"Is it? Aww, Henderson's falling in love."

"Shut up, I hardly know the guy."

"This sounds familiar. Didn't we have this conversation earlier? About me and Mitchell?"

"Whatever. But Mitchell can make my life hell if he wants to. If we started screwing around and he found out, he'd make me pay somehow."

"True." Maslow bounced a little, delighted. "I like that he claimed me."

"Quit bragging. Just because your boyfriend isn't afraid to commit, don't rub it in."

"He's not my boyfriend, will you stop saying that?"

"Why? Like it a little too much?"

"More like _love_ it. So let's move on before I start to believe it."

"Okay, okay."

Henderson called up the bookmarked sites, settling back against the wall and attempting to get more comfortable.

"You know," Maslow said gently, "he might come around. You're worth holding on to. Hopefully he's smart enough to see that."

Henderson looked over with a soft smile, resting his head on Maslow's shoulder as he focused on the screen. "Thanks."

* * *

As they were both exhausted by that time, they mostly skimmed over everything but did manage to understand the basics of what they were dealing with. The condition was usually brought on by a traumatic event, as Maslow had mentioned, and Henderson wondered again what the trigger had been in Mitchell's life. They learned that there was no sure cure for DID, which reassured both of them a little, and the main goal wasn't so much to blend the two (or more, heaven forbid) personalities but to eliminate the need for them by forcing the primary to face the issues that had created the alter in the first place. This obviously had to be done carefully and gently over time, therefore assuring Henderson and Maslow that they'd be around for a while.

"Unless..." Maslow began, the two still cuddled on the bed.

"What?"

"Well, if Mitchell's afraid of sex, basically, or doesn't want to deal with it, what if once he accepts it as a part of his life there's no need for you?"

Henderson considered that, studying Maslow closely. "I would say you have control over that, since you're the one he's most likely to have sex with."

"Oh, so we just never have sex? That's nice."

Henderson shrugged. "You don't seem to be in any kind of hurry anyway."

"No, the truth is I never wanted that with a guy. It would cause a lot of problems if I become famous."

"Being gay? Because let me tell you, buddy, your sexuality isn't what's going to cause you problems—the fact that Diamond exists is."

"Oh. Good point." Maslow let out a frustrated noise. "Okay, let's move on."

They continued to read, seeing technical terms they didn't understand (though Maslow knew he would if he chose to dig deeper, but for now he was fine with just getting down the basics) and focusing more on the discussions of primaries vs. alters. Both were surprised to read that sometimes alters made up entire histories of themselves, having memories of doing things that the physical body never had. It made them wonder how much of what they remembered of their lives actually happened, as opposed to being a pre-set memory. Alters were also known to be more aggressive and outgoing, at least in personality, handling for the primary what he or she couldn't on his or her own.

"You don't seem too aggressive," Henderson pointed out. "You're a lot nicer than Diamond. More polite and refined."

"But I get a lot more done than he does, too. At least I think I do."

"What have you been able to pick up about him, just based on what you've seen of the way he lives? I learned a lot about Mitchell that way, once I realized he existed."

Maslow thought it over. "He's particular. Likes things a certain way."

"Really? I would've imagined him a slob."

"I don't even mean that, he can be messy at times. I can, too. But he has a regimen for certain things. He takes care of his body and his appearance. There's a daily schedule posted on the mirror in his room."

"Are you serious?" Henderson chuckled. "What does he do all day?"

"It's more the things he makes sure to do on a daily basis, not so much set times. He works out. He tans. He whitens his teeth. He brushes his hair a hundred times a day. He-"

Henderson was already snickering, Maslow raising a hand to shush him.

"This is a big deal to him, okay? Don't laugh or he'll never love you."

"I'm sorry. Go on."

"He um...he practices acting. I tend to come out at audition time, though."

"Really? So you...get him through the audition process?"

"I don't know if I do every time, but yes. Suddenly I wake up and he's getting ready to audition for something. What's strange is that I've never seen the script before, but going in I know exactly what I'm doing."

"So there's some kind of retention when you switch over."

"I guess."

"Mitchell and I don't have that. At least I don't think we do." They pondered that before Henderson asked, "What else does he do?"

"He practices singing. Possibly dancing, too, I'm not sure. Mom's complained a few times about the noise, so I assumed. Then again, my mom lies. I never know what to believe."

"That's sad."

"It's the way it is. She's my mom, can't change her."

"That's okay, you've got us now," Henderson grinned, pulling Maslow closer. "What more could you possibly need?"

"Sleep?"

"Yeah, I'm about to pass out myself. I hate to sleep, though, because I'll probably wake up as Mitchell."

"And I'll wake up as Diamond, which means I don't get to enjoy the Mitchell."

"And I miss out on the Diamond. Damn, this fucking sucks."

"I know." Maslow sighed before sliding his arms around Henderson's waist and hugging tight. "Thanks again for everything."

"Glad I could help." After kissing Maslow's hair, he said, "You know, we could make videos for each other, too. If there's ever anything you want to say and can't get to me."

Maslow nodded. "I'll think about that. I wonder how long we can stay in control. There's no time limit, is there?"

Their attention focused on the screen again, they skimmed the page until getting to that part and discovered that the alter could sometimes stay dominant for days at a time.

"Days?" Henderson said aloud. "That's...wow. I could get so much done if I had a couple of days. I wonder how we make that happen."

"Same. Is that really fair to them, though?"

"Is it fair to us that we can't even have a life?"

"Considering we're not real, Logan, it kind of is."

"Fuck that. Do you feel like you don't matter? Like your feelings aren't important because he made you up?"

"No, I guess not."

"Then take what you can get. I intend to be around as often as possible. I wonder if there's a way to call yourself to the surface. Fight your way forward."

"Dude, that's just rude," Maslow commented. "Imagine Mitchell and I are just about to kiss and you suddenly pop up. That's not cool, bro."

"Okay, well...if I can choose my moments..."

"You can't. We're not even aware of what's going on when we're asleep. It's up to them when we show up."

Henderson chewed on his lip, face full of determination. "Hang on. Let me check something out."

"What?"

"Just...hang on."

After dragging the laptop closer, Henderson opened another tab to bring up YouTube. He typed "multiple personality disorder" in the search box, skimming the results until he came to a few videos showing DID patients switching personae on camera. In most cases it appeared that a doctor brought about the switch, or that it happened spontaneously, but then they found a video blog run by a woman with their condition and witnessed her bringing the alter to the surface on command.

"Holy shit," Maslow whispered. "That explains a lot."

Henderson spoke in a hushed voice as well, awed. "She totally said 'Hang on, let me get Amanda,' and Amanda was there."

They watched it again, noting the way the girl seemed to take five or so seconds with her eyes closed before opening them again and being so obviously someone else in the same body.

"Wait, did you hear what she said?" Henderson asked with wide eyes. He backed it up and they listened to her talking about how the alter was whispering to her to hurry up and let her out because she wanted to speak.

"She can hear the alter," Maslow said in wonder. "Son of a bitch, I _knew_ it."

"She totally can. Unless she's making all this shit up." It was possible, of course, but he didn't doubt her; it was hard to after living the same story. "So..." Henderson spoke slowly, "...it's possible to communicate with each other. If I knew how, I could talk to Mitchell."

Maslow didn't respond, mind racing.

"Think Mitchell knows?"

"He might," Maslow responded.

"He's a smart motherfucker. Okay, we have to figure that out, how to open up that line of communication. But not tonight, I can hardly keep my eyes open."

"Same here." Maslow moved off the bed, stretching as he yawned. "Mind if I hit your couch?"

"Of course not, but you're welcome to share the bed. I'll behave."

"It's not you I'm worried about, I just don't want Mitchell waking up and thinking...you know."

"Right," Henderson smiled, shutting down the laptop. "We don't want him thinking you cheated on him."

"Don't you dare laugh at me."

"I'm not, I think it's adorable. Goodnight, Maslow. It's been quite an evening."

"Yes, it has. I'll see you when I see you?"

"Sounds good. Take care of yourself."

"You, too. And thanks again."

"Anytime. Make me a video."

"We'll see," Maslow chuckled. "You can do the same. Night."

"Goodnight."

Henderson waited for Maslow to use the bathroom before doing the same, peeking in on him during the return trip to the bedroom. He knew what Maslow was going through, having come to the same level of acceptance only the day before. Maslow was staring at the ceiling while lying on the couch, shoes off and thoughts spinning. Logan pulled an extra blanket and pillow from a hall closet, tossing them both to Maslow.

"Thanks."

"No problem. Feel free to shower in the morning or do whatever you need. Mi casa es su casa."

"Got it," Maslow laughed.

"Night, James."

"Goodnight, Logan."

Henderson was almost to his room when Maslow called him back. "Hey, Logan?"

"Yeah?" he answered he as returned to the living room.

"What if every time I get close to having sex with Mitchell, he turns into you?"

"Oh. Shit. That would suck for you."

"Wouldn't it? What if every time you and Diamond fuck, he turns into me before you can get him talking?"

Henderson's eyes fell closed. "Please don't say that."

"Just a thought I had. Mitchell runs from sex, Diamond runs from feelings."

"We'll just have to work on them. One step at a time."

Maslow nodded. "Yeah. One step at a time."

* * *

Logan Mitchell was having a delicious dream. A hand was sliding slowly down his side, awakening nerve endings he wasn't accustomed to stimulating, then the hand slid up under his shirt to rub heat over his skin. He made a sound in his sleep as the hand moved down his chest, body squirming as his hips bucked up in hopes of attention. "James," he whispered, and suddenly the hand was where he needed it to be, slow and caressing as it moved over the bulge in his sweat pants.

Lips at his neck then, almost hesitant, and when the teeth nipped a little too hard his eyes flew open. In the darkness he could make out James above. "Hi," he said softly, licking his lips. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too." The hand went back to work, Logan gasping because wow, James suddenly went from wanting to stay friends to this? When the hand worked its way inside the pants, wrapping firmly around him, Logan moaned before lifting a hand to James' chest. "Whoa. Not sure I'm ready for-"

The hand was gone in an instant, James' entire body backing away fast then. "Fuck! You're Mitchell."

Mitchell sighed, aching for Maslow. "I should've known. Maslow wouldn't have attacked me like that."

"Oh please, you were loving every second of it. You're still hard."

"So are you," Mitchell shot back. He couldn't see that in the dark, but he assumed it was the case.

"I thought you were Henderson, of course I'm hard."

"And I thought you were Maslow. Sadly, you're not."

"No. I'm not."

It hit them then, each one suddenly sad. Diamond was right, Logan _was_ hard and aching, and it scared him how intensely he needed to finish this. He hated losing control, hated not being able to keep his body in check. Yet he'd wanted Maslow. Wanted that hand on him again, even though he'd stopped James from-

The blackness started to rise, Mitchell panicking but knowing what it meant and managing to call out "Diamond! Wait! Come back!"

"What. There's nothing you can say to me that I need to hear right now."

Logan was silent for a long moment, Diamond waiting in the dark but finally giving up and starting to leave the room.

"James? Is that you?"

Halting at the door, Diamond froze. "Henderson?" He turned back slowly, feeling eyes on him in the dark.

"Yeah. Did you need something?"

Diamond took a running leap toward the bed, crashing over Henderson to attack his mouth.

"Oh fuck, please tell me you're Diamond," Henderson said between kisses, his hands sliding down into the jeans to cup Diamond's ass.

"Shut up, just stop talking," Diamond commanded, not wanting to address the words and what they might mean. He tore at Henderson's pants, getting rid of them in a matter of seconds while Henderson did the same to him, clothing tossed to the floor until they were naked and Henderson rolled over onto Diamond, pinning him to the bed.

"Fuck!" Diamond whined, legs wrapping around Henderson's waist. "Hurry, do this before you disappear again!"

"Oh, I'm not going anywhere until I get this." His tongue dove into Diamond's mouth while one hand reached under the mattress, once again grateful Mitchell hadn't found his stash of supplies—or maybe had and left it there. It didn't matter, Henderson had what he needed. James bucked up as he was stretched, already moaning again and fuck, that never got old. He was so desperate for it, so giving and open when it came to sex, so unlike the paranoid, closed-off version of himself that Henderson had met at the meeting. After preparing himself, Logan pushed in hard, Diamond shuddering beneath him.

"Yes, fuck yes, deeper, harder, just...fuck!"

Henderson could deny him nothing. He used his arms to push James' knees up further, bracing himself before pounding hard enough to rock the bed. Fingers curled into the sheet, James chanted "fuck fuck fuck" with each thrust until he couldn't do much more than whine in a high-pitched voice as his body was shoved further up the bed every time Logan moved forward.

"You're so hot," Henderson whispered. "How are you so fucking hot?"

Diamond whined again, louder this time and Henderson knew it was almost over. Maslow's words tumbling in his mind, he wasn't ready to say goodbye yet, wasn't ready for this to end. "Stay with me," he ordered, panting over Diamond. "Don't you dare leave me."

"Right here," Diamond managed, eyes rolling back. "Fuck, just don't stop, don't stop, don't—ahhhh fuck yeah," he gasped, body convulsing as the orgasm raced through him. Henderson couldn't hold back anymore, finally letting go before collapsing onto Diamond and burying his face in Diamond's neck. He struggled to speak, desperate to make sure he hadn't lost Diamond yet.

"Are you still here?"

"Where would I go? You've got me trapped. Not that I'm complaining," Diamond grinned, wrapping his arms and legs around Henderson while at the same time seeming to stretch like a sated cat. "You're not going anywhere."

Letting out a relieved sigh, Logan rolled onto his back and pulled James into his arms. James didn't fight it, tangling their limbs and moving closer with a satisfied sound.

"You're adorable when you let me love you," Henderson grinned, kissing Diamond's lips once. "You should do it more often."

"Stick around, sexy. You miss out otherwise."

"Don't I wish," Henderson replied softly, hugging James tighter. He wasn't planning to let go of this until he had to.

"I'm tired," Diamond said suddenly. "So tired."

"I know you are." Despair swam to the surface, Henderson knowing what it meant. "Thank you. I've missed you."

"Mmm. I missed you, too."

They were the last words Henderson heard before Diamond sank into sleep, and he held them to his heart until the exhaustion overwhelmed him as well.

XXXX


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Massive author's notes for this one:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

**NOTE:** At the suggestion of **waterwicca**, I decided to use italics for any words/actions related to what's happening on video. It's not so bad when there's one person watching a video, but when you add more people to it, it tends to get a little confusing. So from this point forward, anything in italics is what's happening on the video the characters are watching.

Thank you to** Aranelle** and **waterwicca** for beta on this one. I did follow some suggestions and I think the chapter is better for it.

This is a very long chapter, but it felt right to post it all at once. Maybe because after this is when things start to fall apart. I've never had that happen in a story before, I usually have an end goal in mind and each chapter gets us closer to that goal. While I do have an end goal in mind for this one, the more I write the more I get sidetracked and it finally hit me that it's because my characters get sidetracked every time they switch personalities. I'm understanding now how difficult it must be for them to accomplish anything. They make these plans and then give up control to the other personality and it's like "What was I doing?" What's making it worse is Henderson and Diamond seem to always want sex, so things of that nature keep randomly happening out of nowhere and it's such a mess just trying to get these guys to a stable place because they're confused and going through so many conflicting emotions and suffering so much guilt and...anyway. That's all in the future. This story has become scattered all over the place and if you find it too hard to follow or just not your cup of tea, I understand if you stop reading it. Thanks for getting this far.

* * *

Mitchell awoke to find himself naked and curled around a warm body. He knew what it meant, remembered sensing that Henderson was on the way and calling Diamond back. His stomach was sticky, the sensation freaking him out a little as he untangled his limbs from what he actually hoped was Diamond for once. It would be awkward to wake up naked with Maslow.

He stood up just as James let out a groan. "Don't leave me yet."

"Too late. He's gone."

"Fuck." Sleepy hazel eyes opened to stare up at Mitchell, taking in his nudity and the mess on his stomach. "Gross, dude. Go clean up."

"Hello, you did this to me!"

"Mmm, I did. It was fantastic. Why can't you be Henderson all the time?"

"Why can't you be Maslow all the time?"

"Shut up, there's no such thing as Maslow."

"Yeah, whatever. Might as well just accept it now, James."

"I accept nothing. But I miss him already. Nobody's ever fucked me the way he does."

"I'm sure he'd take pride in that." Mitchell reached down to pick up his sweat pants, tugging them on while Diamond snickered. "What's so funny?"

"You're putting on your pants to go shower. It's not like I haven't already seen you naked."

"Be quiet, I feel better clothed." Logan dug into his dresser for a clean outfit, walking out of the room with jeans, a t-shirt, and fresh boxers.

"Make me breakfast!" Diamond called after him.

"Henderson's the cook, not me!"

"Have him teach you! He can do a video or something!"

"Go eat cereal!"

"No, I want eggs! And pancakes! Make me pancakes, Logan!"

"I'm closing the door now, James!"

He did so, stripping before climbing into the shower and washing the mess off his stomach. He immediately felt better, letting the hot water soothe his aching muscles. Henderson must've gone all out the night before, and if so it was no wonder Diamond was in a good mood.

_Well. Good mood for _him_, I suppose. At least he's not running away._

Diamond was in fact doing just the opposite, Logan surprised when he stepped into the shower a minute later. "Excuse me, you don't just intrude on someone's shower."

"Please, we slept together. Don't get all shy on me now."

"I did not sleep with you. You know how it works, that was not me."

"Still, your body's nothing new for me. Much nicer than I expected it to look, too. Move over, I need to get my hair wet."

"You can just wait your turn. I have shampoo to rinse out."

"You're such a baby," Diamond said with a roll of his eyes, reaching up to adjust the spray so that it fell over Logan's head. "Here." He used his hands to help, squeezing shampoo out of Logan's hair. "My turn. Move."

It was close quarters, but they managed to change places, Diamond humming as the hot water cascaded over his body. "That feels so good. You should massage my shoulders."

"I'm not going to—will you just—why are you in my shower?"

Diamond laughed at Mitchell's obvious discomfort. "You said I could stay the night. You invited me."

"No, you asked. I said okay."

"Same thing."

"It is _not_ the same thing. Can I have some of that now? I'd like to condition my hair."

"You use that drugstore crap, don't you?" Peeking over at the bottles resting on the ledge, James nodded. "Yeah. No wonder your hair looks like that."

"You don't seem to mind Henderson's," Mitchell pointed out smugly.

"He always wears a hat. I would, too, if I had your hair."

"Must you insult me in my own home? In my own shower, for heaven's sake?"

"You can ask me to leave. I'll go home now."

They stared at each other, Diamond challenging Mitchell with a raised eyebrow. As aggravating as Diamond was, Mitchell finally shook his head. "No. I'd like you to stay."

"Good," Diamond grinned. "You gonna make me breakfast, too?"

"I don't have pancake mix."

"You got eggs?"

"Yes."

"Cheese?"

"I think so."

"Omelet works just fine. I like my toast lightly browned."

"I like my showers alone, but we can't all have what we want, can we?"

"Nope," Diamond agreed. "Otherwise you'd be Henderson and fucking me up against the wall right now."

Speechless, Logan shoved Diamond aside before reaching for the conditioner.

* * *

Logan cooked breakfast while James watched Saturday morning cartoons, occasionally lamenting the loss of his old favorites. Logan actually agreed, and for the first time they had something besides their mental illness in common.

Talk about their favorite television shows and movies from childhood carried them through most of breakfast, Logan surprised that James was actually still in a good mood. He smiled more, laughed at things Logan said, was relaxed and somewhat...normal.

"Why aren't you like this all the time?" Logan finally asked. "We'd get along better if you were."

James shoveled food into his mouth, ignoring the question.

"Fine. But you'd make more friends if you weren't always so...you."

"So would you. I don't see you checking your phone every ten minutes for texts. Do you even _have_ friends?"

"I've got you. Does that count?"

"Not really, because we're not friends."

"Then why are you here?"

"Because you tricked me yesterday. Got me thinking you were Henderson. And I kissed you. Gross."

"Are you..." Logan shook his head in wonder. "You said I kissed well! That Henderson must've taught me something! You flirted with me, Diamond!"

"I'm sure you're imagining that."

"You are impossible! Just for that, you're done eating." Logan ripped the fork out of Diamond's hand, throwing it down on the plate before dragging that away.

"Hey, I still have a whole slice of toast!"

"Not anymore, you don't. You just lost your free breakfast privileges." Logan stood up and dumped the remainder of their meals in the trash, then moved to the sink to rinse the plates.

"You're an asshole."

"You're a dick."

"Why did you even invite me over if you didn't want me here? Why did you come get me?"

"Because you need to talk about it, James. You need to just face this thing already so we can move forward. Henderson and I managed to deal with it, now you and Maslow need to do the same."

"I told you, there's no such thing as-"

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Maslow's just as real as Henderson. And he's a lot easier to get along with than you are."

"If you hate me so much, take me home." James stood up, defiant.

"Maybe I will."

"Maybe you should."

"Maybe you should be quiet for five seconds and let me think."

"Maybe you should just admit that you want me."

"That I...want..." Feeling like he could rip out every hair on his head, Logan shoved the dishwasher rack in so hard everything rattled before closing the door and spinning to face James. "I'm not in love with you! I'm in love with Maslow! Which makes it really hard to look at you sometimes because I want to punch you but then I'd be punching him, too, and I can't do that. You make me crazy."

"_Er_. Crazi_er_. Because you're already nuts."

"So are you!" Logan exploded. "Just fucking admit it already, Jesus Christ, Diamond!"

"Dude, you're seriously pissed. Are you going to turn into Henderson again? Because if that's how to make it happen, I'll-"

Logan yet out a yell and shoved Diamond up against a wall, kissing him hard while his head knocked back against the plaster. Diamond immediately moaned, returning the kiss with fervor while his hands rubbed up and down Logan's arms, his own body already awake and desperate.

"Fuck yes, if that's all I have to do-"

Logan broke away, pushing himself off the wall and Diamond. "It's me, you idiot. I was proving a point."

Diamond blinked. "Mitchell?"

"Yes. Don't ever say kissing me is gross, because you almost had me on the floor. _Me._ Not him."

"Will you knock that shit off? Quit pretending to be him! It's not fair!"

"I wasn't pretending anything. I was simply showing you-"

"Then don't show me. It's just mean when you tease me like that."

The next second Diamond was up against the wall again, breath coming fast.

"Don't tease me anymore, Logan, please."

"I want to show you something else," he said softly, then leaned in to press his lips to Diamond's. When Diamond tried to make it more, Mitchell pulled back. "No. Just relax." He kissed Diamond again, slowly, stopping each time Diamond attempted to make it sexual. Eventually Diamond matched the pace, slowing his lips and deepening the kiss in a way that was tender.

Mitchell braced himself on the wall with one arm, lifting the other to place a hand over Diamond's chest. "Your heart is racing," he whispered. "Don't be scared. It's just a kiss." When terror stared back at Logan, he kissed Diamond softly. "Stay with me. You can do this."

Their next kiss was deeper, Diamond sinking into it but finally in no hurry to make it more. It lasted a full minute, Logan finally pulling back to whisper, "You still here?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Are we...are you good now?"

"I'm uh...yeah."

"I know it's scary to trust someone, but you can trust me. Feelings don't have to be scary."

"I don't...I can't..."

Mitchell leaned in for one more kiss, drawing it out until Diamond was calm again. "So. Not gross?"

"No. Not gross."

"Good." Logan smiled. "We're making progress. Still want me to take you home?"

"No. But um...if I start feeling you up, will Henderson come back?"

Logan shook his head. "Let's not find out. I like being in control."

"Are you gonna keep kissing me or was that just a one-time thing?"

"It was...I was proving a point. And calming you down."

"So it won't happen again," Diamond assumed.

"I would think not. I've got dibs on Maslow."

"Who doesn't exist."

"Who is the most perfect man I have ever met," Logan countered.

"I thought you said he was crazy. Someone I made up."

"He is. So we're perfect for each other."

"Can we stop talking about this now?"

Logan sighed, finally backing away from Diamond. "Let's go see if Henderson made me a video. I don't know that he would've had time, since he was probably hanging out with Maslow all night, but—wait." He'd begun to walk toward the living room but spun around again. "What's the last thing you remember last night?"

"What do you mean?"

"You were sitting on that couch right there, and I was bringing you milk and cookies. Then what?"

Diamond's eyes cut away, his refusal to answer the question spurring Logan to continue.

"Exactly. What's the next thing you remember?"

"I'm not talking about this."

"Diamond, please. Do it for Henderson. He wants you to get past this."

"I just..."

"What?"

Diamond chose to answer the original question instead. "I woke up on the couch. It was late. I went to find you in the bedroom, and you know what happened then. I was hoping you were Henderson, though."

"But you don't remember anything in between?"

Diamond shook his head, eyes downcast.

"That's because Maslow took over," Mitchell said quietly. "I came back into the room and you were him, he'd just woken up. And I kissed him, and we went out to the diner, and when we were there I lost consciousness. So I'm assuming Maslow and Henderson spent the evening together."

"Still not buying any of this."

"What do I have to do, James? They've shown you video, right? Of Maslow in charge?"

"That wasn't me, that was-"

"Come on." Mitchell grabbed his hand. "Let's go see if Henderson can talk some sense into you. I hope he made a video."

Diamond allowed himself to be dragged down the hall to the bedroom in hopes he'd get to see Henderson again—on video, if nothing else.

* * *

The first thing Logan noticed was the kitchen chair parked next to the desk one. He'd missed that earlier and hadn't noticed it was absent from the kitchen table, either.

"They watched something together. They...oh wow. Maslow watched my video."

Sinking into the desk chair, Mitchell thought back over everything he'd said, panicked. "He heard me talk about him. Knows I want more than friendship. Knows he was my first kiss, oh God." Hiding his face, Mitchell wished the earth would swallow him up.

"What are you whining about over there?" Diamond had taken the second chair. "Who was your first kiss?"

"Maslow was. Damn. What else did I say?"

"Maslow was your first kiss?" Diamond snorted a laugh. "Seriously, dude? Did you live in a cave all your life?"

"Shut up, we're not all sex addicts like you and Henderson. And I notice you're not telling me Maslow doesn't exist."

Diamond only shrugged, that defensive gesture of arms crossed over his chest appearing again.

"You know the truth. Why are you so afraid to admit it?"

"Because they're wrong," Diamond sighed. "It's not DID."

Mitchell sat up straighter, seeing something in Diamond he hadn't before-a rational side, someone who could be reasoned with. "What is it then? Tell me."

"It's just...it's embarrassing."

"I won't laugh at you, James. Swear. You can tell me anything."

And there it was, the need to confide in someone, the need to trust. Had Diamond ever trusted anyone in his life? "Promise?"

"Yes." Now Mitchell was excited, but doing his best to seem like whatever Diamond said was no big deal. He didn't know what he'd said or done to suddenly gain Diamond's trust, though he wasn't about to throw the opportunity away. "We're just two friends telling secrets. You do believe that I'm not part of a conspiracy, right? We've made it that far?"

"We're not friends."

"We're not...James, how can you say that? If I'm not a friend, then what am I?"

"You're...I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet."

"That's because you've never had a friend. You don't know what one feels like. Am I right? Have you ever had friends?"

Diamond nodded slowly, teeth biting on the fingernail that was suddenly lifted to his mouth.

"You have? Can we talk about it?"

Diamond debated for what seemed like ever, but then he said softly, "He's imaginary. I had an imaginary friend when I was little. His name was James and he lived in mirrors."

Stunned, Logan could only stare. Now Diamond was really going to work on that fingernail, another nervous habit they shared but Logan managed to keep at bay most of the time.

"Go ahead. Laugh."

"I'm not laughing. Tell me more," Mitchell encouraged.

"I'd talk to him sometimes. As a kid."

"Would he talk back?"

"Yeah."

"Was his last name Maslow?"

Diamond shrugged, not meeting Mitchell's eyes.

"Okay. That's okay, we're getting somewhere. So...when did you talk to him? And when did it stop?"

"When my step-dad moved out."

"Your...okay. Step-dad." Mitchell struggled to follow the half-answers. "When was that?"

"I was about twelve."

"Okay." He kept repeating the word, but it helped center him. "And Maslow disappeared then?"

"Mostly. I got rid of him for a long time, but I think he's back now. The thing is..."

Mitchell waited, biting his lip.

"I think he got out."

Blinking slowly, Mitchell asked, "Of the mirror?

Diamond nodded again. "Somehow he got into my head. He takes over sometimes. But he doesn't exist. He's totally fake and he doesn't understand that. I've told him before, he doesn't get it."

The doctor in Logan was ready to erupt, ready to make a case file and take notes and what in the world was this classified as? He was fascinated, but knew if he reacted in that manner he would scare Diamond into closing up again. "What do the doctors say about Maslow?"

"You know what. They think I have DID. But I don't. Maslow isn't me. He's just...this friend I made up."

"Which would make him part of you," Mitchell said gently. "Why did you start talking to him in the first place?"

Diamond shrugged, the gesture apparently what he did when he was uncomfortable, and looked as if he wanted to shrink in on himself. "Nobody would listen to me. I'd tell them the truth and nobody believed me. James did."

The dots connected fast then. "Your step-dad. What did he do, James?"

Diamond shook his head.

"Okay. That's okay. He abused you, right?"

Now Diamond was chewing on his lip nervously, restless.

"Don't. Don't go anywhere. As much as I miss Maslow, I need you here right now."

"You don't need me. You like him better anyway."

Logan's heart dropped. He'd never heard Diamond speak in such an emotionless voice. Closing his eyes, he searched for words to say that would help Diamond without making him more uncomfortable. "You make it hard to like you, but you do that on purpose. I _want_to be friends, remember?"

"Only because you love him. You have to keep me around for him."

"James, no. God, you really believe that?" When there was no answer, Mitchell reached out to do something he thought he'd never want to do. He hugged Diamond tight, wishing Diamond wasn't so stiff in his arms. "Please. Be my friend. I don't have any, either. You and I, we're the same. Just accept it, that Maslow is part of you. Let me help you. Let _him_help you."

"Henderson?"

"No, Maslow. But yeah. Henderson, too. He wants to."

"I'm so afraid to go back," Diamond suddenly whispered, fingers digging into Mitchell's shirt. "If I admit it, that I'm crazy, they'll make me go back. The only way I got out of there was by pretending Maslow was fake. I made him stay away, learned to live without his help. If I tell them he's back..."

Mitchell sat back, staring at Diamond with wide eyes. "They locked you up?"

Another nod, this one fast while Diamond fought off tears. "Mom didn't know how to deal with me. She never believed anything I said and when Maslow would take over...she knew I was crazy. I kept threatening to..."

"What?"

"Fuck. I don't want to talk about this."

"I'm not judging you. Please, James. You need to. Our secret."

Diamond seemed to be done keeping it all inside, perhaps had been wishing for someone to confide in for years. "I kept saying I was gonna kill Maslow. Because he was causing all those problems and making me forget things and Mom hated me for being crazy, so I kept saying I would find a way to kill him. They put me in a hospital after that. Said they were afraid I'd hurt myself."

"How old were you?"

"I told you. Twelve."

"Your step-dad was there while all of this was going on?"

"He left after I got committed. Said I was too much hassle. Mom blamed me for losing him, I know she did."

Once again Logan wished for a notebook, some way to write all this down chronologically and study it, analyze it until it came together. Instead he took a moment to let it all settle, trying to understand the way it had played out. "So...your dad abused you. Nobody believed you, except Maslow."

"James. I called him James."

"And he'd be your friend."

Diamond nodded.

"But it got worse because he...got out of the mirror and into your head?"

"Right. Then he started taking over. I thought the abuse stopped, but...I think Maslow would show up when it happened. I think he started fighting back."

"Okay. That makes sense. And then your step-dad must've been angry? It caused problems with your mom?"

"I don't know. She started to hate me. And when she would get mean-"

"Maslow took over again," Mitchell surmised.

"Maybe? I don't know. I just know I started forgetting things. And it got worse and worse and caused all these problems and I wanted to kill him. So they put me in a hospital."

"And eventually you made Maslow go away."

"Mostly, yeah."

"You pretended to be...normal, for lack of a better word."

"It worked. I got out."

Logan's mind was once again racing, connecting as many dots as he could. "And now? What's your relationship like now, with Maslow?"

"We don't talk anymore."

"Not even in the mirror?"

"Nope. Last time I talked to him I told him never to come back. I don't need friends like that, who ruin my life."

"You realize," Logan started softly, "that he does come back, right? I get why you deny him, you're afraid of going back, but...you know he's still here, right?"

Diamond's lids fluttered rapidly, eyes suddenly wet. "I just want him to go away."

Diamond wasn't stiff this time when Mitchell held him. He clung desperately instead, the dam breaking as he cried into Mitchell's shoulder. It was awkward in a way, because Mitchell wasn't one to comfort another, and certainly not through physical affection, but something about this side of James also brought out his nurturing nature.

"Why do you still go to the meetings?" Mitchell asked, hands rubbing over Diamond's back. "You're an adult, she can't force you anymore."

"She said she'll kick me out if I don't get help. She noticed he's starting to come back, but I don't have anywhere else to go. I'm a fuck-up with no friends and nobody in my family wants me but if I admit it, if I tell them Maslow's still here, they might-"

"Okay," Mitchell interrupted, because Diamond's voice was approaching hysteria. "Okay, I get it. I wish you could see my doctor. She's so great, letting me do all this at my own pace and working with me."

"I have the best doctors money can buy," Diamond sniffed. "Mom says so. But they can't even fix me."

"Because you won't let them. Would she let you see my doctor instead? I'd go with you. Dr. Steph would help you, I know she would."

"I don't know. How do I know she won't put me back in the hospital?"

"You can trust her, James. I promise."

"I barely trust you."

"True," Mitchell agreed, lips pursed. "But like I said, I'd go with you. Maybe you should try to talk to Maslow on your own."

"We don't do the mirror thing anymore."

"Could you if you wanted to? Do you remember how?"

"Not happening."

"Why not?"

"Because," Diamond replied, eyes beady and suspicious. "I can't let him out even for one second or he'll try to take over."

"He comes out anyway," Logan reasoned.

"Yeah, and you'd probably figure out a way to keep him here all the time because you love him."

Logan rolled his eyes. "You are so paranoid. I wouldn't do that. Henderson wouldn't _let_ me do that. He likes you better, remember?"

"Yes he does," Diamond suddenly grinned, pleased with himself. "I know how to satisfy him."

"What about a video, or maybe write him a letter? Just talk to him, see if you two can work together the way Henderson and I do."

"Does he know about me?" Diamond asked. "I mean, I know he does, but does he understand what's wrong with us?"

"No, he seems close to a breakthrough but..." Mitchell trailed off, wondering how that was possible if Maslow had been around since their childhood. How could he _not_ be aware of Diamond? Had he been playing dumb with Logan all along?

"Are we done? I want to watch Henderson now. I miss him."

Knowing he wasn't getting any further with Diamond tonight, Mitchell sighed. "Fine. Go wash up before someone sees your face all red and splotchy," he teased.

Diamond let out a shriek before rushing out of the room.

"And make sure you come back when you're done, I'm not finished with you yet!"

God, this was such a mess. How could he get Diamond and Maslow to talk? How much was Maslow hiding from him?

Returning his attention to the desk, Logan spied the notepad.

_"We made 2 videos. One for you, one for Diamond. MAKE HIM WATCH IT."_

_We._ The word stunned Mitchell with its implications.

Diamond set down two bottles of water when he returned. "What's wrong?"

Mitchell looked up slowly, meeting guarded hazel eyes. "It's Maslow. He knows about you."

* * *

The video was like a mirror, both Maslow and Henderson sitting in the exact same chairs. Maslow was slumped over the desk, though, which was odd. Perhaps he was in mid-switch? He looked miserable. Mitchell kept an eye on Diamond, who looked as if he was about to hyperventilate.

"You okay?"

Diamond continued to stare at the laptop, his complexion going gray.

"James. Look at me. I'm right here, it's okay."

Shaking his head violently, Diamond stood up. "It's _not _okay." He started to pace, a hand running through the longer tresses.

Mitchell twisted the chair to face him. "Calm down. You've seen Maslow on video before, this shouldn't be a big deal."

"I was twelve!" James yelled, stopping to glare at Logan. "I was just a kid! I convinced myself they'd found someone who looked like me to say those things!"

"Just what did he say?"

"I don't know, I hardly even listened! It didn't matter, it wasn't me!"

"But you know that this is? You believe it now?"

Glancing over Logan's head at the screen, hearing his own voice as well as Henderson's, James' face crumpled. "He wouldn't lie to me," he whispered.

"Who?"

"Henderson. He wouldn't lie to me, I know that much."

Releasing a long breath and closing his eyes, Logan let the relief pour through him. Diamond finally believed.

"Swear to me they won't put me away again. Swear it."

"As long as you don't try to harm yourself or anyone else, they won't. I'll talk to Steph, we'll figure this out."

"All that time..." James muttered softly. "All that time, he was real."

"Well...as real as a figment of your imagination can be. But he controls your mind and body at times, so he's real enough." When James continued to stare at the screen in wonder, Logan spun around again and patted the kitchen chair. "Come on. Sit with me and watch this. Maybe they'll embarrass me and give you something to laugh about."

It was a long wait, Logan stopping the video and simply sitting there, but eventually Diamond's curiosity won out. He sat and cracked open one of the water bottles, swallowing half of it down. "He's wearing my clothes."

"Yes, James. You share clothes. You share everything."

"I don't like sharing."

A chuckle escaped Logan. "I don't really, either. Henderson's bugging me to get a new car."

"You should. The one you have is something an old person would drive."

Sighing, Logan rolled his eyes. "You two seriously belong together."

Finally James was smiling, liking that. "We do. He's...wow. I wish I could talk to him more. Can I feel you up again? I still think that would work to get him back."

"Not right now," Logan scolded. "Just watch this with me."

He started the video at the beginning, making sure Diamond was paying attention this time.

"_I want you to see this," Henderson said into the camera. "This is what Maslow looks like when he misses you."_

_Maslow sat up fast, eyes wide. "Dude, really?"_

"Oh my god," Logan whispered, hands gripping the desk tightly. "I miss you, too."

"Here we go," Diamond complained. "Pathetic."

"Shut up, he's beautiful."

"_My point, Mitchell," Henderson picked up, "is that you have nothing to worry about. He's pining for you over here. He watched that video with me and you should've seen his face. Trust me, dude—nothing to worry about."_

_Next to him Maslow was blushing, but he said, "It's true. I miss you, Logan."_

"_He's pretty pathetic," Henderson teased, an arm still around Maslow's shoulders._

"See?" Diamond said. "That's what I'm saying."

"Shhhhh!" Mitchell smacked Diamond's arm. "He's talking about me!"

_Maslow spoke next. "Oh please, like you don't sit here and get all sad over Diamond."_

_Henderson shrugged. "It's true. I may have a little thing for Diamond myself."_

"Oh my god!" Diamond squealed, sitting up straight with eyes wide. Face lit up, he asked, "Did you hear that, Logan? Did you hear that? Rewind that!"

Amused, Mitchell did. When Diamond got excited all over again, Mitchell smirked, "Pathetic."

"You shut your mouth! He has a thing for me, he said it! He said it!"

They watched as Henderson continued.

"_You might as well know now that we fucked. I can just imagine you getting all judgmental over there but you said it yourself—I'm the outlet for your sexual aggression. He's not shy about sex. It was bound to happen."_

"_Apparently the first night they met, too," Maslow added. "They don't waste any time."_

"_Our time is short," Henderson pointed out. "Oh. By the way, Mitchell, in case you haven't figured it out, Maslow's aware now. He said he was just about to open up to you when you disappeared and I came into the picture."_

Mitchell's eyes narrowed.

"_It's true," Maslow nodded, leaning forward. "We were sitting at the diner, remember? And we kept talking about Henderson and you were so accepting of everything, like it was no big deal, and I realized then that my suspicions were right. I'd been reading about DID but not a whole lot, because honestly it scared the shit out of me. I thought I had this whole thing figured out. And then I met Henderson and started reading more, because...well. It was getting harder and harder to argue that I was suffering the same thing. I basically had accepted it and was trying to figure out how to say it, and then you were gone. Henderson was there and I just...I lost it. So I'm sorry I didn't talk to you first, I had every intention of doing that. You're the one who can help me best anyway. No offense, dude," he said to Henderson._

Biting his lip, Mitchell felt a little better. He had indeed been a bit hurt that Maslow had confided in Henderson before him. Then again, he got Diamond to break first, and who could've foreseen that?

"_It's cool," Henderson was saying now. "The genius knows more, I don't argue that. But we're going to read up more tonight, Maslow found your bookmarks for those sites dedicated to MPD. I'm sure you would appreciate that we're studying. Oh! Speaking of bookmarks, what the fuck is this shit about you thinking I need to study up on safe sex? Dude, do you really think I'm that stupid? I don't want any diseases, I don't want to get any chicks pregnant."_

"_Relax," Maslow chuckled, a hand reaching down to pat Henderson's thigh. "He's just looking out for you."_

"_For himself, you mean."_

"Why is he touching him?" Diamond said through clenched teeth. "Logan, why is James touching him?"

"Calm down," Logan soothed, though he had to admit he didn't like the sight much either. _I kissed Diamond. A few times. I have no right to be jealous. _

_Henderson moved on. "Look, Mitchell, I know the basics about safe sex. Probably more than you, Mr. Virgin. And do you really think I'd go rob a bank? Come on, buddy. I know we don't know each other that well, but I'm not a bad person. Maslow, tell him."_

"_He's not a bad person," Maslow said patiently. "He's just...different. I don't know how else to describe him. But he's not a criminal and he's not a...well, he may be a slut. I don't really know. Maybe he'll stick to Diamond now, he seems to like him a lot."_

Diamond suddenly gasped next to Mitchell. "Stick to Diamond, yes! Stick to Diamond!"

"_Diamond's probably a slut, too," Henderson pointed out, leaning back in the chair with a sigh._ _"We're two of a kind on that. And if he wants to go out and fuck other guys, there's not a lot I can say."_

"_So it wouldn't bother you at all?" Maslow asked, arms crossed over his chest. It was obvious he didn't believe that for a second._

"_I have no claim on him," Henderson replied._

"_He's totally lying," Maslow said to the camera. "I know him well enough to say that now. If he had his way, he'd sleep with Diamond every night."_

A loud, high-pitched squeal pierced Logan's eardrum as Diamond erupted. He turned to Logan and shook him suddenly. "You're in there, I know you're in there, why won't you come out? Talk to me, I need to kiss you right now, where are you? Logan, make him come out!"

Head bobbing back and forth, Logan placed his hands on James' arms and pushed them away. "Easy, easy. My head's attached and I'd like to keep it that way. I can't make him come out whenever you ask, I'm sorry."

"But I have to tell him, he needs to know! Henderson, I know you can hear me! I want to sleep with you every night, too! Just come out, I miss you!"

"Quit yelling at me. And you say I'm pathetic. Can we finish this video now?"

"Fine," James answered with a long-suffering sigh. "Rewind it to the part where James says Henderson would sleep with me. I want to hear his answer."

Logan did, and they watched Henderson speak again.

"_Of course I would, he's amazing. If you two could see him when he's...well, never mind. Neither of you ever will, so it doesn't matter. But hey, Mitchell, I asked them to move in. Well, Maslow, anyway. He wants to. Work on Diamond, we need to get him in on this. Because with my luck we'd move Maslow in, then Diamond would be like 'Fuck that, I'm going home.' And then Maslow would wake up and be like 'No, fuck you, I'm going back to Logan's.' And it would be this big mess, us spending every day for the rest of our lives moving them back and forth."_

Both were stunned, turning to stare at each other. They wanted James to move in?

"_So if you get to Diamond before I do," Henderson said, "tell him I want him to move in. I uh..." Henderson suddenly went uncharacteristically quiet, continuing in a soft voice as he looked down. "I don't think he'd believe it, but tell him that anyway."_

"_Why wouldn't he?" Maslow wondered. _

"_He has this idea I was just being nice because...I don't even know why. But he didn't believe it, so...hopefully soon I'll have the chance to tell him otherwise."_

Mitchell paused the video. "Do you believe it?" he asked. "He's telling the truth. I know him well enough to say that."

"I want to believe it," James replied, hope in his eyes. "Nobody's ever wanted me before. Cared like he does. Why does he care, we hardly know each other."

"That's like asking why Maslow and I have such strong feelings for each other. I don't know why. Maybe because for the first time, we recognize ourselves in someone else? Someone who can relate?"

"Maybe. Play it again, I want to hear him talk about me some more."

_Henderson continued with, "He ran away when we talked about it, turned into Maslow. It's weird how he thinks he's God's gift to the world, but when he's shown actual affection he can't handle it."_

"_Dude is fucked up," Maslow agreed, then laughed at himself. "I'm talking about me, here. Now that's fucked up."_

"Oh, you did not just call me 'fucked-up'," Diamond said in a low voice. He stood up, swiftly extricating himself from the chair. "Where's the mirror? Get me a damn mirror! I will not be insulted by that asshole!"

He stalked out of the room, Logan rising to follow in excitement. Was he going to witness this?

James was standing before the bathroom mirror, focusing intently on his reflection. Logan waited, heart pounding hard as he watched.

Suddenly James deflated. "I can't do this."

"Why not? You don't remember how?"

"I do, I just...I can't let him out."

"I told you, he comes out-"

"I don't care!" James roared, spinning to face Logan. "I'm not going to allow it. If I can control it, I will."

"Fine. Stop yelling at me."

He looked away, gaze not settling anywhere but traveling over the shower curtain and the wall, before facing Logan again. "I'm sorry."

"It's...okay. I know you're upset. This has been quite a day for you."

"You have no idea."

"Actually, I do," Logan smiled. James graced him with a wan smile of his own, and Logan lifted his arm to drape over James' shoulders and lead him out of the bathroom. "Come on. Back to our boys."

Once they were settled, Logan found their place again.

"_So anyway," Henderson said, chewing on his bottom lip before going on. "Maslow's cool with everything. He watched your video with me and he wants to move in, and so now it's your turn to talk to Diamond and convince him. I know he's not your favorite person, but I care about him. You said yourself you wanted to help him. Get him here."_

"I'm here," Diamond whispered at the face on the screen.

"_Henderson needs him," Maslow said with a smirk._

"_I don't need him. You need Mitchell."_

"_Shut up! I happen to like him a lot, okay?"_

"_Oh, really? I believe I heard the 'L' word mentioned earlier."_

"_I never said a word about lesbians," Maslow replied smoothly._

"_Lesbi-" Henderson cracked up as he got it, shoving Maslow lightly. "You're a dork."_

"_You're spilling all my secrets. I demand a redo of this video."_

"_Hell, no. There's no shame in admitting you're falling for Mitchell."_

"_There's no shame in admitting you're falling for Diamond."_

"_But Diamond won't ever see this video, so ha!" Henderson actually stuck his tongue out at Maslow, who rolled his eyes._

"_Really, dude? What are you, twelve? And don't forget, we're making a video for Diamond next. Wait til you see what I spill then."_

"_I'll deny everything."_

"_Your eyes can't hide the truth, Henderson. You just wait."_

"_Whatever."_

Diamond and Mitchell stared in awe at the bickering couple before them. Mitchell couldn't believe how quickly they'd bonded, Diamond was shocked at the fact that they had both confirmed they were falling in love.

"They're ridiculous," Logan finally said.

"Totally," James agreed. "I love him so much."

Logan nodded, once again rewinding, and once again it was Henderson who spoke next.

"_Oh, Logan! Wow, it feels weird to call you that. Yeah, sticking with Mitchell from now on. So we had this idea, we're going to text each other the moment we wake up from the blackout. Like...let's say right now I'm Henderson and I go into hiding. You pop up and immediately text James, let him know you're in control. He'll reply right away and tell you which one he is. That way we can all kind of keep up. Of course Diamond won't text us back, not until we get through to him, but we can still text him to let him know."_

"_If he even cares," Maslow said. "But I think he will. At least I hope."_

"_I hope so, too. So Mitchell, does that work? It would make things easier for us to know what we're dealing with and when. That way you and Maslow can plan a romantic dinner. I'm going to teach him how to cook spaghetti and fajitas so he can-"_

"_Henderson, shut up!" Maslow leaned away to punch him in the arm. "Just shut up already!"_

"_He's embarrassed now, but he talked about it earlier. He wants a romantic date with you."_

"_I did not say that! Logan, I did not say that! I said we can't ever really plan anything like that because of our situation. Henderson, I cannot fucking wait for Diamond's video. You are going down. I'm gonna tell him you called him a little bitch."_

Diamond gasped, a little whine escaping him after.

"_You wouldn't," Henderson said to Maslow._

"_Keep it up, see what happens."_

_Henderson fumed next to Maslow, obviously making plans to get even later._

"I'll be your little bitch," Diamond said softly, lifting a middle finger to Mitchell when he opened his mouth to say something. Mitchell remained silent, but only barely as he was holding in giggles.

"_Look," Maslow finally said to the camera. "The truth is...yeah. We agreed to be friends. But then you kissed me again and...I don't know that I can be just friends with you. I-" He shut his mouth, then turned to Henderson. "Would you mind if I had a moment alone here? I'll give you the same with Diamond."_

"_Sure, dude. It's all good." Henderson stood up, patting Maslow on the back. He leaned down to speak to the camera again. "Mitchell, I'm serious. Get Diamond to move in here. I don't care what you have to do. He's not happy where he lives now, and there's something with his mother. He doesn't trust her. He doesn't trust doctors. He's not happy. Just...maybe he'll trust you more. Please. I did everything you asked, except for your homework. Do this for me. Later, buddy."_

_Maslow watched Henderson walk out of the bedroom. "Logan," he said to the camera, "he really does miss Diamond like crazy. I don't know exactly what went on between them, though of course there was sex. I don't think he got to say goodbye, and it's haunting him. If there's any way you can get Diamond to agree to this, it would make Henderson happy."_

"Yes," Diamond said urgently to his counterpart on the screen. "Yes yes yes! Logan, let me move in here!"

Logan was too focused on Maslow to care much what Diamond was saying, though. He was glued to the beautiful man he never got enough time with.

"_As much as we argue, I like Henderson. I want to see him happy. And even better, you and I would live together. Imagine that, huh? I wake up as myself and knock on your bedroom door at night? Wouldn't that be a welcome sight? Huh?" Raising his eyebrows suggestively, he then laughed at himself, shaking his head. _

"Yes," Logan whispered. "So welcome."

"_I hope it would, anyway. I was saying before that I don't know if I can just be friends with you, but if that's what you want, I'm cool with it. I'll try. Anything you want, I just miss you. He's not you, Logan. I don't know what it is about you, maybe just that you accepted me for the freak I am, from that first night you-"_

_Maslow's face went into shock. "You knew me. That night we met, you knew me! The meeting, I was there, wasn't I? Diamond was there. You...wow. You totally played me. Okay. Not sure how I feel about that. Um. Wow. I guess there's not a whole lot more to say. I'll catch you when I catch you."_

Just like that, the video ended. Logan's stomach cramped in dread. "No. No no no."

Diamond pursed his lips. "Ouch. I think he's pissed."

"God, I screwed up already. It's not fair, we need to talk about this!"

This time it was Logan who grabbed Diamond by the shoulders and shook him. "We need to talk about this! Maslow! Can you hear me?" He stood and dragged James up with him. "Talk to the mirror. Make him come out!"

"No! If I can't talk to Henderson, you can't talk to Maslow! You just have to wait your turn like I do."

"Fuck! He hates me, I screwed up. He wasn't ready, though. He wasn't! Diamond, make him understand!"

"What do you want me to do? He can't hear me."

"You can do the mirror thing, I don't know. Just help me here."

"Sorry, buddy. I'm not going to be your moderator. You just have to wait."

"It's not fair!"

"Nope. It really sucks."

Dropping heavily into the chair again, Logan rested his head on his folded arms. "He hates me."

"Didn't you say there were two videos?" James settled onto his chair again, closing the window and clicking on the video marked "For Diamond." "Here. This was filmed later. We'll see if he was still pissed. The guy's too nice to hold a grudge, trust me."

"How do you know?"

With a sad smile, Diamond answered, "He used to be my best friend, remember?"

There were a lot of questions Logan wanted to ask, but more pressing in his mind was Maslow. He needed to know that he and Maslow were still okay. Sitting up, he commanded, "Play it."

_Henderson was wearing the backwards hat this time, probably knowing it would help convince Diamond of his identity. Next to Henderson sat Diamond's worst nightmare, the friend he thought he'd banished years ago._

_They both looked nervous. Henderson spoke first, starting with, "What's up, Diamond? Long time no see. I guess I actually saw you last night, but it feels like it's been forever. I really wanted to say goodbye. I wish you'd stuck around longer. What we shared was fucking amazing, but that isn't all I wanted from you. I know you didn't want to talk, and I get why, I mean, it's a scary thing we're dealing with here, but you have to. You can't hide from this—from him-" Henderson gestured toward the man sitting next to him, "-forever." _

_Maslow lifted his hand in a half-hearted wave. _

"_This is James Maslow," Henderson said. "I met him after I met you. You disappeared after we had sex, came out of the bathroom as this guy. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's true. I was there. And having fucked you, I can say with certainty that this guy is you, at least physically. He's got that delicious mole on his neck, and look here. See that? That's the hickey I gave you. I hope you come back soon, because I'd love to give you another one to match."_

Diamond couldn't decide whether to be sick or lovesick; the two men brought about opposite feelings in him.

_Maslow looked like he was about to say something, but Henderson held up a hand. "Save it."_

_Shrugging, Maslow leaned back into his chair. "I was just going to say that I would prefer you not mark his skin with bruises. He's a struggling actor, needs to be ready for anything."_

"_Is he?" Henderson said in surprise, turning to face Maslow. "So am I. How's that going for him?"_

"_Not well," was all Maslow said about it. "But this isn't something Diamond cares about, I'm sure. He's probably freaking out. Dude, I know you hate me. I know you never wanted to see me again."_

Logan knew then he'd been correct—Maslow had been aware of Diamond for a long time, possibly years. _I'm not the only one who knew more than I let on. You can't be mad at me._

"_I'm here for you, though," Maslow continued. "I always have been. I don't know what Mom's been telling you, but Mom's a bitch anyway, so I don't trust a word out of her mouth."_

"_Seriously?" Henderson asked in awe. "Your own mom?"_

"_She can't stand me. Probably not him, either, the way she talks. We're a bother to her, a distraction. I'm sure Diamond would back me up on that."_

Pausing the video, Logan checked to see how Diamond was reacting to all of this. It was obvious he didn't want to hear this, would like nothing better than to walk out of the room and never look back. He stayed, though, and that said something. He kept staring at the frozen image of Maslow on the screen, emotion heavy on his face.

"You miss him, don't you?" Mitchell asked quietly.

"He's the only friend I've ever had," James replied. "He um. He took care of me."

"He'll do that again if you let him."

Not wanting to address that, Diamond reached out to restart the video.

"_At least our mom's cool," Henderson commented. "I mean, I remember her wanting to pull her hair out sometimes when I lived with her, but now when she visits she's sweet. I just realized she never told me about myself. She would show up and be kind of hesitant for a minute, and then she'd be cool. I guess she was figuring out which one of us she was dealing with. But she never made me feel like a hassle. I wonder if Mitchell told her about me, that I know everything now. I should call her."_

"_You should," Maslow agreed. "Be grateful you have a mom who cares. Diamond, why haven't we moved out yet? I want to, I've wanted to for months now. Why are we still there?"_

_They both stared into the camera as if the answer would be forthcoming, but of course they only saw themselves. _

"_I want to move out," Maslow repeated. "Henderson wants us to live here, we don't know yet about Mitchell. We just made a video asking him, so we'll see what he says. And I don't even know if you're going to finish watching this, you might've already turned it off, but if you're still around, we decided we're going to text each other after each transition. When you wake up from a blackout-I know you have those, don't even try to deny it-text Logan. Let him know you're back. He'll answer you, no matter which one he is, and we can work with each other that way."_

"_Unless, of course, you're living here," Henderson added, twisting the chair back and forth slowly. "Then you can just come in my room and wake me up, sexy. I'm sure you can find a unique way to let me know you're here," he smirked._

_"You're such a perv," Maslow commented._

"_Shut up, you were screaming my name last night. Well...not you, but Diamond. You," he said to the camera, "are fucking insane. You loved every second of it, you were blown away when it was done, and I want more of that. So please, Diamond, come live with me. I hate sleeping alone. And I know you think I was just pretending to be nice, but I like you. I want to get to know you better. If you accept this, we can talk about it. We can be friends. We can be whatever you want us to be, just don't run away from me. This guy's okay, he's nice and all, but he's not you. When you get scared or uncomfortable, you let this guy take over. I want to enjoy my time with you without worrying I'll scare you away."_

"I don't care what you say, Mitchell," Diamond suddenly stated. "I'm moving in."

Maslow interrupted before Mitchell could respond, arms crossed over his chest. _"I happen to like taking over. I don't get enough of it."_

"_Join the club," Henderson replied. "We're lucky we've been awake this long."_

"_I know, what has it been? Hours? Sometimes it only lasts a little bit, like thirty minutes. I love nights like this one, where I'm...huh."_

"_What?"_

"_I just realized. I'm hardly ever around at night. It's usually during the day. I wonder why that is."_

"_Maybe that's when Diamond needs you most. What purpose do you serve him?"_

"_Not much now," Maslow replied. "Obviously he doesn't need me to hook up with anyone, like Mitchell needs you. I get tired of being hit on by every chick and dude that walks by, though."_

"_I bet he loves it. You love it, don't you, Diamond? I'd like to know more about your sexual habits. You mentioned being with a few guys. Is that like...an ongoing thing? Do you go out a lot and hook up?"_

_Maslow leaned forward. "He's asking because he has the hots for you. Doesn't want to share you."_

This time Logan was ready for the high-pitched squeal that came from his left. "I'm yours, I don't want anybody else! Just hurry up and come get me already!"

When Diamond faced him, Mitchell held his hands up as if to ward off an attack. "Don't start shaking me again. He can't hear you."

"Whatever." Attention returning to the laptop, James was beaming as he listened to Henderson's next words.

"_I didn't say that! Yes, I want him, he obviously knows that, but I'm not out to cramp his style. Diamond, do what you want with your life. If you need a lot of partners, I won't stand in your way. But be safe about it, okay? Do me that courtesy."_

"_Now you sound like Mitchell."_

"_You be quiet over there. Just let me have my say. In fact, leave us. I gave you time, you said you'd do the same."_

"_Fine," Maslow sighed. "Diamond, I know you hate me. I don't blame you, I'm not too thrilled about all this myself. But I think with Henderson and Mitchell, we can maybe get through this without a lot of pain. They really do want to help us, and Mitchell's really smart. He knows everything there is about this, and what he doesn't he can learn and teach us all. I know you don't like him, but give him a chance. And don't be an asshole to him, he means a lot to me. Think about the move, dude. Please. We can all help each other out if you let us."_

"I mean a lot to him," Logan murmured. "Thank God. He still wants me."

Diamond shushed him, waving a hand in dismissal. "He's about to talk to me, be quiet."

_Standing, Maslow squeezed Henderson's shoulder. "Let me know when you're done. Hopefully I'll still be me, and we can research."_

"_You got it, buddy." He reached up to grab Maslow's hand, then turned back to the screen when he was alone. After staring down at the keyboard for a few moments, he looked up again. "Hey," he said softly. "I know you don't believe this, but I miss you. We only had a few hours together, and we hardly talked at all during that, and I know you think I just want you for a fuck. I won't lie, I want you for a fuck. But I want more, too."_

Here Diamond let out a needy sound, fingers digging into the desk.

"_I'm not exactly sure what I want, but I know I'd like to be your friend, if you let me. You need one of those, you know. We all do. I know you don't trust me, and I can't make you, but...I don't even know what to say. I just miss you and feel like we were cheated. I've spent all this time with Maslow tonight, but what I really want is you. Just...don't be scared. Come find me. And since I'm not around much, use Mitchell. I hate to say that, because I want to be the one you confide in, but I can't be there all the time. Make me a video like this. Just talk to me, show me you think about me once in a while. And if you don't...well." Henderson blinked rapidly, looking away. "I'll deal with it. Life goes on. One step at a time."_

_Getting his feelings under control, Henderson stared forward again. "Take that next step, Diamond. Please. It's the only way I'll ever see you again. Come back to me."_

XXXXX


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Massive author's notes for this one:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

**NOTE:** At the suggestion of **waterwicca**, I decided to use italics for any words/actions related to what's happening on video. It's not so bad when there's one person watching a video, but when you add more people to it, it tends to get a little confusing. So from this point forward, anything in italics while there's a video playing is what's happening on the video the characters are watching.

I only used **Aranelle** as a beta for this one, mostly because I kept forgetting to send it to **waterwicca** and **jdmazz**. I will correct that in future chapters.

And I've fallen very far behind on replying to reviews. Working on that, a little each day. Thanks for being patient, I really do love reading all of them. :)

* * *

Though Diamond begged and pleaded and shook Mitchell some more, Henderson did not appear. Thinking he could kill two birds with one stone, Mitchell suggested Diamond teach him how to talk to Henderson in the mirror, but Diamond put his foot down about that. He wasn't willing to take the chance of losing control forever.

"Then you suffer," Mitchell said simply. "Would it make you feel better to talk to Henderson on video? You want to do that?"

It wasn't really what he wanted, but it was the best he could do. "I guess," he pouted, mouth curving down. "I don't know what to say."

"Just say whatever you would if he was here now. If you want me to leave, I will."

"No, it's okay, I...well yeah. Maybe." James scratched his head as if confused, then nodded. "Yeah. I need time alone with him."

"It's fine, you don't need to explain yourself to me. I'll want time alone for Maslow, too. Let me just get you set up here and then I'll go work on my project for class, okay?"

James nodded again, watching Logan as he opened the program to record. "Why are you being so nice to me?" he demanded suddenly. "You're normally a jerk."

"No, it's _you_who is normally a jerk. I only get rude with you when I have to defend myself. Which is all the time."

Diamond thought that over, leaning sideways in the chair to accommodate Mitchell. "I don't mean to be a jerk."

"Yes, you do, but it's because you feel threatened. Just know that I'm one of the good guys, okay? I know exactly what you're going through." Settling a hand on each shoulder from behind, Logan squeezed. "I'll be in the living room."

"Thanks." James offered a hesitant smile, Logan returning it with a friendly one of his own.

"I'm gonna tell him we're moving in!" James yelled after Logan walked out.

"I never said yes! Let me think about it!"

"It's happening!" Rubbing his hands together, James stared at the screen and gathered his thoughts. The knowledge that Maslow was close was always there lately, the fear that his time was short and his former best friend would like nothing better than to get rid of him the way _he'd_ gotten rid of _him_.

"What would I say to you if you were right here? I'd probably attack you like I did last night. Fuck, that was amazing."

Pressing record on the laptop, James opened his mouth to speak but then gasped. "I look like shit! I can't do this right now. Logan!" he yelled, stopping the recording and jumping up to run out.

"What's wrong?" Logan stood up from the couch after setting aside a notebook and pen.

"Look at me! You have to tell me these things, I can't go around looking like shit in front of my boyfriend!"

Every word was ridiculous, Logan amused but focusing on the last word. "Boyfriend? Is that what he's been upgraded to?"

"Of course! You heard Maslow, Henderson wants me to only be with him."

"And you actually trust Maslow? I thought he was out to get you."

Diamond shrugged, not willing to admit that maybe he was a little ridiculous about Maslow.

Logan let it pass, instead asking, "But is that what _you_want? You two have hardly spent any time together."

"You think I'm stupid enough to walk away from that? Have you seen him?"

More than amused now, Logan chuckled. "Many times, yes. And thank you for the compliment."

"Dude, that was not about you. He's got something...I don't know how to explain it."

Mitchell wasn't really offended, understanding completely the difference between Maslow and Diamond. "I know. But we do look the same."

"Yes. You kiss differently, though."

Nodding, Logan agreed. "So do you guys."

"I've had more practice. I'm better at it."

"That's up for debate, and how do you even know?"

That gave James pause. "I guess I really don't."

"Exactly. Now what do you need me for?"

"I didn't bring anything with me. I need your comb and whatever crap you use. Mousse, gel, whatever."

"James, you combed your hair after the shower. You look fine. More than fine, actually. The relaxed look suits you."

James lifted an eyebrow, arms crossing over his chest. "For once I'm not going to mention that you think I'm hot, because _I'm_the focus right now. Where's your hair stuff?"

"In the cupboard under the sink. Don't make a mess."

It was fifteen minutes before James was satisfied, coming out of the bathroom to the sight of Logan making notes again. "Well? Will he find me irresistible?"

Logan glanced up, mind still on the column he was filling out, but all thoughts flew out of his head along with the air in his lungs. James had affected a new look, more sophisticated with his bangs swept off his forehead in a style that hinted of an after-sex moment. It was as if he'd run a hand through sweaty hair and it had stayed that way, for some reason making Logan think of Maslow.

"You're not saying anything. Is that bad? I thought this might make me look older."

"It uh...it...um..." Logan struggled to find words.

"Is that a good kind of at-a-loss-for-words? Are you really turned on right now? If you are, that's definitely good because he will be. I think. Maybe." James frowned, head bowing as he considered it.

"It's um...wow. Yeah. He'll love it."

"Cool. Okay. I'm ready. I'm gonna-" His speech halted when he caught sight of his last name on the project Logan was working on. "What are you writing?"

"Nothing." Hiding the notebook against his chest, Logan added. "You should go-"

"Give me that!"

"No!"

Logan tried to hold it tight, but James ambushed him with a surprise tickle attack that was successful. "Stop!" Logan yelled.

It was too late, though. James studied the page, which had the word "Maslow" on one side and "Diamond" on the other. There was a line down the middle, and under each name was a column of phrases. Diamond noted that under his name were things like "might sneak into room at night" and "will expect me to cook for him all the time." Under Maslow's name it was "might kiss me goodnight, maybe even hold me" and "would probably help with housework." Under both columns was "very nice to look at."

James smirked at Logan, whose face was like a tomato. "Really, Logan? You're making a list?"

"It helps me, okay? I'm trying to decide if it's a good idea or not to let you move in. Weighing the pros and cons."

"Why is it everything in my column is a bad thing?"

"Not everything is," Logan corrected. "I mentioned that I could help you better if you lived here, see?" Logan reached over to point that out.

"That's in his column, too, so it doesn't count. Do you really think I'll take over the whole bathroom?" James questioned as his eyes skimmed the list.

"Yes," Logan answered without hesitation.

"I'll try to be nice about it." Moving to kneel on the couch next to Logan, James tossed the notebook aside and gripped his arm with both hands. "Please. I won't be in your way."

"Yes, you will."

"I'll clean up after myself. I'll um...I'll redecorate."

"You're not helping your case."

"I'll hold you," he said softly, the idea a bit terrifying to him but he pressed on anyway. "I'm not him, but I have the same arms. You can pretend he's me, I won't mind."

Every shred of Logan's resistance crumbled with those simple words. He couldn't stand it when James assumed he was unwanted. "We'll talk about that later, okay? Would your mom let you?"

"She doesn't have a choice. I'm an adult. It's my life."

"Go," Logan urged gently, pushing James to stand. "Go talk to Henderson. Give me a moment's peace to work this out."

"Okay. Does my hair still look great?"

"Yes, James," Logan smiled. "It looks incredibly sexy."

"_Yes!_Thank you!"

Logan chuckled watching Diamond run out of the room, but it quickly turned into a resigned sigh. What was he getting himself into?

* * *

Diamond sat before the laptop, nervous in a way he'd never been. Auditions scared him, sometimes so much he would black out before them and come to hours later with no memory of the process or the aftermath. Now he understood why that happened, understood that Maslow somehow got him through the terrifying moments, but he still didn't like to think about it or the fact that he apparently had to rely on someone else to get him through the hard times. And if Maslow got him through, why were there never any callbacks? Was Maslow getting those, too? Was Maslow living his dream for him? Or was Maslow a horrible actor?

None of that mattered right now, though, James shoving the thoughts out of his head in order to focus on what_ did_matter-Henderson. He didn't know what it was about the guy, why he felt so drawn to him. Sure, the flirty smile and twinkling brown eyes were hard to resist, probably for anyone with half a brain (and James liked to think he possessed at least three-quarters, thank you very much), but it was more than that. Maybe it was the way Henderson made him feel. Maybe it was the touch, which was rough in a way James craved while at the same time reassuring him he was safe, that Henderson had his back. Part of it was definitely the way Henderson fucked him, knowing exactly what he needed and not holding back.

But then there was the cuddling the night before. It had been brief, because he'd fallen asleep too quickly to really enjoy it, but Henderson had pulled him in close and kissed his hair and spoke in a soft voice full of tenderness, had even called him adorable. Nobody had ever found him adorable before. Henderson knew he could be a dick, had witnessed the asshole, crazy side of him firsthand, and yet he still somehow found James adorable and accepted him. Even better, he cared and truly wanted to help James.

Playing Henderson's video back in his head, he remembered the tone of his voice at the end, the longing Henderson had let shine through that matched James' own. Henderson would apparently be fine with him out fucking anyone in the world, but it didn't seem like his first choice. That worked well, because it wasn't James' first choice, either; James had found someone so perfect he couldn't imagine even wanting anyone else.

He got more comfortable in the sturdy desk chair and then sat up straight before starting the recording. He made sure he was in the frame properly, then did a quick check of his hair, tweaking a piece and glad he'd gone with the mature look. Taking a deep breath, he smiled at the camera and opened his mouth, the few cool lines he'd prepared coming to mind. What came out, though, was a broken, "Hey. I miss you."

* * *

Logan returned to his list of pros and cons once Diamond was gone, studying it and seeing that maybe he had been a bit unfair to Diamond. Was it right to assume that Diamond would do all of these annoying things and have him wanting to pull out his hair every five seconds? Recounting their past meetings, though, Mitchell couldn't feel too badly about it; the fact was that Diamond _did_ make him want to scream. Diamond had the power to push all of his buttons and didn't hesitate to use that power.

"He'll drive you crazy," Logan said to himself, then laughed. He was already crazy.

But the benefits of allowing him to stay here were also to be considered. Not only would he hopefully have Maslow in his life, he would no longer be alone. As Logan had always been a solitary person, loneliness had never been a problem for him. He kept busy constantly with schoolwork and was more than happy to do that, blocking out any desire he might've had for company other than his mother. She had given up encouraging him to make friends or date when he entered high school, knowing it was a lost cause and that he seemed satisfied. It wasn't until he started acting strangely that she suspected this wasn't the case, but Logan himself never expressed a desire for anything more. Now that he'd met Diamond and Maslow, he understood what it was like to be around others like him and that alone, he was only capable of living what consisted of a half-life. Henderson held him back in his goals, but even without Henderson he wasn't living life to the fullest. He was missing what he'd never understood was necessary, friendship and love.

"Why do we have to need that?" he asked quietly. "Why can't humans just be happy without all those messy feelings?"

He remembered Maslow kissing him, then Diamond doing the same. He'd been trying to show Diamond what it was like to kiss someone without the end goal being sex, but he hadn't expected that he'd enjoy it so much himself. The truth was Mitchell hadn't wanted to stop once Diamond's kisses became about more than lust. In that moment he'd been reminded of Maslow, and the ache had been overwhelming. Diamond had asked if they would ever do that again and Logan's answer had been what amounted to a negative, but inside he was already craving more of it. "This is a complication I don't need. Why am I even considering it?"

Because they needed him, both of them. They needed Henderson as well. Somehow these two men who were so different had gotten under his skin, both in different ways but no less intensely. The truth was if Logan didn't live with them, he'd worry about them. He needed to know they were okay.

"Damn," he said with a shake of his head, tossing the notebook aside. There was no other way.

He stood to make his way to the bedroom, watching Diamond for a second before making his presence known. Diamond spoke to Henderson in a softer voice, one he didn't use around anyone else (or so Logan imagined), and he wished Diamond would be that way all the time.

_Then again, that's what Maslow's for._

Diamond sensed him and turned, holding out a hand in invitation. The gesture surprised Mitchell but he went with it, holding Diamond's hand tightly as Diamond asked, "You're not Henderson, are you?"

"No," Mitchell replied. "Are you still doing the video?"

"Yeah, say hi to Henderson." With a grin, James waved at the screen. Mitchell bent down to get into range and smiled.

"Hey, buddy. Hope you're good. I'll make a video for you later, a lot to talk about."

"What's up?" Diamond asked, looking up in question, and after taking a seat Logan informed him that the decision had been made. Maslow and Diamond were welcome in his home.

* * *

He left Diamond alone to finish the video, putting away his notebook and doing some random cleaning in the kitchen to pass the time. What was he going to feed Diamond for lunch? And what if Diamond stayed for dinner, should they go out? He supposed they ought to wait until Diamond had spoken to his mother before making any plans past lunchtime. How soon would Diamond want to move in?"

"Logan!"

The yell came from the bedroom, Logan dropping his dishtowel and listening. "James?"

"Logan, I can't breathe!"

Running to the bedroom, Logan knelt next to James. "What's wrong?" he asked, hands resting on James' legs. "Talk to me."

James' eyes fell closed, only to open a few seconds later. He took in the sight of Logan on his knees, glanced around to figure out where he was, then his gaze returned to Mitchell, whose eyes narrowed.

"Maslow?"

Maslow nodded, unsure who he was speaking to.

"It's me," Logan said softly.

"Hey."

"Hey."

As Maslow was making no move to attack him, Logan kept his distance.

"What happened this time to bring me out?" Maslow asked.

"I don't know. He was making a video for Henderson and suddenly started yelling my name. Said he couldn't breathe. You're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Heart rate's a little high, but if he couldn't breathe, that makes sense. He was probably panicking."

"It's still recording, hang on." Logan reached out to stop the video, lips twisting as he debated the morality of what he was considering. "Think he'd be angry if I watched the video? I just want to see the end, see what caused him to switch over. We need to work on that, you know?"

"Yeah. It's fine, he doesn't need to know you watched it."

Standing to take the chair on Maslow's other side, Logan settled into it and played the video back, skipping to the last minute. Diamond had been discussing what he and Henderson were to each other, trying to explain that he wanted something more than random sexual encounters. He'd become more nervous and uncomfortable with each word, even putting himself down at one point before being hit with a panic attack that led to the switch.

"Wow, he really can't handle feelings at all," Mitchell commented. "I'm working on that."

Maslow shook his head and sighed. "I wish he'd talk to me. He's so fragile."

"He used to, didn't he? In the mirror."

Maslow raised an eyebrow in surprise. "How do you know about that?"

"He told me. We talked a lot today."

"Oh." Biting his lip, Maslow stared at the image of Diamond frozen on the screen. "That's good. He finally admitted it?"

"Yes. Turns out he's known all along, just kept it hidden because he's afraid of ending up in a mental hospital again." Logan watched Maslow closely for a reaction, but he kept his feelings to himself. Maslow seemed to be a pro at that. "When did you start coming back?"

"A while ago," Maslow answered vaguely. "He needed me."

Logan nodded, sensing something deep going on in Maslow' brain and afraid to push, but if he didn't they would never get anywhere. "So you knew about him all along?"

"I knew some things. It's hard to explain."

"James, think about who you're talking to. If anyone understands, it's me."

He chewed on his lip again, debating and still not looking at Logan. "You know, I told Henderson that. That you would understand, because you seemed to know more about this than he does. Now I see that he's able to understand me better than anyone, because he and I are the same. We're the ones who don't actually exist."

Logan tried not to let that hurt, the knowledge that Maslow had bonded so much more with Henderson than him; he failed. "I guess I know what you mean, but you're real to me. As real as Diamond. I mean, what makes up a person anyway? A physical body? You have that. A mind? You've got that as well. I don't consider Henderson a fake person. He's...it's hard to explain. He's part of me, but separate. If I got rid of him, I'd feel like I murdered someone, especially now that we met."

"You're not Diamond, though," Maslow said heavily. "You don't think of Henderson as a threat and want him to go away forever."

That was true enough. "Is that what's bothering you? The fact that he would send you away if he could?"

"He did it once, Logan. Put me in hiding for years."

"How?"

"How?" James repeated.

"Yes. How?"

"Why, are you going to do the same to Henderson?"

"No, James! What did I just say?" Frustrated with both versions of paranoid James, Logan stood up to pace the room. "I want to know how so that he can't do it again." Spinning to face James with hands in his pockets, Logan said, "I don't want to lose you."

The admission surprised Maslow, but it seemed to be what he needed to hear. Hope in his eyes, he said, "I don't want to lose you either. I just found you."

"Then fight him, James. He's scared, terrified of being put away again. I'm making some progress with him, he might actually go see my doctor with me. He's moving in, which will make it easier to keep an eye on him."

"He's moving in?" Maslow echoed, shocked. "He agreed to it?"

"Yes. As soon as Henderson asked, he informed me that it didn't matter what I wanted, you two were moving in. He's desperate to be near Henderson again."

James smiled then, happy for Henderson's sake. "That's great! He worries about that, you know. That Diamond doesn't want anything more than a fuck."

"Well, you saw what just happened on video. Obviously that's not the case. Make sure to tell Henderson that next time you see him."

"I will. For sure. So uh..." Maslow stood up, his own hands in his pockets now as he drew closer to Mitchell. "You're okay with me living here? I made that joke about coming into your room at night but if that would make you uncomfortable-"

"No," Logan interrupted, hands lifting to slide up Maslow's chest. "I wouldn't mind that at all. He came into my room last night and I thought it was you, and...I wanted it to be. So badly."

James melted, dipping his face down for a sweet kiss that deepened slowly as he cupped Logan's head in his hand for a better angle, Logan sinking into it while his fingers curled into James' shirt. It went on for a time, their touches and kisses growing more aggressive, until Logan finally pulled back. "Easy. Too much more of this and Henderson will show up."

James' face fell. "So I was right. You get horny and he shows up."

"I think that's pretty much the pattern, yeah. Last night proved it. He also comes out when I get too stressed, I think. I'm sorry."

"Hey, I didn't want a boyfriend anyway, right?" Maslow joked, but it fell flat with the pain in his expression.

"I can work on it. Maybe we can practice. Go a little further each time."

"I'd love to, but when do we ever have time enough for that? We hardly even have time for conversation. Why are you so afraid of sex anyway?"

"I don't know. I feel like it's more the loss of control than the sex itself. When I'm horny I don't think straight. I have no control over my brain. As I got older the urges got more intense and harder to control, so I stifled them."

"And then Henderson was born."

"Yes." After a pause, Logan mentioned, "You seem to show up often."

"That's only lately, since he met you guys. Before that it was whenever he had an audition or his mom was fighting with him. He can't deal with Mom, she intimidates him."

"She doesn't you?"

"A little, but I stand up to her. She hates it."

"Would she rather he was locked up?"

"No, I don't think she wants that. Partly for the social aspect, she wouldn't want her friends knowing her son is crazy enough for that. It would make her look bad."

Logan suddenly chuckled. "I can't wait for Henderson to meet that woman."

James laughed, picturing it. "We should gang up on her. I wish there was a way we could plan that, to do the move when he and I are both present."

"That would probably be best. Don't be surprised if I move everything around once you're moved in, though."

"Hey, this is your home. You call the shots. We're just taking advantage of your kindness."

"And hopefully cuddling with me at night."

James grinned suddenly. "I can definitely do that. Anytime I'm able to, I will. Did you watch our video? You know to text us when things change?"

"Yes. But if I'm home, I'll just go find you. Or you can find me. Eventually we'll have to get it right, right?"

"Eventually," James agreed. "If we do it enough, we'll meet up at some point. Living together increases our chances."

Logan stared up at James, mind working, then took a seat on his bed before scooting around to lean back against the pillows. He ignored the fact that Diamond had left his bed unmade, deciding they would discuss that later, but for now there was something more important on his mind. He held out his arms in invitation, watching the emotions flit over James' face. "I don't know how long we have, but I'd like to spend the time I do have in your arms."

James crawled onto the bed, shifting them both around until Logan was between his legs and cuddled into his arms. Logan's lips pressed to his neck, James' eyes closing at the soft touch. "I don't have a right to claim you in our situation, but if I was here permanently I'd want you to belong to me."

"I already do," Logan replied quietly, tilting his face up for a kiss. "Tell me how to keep him from sending you away for good."

"Love me," James said simply.

"Love you? How does that work?"

"Because he didn't send me away before. He asked me to leave and I went on my own. I stopped fighting him."

"You...you had control?" Logan asked in awe, leaning away to stare at James.

"I don't know how much I had, but yeah. I knew when he needed me. I suspected he could hear me but didn't want to. When he begged me to leave, told me he would be stuck in the mental place until I did, I left. I stayed away. The only friend I had didn't want me anymore, so I...just left."

"But where did you go? Where were you hiding all that time? Were you conscious?"

"I don't think so. There's no sense of time, so it didn't feel like hiding to me. You know what I mean, right? When he's in control, you don't really have a sense of time passing. You don't even know you're asleep."

"But you did. You must have."

"It's a blur. Or a void, maybe. I only know that one day he called me, needed me. And I was there. I've been back ever since."

"James..." Letting that sink in, Logan asked, "How does he call you? How does he tell you when he needs you?"

"You'll have to ask him."

"I have. He won't tell me. He's afraid you'll take over permanently."

"I know he is."

"But you won't, right? Could you if you tried?"

"I honestly don't know," James answered. "He'd fight his way back eventually, I'm sure. He's a strong person, he just needs help coping sometimes."

"But you won't go away again? You'll stay?"

James nodded, pressing his lips to Logan's.

"Promise?"

"Promise. Now I have something to fight for."

Logan's breath stopped when he realized Maslow was talking about him. He got onto his knees to face James fully, kissing him deeply while James returned the gesture. "Don't go anywhere," James warned when their hands started roaming. "Stay with me."

"Working on it," Logan breathed. "Just go slow."

That didn't last long, though, because soon enough Logan's hand was running up James' thigh. "Logan," James managed. "Don't push it."

"I don't want to stop, I want this to work. We don't get a lot of time to practice."

"I know, I want it too, just...stop when you need to."

"I will." He hesitantly ran fingers over the bulge in Maslow's jeans, Maslow's breath catching.

"Logan...I can't..." The fingers became a palm, rubbing over him in a way that pulled forth a whine, and then Maslow had Logan on his back, hips thrusting forward. "I have no control with you," he muttered.

Logan hissed, bucking up into Maslow, and suddenly Maslow was the one on his back while a hand worked at his jeans. He moaned, mind a fog of sensation once Logan had a hand inside his boxers stroking him. "Logan, fuck!"

"Trying to, let me get these clothes off."

James moaned again, his body automatically craving what it needed. He prayed Diamond would stay away, would let him have this before Mitchell switched over, because Mitchell didn't seem about to stop. Maybe this time he wouldn't, maybe this time-

And then it hit him. It had already happened. Why else would Logan be attacking him so freely? Why else would Logan be reaching under the mattress for things Mitchell probably didn't even know were there? "Logan," he started, then corrected himself. "Henderson-"

"Shh, I got you. Just relax."

"No, it's-"

A mouth sliding down between his legs cut off all talk, James gasping in shock before instinctively bucking up into it. "Fuck! Logan! Stop, stop, just...oh fuck, that's fucking amazing but you have to-"

Fingers slid inside to stretch him, knowing exactly where to rub, and Maslow hollered, his entire body jerking. He'd been fucked, more times than he cared to think about, but never had it been by someone who was considerate of his own pleasure. "Oh my god fuck Henderson wait, just..." Another perfect rub, a deep suck from a mouth that knew exactly what it was doing, and with a loud moan James exploded, unable to find an ounce of control anywhere in his being. "Oh my god," he whined, panting while Henderson suddenly moved closer between his legs, and where had Henderson's pants disappeared to? "Logan. Logan, wait, please...I can't even think straight."

"You don't need to think for this," Henderson smirked, and when James shook his head, mind still too blown to function properly, Henderson hesitated. "Oh shit. Oh shit, you're not...oh shit." A look of horror crossed his features when Maslow confirmed it with a nod. "Fuck!" he yelled, and then he was gone in a flash, Maslow alone in the bedroom and feeling as if he'd just lost his best friend all over again.

XXX


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Massive author's notes for this one:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

**NOTE:** At the suggestion of **waterwicca**, I decided to use italics for any words/actions related to what's happening on video. It's not so bad when there's one person watching a video, but when you add more people to it, it tends to get a little confusing. So from this point forward, anything in italics while there's a video playing is what's happening on the video the characters are watching.

Thank you **Aranelle** and **waterwicca** for their suggestions and feedback. It cuts down on the confusion when dealing with two versions of the same two people.

And I've fallen very far behind on replying to reviews. Working on that, a little each day. Thanks for being patient, I really do love reading all of them. :)

* * *

Henderson was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands, rubbing one over his forehead occasionally. He'd picked up his pants on the way out, and when Maslow joined him they were both fully clothed.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, still not looking up. "I didn't know, I swear."

"I know," Maslow replied, hands rubbing together nervously. "I didn't either at first, you switched over and by the time I realized..."

"Since we were in the middle of making out, I assumed you were Diamond. If I'd been thinking, I would've realized the two of them wouldn't be kissing like that."

"Yeah." Lowering himself next to Henderson, Maslow let out a breath. "He still can't handle sexual feelings. We were uh...practicing, kind of."

"Practicing?" Logan laughed. "I'm sorry, it's not funny."

"No, it's funny. You can laugh. I'm not sure how far we got before you showed up."

"Uh...I came to with my hand on your dick. Apparently he managed that much."

"I figured it out when you pinned me to the bed, I think. Mitchell wouldn't do that."

"And you tried to stop me, I'm sorry. I remember you saying you have no control with me, and then you started trying to stop me and I wanted you to lose that control. Diamond, I mean. I wanted _him_to lose control."

"Yeah."

"I can't do much else for him, so I wanted to give him that. If I can't be anything more than a fuck, I'll be the best fuck he's ever had."

James slid an arm over Henderson's shoulder, hugging him close. "He made you a video. You should go watch it."

"Do I want to?"

"I think you do. He's accepted me and wants us to move in. Mitchell agreed."

"What?" Eyes wide and a huge grin on his face, Henderson sat up straight to face Maslow. "He's moving in? They went for it?"

"I guess they talked a lot today. Somehow Mitchell got through to him."

"Really." Henderson commented after a pause. "I had hoped it would be me."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Oh, well. I guess what matters is he accepted it. What happens next?"

"I guess we move in? We start fighting for our time instead of letting them dictate it?"

"Can we do that? Did you talk to Mitchell about open communication?"

"No, but I'm pretty sure Diamond can hear me if I want him to. The problem is he _doesn't_want to because he's afraid I won't leave."

Logan studied Maslow, head cocked to the side. "Can you hear him?"

"I...wow. I never thought of that. How would I even know?"

"Listen, maybe?"

Maslow blinked. Could it be that simple?

"Close your eyes. Block everything out. Can you hear him?"

Maslow tried, finally shaking his head after a minute. "Nothing. Maybe if I try the mirror?"

"The mirror?"

"Yeah, that's how we started talking in the beginning. When we were kids. Hold on."

James rose from the couch to move toward the bathroom, Logan following and watching as James stared at his reflection. There was silence for a bit, and then James opened his mouth. "I know you can hear me."

Logan leaned forward, heart beating hard in anticipation.

"James. I know you're there. Talk to me."

Nothing. They waited, Logan afraid to break Maslow's concentration.

"How the fuck did he do this? Is there some trick?"

"Piss him off," Henderson suggested with a smirk. "Tell him you'll eat all his jelly donuts if he doesn't answer."

James laughed, then turned serious. "I've got something better." Facing the mirror again, he looked into his own eyes and said, "Henderson's about to kiss me. He thinks I'm you. Better get out here and claim your-"

The words cut off, James staring around in outrage. "Don't you dare kiss-oh. Logan. Hi."

Henderson was speechless other than a soft "Holy shit." Just like that, Diamond had appeared? They'd actually succeeded in calling him out?

"You _are_Henderson, right? I don't want to attack Mitchell again. Or maybe I do, last time it brought out Henderson."

"It's me," Henderson replied. "But you can attack me anyway."

Diamond smiled, leaning down to meet the lips lifting to his. Henderson pulled back after a few moments, eyes narrowing. "Maslow?"

"No, it's me. Diamond. I swear."

"Okay."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, you just kiss differently. You've never just...kissed me like that."

"Oh." Diamond blushed. "Is it okay?"

"It's wonderful. I'll have you cuddling in no time."

A pained expression flitted over Diamond's face before he closed his eyes, and when he opened them again something had changed.

"I lost him, didn't I? You're Maslow."

James nodded. "I'm sorry. How long was he here?"

"Not even two minutes. What happened?"

"He showed up when I pissed him off, right?" Maslow asked instead of answering.

"Right. Then what?"

"Then I was gone, but not completely. I knew he would come out, so I was ready. I kept hearing whispers."

"Whispers?" Henderson asked in excitement. "Was it him?"

"I don't know. I think so. I was kind of waiting, and once I knew I was under, I fought my way back. Just to see if I could do it."

"And you did, but I think it's because he was in a weak moment."

"Weak how?" Maslow wanted to know.

"I told him I wanted to cuddle with him. He looked upset."

"Oh. Wow. I'm sorry, dude."

"Whatever. But he kissed me in a way he hadn't before. I felt something deeper. Thought I was kissing you for a second. It was nice."

Maslow's eyebrows rose in surprise. "You think kissing me would be nice?"

"I think what happened in that room shouldn't have happened because now I can't stop thinking about it. It would be easier if you didn't look just like him."

"Yeah," Maslow agreed, eyes cutting away. "It's a little too easy to pretend you're Mitchell. Makes me feel guilty for wanting to kiss you."

Henderson stepped forward, Maslow taking one step back but then stopping when a hand caressed his cheek. The longing to be loved by someone was so strong, the gentle touch getting to him in a way even the blow job hadn't. He sank into it, a needy sound leaving him.

"I just miss him so much," Henderson whispered, lips inches from Maslow's.

"Why can't you be him?" Maslow whispered in return, their mouths now brushing together. "I need him."

Henderson's lips moved to his ear. "I know what you need."

Maslow shuddered against him. "Don't, please don't, you know I have no control when you touch me."

Henderson's head fell onto his shoulder, Maslow feeling how desperately he needed to continue; they both did.

"Diamond would be so hurt. He'd regress even more."

"I know," Henderson replied sadly. "I just wish he was here. But every time I try to talk to him, he disappears. I just want to talk."

"You can talk to me." Maslow pulled back, tilting Logan's chin up until they were looking into each others' eyes. "I'm not him, but I'm here."

When Henderson pressed their lips together, Maslow didn't stop him. It was one simple kiss that was about loneliness and longing more than anything else, the two taking comfort in each other because there was no choice.

"Watch the video," Maslow murmured, fighting the urge to kiss Henderson again. "I'm going to get some air."

"Yeah."

As Maslow moved away, Henderson pulled him back for one more kiss. Maslow couldn't fight it immediately, the taste of those perfect lips and tongue everything he needed. Eventually he whispered, "You have to stop doing that."

"You have to stop being so beautiful."

Maslow turned and walked out of the room, confused about his feelings for the three men who had become his world.

* * *

Full of conflicting feelings himself, Henderson took a seat at the desk. He shouldn't have pushed it with Maslow, but the way Maslow kissed him was the way he wished Diamond would kiss him. And he had, briefly, which only made it worse because he'd disappeared so soon and left Henderson aching for more of that. There was also the fact he'd blown Maslow, had been about to take it all the way, and in the middle of that had been cut off as well. He was frustrated, both sexually and emotionally, and could anyone blame him?

_How am I supposed to keep my hands off either one of them? They're beautiful. They're both so responsive to every touch. I woke up kissing him, was I just supposed to stop? I didn't even fucking know._

But he had known just now it was Maslow. The pull had been too strong to resist. If Maslow hadn't been feeling it, too, he could've backed away. "You both are gonna drive me fucking nuts," Henderson muttered. "How am I supposed to live with you and not be all over you?"

There was an image of James frozen on the screen, Henderson assuming it was Diamond but anymore he was so confused, didn't know who was who and why it mattered. Both of them were too easy to fall in love with, and while he'd always been content to fuck anyone who could satisfy his needs in the past, there had been the hope for something more one day. He'd mentioned to Maslow that when he met the right person, he would do the romantic thing—flowers, candy, dates where he might even spout off the poetry he'd written in a notebook stashed deep inside the closet of the spare bedroom. That was one thing he was positive Mitchell hadn't found, because he'd hidden it so well. He was more sensitive than he liked to admit, dreamed of a great love that would knock him off his feet. So far these two were getting to a side of him he liked to keep buried from outside eyes.

"You both suck," he mumbled, taking a deep breath and settling in to watch the video, prepared to lose more of his heart.

He didn't expect to find Diamond looking so lost, though, or for his first words to be a tortured, "Hey. I miss you."

Guilt poured over Henderson, mixing with the intense longing that rose as he stared at the screen. "I miss you, too. So much."

_James blinked suddenly, surprised. "Wow. I didn't mean to say that. Not that it isn't true," he added in a hurry, holding up a hand. "It's totally true. I just didn't intend to sound so desperate right off the bat or...ever."_

_Chewing his lip, James was obviously wondering where to go next. "I feel so pressured, like I have to get this all out in a hurry in case Maslow shows up. I hate this. I'm nervous, and when I get that way he tends to take over. But I want to talk to you, there are things I need to say, so __I'm gonna try to get through this without switching over or whatever."_

He looked so lost, Henderson again wishing he could scoop him up and hold him. "That's it. Next time we meet, I'm going to hold you whether you like it or not."

_"Um...so Mitchell and I talked. A lot. I don't have time to explain everything, how I got like this and how it all started, but I'll tell you that I knew about Maslow. I've known about him since I was a kid. I didn't get that he was part of me, though, at least in that crazy kind of way, because I didn't want to be crazy. Everybody has imaginary friends growing up, right? Mine just...never went away. I made him do that for a long time, but he came back and now I can't get rid of him and I'm scared, Logan. I'm scared of my mom and the doctors and I don't trust anyone and I felt like I was trapped, like I had nowhere to go, but then you were suddenly there with your cool shades and your backwards hat and your perfect ass and you almost took me down over a box of donuts and how are you even real? I swear you walked out of my dreams, you're like this superhero who swooped in and rescued me."_

Pausing the video because he was overwhelmed, Henderson stood up and rushed out of the room. He found Maslow on the balcony, leaning against the wall in silence.

"Maslow?"

"Yeah." He spun around, eyes a shield rather than a window to the many thoughts running through his mind.

"We can't do that again."

"I know."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you like that, I'm just so lonely and-"

"I know, Henderson. It's okay. It won't happen again."

"He needs me. He told me I rescued him, and he needs me and I-"

"It's fine," Maslow interrupted, stepping forward to squeeze Henderson's shoulder. "Mitchell needs me, too. Or maybe I need him, I don't know. But they've each staked their claim and I was wrong to kiss you and...it won't happen again," he repeated.

"Okay."

"What else did he say?"

"I haven't watched much of it. He's scared, though. He's terrified."

"Yeah. Usually this is when he calls me. This time he's pushing me away."

"Let Mitchell work on him. He'll come around."

"Not holding my breath," James sighed. "Go finish watching that. If I'm still here then, we'll think about lunch."

"Okay."

Henderson returned to the bedroom, pressing "play" again.

"_I don't want to put all my shit on you, though. You have your own mess going on with Mitchell, and I know he's not easy to deal with. Trust me. I know you said you wanted to help, and I guess I kind of maybe need it but I don't expect it. I don't want to get too used to it, you know? If it doesn't work out, I'll be alone again. There's Maslow, so I guess I'm never really alone, but you know what I mean, right? And it's even harder because I don't ever see you. Last night you showed up when I needed you, it was like you knew I needed you and it was perfect and I loved every second but I don't want to get used to that. A few times already I thought Mitchell was you and when I found out he wasn't...I can't keep going through that. That little fucker pretended to be you, can you believe it? Make sure you yell at him for that, because that was not cool. He lied to me and pretended he was you and when I realized he wasn't..."_

Henderson couldn't help but laugh at that, head thrown back. Apparently Mitchell wasn't above being sneaky, and he had to admire that. "It worked, didn't it?" he said to the screen.

_James shook his head, looking away for a moment. "You guys said you wanted me and Maslow to move in. If you meant it, we're going to. He wants to, I want to. The other idiot is out there making a list, comparing me to Maslow and I gotta say, Maslow stacks up way better than me. That might be okay, though, because he can't get Maslow without taking me, too, so I'm hoping he needs Maslow bad enough that his hatred of me doesn't stand in the way. We're actually getting along a little better now, had breakfast together and I ended up telling him everything and it's been a long morning but I think he's willing to put up with me. For you and for Maslow. I hope, anyway."_

Something to James' left distracted him and he looked to the side, eyebrows lifted in question before he raised his arm and held out a hand. Part of Mitchell's body appeared, Henderson not missing the joining of hands and unwilling to dwell on it at the moment. He was more concerned with what Mitchell had to say.

_"You're not Henderson, are you?" Diamond asked._

_"No," was heard. "Are you still doing the video?"_

_"Yeah, say hi to Henderson." With a grin, James waved at the screen. Mitchell bent down to get into range and smiled._

_"Hey, buddy. Hope you're good. I'll make a video for you later, a lot to talk about."_

_"What's up?" Diamond asked, looking up in question._

_"Oh. Well." Mitchell pulled his hand free of Diamond's and pulled the kitchen chair closer, taking a seat. James rolled his chair aside to give Mitchell room, and then they were both on-screen._

_"I guess I should talk to you both anyway. I've decided it's fine if you and Maslow move in."_

_"Really?" Diamond asked, hesitant to believe it._

_"Yes. It's not going to be easy and will be a huge adjustment to all four of us, and it seems crazy considering I've only known you two about a week, but I don't want you around your mother anymore. I want you here."_

_James nodded slowly. "Thank you. I promise I'll try not to annoy you too much."_

_"You will."_

When Mitchell smiled, eyes crinkling at the corners, he looked for a moment so much like himself that Henderson's stomach dropped. It never failed to amaze him that Mitchell was an exact replica of him physically.

_Mitchell continued with, "We may kill each other before the first day is done. Or maybe right when we get to that point Maslow will show up and make it all better. Or Henderson will. Point is, we each have an outlet if things get too stressful. I hope."_

_James bit his lip again, considering that._

_"But please don't purposely try to aggravate me in order to call Henderson to the surface. I mean it, James. No feeling me up in hopes of getting me horny enough for Henderson to take over."_

_Unashamed, Diamond shrugged. "Can't blame me for trying."_

_"I can, and I will. Maslow will not take kindly to that. At least I hope."_

_"Doesn't bother me either way. He can't get to me."_

_"He can make your life hell, though. He's smart."_

_James once again shrugged. "I'll behave if you let Henderson out to play enough."_

_"I can't exactly press a button and just make it happen, James. You won't show me how."_

_"You know why. But I promise to at least try to behave, okay? I'll stay in my room at night and if Henderson-" Remembering then that the video was still going, James faced the screen. "If you wake up and want me, you know where to find me. You're welcome at all hours of the day and night."_

_Mitchell smiled softly, reaching up to squeeze Diamond's shoulder. "I'll let you get back to it, I know you have a lot to say. And I know you still want to do a video for Maslow. Even if you don't, you're going to. I don't have classes today so I was thinking I'd make us lunch and we could talk about all of this, figure everything out. Sound good?"_

_"Sounds great," Diamond answered, surprised into a grin by the offer of lunch. "If I'm still around at dinnertime, what are we having?"_

White hot jealousy scorched through Henderson. Mitchell got breakfast and lunch and possibly even dinner with Diamond? He'd even shared a bed with Diamond all night, or so Henderson assumed. "It's not fucking fair," he complained, watching the two of them on the screen as they sat and talked like they had all the time in the world. "I'm going to figure out how to come forward when I want to, the way Maslow does. I'll have my time with you, Diamond."

_Mitchell continued. "Don't you have to go home at some point? Talk to your mom?"_

_"Yeah, I guess I should." The idea obviously didn't sit well. "When's a good time to do the move?"_

_"Let's see how it goes with your mom before we decide. I'm off school tomorrow, too, but I don't know if you'd be ready to do it that soon."_

_"Dude, I'm ready to do it right now."_

_"Let's talk everything over first. Finish up with Henderson."_

_"Okay."_

_Diamond waited for Mitchell to leave the room before turning back to the camera. "Well. There we have it. We get our wish." It sank in then, the knowledge he might wake to Henderson climbing into his bed without warning and cuddling with him, probably doing more. His smile was blinding, eyes full of sheer happiness. "I know it's gonna be hard, but we'll make this work. Me and Mitchell, we'll figure something out. I'll talk to Mom tonight and just tell her I'm leaving. I think she'll be okay with it, as long as I keep going to the meetings and stay out of her hair. It's not that she doesn't love me, she just loves herself more. Maybe now she can date. She never tried again after my step-dad left. But you don't know about all that, do you? There's a lot I may never get to tell you. We never get to just talk, you know? I guess Mitchell's destined to be my talking buddy and you're my...whatever you are._

"Whatever you are," Henderson echoed. The words were like a knife to his heart. But the way Diamond had talked about him earlier, that had to mean something.

"_Oh! You asked about me and other guys. Sometimes I get desperate horny and go out to pick up guys. Not a lot, but I get these cravings and they don't go away until I do something about it. None of the guys means anything, though, they're just a fuck, so you don't have to worry about that. If you're around often enough, it's you I'd rather be with. I don't know what that makes us, and you can do whatever you want, but Maslow said you might want me as more than a fuck buddy. I um...well." James tucked his hair behind his ear before continuing. "If that's true, if you want to like...be something to each other..." A hand went to his mouth, Diamond now chewing on a fingernail as anxiety flew to the surface. "I'm just saying that...I mean...we don't have to. Whatever you want, I know I'm not boyfriend material or anything but-" His voice rose slightly, heading toward hysteria. "I just...I mean if...I...fuck. I can't even breathe. Logan!" he called out suddenly, panic rising. "Logan, I can't breathe!"_

_Hands gripping the desk, Diamond tried to draw deep breaths. "No, go away, go away, go away, I don't want you here! Logan!"_

_Mitchell was suddenly there, kneeling next to the chair with hands on James' legs while he asked what was wrong, his eyes running over James in search of a problem. Next James' eyes fell closed, only to open a few seconds later. He took in the sight of Logan on his knees, glanced around to figure out where he was, then his gaze returned to Mitchell, whose eyes narrowed._

_"Maslow?"_

_Maslow nodded, unsure who he was speaking to._

_"It's me," Logan said softly._

_"Hey."_

_"Hey."_

_"What happened this time to bring me out?" Maslow asked._

_"I don't know. He was making a video for Henderson and suddenly started yelling my name. Said he couldn't breathe. You're okay?"_

_"Yeah, I'm fine. Heart rate's a little high, but if he couldn't breathe, that makes sense. He was probably panicking."_

_"It's still recording, hang on."_

The video stopped then, Henderson flying out of the chair and running into the living room, where Maslow was on his phone.

"James! James, I need to talk to Diamond! Now!"

"Hold on, Mom." Lowering the phone, Maslow looked up from the couch. "What's wrong?"

"I need him, can he hear me? Please, he heard you earlier. I need to talk to him. He needs to know, please."

"I can try again, but I can't guarantee anything. You know what it's like. Let me..." Lifting the phone to his ear again, James spun away. "Mom? I don't know when I'll be home. Yes, I know. That's fine. There are some things we need to discuss anyway. I know. Is tomorrow good? Mom, stop trying to be delicate. He's aware of me, he admitted it. Yes. I'll explain everything tomorrow. Or if I'm not around, he will. We'll figure it all out somehow. Okay. Maybe see you tonight, but if not then one of us will tomorrow. Bye."

The moment the phone was in Maslow's pocket, Henderson swung him around. "Diamond, are you there? Please, I know you can hear me. Please. It's Henderson. Please."

"Relax," Maslow soothed. "Why don't you just make him a video right now of everything you want to say?"

"Because he needs to know now. I don't have time for that shit, I could disappear at any second! Would the mirror help?"

"I don't know, it's not like a switch I can just turn off and on. Talk to him."

"Now?"

"Yes. Say what you need to say, just start talking. If he can hear you, he'll fight his way forward. Maybe I can let him know I need him the way he lets me know."

"Which is?"

"No idea," James replied with a shake of his head. "But we can try. Just talk."

"Okay. Okay, give me a second to think."

Maslow watched Henderson pace, giving it a minute before urging, "Time's wasting, don't think about it. Just say it."

"Fine." Stopping before Maslow, Henderson opened his mouth. "Diamond. It's me. I just watched your video. You _are_ boyfriend material, you're everything I want, please don't feel like you're not good enough for me. It's not just the sex, I want so much more, I want to talk to you and cuddle with you at night and if that bothers you, then we don't have to do it. But I hate that I never get to see you and if we had more time together, I'd be taking you out on dates and showing you off and everyone would know you belong to me, I'd even kiss you in public and not even care, whatever it takes to show you that you matter, you're special and-"

Attacked by a mouth on his and hands in his hair, Henderson gasped before returning the kiss, praying it was Diamond he was kissing this time. There was definitely aggression, and also that high-pitched needy sound Diamond usually let out when they were together. When the hands slid down his back to cup his ass, Henderson was so relieved he thought he might cry. "Tell me you heard that."

"Did you mean it?"

"Yes. All of it. You belong to me, if that's what you want."

"It's what I want. I don't deserve it, but I want it."

"Then it's yours. Just promise to sleep with me, let me hold you like we did last night."

"I'm scared. I'll ruin this, Logan, I ruin everything; soon enough you'll be sick of me and wish we'd never met and-"

"No." Henderson proved it with a kiss, Diamond opening his mouth for it. "I already know you're a dick, Diamond. I love you anyway."

"But you're crazy," Diamond argued. "You don't know what you're getting into."

"I know enough that it makes me want more. Spend time with me, don't run away when I tell you what I'm feeling. More importantly, don't run away when _you _start feeling. Let yourself fall in love."

"I don't...love doesn't..."

He was getting agitated again, Henderson quickly correcting himself.

"Okay, that might be a bit much. That's fine. Just don't run from me when I do something besides...besides...oh no. No fucking way, Mitchell, don't do this now! Fuck!"

Diamond had been watching in concern and knew it the moment Mitchell appeared. His eyes were wide as they took in Diamond, his jaw dropping slightly. "I heard you," he whispered in awe.

"What?"

"James, I heard you talking to him! I heard you talking and you were scared, you were starting to get scared and I had this need to comfort you, and then...wow. I was here. I actually heard you!"

"How?"

"I don't know. It's never been like that before. When did I disappear?" Thinking back, Logan bit his lip. "Oh. Right. Maslow and I were kissing. Damn, I always disappear when things are getting good."

Frustrated at the loss of Henderson so soon, Diamond tried to let it go and said, "We should work on that."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, I almost lost it just now when Henderson and I were talking about my feelings. I sensed Maslow, he was right beneath the surface waiting to come out. He would've if you hadn't switched over. Why is it I can talk to you about my feelings but not Henderson?"

"Because you care what he thinks. He means that much to you. You're probably afraid to scare him away, so when you get close to expressing yourself, you panic."

"And you panic when you get hard or what?"

"Apparently."

"So let's practice. We can use each other. I'll work on talking about my feelings, you work on getting horny without it bringing Henderson out."

"Just how do you propose I do that, Diamond? If you think I'm going to lock myself in a room and-"

"Like this."

Diamond stepped forward, closing the distance between them and reaching down to cup Mitchell with one hand before stroking through the denim.

Logan gasped and backed away, scandalized. "Knock that off! You're just trying to get Henderson back out here! It's not going to work."

"It's a risk I'm willing to take," Diamond grinned. "But I mean it. We can help each other. Isn't that what you always tell me? Let me help you?"

"That's not exactly what I meant."

"Suit yourself," Diamond shrugged. "I'll just keep enjoying the benefits of...wait. I don't get those benefits. What happens when Henderson takes over and it's Maslow? What happened earlier? Didn't you say you were making out and switched over?"

"I did," Mitchell nodded. "I don't know what happened after that. I'm going to assume they stopped, because...because..."

Mitchell pictured it then, remembered the way Maslow had been kissing him and responding to the touches. Would Maslow have stopped? What if Henderson had switched over without telling him? Could Mitchell really blame Maslow for wanting it to continue? No more than Henderson could blame _him_ for wanting to continue kissing Diamond earlier.

"I think this is going to get messy," he commented, despair washing over him. "If we're switching personalities all the time and right in the middle of heated moments, how do you just stop that?"

"What sucks most for you is that you never get to follow through. You can't handle it so you end up stopping right in the middle. At this rate you'll never know what it's like to be fucked."

"I never wanted to know that," Logan replied, suddenly turning toward the kitchen. "Any idea if we've eaten yet? What time is it?"

"I doubt it, I'm starving. And quit pretending like you don't want to know. I'm here if you want to practice."

"Maslow wouldn't approve."

"He would if it helped you stick around to finish the act," Diamond countered, following Mitchell into the kitchen. "Why don't I ask him in my video?"

Logan glanced back over his shoulder from the open refrigerator door. "Are you seriously going to do that? Wouldn't it be easier just to go have a mirror conversation with him?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Or you could let him out right now and I can ask."

"Not happening. You're stuck with me."

Sighing, Logan turned to the fridge again. "I know."

"Don't sound so thrilled. I'm sorry I'm not perfect like him."

"James, I don't have a problem with you. When you're nice, I actually enjoy your company."

"Really?"

"Yes, really." Logan dug out supplies to make sandwiches.

"And the kissing? Was that horrible or did you actually enjoy that, too?"

"I'm not talking about that. I made my point and it's over."

"You liked it. I can tell because you almost dropped the cheese when I asked."

"It's cold. I wasn't expecting that."

"From the refrigerator? Yeah, why would it be cold from the refrigerator? That's just crazy talk."

"You know what?" Mitchell spun around, aggravated. "This is what I was talking about. If you move in, it's going to be like this all the time. You'll make me want to strangle you."

Diamond's face fell. "So you changed your mind about us living here?"

"No, but can you not be so...argumentative? Why do you have to argue about everything?"

"I don't know. Why do you have to be so particular about everything?"

"Because that's how I am. I'm not Henderson. Accept it."

"And I'm not Maslow. Accept _that_. It's gonna be you and me most of the time, buddy. We have to learn how to get along and help each other. You make me talk about my feelings, I feel you up until you can handle it. We can do this."

"You're insane."

"We've established that."

"It's useless talking to you."

"So don't talk. Just feed me and let _me_ talk. And then let me have my way with you."

"You're such a horndog, I swear."

"I'm doing this for you, Mitchell. Do you think I actually enjoy making out with you?"

One eyebrow raised, Mitchell said, "I know you do. Should I shove you up against the wall again?"

"Oh god, fuck."

Logan watched as Diamond lowered himself to a kitchen chair, legs weak just thinking about it. "You really love sex, don't you?"

"There's nothing like it. One day you'll understand. But not if you don't let me help you."

Staring at Diamond for a long time, Mitchell finally suggested, "Let's make a deal. I let you help me, so to speak, and you let me cuddle with you at night."

"Cuddle? I don't think so. Only Henderson gets that privilege."

"But then you disappear. We can practice that the same way we practice the other stuff. We need to work past our issues, and we can take it as slowly as we need to. Oddly enough, I think Steph would agree with this. We can help each other face our biggest fears."

"So...I make out with you, and you cuddle with me?"

Mitchell nodded. "I say we run it past them first, though. Really, they can't argue because it will benefit them both. And it's not like we're actually cheating, we're open about it and not with anyone else. Technically."

When Diamond hesitated, Logan approached slowly and slid his arms around Diamond's waist. He laid his head on Diamond's chest, feeling the racing heartbeat underneath his cheek. "Relax. Just hold me."

Diamond did, long arms wrapping around him. "I don't know how to do this."

"Just like this. Stay here with me."

For the next two minutes, Diamond did. When Logan felt him getting antsy, he backed away. "You can do this."

"I don't like the way I feel when I do that. I feel like I have no control. It's like...like I never want to stop."

Logan smiled. "Then you're doing it right."

XXXX


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Author's notes:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

**NOTE:** At the suggestion of **waterwicca**, I decided to use italics for any words/actions related to what's happening on video. It's not so bad when there's one person watching a video, but when you add more people to it, it tends to get a little confusing. So from this point forward, anything in italics while there's a video playing is what's happening on the video the characters are watching.

Thank you **Aranelle** and **waterwicca** for their suggestions and feedback. It cuts down on the confusion when dealing with two versions of the same two people.

And I've fallen behind on replying to reviews. Working on that, a little each day. Thanks for being patient, I really do love reading all of them. :)

* * *

Perhaps because they stayed away from intense subjects, there was no interference from either Maslow or Henderson during lunch. They discussed the logistics of moving James in and debated if the next day was too soon.

"Logically, it is. Most would think we were-" Mitchell stopped himself, grinning. "I keep talking about how crazy we are, or how crazy you make me, and it's funny because that's a given. I need to just accept it."

"You accepted it way better than I did, dude." James shoved the last bite of sandwich in and reached for the cookies he'd discovered in a cupboard. "Do you know what being crazy will do to my image? How am I supposed to have any kind of fame?"

"Keep switching personalities in the middle of a job, and you'll be famous whether you want to be or not."

"That's not the kind of fame I was going for."

"Yeah, I know." Mitchell reached across the table to snag a cookie, munching on it before urging, "Tell me about yourself. You want to be famous, but doing what?"

"I like to sing. I do auditions, too, like for T.V. shows? I haven't had any luck, though. As far as I know."

"Maslow wants to be an actor, too. Did you know that?"

"We kind of work together. I don't ask him to help, but he does. I'm not sure how he does it, though."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't call him, he just shows up like he knows I need him. I hate that I need him."

Logan nodded, chewing on a second cookie. "I know how you feel. It's ridiculous that I can't even handle a few kisses."

"You did just fine with me," James pointed out. "Why were you able to kiss me but not Maslow?"

"I can kiss him, it's when it goes a little further I start to freak out. Remember last night in my bed? You were uh...touching me. That was too much."

"For now. We'll practice."

"I'm still not sold on the idea."

"You'll love it," Diamond said slyly, pulling out his phone. He called up his mother's number and frowned. "He called Mom. Shit."

"Why is that bad?"

"Because I don't know what they said. A lot of times after a blackout I wake up and Mom's not speaking to me. He always manages to piss her off."

"Hopefully this time he didn't. Call her."

While Logan stood to clean up the mess from lunch, he kept an ear on Diamond's side of the conversation. He was basically checking in, and for all the bravado he gave when saying things like "I'm an adult, I do what I want," it was obvious he shrank under her criticism. He finally admitted to being aware of Maslow, trying to explain why he hadn't before and that he was afraid. Whatever his mother's reply to that was had him agitated, fingers fiddling with the hem of his shirt and Logan witnessing him revert to a scared child who was being threatened with punishment. It made no sense to Logan, who had assumed Diamond used the asshole side as a shield with everyone-mother included.

"Mom, you don't understand, you don't know what it's like! No. No, I'm not...Mom, no, there's another way, my friend Logan says I can see his doctor and-but Logan has the same problem! He's getting better, his doctor is-Mom, will you just listen to me for a second?"

When James started to hyperventilate, Logan knew Maslow was only seconds away. He grabbed the phone and disconnected the call, Diamond spinning toward him with wide eyes. "Are you crazy? You don't hang up on Brooke Diamond!"

"I just did. You were about to switch."

"I had it under control."

"No, you didn't. I'm sorry. Maslow told me you can't deal with your mother. I think we need to find a way to get him here for the move. He needs to handle this because right now, you can't."

"What the fuck is wrong with me that I can't even talk to my own mother for ten minutes without having a breakdown?"

"You did it for years, though, right? How did you manage it when Maslow was gone?"

"We didn't talk much," Diamond admitted. "I stayed in my room most of the time, and she would check on me but otherwise not be concerned with me. It's only since he came back she suddenly gives a shit about what I do. She's afraid I'll embarrass her or something because I'm such a fuck-up."

"James," Logan sighed, knowing he was pushing it but pulling James into his arms anyway. "Stop that. You're not a fuck-up. You're a beautiful, brave person who found a unique way to cope. You're smarter than you give yourself credit for."

"I'm not, I'm-"

"Yes, you are." Diamond was stiff in Mitchell's embrace, so he slid away some to look into sad hazel eyes. "Do you think I'm smart?"

"You're a nerd, of course you're smart."

Smiling slightly, Logan replied, "Then trust me. Trust the smart guy when he says you're worth loving."

"Stop it," Diamond whispered, "stop talking like that I can't handle it and he's here, I can feel him he's right here but I don't want to lose control, please stop being so perfect for five minutes."

The words surprised Mitchell, the urge to kiss Diamond also unexpected. He backed away, turning his back to Diamond. "This really is going to get messy. I don't know how we're going to make this work, James."

Hands were suddenly sliding over his skin, up his bare arms to settle on his shoulders as a strong body pressed against him from behind. He wanted it to be Maslow, prayed for it when lips fastened over his neck and bit in gently. The reaction was instant, Logan hard as he lifted a hand to tangle in James' hair. "Don't stop," he said softly.

A big hand cupped him from behind, squeezing while the body pressed closer and the mouth sucked harder, bringing a moan from him. It scared him that he didn't care anymore which James it was as long as the touches continued. It was delicious, all the heat coursing through him, that hand just right as it moved between his thighs.

"You're not freaking out," James whispered, and he knew then it was Diamond. How could Diamond make him feel these things and want more so easily?

"I am, I'm just fighting it. Trying to let it happen."

He was spun around roughly and kissed hard, Diamond shoving him back against the counter while reaching between them to unbuckle Logan's belt. The panic started then, Logan unable to fight it down this time. "James, wait. Stop. It's too much, back off."

Surprisingly, Diamond did stop. He was panting slightly when he backed away, eyes dark in a way that got Mitchell's heart beating faster, but he stopped.

"Thank you," Mitchell said quietly. "I know you'd rather I was him."

"You stopped when I asked you to. It's only fair."

"So we can trust each other? We have to be able to."

"Yeah," James answered. "It won't be easy, but if you ask me to, I'll stop."

"Okay. And um...maybe once in a while I won't ask you to. Because I know you need him."

"You'd do that for me?" It was obvious Diamond was touched.

"As long as you repay the favor and let me cuddle with Maslow occasionally."

Diamond didn't like that idea, but after a moment he gave a curt nod. "Maybe."

It was the best Mitchell was going to get. "Can we try to make him come out tonight? I'll take you home and he can talk with your mom?"

Diamond considered that, then asked, "Can we do it tomorrow? I'm kind of enjoying today."

A slow smile spread over Mitchell's face. "Want to go grocery shopping with me? I have to make a stop first, you can meet my mom. She's nothing like yours."

Diamond grinned. "I'd love to. Can I borrow a shirt or something, though? I can't stand wearing the same clothes for more than a day."

"Sure. My home is your home. Literally."

Now it was a blinding smile that lit up Mitchell's heart like a ray of sunshine as James said, "Soon it will be."

* * *

They were halfway to Logan's mother's house when Mitchell realized Diamond had gotten out of a task he was dreading. "You never made that video. Did you distract me on purpose?" he asked Diamond.

"No, but that's a good idea."

"Why don't you want to talk to him?"

"I don't know what to say."

"He misses you."

"Whatever."

Mitchell drove, frustrated with the wall Diamond had put up again. "Since when am I perfect?" he finally asked.

"Who says you're perfect?"

"You did."

"Me? I don't think so."

"James, you said it earlier in my apartment. You told me to stop being perfect."

Diamond shook his head, eyes everywhere but on Mitchell. "That wasn't me."

"Bullshit. You did not switch over to Maslow and back that quickly. And Maslow wouldn't have begged me to _stop_ being perfect; you're the one who gets scared when I make you feel."

"Can we stop talking about him for five minutes? I know you'd rather I was him, but you just have to put up with me. I'm not letting him out."

"I could make you, you know. Very easily."

The threat resulted in a glare aimed at Mitchell. "You said we have to trust each other. That's not playing fair."

"Why won't you admit that you miss him? He's the one person that's always been there for you, that would do anything for you. He deserves some respect for that."

Diamond had no answer. Glancing over at him in the passenger seat, Logan saw that the idea meant a lot to him; he just wasn't willing to admit it. Dropping it for now, Mitchell changed the subject. "Okay, Mom only gives me a limited amount of money for groceries each week so we can't spend it all on junk food. We have to be frugal."

"Frugal?" Diamond echoed. "I don't even know what that means."

"Just let me handle the shopping. You can have a few treats, though." It suddenly occurred to Logan he would have to buy enough to feed a second person, one who obviously required more sustenance. How was he going to make this work?

"I bet Maslow can get money out of Mom," Diamond mused.

"Think so?"

"If she's not too pissed. A lot of times I would ask her for things and she'd say no but then I'd find them in my room. When I thanked her, she usually gave me a dirty look. I don't know how he does it, but he gets what he wants from her."

"Or what _you _want."

"Same thing, right?"

Logan supposed that was true. As he smiled over at Diamond, he realized he too was enjoying this day, no matter how aggravating Diamond could be. It was good to have a friend.

* * *

Mrs. Mitchell was fascinated to meet another of Logan's kind. It was different when it wasn't her own child because she was able to see it without being so emotionally attached, though when she started asking questions about it Diamond clammed up a bit. After changing the subject, Logan waited until James was in the bathroom to explain to his mother that James had only come to terms with the condition earlier that day and still wasn't comfortable talking about it. She promised to back off and offered to cook dinner for the two of them, but Logan stated he had plans of his own for dinner.

What Mrs. Mitchell herself wasn't comfortable with was the idea that James was moving in with Logan so quickly. He understood her fears but said that his mind was made up and that James needed him. Her next question was "And what does Henderson think of all this?"

Logan only laughed, amused that she was worried Henderson would have a problem with it.

"So he doesn't mind?" she asked, sitting across from Logan at the kitchen table.

"No, Mom. He was the one who came up with the idea. With Maslow. He's been a great help with the two of them, surprised me. The videos were a great idea, we can actually communicate now."

"That's wonderful, but is there any hope the two of you can...blend, so to speak? That is the ultimate goal. I know his existence creates a lot of problems for you, sweetie."

"It does," Logan agreed, "but after meeting him...I don't know, Mom. I don't know if I can do it."

"Logan, you can't live your life like this. You'll never accomplish anything if your alter is slowing you down."

"I know, but...don't you love him like a son? You've spent more time with him than I have. How can you think about getting rid of him?"

"Because I worry about you. Of course I care about him but you're my concern. Since you were a little boy all you wanted was to be a doctor and now your dreams are being put on hold until you get past this. Your life would be easier without Henderson."

"That's because so far we've been fighting each other. When we work together, we actually do accomplish things. James is an example of that, between the two of us we managed to get both personalities to face the truth. There are things Henderson's capable of that I'm not."

"So you work on those things, Logan. He may be a separate personality, but he's still a part of you. It's _you_ doing those things."

"I'm sorry, Mom, but you can't understand this unless you're going through it yourself. You just have to trust me when I say I need Henderson. I don't _live_ without him, my life is like a..." Logan searched his mind for the right word, coming up blank.

It was Diamond who filled that blank in, entering the room to stand behind Logan. Hands on his shoulders, Diamond supplied, "Like a dark cave. You hide in your comfort zone and think no one will find you but then you get glimpses of light and start to crave it. It's scary, but it's warm because you're not alone anymore. You've got a friend there to hold your hand no matter what happens. He's always there for you."

Mitchell leaned his head back against Diamond's stomach, staring up at him and wondering for a second if Maslow had returned. Diamond wasn't usually so open or so poetic in his speech. He reached up to lay a hand over Diamond's, squeezing once before letting go and turning his attention back to his mother. "That's exactly right, Mom. That's exactly how it feels. I never wanted to need someone, you know me. I went into this thinking I could overcome him. Instead I found a friend who takes care of me, who knows when I need him and handles things I can't. There's a part of me that feels like a failure for that, for having to rely on someone else when most people handle it all."

"Logan, you're not a failure," Mrs. Mitchell comforted. "I promise you that."

"I can't help feeling like one. But if that's what it takes for me to live one day to the next, then I'll deal with it. And with James, I have someone who understands what I'm going through. We can be a help to each other."

After studying the two of them, Mrs. Mitchell sat back and admitted, "I will say I've never seen you so relaxed. Not outside of Henderson, at least."

"Maybe he's rubbing off on me," Logan grinned.

"I like to think it's because of me," Diamond tossed out. "You're so uptight all the time but I'm gonna change that."

"Be quiet, you're not changing anything."

"I'll start leaving messes around the house and not let you clean them up. Force you to ignore them."

"James, that's not even funny."

"Who says I'm joking?"

Mitchell's head whipped up again, Diamond staring down in challenge as he said, "We'll push each other a little further every day."

There was something there, some promise Logan felt as warmth spread through his body because he knew Diamond was referring to things involving touch and perhaps a bed. Lust hit him like a freight train, unexpected and unwelcome, the power of it forcing him out of his chair to put distance between them. He needed to stay in control.

"We need to get to the grocery store," he mumbled, ignoring the intense expression on Diamond's face as hazel eyes traced his every move. "Thanks, Mom."

"It's not a problem, you know I'll provide for you as long as you're in school."

When Logan approached for a hug, she whispered, "We need to talk. Just you and me. There are things we need to discuss."

"I'll call you."

"Be careful."

"Always."

After saying her goodbyes to James, she walked them to the car and watched them get settled in. "Call me if you need me, Logan."

"I will, Mom. Thanks. I love you."

"I love you, too, sweetie. James, make sure he gives you my number in case you ever need to get in touch with me."

"I'll do that, thanks. And I'll make sure you get mine, too. If I ever call and don't sound like myself, that means it's Maslow."

"Maslow's the nice one," Logan smirked. "That's how I tell the difference."

Diamond smacked him. "Shut up, I can be nice!"

"Obviously," Logan chuckled, rubbing his shoulder. "Bye, Mom!"

They made it to the end of the block before Logan asked quietly, "What was that about?"

"What?"

"You know what. Was that part of pushing me to my limits?"

"Did it work?"

"A little too well. I almost switched, I could feel it."

"Just from a look? Nice." Diamond was proud of himself.

"_Not_ nice. I'm not sure I like that you can do that to me."

"Yeah, I would've thought only Maslow could."

"This isn't something to be happy about, James. I shouldn't be attracted to you."

"But you are," James grinned. "You can't fight it."

"I need to have a long talk with Henderson."

"So do I. Let's make that happen now."

Without warning, James' hand snaked up Logan's thigh, fingers moving expertly to wake him up. The car swerved before Logan regained control. "Diamond, knock it off! I'm driving here!"

"So pull over. I'm really really horny right now and one of you is going to fix that."

"You can't just-"

"Watch me."

In a flash Mitchell's zipper was down, Diamond's seatbelt undone as well as he bent down over Mitchell's lap.

"Oh my God, Diamond, don't! Stop it! We're right in the middle of the street-"

"I told you. Pull over."

A hand slapped at James' head, trying to shove it away as Logan pulled to the curb. "You're going to get me arrested, will you just...just..."

A hot mouth had enveloped him, tongue warm and wet and causing sensations in places Logan hadn't even known could feel such things. "Oh my God," he moaned, and then his hands grabbed hold of James' head and shoved it down further, Henderson coming alive to take command.

"Fuck, James. You are so good at that."

Letting go with a popping noise, Diamond grinned up at him. "I try. Hi, there."

"Mmm, hello." He dragged James up for a kiss, groaning into his mouth. "Where are we?"

"On the way to the store. I got horny and couldn't wait, so I made you come out."

"Not complaining." Glancing around at their surroundings, Henderson spied an alley that would do the trick. "Let me get us somewhere."

Diamond didn't wait, though, mouth returning to its task while Henderson hissed. "Fuck yeah." He drove slowly across a parking lot, guiding the car around a business that was closed before shutting it off and tipping his seat back. "Just like that, fuck I missed you."

Diamond's response was to suck harder, followed by a moan when Henderson used a hand to shove him further down. "If I choke you, let me know."

A sound of assent caused vibrations all along Henderson's cock, bringing a desperate cry from him. "Need to fuck you, why are we in a car? Why couldn't you do this at home?"

Pulling off to answer, Diamond replied, "Couldn't wait. You gave me this look and I couldn't control it, needed to be alone with you."

"Mmm, if that's all it takes..." Diamond's mouth was busy again when Henderson frowned. "Wait a minute. Wait." He dragged James' head up.

"I don't want to wait," Diamond whined.

"It wasn't me. I didn't give you any kind of look, that would've been Mitchell. Are you saying it was Mitchell that got you this way?"

Guilt mixed with a little bit of terror at the idea of pissing Henderson off colored Diamond's reply. "I can't help it sometimes. He looks just like you, and when he's horny it's hard to control myself."

"How often is he horny?"

"He's not, that's the thing. It never happens, so when it did today...I don't know. I needed you."

"But if he hadn't switched over, would you have stopped?"

James couldn't answer that, eyes fearful.

Henderson nodded slowly, letting that sink in. There was jealousy, so strong it cut him to the core, but in addition to that there was relief, as well. "I have the same problem with Maslow. Sometimes it's hard to tell you two apart and if I'm in the moment, I don't know that I'll be able to stop." Taking in a million conflicting emotions on Diamond's face, Henderson knew he was about to be overwhelmed with feelings. "At least finish this before you go." Once again, sex was all he could count on with Diamond. He refused to let it make him sad, shoving Diamond's face down again.

Nothing happened at first, Henderson wondering if Diamond had switched over, but then he was sheathed to the base and he gasped as tongue and lips worked him over expertly. "Holy fuck, just like that. Holy fuck!"

His fingers wound themselves into James' hair, not for control but because they needed somewhere to be, something to hold onto; James was a pro at this. Henderson had a moment where he thought of the disapproving look Mitchell would give him for both unplanned car sex and the lack of protection, but then his mind wasn't able to function past the action going on below. James was relentless in his assault, head bobbing in a perfect rhythm until Henderson tightened his grip to hold James' head in place and fucked up into the heat repeatedly. James took it, fingers digging into Henderson's thighs as he choked slightly but didn't fight the attack, ready when Henderson exploded in his mouth and swallowing until he could draw breath.

Henderson's hand became soothing then, petting the soft chestnut hair as James rested his cheek against Henderson's thigh.

"Damn, Diamond. That was...wow. Where the fuck did you learn that? We're doing that again."

Licking his lips, James lifted his gaze up to meet Henderson's. "We have a problem," he said softly.

Taking in the expression, Henderson realized what the problem was before James' next words; it was in his eyes, in the way he stared at Henderson.

"I'm not Diamond."

XXXX


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Author's notes:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

Maslow and Henderson keep mentioning this "Internet chick." I want you to know she's real, I learned a lot watching her vlog, and when I wrote myself into a corner on this, it was her experiences that helped me figure out a way to get out of it. What she has created in her mind is ingenious. She has like 30 personalities or something and manages to live with all of them. It's the most fascinating thing I've ever seen in my life, and if you want to know more about her, she's OurPeanutGallerie on YouTube. I changed the name when I referred to her in an earlier chapter, but she is my inspiration for getting them to communicate with each other directly—which isn't easy. Our boys are working on that, and the more time they spend on the problem the closer they get to solving it. :)

**NOTE:** At the suggestion of **waterwicca**, I decided to use italics for any words/actions related to what's happening on video. It's not so bad when there's one person watching a video, but when you add more people to it, it tends to get a little confusing. So from this point forward, anything in italics while there's a video playing is what's happening on the video the characters are watching.

Thank you **Aranelle** and **waterwicca** for their suggestions and feedback. It cuts down on the confusion when dealing with two versions of the same two people.

And I've fallen behind on replying to reviews. Working on that, a little each day. Thanks for being patient, I really do love reading all of them. :)

Dedicating this chapter to the anonymous person on Tumblr from another country who begged me to update tonight because she's having a bad day. Big hug to you, and I hope it gets better!

* * *

Henderson drove aimlessly, ready for Maslow to complain about the volume of the radio but he never did. Instead he held his silence, the two of them deep in their thoughts, until Henderson pulled into a church parking lot.

"I'm not going to your church."

"Relax, I'm not going to make you." Henderson parked the car and stepped out, feet carrying him away from the main building.

"Where are you going?" Maslow closed the door behind him, unsure if he should leave Henderson alone or follow. "We need to talk."

"I'm just walking. Stay or go, I don't care."

Maslow went, though it hurt that Henderson didn't even care whether he was around or not. Hands in pockets, they walked side by side toward a grassy area with a well-worn trail leading to a copse of trees.

"You haven't apologized," Henderson finally stated.

"Would you like me to?"

"You apologize for everything; it's something I've noticed about you, you're constantly apologizing. But not this time."

Maslow chewed on his lip nervously, then admitted, "That's because I'm not sorry. I should be, but I'm not."

Henderson nodded. "And that's the problem. I'm not either. I think it's mostly because of what Diamond said to me before he disappeared. He admitted that Mitchell got him horny."

"Seriously? I thought he hated Mitchell."

"Apparently they've bonded. Quite a bit, from what I can tell."

Kicking a rock as he walked, Maslow replied, "I'm not sure how I feel about that. I've been working so hard not to fall for you. For Mitchell's sake, you know? Because he's...I can't even explain it. I don't understand it myself. How is it possible to feel so much for someone you just met?"

"I don't know," Henderson sighed. "But it sucks. All I want is time to talk to the guy, and instead I always get sex. I guess that's my purpose, that's the whole reason I was created, but I can't help wanting more. With him it's always out of reach. With you it's not. It's right here, you're right here when I need to talk or need to be loved and I want it to be him, I want him to hold me but he's never there. The second we're done fucking, he's gone. How am I supposed to resist you when you give me what I need from him?"

"Exactly. You give me what I can't get from Mitchell. I'm only human, I crave sex as well as love, and even though it's him I want that with, I can't get close enough to make it happen. You show up instead. This time I couldn't stop, I knew it was you but when I showed up Diamond was already turned on, our body was already craving it, and your dick was in my face and...how am I supposed to turn away from that?"

They were deeper in the woods now, neither paying much attention to their surroundings except to note they seemed to be alone.

"I don't know what to do anymore," Henderson confessed. "I want him. I want you. If I could blend you two into one person, it would be the perfect man. He needs me, needs someone to take care of him and I want to be that person. He wants me to be, wants us to be more than what we are. I want that, too. But there's always you, and you show up to give me what he can't."

"Do you think it's possible they're feeling the same things? You said Mitchell turned Diamond on, right?"

"Yeah, but it sounded like something that doesn't happen often. He forced me out this time, attacked Mitchell from what I gathered."

"What happened to make _me_ come out? I didn't make that happen on my own this time."

"We started talking about his feelings for Mitchell. I told him I have a similar problem with you, and it got his feelings stirred up. I watched his face, knew it was coming, and didn't want to lose him so I distracted him with more sex."

"Not soon enough, though, because I showed up to finish the job. Literally."

"Yeah, that was...seriously, James. Where did you learn that?"

Maslow stopped walking, hunching over slightly and kicking a tree. "My step-dad."

Henderson froze. "Your...what?"

"That's why I exist at all. His step-dad used to rape him. Forced him to do all kinds of things. He couldn't handle it, invented me to talk to because nobody believed him. Eventually I took the pain for him, took control whenever he was scared or upset. I got him through." When Henderson continued to stare in shock, Maslow said, "Don't judge us. You don't know what it's like."

"I'm not, I'm just...I didn't know. I'm sorry."

"I don't know how much Mitchell knows, so keep that between us. He's ashamed of it, ashamed that he craves it now."

Henderson suddenly looked like he wanted to scream, but it was out of frustration more than anything else. "It's not fair. I want _him_ to talk to me about this stuff, I want to be the one who comforts him, but he won't let me. He runs away every time. Even if I could somehow make him come out now, he'd take off as soon as we started talking about it. All I want is to be there for him."

For the first time looking as if a wall had crumbled, Maslow said in a tiny voice, "You can be here for me."

It hit Henderson then, the knowledge that Maslow had lived through the same horrors. He had, in fact, suffered more because he hadn't run from it but taken the brunt of the abuse. He pulled Maslow into his arms, holding him tight and rocking him as Maslow clung to him because for the first time he had someone to lean on.

"You can cry if you need to, I won't tell anyone."

"I don't, I just need...this."

"Right here." Henderson kissed Maslow's temple before sliding down to the ground, leaning against the tree and pulling Maslow onto his lap. Somehow it worked, Maslow's long legs bending to fit him tighter into the embrace while Henderson rubbed his back and nuzzled his hair. "If you want to talk, I can listen, too."

"I know. Thanks."

But Maslow didn't talk. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the simple contact. Diamond had experienced plenty of physical contact, but it was new for Maslow outside of painful memories from childhood. Perhaps that was why he'd responded so well to Mitchell, who offered it even though it was obviously out of his comfort zone. When Henderson tilted his chin up, Maslow allowed it, meeting the soft kisses that were about more than sex. "I thought I told you to stop doing that," he whispered, going right back to the kissing when he was done speaking.

"I notice you're not fighting me," Henderson replied, teeth tugging at Maslow's bottom lip before returning to the lighter kisses.

"I don't know how to."

They sat in the grove kissing and doing nothing more, hands for once still other than a few caresses to hair or a face.

"I shouldn't be doing this," Maslow finally said as he laid his head on Henderson's shoulder. "He claimed me. He's got dibs. And I think maybe I love him. How is that possible?"

"He may have dibs, but there's a reason he turned into me earlier with Diamond. You can't tell me they haven't kissed."

"What if it was something where Mitchell thought he was me? I wouldn't put it past Diamond to pretend just for a little making out."

Henderson suddenly laughed, hugging Maslow closer. "Actually, it was Mitchell who pulled that. Diamond told me about it, he was pissed."

"What? Mitchell did that?"

"Yep. I guess he needed a way to get Diamond talking or something, but yeah. He's the one who's a little sneak."

"I didn't think he had it in him," Maslow grinned. "You two really did gang up on us."

"Whatever works. Can I kiss you some more?"

"No. I'm sorry, but...no. It has to stop until we all figure this out."

"Okay." Henderson sighed, still not ready to end the moment and surprised when Maslow's lips found his again. "I thought-"

"Shut up. Don't make me talk about it."

Maslow shifted around until he was facing Henderson, straddling his lap and comfortable before diving in for another kiss. This one got a little more heated, Henderson unable to keep from grinding his hips upward.

"I said kiss," Maslow hissed, fingers digging into Henderson's shoulders.

"You also said no talking," Henderson reminded him, hands at his waist to hold him in place.

"Henderson, fuck. I didn't mean...I mean..." Maslow was having a tough time focusing, Henderson's hips working on him like magic.

"What exactly _did_ you mean then?" Now Henderson was thrusting in earnest, rubbing them together in a way that had Maslow responding automatically.

"Okay, wait. Just wait." Breaking free, Maslow stood and braced his hand against a nearby tree and fought for control. "We have to stop now. No more of this until we talk to them, find out what's going on. I feel like I'm cheating on him."

"Yeah, I know. I do too, it's just..."

"I know," Maslow agreed, understanding completely how hard it was to fight against someone who looked exactly like the man of your dreams. "If I spent more time with him this would be easier. Instead I spend it all with you."

"Exactly." Standing up, Henderson brushed off his pants. "That's my point-when I want him, I always get you. How do we resist each other?" When Maslow didn't answer, Henderson said, "Well, I have no idea how long we'll be around, but you want to hang out for the afternoon? I think they were on the way to buy groceries. We could do that for them until one of them comes back."

"Or both of them. But yeah, that sounds nice. Just make sure to get some sweets for Diamond or he'll never forgive us."

"Don't worry, I got Diamond covered," Henderson grinned. He held out a hand, and Maslow took it as they walked back over the trail toward the parking lot. "I wonder if I get to enjoy dinner tonight or if he'll be back by then."

"You could always cook up some of those fajitas you were talking about teaching Mitchell to make. Maybe I'll get lucky and end up sticking around to enjoy them."

"I think that sounds perfect."

They smiled at each other, falling more in love despite of their resolve to do just the opposite.

* * *

Maslow helped Henderson prepare dinner. He'd kicked in money at the store so that they were able to buy enough food to last them at least a week, waving away Henderson's protests with "My mom's rich. Let her money go to a good cause for once."

There were many questions Henderson wanted to ask about James' mother, but he decided they could wait.

"How are we going to talk all this over with them?" he asked while frying up a pan of seasoned chicken and beef with onions and peppers. "We can make a video but who knows when they'll watch it and when we'll get a response? This is all so frustrating, why can't we be like that chick and switch back and forth on command?"

"Maybe we just need practice," Maslow answered, putting together homemade salsa from instructions Henderson had written down. "Do you think if we emailed her or something she might get back to us? We could ask how she does it."

"That's not a bad idea."

"If I could figure out how to do the mirror thing, that would help, too."

"It worked the other day. Wait, that was today. Time is so fucked up anymore."

"I know. I can't believe it was just last night we were sitting in your bed researching. And yet I can, because it feels like we got here in the blink of an eye. But now we know he can hear us, or at least me. If I want him to."

"Or is it all the time? Maybe he was aware while we were making out in the woods." The thought was unwelcome, Henderson grimacing. "He'd be devastated. I don't know what to do, James. How can I be totally faithful to him when he's not even around?"

"I feel the same way about Mitchell. He asked you not to touch me but is he keeping his hands off Diamond?"

Henderson smirked. "I don't know how anyone could keep their hands off Diamond. He screams sex."

"But Mitchell's afraid of sex. If anyone can do it, he can."

"But_ is_ he? I mean, you _are_ wearing his shirt."

"Am I?" Glancing down at himself, Maslow frowned. "Huh. So at some point Diamond put on Mitchell's shirt? What the hell does that mean?"

"That's what I'm saying, we have to ask."

"Do you want to do a video for him?"

Henderson shrugged. "I guess I should. By the time we finish dinner, though, it'll probably be too late."

"I don't know, we managed to stay in control until bedtime last night. Think we can do it again?"

"I think we're gonna try," Henderson smiled.

A shrill sound rang through the air, Maslow frowning. "Mom. I forgot I told her I might be home tonight." Maslow pulled out his phone and put it on speaker after setting it on the counter. "Hey, Mom."

"Which of my darling angels am I speaking to this time?" a sarcastic voice asked.

"This is Maslow. Did you talk to him earlier?"

"Yes, and he hung up on me, the little shit. I expect that behavior from you, not him. What's going on?"

"We're moving out. Probably tomorrow."

"You're what?"

"Moving out. We're going to live with our friend Logan."

After a long silence where they began to think she'd hung up, she asked, "Is Logan from the center?"

"The center?"

"The meetings, James. Don't be dense."

Henderson's head swung over to the phone and he opened his mouth, Maslow lifting up a hand to stay him. "I'm not stupid, Mother. Don't forget I didn't even know about the meetings until last week. He always goes to them."

"That's because he's the real person here, James. The sooner you leave my son alone, the sooner he'll return to a normal life. You're not welcome here."

Henderson stepped closer to the phone, Maslow physically holding him back this time. "It's a good thing I'm moving out then, isn't it? _Mother._"

"When are you coming home?"

"I don't really know. I'm staying at Logan's again tonight."

"Until Diamond takes over and comes running back to me."

Smiling over at Henderson, Maslow said, "You know something? I don't think that's gonna happen this time. See you tomorrow."

"James-"

"Bye, Mom." Maslow reached out to end the call.

"One good reason I shouldn't take a sledgehammer to your mother's head?" Henderson questioned.

"Because Diamond would never forgive me for letting you get yourself arrested. Taste this."

Henderson leaned over from the stove, mouth opening for the spoonful of salsa. "More cilantro. It's good, though. Nice job."

"Thanks, I had a great teacher." Chopping up more of the leafy green, Maslow added, "Mitchell thinks we should handle the move. Gang up on Mom, so to speak."

"She didn't argue when you mentioned moving out. I expected her to."

"That's because she thinks she'll talk Diamond out of it. He usually gives in to her. I think his need for you will win out this time, though."

"I can hope. That should do it," he said with a nod toward the bowl James was working on. "It's better if we let it sit, but who's got time for that?"

"Not us, that's for sure. I wish there was a way the four of us could sit down and have a talk together. At the same time, you know?"

"Yeah. That's why we have to figure out open communication. For now I guess we can stick with videos."

"I'm still scared Diamond will find a way to get rid of me for good."

Henderson gave him a smile, reaching out to pull him close enough for a kiss. "Don't worry about that. Mitchell and I won't allow him to."

Maslow leaned in for another kiss, asking softly, "So I can stay another night?"

"You can stay forever."

It was dinner almost burning that finally brought an end to their kisses.

* * *

Henderson sat before the laptop, wondering where to even begin. Would Mitchell still want to work with him once he knew Henderson had gone against his wishes regarding Maslow? Had he sealed his own fate by giving in?

Maslow poked his head in. "I just got off the phone with Mom again. She said to have Diamond call her when he's back, so if you're still around then could you pass that on?"

"Sure. You okay?"

"Fine. Just waiting for the inevitable, you know? I had such a great time with you and I don't want it to end."

"I know. We'll meet up again," Henderson smiled.

Maslow approached to press a kiss to his lips. "You're gonna tell him?"

"I have to. The guilt is eating me alive."

"Me, too. Just let him know I love him? That I'm confused but my feelings for him haven't changed?"

Smirking, Henderson commented, "I thought it was too soon for love."

"I don't really know what it is," Maslow confessed. "But it feels like what I imagined love does."

"Yeah. Thanks for tonight."

"Glad I got to spend time with you. I'll put away dinner."

Knowing it was Maslow's way of giving him time alone, Henderson nodded. "Thanks. I always appreciate not having to clean up."

"I kind of figured, seeing as you're his opposite."

Still Maslow hovered, Henderson finally asking, "Was there something you wanted to say to him?"

"No, I just..." He hesitated, staring down at the computer before meeting Henderson's eyes. "I don't want this day to end. I feel like as soon as I walk out of here, I'm gone. He's already fighting to come back, I can feel it."

"Try to hold him off until I finish this?"

"I will." Suddenly taking a seat next to Henderson, Maslow started the recording. "Hey, you. I miss you. The time we spent together today was short, but it was perfect. I can't wait to see you again. Please remember that when he talks to you, that nothing between us has changed. If I could hold you right now, I would. I'm sorry."

After a deep breath, Maslow stood and walked out of the room with his head down. Henderson knew his feelings were out of control right now, so let him go. Instead he turned to the screen. "Well. Hi. It's been a long day, hasn't it? I don't think we've ever switched back and forth so much in one day. I'm not sure what it means, but I know what's causing it. That guy right there. Both of them, I suppose. They came out of nowhere and turned our lives more upside down than they already were. I don't even know where to start, Mitchell, but I hope you can forgive me. I'd hate to lose my other half so soon after meeting you."

Henderson paused briefly to gather his thoughts.

"Although I guess I should be the one worried about disappearing for good. If there's a way to make that happen, you'd figure it out. I told you once, though, that you need me. Especially now that you've got a guy in your life, your hormones are gonna get all crazy and when you can't handle it, I will. I get the fun stuff."

There was a wink, but the grin died as he continued. "But the fun stuff isn't everything. It might surprise you to know that what I want most is to talk to Diamond for a while. I want to get to know him. That hasn't been possible, because he keeps running. Every time we get close to him opening up, he runs. Maslow goes through the same thing with you, he wants to take things further physically but we know what happens when you guys start to. I'm sure he's willing to wait, but he can't help wanting it. You can't really blame the guy for that."

Spying his hat on the desk, Henderson plucked it up and shoved it down over his head. He seemed to take comfort in that, sitting up straighter and bracing himself.

"The problem is that when I need someone to talk to, Maslow's here. When he needs someone to fuck, I'm here. I'm not saying we fucked, we haven't. But there's been some physical stuff and we both feel like assholes for giving in to it but to be fair, we didn't always know who we were kissing or whatever. He would switch over and I wouldn't know and think I was with Diamond, and you can't understand this but it's really fucking hard to just stop when you're turned on. Ask Diamond about it sometime, he can tell you. I mean, you're right in the moment and ready for action and it's like somebody yelling 'Cut!' and how do you just turn it off? As soon as we'd figure it out we would stop, at least in the beginning. It's getting harder, though, because..."

The hat was yanked off and tossed aside, Henderson's elbow resting on the desk as he ran a hand through his hair in agitation. "The truth is I'm falling for him. I'm falling for Maslow. I didn't want to, we were perfect buddies, but the more time we spend together and the more 'accidents' we have with mistaken identity, it's getting impossible to not have feelings for him. You get it, you know how amazing he is. How can I not love him?"

There was a noise to Henderson's left, something that sounded like a sob, and his head swung over to find Maslow watching him. Except...the expression was horrified, tears clouding bright hazel eyes, and just before his face changed, Henderson understood that it was Diamond and he'd heard the confession about Maslow.

"No. Shit. No. Diamond!"

Henderson shot out of his chair and gripped Diamond's shoulders, staring wildly down at him. "Don't go, talk to me, let me explain-"

James blinked a few times, stepping back. "What happened? I blacked out and now I'm crying. Why is Diamond crying?"

Despair tore at Henderson's heart as he stared down into Maslow's eyes. He wanted to scream in frustration. "Because I just broke his heart. He's running again, and I don't know how to find him."

Stepping into the room to see the video still recording, Maslow put together what must've happened. "Shit. Why can't we just be normal?"

Shaking his head, Henderson did something he'd never done before. He started to cry.

* * *

After shutting off the video, Maslow led Henderson to the bed and sat against the headboard, pulling Henderson between his legs and holding him close. It was strange as he'd done just this earlier in the day with Mitchell; it was the same body but the energy was different, Henderson had a different feel to him.

"I'm sorry, I tried to keep him away. I knew he was fighting me, kept feeling like I was gonna faint but I wouldn't sit down, I kept walking and fighting it. He's stronger than I thought."

"It's not your fault." Wiping his face on Maslow's shoulder, Henderson burrowed deeper into the embrace. "He's so fragile, there was no time to prepare him. Mitchell's going to flip out, too."

"But he can deal with feelings. He'll be hurt and angry, but we'll be able to talk it out. Diamond...you may never get anywhere with him. I need to find a way to talk to him."

"Shouldn't I be the one to do that?" Henderson questioned. "No offense, but how the fuck do I get him out here? How do I make him stay?"

"You can't. He'll keep running. But he can't run from me, Logan. Once I find him, he can't run."

"So how do we do that? Should we talk to this chick from the Internet? Talk to Mitchell? I can't even talk to Mitchell. Fuck, I hate this!"

"I know," Maslow said softly, lips pressed to Henderson's hair. "I hate it, too. Maybe we can piss him off again like we did earlier. Make him come out, and this time I'll let him stay."

"Is that going to work, though? The thought of me kissing you isn't going to make him mad, this time it'll just hurt and he won't want to come out."

Maslow sighed, knowing Henderson was right. "I don't know what to do. Mitchell would know. How do I get Mitchell out here?"

Henderson shrugged, at a loss. "I only know how to make him leave. Who knows how to do the opposite?"

Once again Maslow sighed, head leaned back against the board. "Is there a way to piss _him_off? It worked with Diamond, maybe it'll work with him."

Henderson considered that, then smirked. "Maybe I should have unprotected sex. Or rob a bank."

They both laughed, the levity refreshing after so much sadness and frustration. "He's adorable," Maslow smiled. "That might actually work."

"Yeah?" With a raised eyebrow, Henderson turned to Maslow and asked, "You up for the unprotected sex, or would you rather help me rob a bank?"

"Shut up." Smacking his chest lightly, Maslow grinned. "How else can we piss him off?"

"Fuck in his car?"

"Stop it! We're not having sex!"

Shrugging, Henderson shot back, "It was worth a try. But I could trash the place. Wait." He sat up straight as it came to him. "I know what to do."

"What?"

"It'll only work if he can hear me, but it's worth a try." Rising from the bed, Henderson moved to the desk and started clicking the laptop, looking for something. "I remember seeing this before, I was trying to figure out what it was because I didn't remember doing it."

Maslow placed his hands on Henderson's shoulders from behind, leaning down for a better look. "What is it?"

"Some huge project he's putting together for a class. In his notebook it says this is like 80% of his grade. I'm going to erase it."

"What? Logan, don't. Please don't, that's not right."

"I'll make a copy of it first, but he doesn't have to know that. Let's see...here we go." With a huge grin, Henderson opened the document before saving a second copy under the same name but adding a "2" to it. "There. See? Just like the first."

"I don't know if this will work, dude. I doubt he's aware of anything when he's under."

"One way to find out." Henderson rubbed his hands together, wondering how to begin.

"Wait!" Maslow yelled suddenly.

"What?"

"You didn't say goodbye."

Henderson glanced up to meet Maslow's gaze, melting a little inside. "You really are so romantic."

"I thought I was pathetic."

"Maybe a little of both," Henderson conceded, reaching up to pull Maslow closer for an awkwardly-positioned kiss. "It's different when it's about me."

Maslow smiled, going in for one last kiss. "I'll miss you. Thanks for dinner."

"It was my pleasure. Thanks for the blow job."

Blushing, Maslow shoved him. "Shut up. Though that was my pleasure, too."

"Glad to hear it. And Maslow?"

"Yeah."

"I'll miss you, too. Get Mitchell to fix this."

"I'll do my best."

Henderson faced the laptop again and took a deep breath. "Okay. Let's do this."

XXXXX


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Author's notes:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

**NOTE:** At the suggestion of **waterwicca**, I decided to use italics for any words/actions related to what's happening on video. It's not so bad when there's one person watching a video, but when you add more people to it, it tends to get a little confusing. So from this point forward, anything in italics while there's a video playing is what's happening on the video the characters are watching.

Thank you **Aranelle, waterwicca, **and** jdmazz **for the beta. It cuts down on the confusion when dealing with two versions of the same two people.

A few notes about this chapter. I repeated the video that you read when Henderson made it, and hopefully it's not too boring for that. I wasn't originally going to include it in the previous chapter, but it was necessary to explain Diamond's reaction and disappearance. In this chapter you get Mitchell and Maslow watching it.

Secondly, in my world it's not a bad thing for guys to cry. I know a lot of people feel differently, that it emasculates them in fic, but I write what I feel. If the character feels the need to cry, I'm going to let him. That's just me.

And I know it feels like things are so back-and-forth and crazy right now, but I promise it will settle down. They're learning slowly how to get a handle on all of this. Once they do, things will settle.

* * *

Speaking more loudly than was necessary, Henderson affected an irritated tone. "What the fuck is this? All this stupid school shit, I can't find anything on his computer. Mitchell, do we really need all this? I don't think so."

Maslow watched his face carefully, having deposited himself on the corner of the desk. "Henderson, what are you doing? I think that stuff's important to Mitchell."

"I don't give a fuck! This is my house too, my computer! Mitchell can't hear me anyway, right? By the time he gets back out here it'll be too late. I'll wipe everything. Let's start with this, look at all the space it's taking up! I could be saving porn right now."

Stifling a laugh, Maslow joined in again. "What is that anyway? It looks important."

"I don't care. What's important to Mitchell isn't important to me. Some stupid school thing. 'The Complete Breakdown of the Healthcare System in Urban Societies'? Who fucking cares? I'm getting rid of this."

"Henderson, don't delete it! Mitchell would flip!"

"Don't care. You see this, Mitchell? Say goodbye. Done sharing my computer with a nerd who's so smart but can't even handle a simple hand job." His fingers moved the cursor to the document, dragging it to the little trash can icon on the screen. "Now to delete it from-"

The words died, Maslow leaning forward to stare into Henderson's face. His eyes were closed as if he was thinking really hard, but Maslow knew it had worked. When brown eyes opened and blinked a few times, it was followed quickly by panic. "No! Henderson, no, don't! James, don't let him! That's my entire grade!"

Maslow's reply was a slow smile. "Hi. Missed you."

"He can't...did he already...I saw him put that in the trash, if that asshole-"

"You saw it?" Maslow asked in awe.

"Yes!" Clicking on the little trash bin, Mitchell opened it to recover the document. "Asshole, he is so lucky I showed up or I would've murdered him. Wait, who are you? I can't even tell anymore."

"It's me. Maslow."

"Hey." Distracted, Mitchell muttered, "I can't trust him, what was I thinking?"

"Yes, you can. He did it on purpose. We brought you out because we need your help. Can't believe it worked."

"On purpose?" Logan echoed indignantly. "He messed with me on purpose?"

"He had to, Logan. It was the only way we could think of to force you out because Diamond still won't tell us how to communicate."

"That's low. Next time I talk to him, he's getting an earful. He'll be lucky if I ever let him out again, I'll find a way to-"

"Logan! Stop. You're missing the point here."

Looking up and finally taking in the beautiful face staring down at him, Logan relaxed slightly. "What's the point?"

"You saw through his eyes. You actually _saw_what he was seeing. I haven't been able to do that with Diamond since I was a kid."

The words sank in slowly, Mitchell understanding the implications. "We're getting closer. If I can hear him and see what he's seeing..."

"Then we can talk to each other. Maybe. How did you do it?"

"I don't know. I felt this tug, like he was calling me. Like I was in the back room of a house and he was calling me. I went toward it and I could hear him, then there was this...window? It was like looking through a window and I could see. I saw what was in his vision. I even saw your leg, it was in the corner of the window but it was there. Maslow...I was asleep and he kept saying my name and it woke me up. I heard him!"

Grinning brightly, Maslow leaned in for a kiss. "You're so cute when you're excited. It's just so good to see you."

Mitchell's cheeks flushed. "You, too. I went running when Diamond tried to blow me. That uh...didn't go well."

"Is that how he got rid of you? Good to know. I'll put that on my list of things not to do."

Not missing the disappointment in Maslow's voice, Mitchell lifted a hand to link with his. "I'm going to try working on it. I know it sounds like I'm working against the goal here, but uh...Diamond and I were talking and if you two allow it, we can help each other."

"Help each other how?" Maslow asked suspiciously.

"I'm going to ease him into facing his feelings. Talks, maybe a little cuddling at night. Show him not everything has to be about sex."

"I see. And how would he repay the favor?"

"Well...um...I'd rather it was you but um..." Cheeks flaming now, Mitchell couldn't meet his eyes. "I get more time with him and really, you would be reaping the benefits. It would help Henderson too because Diamond might stick around longer after sex and wow, this all sounded a lot better when Diamond suggested it. Now it sounds...wrong."

Maslow studied Mitchell in silence, not letting his feelings show even when he said, "Are you saying you want to make out with him? Maybe go a little further?"

"It's not a matter of want. I mean, there's a small, miniscule part of me that's attracted to him but I think it's more because he reminds me of you and...this is such a mess, James. I don't even know what I want. I'm sorry."

Maslow slid off the desk, turning to take the chair next to Mitchell and sliding an arm around him. "There's something you need to see. I don't know how far he got, but it was far enough to send Diamond running."

"What happened?"

"A lot's happened. I'm not sure where to begin, so I'm going to let Henderson do the talking. Just...watch. And know that I love you."

Maslow loved him? That wasn't something to be upset about, why did he sound so apologetic? "What is it?"

"A video Henderson made for you."

With dread in his stomach, Mitchell watched.

* * *

_Once again it was the two of them, his alter ego and Maslow sitting next to each other like best buddies. Maslow began with, "Hey, you. I miss you. The time we spent together today was short, but it was perfect. I can't wait to see you again. Please remember that when he talks to you, that nothing between us has changed. If I could hold you right now, I would. I'm sorry."_  
_  
_The words felt like a foreboding. Nothing between himself and Maslow had changed, but something between Henderson and Maslow certainly had.

_After a deep breath, Maslow stood and moved out of range. Henderson watched him go before turning to the screen._ _"Well. Hi. It's been a long day, hasn't it? I don't think we've ever switched back and forth so much in one day. I'm not sure what it means, but I know what's causing it. That guy right there. Both of them, I suppose. They came out of nowhere and turned our lives more upside down than they already were. I don't even know where to start, Mitchell, but I hope you can forgive me. I'd hate to lose my other half so soon after meeting you."_

Mitchell closed his eyes, stomach dropping. He knew what had happened. Maslow reached out for his hand, but Mitchell couldn't bring himself to return the grip; Maslow's hand squeezed anyway.

_"Although I guess I should be the one worried about disappearing for good. If there's a way to make that happen, you'd figure it out. I told you once, though, that you need me. Especially now that you've got a guy in your life, your hormones are gonna get all crazy and when you can't handle it, I will. I get the fun stuff."_

_There was a wink, but the grin died as he continued. "But the fun stuff isn't everything. It might surprise you to know that what I want most is to talk to Diamond for a while. I want to get to know him. That hasn't been possible, because he keeps running. Every time we get close to him opening up, he runs. Maslow goes through the same thing with you, he wants to take things further physically but we know what happens when you guys start to. I'm sure he's willing to wait, but he can't help wanting it. You can't really blame the guy for that."_

No, Logan couldn't. He knew it must be hard on Maslow, because even the small amount of physical interaction he'd shared with Diamond got to him in a way he didn't like. He could only imagine what it must be like for Maslow, who had experienced sex and knew what it could feel like.

Still, the thought of Henderson and Maslow in bed together turned his stomach.

"Please don't hate me," Maslow whispered, tightening his grip. "I need you."

When Mitchell glanced at the screen again, Henderson was wearing his hat. He seemed to take comfort in that, sitting up straighter and bracing himself.

_"The problem is that when I need someone to talk to, Maslow's here. When he needs someone to fuck, I'm here. I'm not saying we fucked, we haven't. But there's been some physical stuff and we both feel like assholes for giving in to it but to be fair, we didn't always know who we were kissing or whatever. He would switch over and I wouldn't know and think I was with Diamond, and you can't understand this but it's really fucking hard to just stop when you're turned on. Ask Diamond about it sometime, he can tell you. I mean, you're right in the moment and ready for action and it's like somebody yelling "Cut!" and how do you just turn it off? As soon as we'd figure it out we would stop, at least in the beginning. It's getting harder, though, because..."_

Maslow paused the video. "Say something. Please, Logan, talk to me."

"What am I supposed to say? Everything he says makes sense. How can I hate you for it?"

"But you're hurt."

Nodding slowly, Mitchell kept his gaze on the laptop. "Wouldn't you be? If it was me and Diamond?"

"Yeah. I would be."

"Then don't expect me not to be."

"I don't, Logan, I just...I understand that you're hurt. But try to put yourself in my shoes. Every time we get close-"

"I know, okay? I get it. It's my own fault this happened, because I can't take it past a few kisses." When Maslow didn't argue, Logan continued. "I get kissing someone else who looks just like me and having feelings suddenly erupt. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to Diamond. It's natural."

"Okay. Just don't hate me for it, don't push me away. I can't help my feelings for him, we spend all our time together."

"I know. Trust me, I know. But I don't have to be happy about it." Mitchell started the video again with his free hand, watching Henderson throw the hat aside and run a hand through his hair.

_"The truth is I'm falling for him. I'm falling for Maslow. I didn't want to, we were perfect buddies, but the more time we spend together and the more 'accidents' we have with mistaken identity, it's getting impossible to not have feelings for him. You get it, you know how amazing he is. How can I not love him?"_

Mitchell understood then. When Henderson asked the question like that, he couldn't help but understand. Looking over at Maslow, seeing this beautiful man who had opened his own heart in a way no one ever had, he knew exactly what Henderson was feeling. How could anyone not love Maslow?

"I'm sorry," Maslow whispered. "If there was a way I could-"

Mitchell shook his head, silencing Maslow with a sad look. "I get it. I-"

A cry of "Diamond! Shit, no, Diamond!" had Mitchell's attention on the screen again, but Henderson had disappeared. "What happened?"

"Diamond heard him. I don't know how much, but he heard enough. He ran and we don't know how to reach him now."

Staring at Maslow open-mouthed, Mitchell then glanced around the room as if Diamond would be standing there. "He's been gone ever since? When did this happen?"

"Like...not even an hour ago. We didn't know what to do so we went to get you instead."

Logan could only imagine the pain and betrayal Diamond must have felt. "What were you guys thinking? Do you know how far he's come, how much he's opened up to me? I may never get that back now! Even if I manage to get him out, he won't trust me. He won't trust anyone. I can't believe you guys did this!"

"We didn't do it on purpose! I tried to fight him off, knew he was close but I couldn't-"

"Then you should've warned Henderson and stopped the recording! How could you even risk breaking his heart like that? If I've lost him forever, I swear to God I will-"

"Wow, really?" Maslow interrupted, standing to shove the chair back. "And I was feeling guilty for falling in love with Henderson? You might as well just gang up with him and send me away for good, because obviously his feelings are more important to you."

"What?" Spinning the chair around to face Maslow, he argued, "James, I didn't say that but-"

"You might as well have. You're more upset over the fact that he's hurt than you are I fell for someone else."

"That's not true, don't even turn this around on me. I'm just as upset by you and Henderson doing whatever you did but this is the priority right now. He's in agony, back to thinking he's not worth loving. The one person in his life he's ever believed he might have a future with betrayed him, James! I get it, I know how that happened and I understand, because who could resist you? You're amazing. But _he_doesn't understand, all he knows is the only man in the world he trusted betrayed him! He may never come back out!"

"Then find a way to get him! That's why you're here, it's why we called you. Take care of your precious Diamond, who by the way trusts you way more than he does Henderson if he can open up like that. Did he tell you about his stepfather?"

"Yes. He told me a lot."

"And that's my point. You two might as well just get rid of us for good so you can live happily ever after."

Watching Maslow's hands gesturing as he talked, seeing the level of agitation, it finally hit Mitchell. "You're jealous."

"Of course I'm jealous!" Maslow roared, spinning to stare down at Mitchell. "He gets so much time with you, gets to have long talks and who knows what else, and is it any wonder I fell for Henderson? I can't have you. I never will, not the way I want to. I don't even fucking exist, Logan! What kind of life could I possibly have with you? He gets it all, gets everything I ever wanted and it's not fair!"

Logan stood slowly to close the distance. He slid hands up Maslow's chest until they were around his neck, pulling him down to speak quietly. "I care about him a lot. I worry about him. He's become a friend, and there's attraction. But he doesn't hold me the way you do, doesn't make me smile or kiss me in a way that makes me forget how to do simple math. You are the man I would choose to wake up with and sleep with and grab a cup of coffee with between classes. James. You are the man I love."

The look in Maslow's eyes showed Logan his point had been made, hazel melting and suddenly wet. "I love-"

James blinked forcefully, seemingly in pain before he was able to focus on Logan again. The pain was still there, but this time it was in his eyes rather than on his face.

"I know what you said, tried to tell me I'm not a fuck-up and I'm worth something, but even Henderson doesn't believe that now. He knows the truth."

"Diamond!" Relief flooded Mitchell. "Oh, thank God, I was afraid we'd never-"

"Thank you for being a friend when I needed one, and I hope you guys can work out some sort of plan with Maslow. He's not a bad guy, he's just...too perfect. That's the only thing wrong with him."

"James, calm down. Listen to me. Henderson-"

Diamond shut him up with a kiss, shocking Mitchell into silence. He deepened the kiss, doing it the way Mitchell had taught him and melting Mitchell to his toes before pulling back to whisper, "I never really told you this, but I like you. I'm sorry I was such a dick and wasted the time we did have by fighting with you. Take care of Maslow, okay?"

Mitchell was having a tough time thinking clearly after that kiss. "James, hold on, just wait a minute and -"

"Tell Henderson I think I might love him."

His eyes fell closed and his face screwed up. Panic rose in Mitchell, who grabbed his shirt and shook him. "Diamond! Don't you dare run from me, get back here and talk to me, you-"

When the hazel eyes focused on him again, they were confused for a only a moment. Maslow blinked, rubbing his forehead. "Wow. I feel..."

"What? Where did he go? Get him back here, I need to talk to him. James, please!"

Maslow shook his head slowly. "I can't. It feels different, like...empty. Logan, something's wrong. I can't feel him anymore. I don't know where he went!"

"James Diamond, you'd better get your ass out here right now or I will never let you feel me up again!"

The threat did nothing, though, Maslow's eyes full of despair. "He's gone."

* * *

Logan fell to the bed, hands rubbing over his face. He looked up at Maslow wearing his shirt, remembered Diamond's looks of disgust at most of the clothing he'd pulled out of Logan's closet. He'd give anything to have that face back now. "He said-"

"I know what he said. I heard him."

"You did?" Mitchell asked, eyes wide.

"I heard him once before, as whispers. He surprised me this time, I wasn't expecting him, but once I...it was weird. Like being yanked back through a window where I could see and hear but not get out."

"That's what I saw, a window!"

"I know. I think you put that idea in my head. Do you think we can create our own houses, so to speak? Like a place we go when we're...on hiatus?"

"I think the mind is a fascinating thing. It can do pretty much anything."

Maslow nodded slowly, sinking down on the bed next to Mitchell. "So I was in this room, sort of. And listening, watching your face. I think you downplayed your feelings for Diamond to me, Logan."

"What? No, that's...he's not...I love you, okay?"

"I know you do. But I think you love him, too, and while it hurts a little, I can't be mad. And you can't be mad at me for loving Henderson. I mean, technically we're in love with the same two people. Different versions of him."

"It just feels wrong, like I'm cheating. And I'm not in love with him, I just...he's..."

When Logan trailed off, Maslow leaned forward to kiss him softly. "Logan, it's okay. Admit it to yourself. Please, it would make Henderson and I feel a hell of a lot better about this whole thing."

"Fine, I don't know what I'm feeling for Diamond. Happy?"

"It's a step. Now how do we get him back?"

"I have no idea. I can try talking to him but if he doesn't want to be found..." Logan stood up, restless. "I can't believe he did this. The guy spent half his life terrified you would take over and suddenly he just gives up control? What is wrong with him?"

"He's scared," Maslow answered softly. "He finally let himself feel something for someone and he got hurt. He already feels like he's not good enough and then he hears Henderson saying he loves me and it's like all his worst nightmares coming true. There's a reason he runs from feelings. He doesn't do well with pain, both physical and emotional."

"I know that, but he was doing so well. He was willing to let me hold him, James. Willing to try talking about his feelings. That's huge."

Maslow nodded, hands clasped between his knees.

"Can you make him stay? If we get him out, can you force him to stay here long enough for us to talk?"

"I have to find him first."

"Let me work on that. I can talk to Steph, but not until Monday. We still have to get through tomorrow."

"Okay," Maslow nodded. "In the meantime we can focus on the move."

"Do you think he still wants to do it?"

"I think he's going to whether he likes it or not. The person who has the best chance of getting him back is Henderson, so I want to be around him."

"And me. You want to be around me, too, right?"

Maslow grinned. "Yes, Logan. I want to be around you, too. I might actually get to hold you tonight."

Feeling guilty about it, Mitchell smiled. If he knew how to get Diamond back, he would. For now, though, he would have to be satisfied with Maslow's arms around him. "I think I can live with that."

* * *

After shutting up the apartment for the night, Mitchell turned off all the lights and made his way to the bedroom. He was greeted with the sight of a perfect James Maslow in his bed, the covers pulled up to his waist but a broad, muscled chest exposed. His breath left him for a moment, Logan needing to rest a hand on the desk to catch it.

Maslow didn't miss the reaction and grinned. "You gonna make it, or do I have to deal with Henderson again?"

"Hell no, I'm determined to enjoy this. Just...hands to yourself. And the pants stay on." Face draining of color, Logan asked, "You are wearing pants, right?"

"Uh...boxers okay? I can put on sweats if you'd rather."

"No, it's fine. I showered with Diamond, I should be able to handle this. What's wrong with me?"

"Excuse me? You showered with him?"

"It's not as exciting as it sounds, trust me. He barged in and took over. Like he always does." Logan pulled his t-shirt over his head before kneeling next to Maslow on the bed. "Not that I mind!" he said loudly. "Diamond's a pain, but I miss him and wish he would come back!"

"But not until morning!" Maslow called out.

"Stop that!" Logan hissed, smacking Maslow's shoulder.

"I can't help it. I get to sleep with you. I know he's hurting, but he's the one who ran. Let me enjoy my time with you, I never get it."

Shaking his head, Logan reached over to shut off the lamp, leaving them in darkness. He slid his jeans off, nervous now in boxers and nothing else. "Just...take it slow."

"I won't even touch you if you ask me not to. But I hope you don't, because I at least want to hold you."

"I want that, too. It's weird that I'm so nervous with you but with him it would be no big deal."

"I'm hoping that means you care about me and not that you don't."

"Of course I do."

When he slid under the covers, Maslow pulled him close. "Relax. I won't do anything you don't want me to."

"I know. I'm more afraid I'll want you to do things I can't handle. Diamond may be in hiding, but I feel Henderson lurking. He's ready."

Maslow couldn't help but laugh. "Isn't he always? Henderson, if you can hear me, hold off. I need Mitchell for a while. Please."

Logan smiled, lifting his lips for a kiss. "You've got me. I'll stay as long as I can."

Maslow rolled over onto his back, bringing Mitchell with him until he was straddling Maslow's hips. Mitchell made a surprised noise when they rubbed together, eyes closing and breath coming faster.

"Relax," Maslow repeated. "Just kiss me."

He raised up onto his elbows, meeting Logan's lips and loving the hands in his hair. They continued to kiss, Mitchell the one getting more aggressive, which drove Maslow insane as he remembered the feel of that mouth around him.

"Logan," he panted. "Logan, what if you switch over? I don't know if Henderson will stop this time."

They both knew that what Maslow really meant was he didn't know if he'd stop Henderson. Mitchell sat up again, barely able to see Maslow's face in the dark. "It's not fair of me to do this to you. Push you and then expect you to stop every time."

"Would you rather we didn't kiss? If it's too much for you-"

"It's not, but I'm already feeling...heated. And I don't want to stop."

"Then don't. Just let it happen. Don't be afraid, I won't hurt you."

"I know, it's just...when I get anywhere near your...you know."

"My dick?" Maslow asked softly, a tiny smile at his lips.

"Yes," Mitchell blushed. "I don't know why but that triggers him. I feel you under me now and it makes me nervous."

"Okay. Say no more." Maslow rolled them sideways, getting Logan away from his erection. "We can just kiss."

"But I don't want to just kiss," Logan complained, angry with himself. "I want more!"

"You have to decide what's more important. Sticking around or...experimenting. Diamond's not the only one you can practice with, you know."

"Yes, but if I turn into Henderson with Diamond it's no big deal. They'll end up fucking and be happy about it."

Maslow nodded, getting it. "So you're worried we won't stop. Henderson and me."

"I don't know. It's not fair to fool around with Diamond and not let you do the same with Henderson."

"What are you afraid of? Do you think I wouldn't love you?"

Mitchell's silence was answer enough.

"Hey. I care about Henderson a lot. We understand each other and I admit I'm falling for him, but he's not you. He can't give me what you can."

"And I can't give you what he can."

"Then why choose? Why not have it all, Logan? I'm not stupid enough to think Diamond doesn't satisfy some need in you I don't. Maybe it's the caretaker thing, you like that he needs you. I need you too, just in different ways. We're in the same body. You can love us both."

"But he wouldn't feel that way. Diamond wouldn't understand."

"Well, guess what? He's not here right now. He ran away. It was his choice, Logan."

Mitchell considered Maslow's words, weighing everything and trying to figure out the best course to take. Maslow's hand running up his bare chest made the decision for him. Suddenly rolling over onto Maslow again, Mitchell pinned his hands to the pillows and leaned down to kiss him aggressively.

"Henderson?" Maslow asked between kisses.

"No. This is all me. I'm taking this as far as I can, and once he takes over I don't care what happens. Just promise you'll still love me after you two...whatever."

"Love you always," Maslow whispered, finally letting go and releasing his desire. He opened his mouth to Mitchell's assault, groaning when Mitchell thrusted against him. "Fuck, Logan."

Mitchell held out longer than he'd expected to. They were both naked and a hand was stroking him, Maslow kneeling between his legs and ready to put his mouth to use, when his brain started to fight it. "No," he whispered.

Maslow looked up into his eyes. "I'll stop."

"No. Not fair. Just...do it."

"I don't want you to go," Maslow argued sadly.

"I'll be back."

"Promise?"

"Promise. I'm going to fall asleep in your arms. I know you're dying for this, just take it."

"Let me kiss you a little more first."

He held Logan in place with a hand on his neck, mouth soothing with kisses that managed to stay tame, at least until Maslow's hand went back to work. Logan tried to focus on the kiss rather than the hand, it was so good but he was scared, why was he so scared? There was no logical reason for it. He trusted Maslow, felt safe with him, loved the way his hand stroked him, what was there to be afraid of?

Maslow's lips trailed down his neck to his stomach, each kiss soft but somehow sensual and perfect. As the kisses went further down he told himself to relax, to just enjoy it, and that worked until James' lips found something else to kiss. Hot breath on him, then a wet mouth, and it was amazing. The feelings started rushing him, panic setting in, and with a cry of frustration he gave up.

* * *

Henderson lifted Maslow's head away, a thumb caressing his cheek. "It's me," he said softly. "He left."

Maslow nodded, trying not to be sad about it and failing. His face crumpled and Henderson pulled him up, holding him while laying back onto the pillows. Feeling wetness on his neck, Henderson reached up with one hand to wipe away tears. "I'm sorry."

"I know. I just miss him so much. We never get any time. I told him I'd stop but he insisted."

"He's trying, James. I heard him."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I heard my name, you told me to stay away."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, I understand. I actually did try to stay away."

"You did?" Lifting his face, Maslow asked, "Why?"

"Because you two deserve this. I saw your face, heard it in your voice. You love him and want to share this with him. It's the same thing I'd like to share with Diamond, different somehow than what we normally do."

"I'm sorry," Maslow repeated.

"There you go, apologizing again," Henderson laughed. "Stop that, you have nothing to be sorry for."

"He said you and I could continue. I'm honestly not in the mood anymore but he did say that."

"I know. I heard. I can't, though. Not until I talk to Diamond. Any luck with that?"

"No," Maslow sighed. "Logan said to let him handle it, that he'd work on the problem. He cares for Diamond a lot more than I realized. I think they're falling for each other, too."

"Are they? I can't say I'm surprised. They're like us, always together and missing the ones they can't have." Henderson's arms tightened around Maslow. "You're not a bad consolation prize, though."

"Thanks," Maslow smiled, kissing Henderson's cheek. "You aren't, either."

They were quiet for a few minutes, minds working. "Hey," Maslow said suddenly. "He came back for a second. Diamond."

Sitting up fast, Henderson questioned, "When? What did he say?"

"He told Mitchell to take care of me and to tell you he thinks he might love you."

"What?!" Henderson's jaw dropped. "He said that? Maslow, please. We have to get him out here. Do something!"

"I don't know what to do, I'm sorry. I swear if I could, I would. It's lonely in here. Never realized until he was gone that I could feel him."

"What do you mean, gone?"

"He took off, like...I don't know. It just feels different."

"Fuck. Where the hell did he go?"

"Probably where I went all those years I disappeared."

"Which is?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry, Henderson, I don't know how to reach him."

"Okay, let me think. I tried to stay away just now but he forced me out. It was like being yanked through a window or shoved out on stage when I didn't want to be. Can you do that? Can you grab him and shove him out?"

"If I knew where he was, maybe. I can't even sense him to know how to attempt it."

"Diamond," Henderson said suddenly. He shifted Maslow so that they were facing each other. "Diamond, listen to me. I know what I said hurt you, but you didn't let me finish. I do have feelings for Maslow, but they're not like what I feel for you. If I could have you here next to me right now I would. I'd want you to stay all night and just talk to me. Kiss me the way you did earlier, that was perfect. I know you're in there. Please, come talk to me. Maslow will let you, he won't mind, just come spend the night with me."

"Uh...excuse me, Henderson, but I promised Mitchell we had all night together. Maslow does mind."

"Dude, seriously? He took off so far you can't find him and you're arguing with me about this?"

"How often do I get uninterrupted time? You'd feel the same way if it was you."

"I'm not saying I wouldn't but we need him. He needs to understand that he's wanted. Don't you even care that he's in pain right now?"

"You think I don't care?" Maslow challenged, eyes a muddy storm in the gloom. "All I've ever done my whole life is care for him. I did everything I could to be there for him, made him the only reason for existing, and he didn't want me anymore! He sent me away! He doesn't even want me now, I go to battle with that bitch of a mother for him, I turn in outstanding performances for his auditions and all he ever wants to do is get rid of me! So fuck him! If he wants to run away after all of that, after all the years I stood by his side, fuck him! I'm taking what I want. He's just throwing it away anyway."

Henderson didn't know whether to hug Maslow or shake him in frustration. He wanted to be angry but he couldn't, he understood so much of what Maslow was feeling. In the end he did neither, waiting until Maslow's chest was no longer heaving with emotion to speak.

"Tell me the truth. Are you holding him back now? Don't lie to me about this."

"No. I wouldn't do that. I would've helped Mitchell get to him if I could, before you even showed up. I don't know where he is and I don't know how to find him."

Henderson nodded. "I believe you. If that changes, will you push him out here? Please?"

"Yes, Henderson. I will."

"Okay. Then I guess there's no need for me to stick around tonight. Enjoy your time with Mitchell."

"Wait, you're just gonna...switch? Just like that?"

"I'm gonna try."

"How?"

"I don't know. I'll see what I can figure out."

"Wait. Mitchell wants us to move tomorrow. You and me, wants us to handle it."

"That's probably best." With a deep sigh, Henderson leaned in to kiss Maslow once. "I'm sorry for everything you've been through. You deserve some happiness for a change."

"I just want one night, Henderson. Just one night."

"Let me see if I can find him."

Henderson closed his eyes, opening them over a minute later. "Holy shit, Maslow!" he said excitedly. "He's been busy."

"What?"

"This is insane. Let me walk around and see if I can find him."

"Walk around? What are you...?"

But Henderson was gone again, eyes closed tight and face otherwise expressionless. Maslow laid down on the bed, frustrated with himself and Diamond. "Where are you?" he asked aloud. "Can't you see how badly they want you here?"

A movement to his left had him looking over to see Mitchell smiling at him in the dark. "Hi there, beautiful."

"Hi. You look proud of yourself."

"I am. I didn't really want to watch you two have sex, so I went exploring. Started building a house."

"A house? In your mind?"

"Yes! It worked! I only built a few rooms, but I made Henderson a bedroom to sleep in for the night. He loves it!"

Maslow gaped at him in the dark. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Yes! We talked, James! We actually talked! I stood in a room with him and we talked! He hugged me! Henderson hugged me!"

XXXX


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Author's notes:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

Thank you **Aranelle, waterwicca, **and** jdmazz **for the beta. Sarah, don't hate me for the feelings this gave you—it's only going to get worse.

Okay, guys, here's the deal with the "house" idea. I was inspired by the Internet chick on that. She's created a whole little world inside her head, a place for the other personalities to reside because they spend the majority of their time inside and don't get out, and what happens to them then? It's really fascinating to me. I haven't watched all of her videos but the few I did really gave me some great ideas to work with. Once again, her vlog on YouTube is OurPeanutGallerie, and I discovered the other night that a few of her major personalities also have YouTube channels of their own. Wow.

Anyway, a shorter chapter this time but I wanted to post the next day's events all in one chapter, or at least most of them, so I cut it off where I did. I'm nervous about this chapter, it's all kinds of crazy. And I hope no one thinks I'm making light of the disorder, because I have a lot of compassion and respect for those suffering it. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be to cope with it on a daily basis.

Thanks for reading!

* * *

"Yes! We talked, James! We actually talked! I stood in a room with him and we talked! He hugged me! Henderson hugged me!"

Grasping for words, Maslow managed, "How the fuck did you do that?"

"I don't know! I mean, I told you about that window, right? I was pissed when I went through it, felt like I needed to walk and I wasn't going to stand there and watch you two go at it. So I started walking, in my mind, and as I went I thought it would be cool if there was a place we could sit while we wait. A couch or something to sleep on. Suddenly there was. And then I thought 'Okay, what if I get bored?' And a bookshelf appeared. I went to check it out and it was stocked with every single book I've ever read in my life. It ran the whole wall."

"Wall? There was a wall?"

"Yes! There were even cookbooks mixed in there, but when I flipped through one most of the pages were blank. It had recipes for apple pie and spaghetti and chocolate chip cookies and...I guess all the things Henderson knows how to make. It was like being in a house. So I started thinking about what I'd want in the house, and it all showed up. There's a room that's just for me, I'll finish it later, but I made this bedroom for Henderson. It's all flashy colors and things I hate. Then I heard him calling me, and I walked toward the window and he was there. He was there, James! I let him in and we stared at each other, and then he hugged me!" Suddenly realizing how he must sound, Mitchell frowned. "I've lost it. I've totally lost it. Listen to me. James, I sound like a lunatic."

"No. No, you sound...happy. Where is he now?"

"I left him in his room, told him to build a kitchen and a bathroom. Am I insane?"

"I...wow. If you are, I want to be there. Do you know what I'd give to sit down and talk to Diamond? To hold him in my arms?" When Mitchell's brows rose, Maslow added, "That came out wrong. He's like a brother to me. I just want to hold him, though. Tell him it's okay."

"He couldn't run from you, could he?" Mitchell questioned.

"I don't think so. If he did, he have to run to you or Henderson. So either way, he's screwed."

Mitchell grinned. "Try it. Right now, find that window and go in. Look around. He's hiding somewhere."

Maslow closed his eyes the way Henderson had, searching inward. His lids flew open after only ten seconds. "He locked me out. The little shit locked me out."

"You found him?" Mitchell asked in excitement.

"No. I went through the window and started looking around. I was in this...snowy field thing. I started walking and finally found a cabin. I went to it and tried to open the door but it's locked. The windows are all snowed in, too. I can't even see inside. But he's in there, I know he is."

"Can you dig him out? Get a big shovel or something and...I don't know. Dig him out?"

"Maybe. He doesn't want to be found, Logan. I know that much. He's hurting."

"I know he is, that's why we need to get to him!"

"You can't! Just accept it, both of you! Right now he wants to be alone and you guys have to respect that! He'll come out eventually. Trust me, he'll get horny."

Mitchell rolled his eyes. "So for sex he'll come out?"

"Or food. I doubt he thought to take cookies or donuts in with him."

"He can just imagine them, James. They'll be there."

"He doesn't know that, Logan. And he hates jacking off. It makes him feel pathetic. Trust me, he'll come looking for you."

"You mean Henderson."

Maslow shrugged. "You're the one who didn't betray him. It'll be you who gets to him first."

"Unless you dig him out. Can't you imagine all the snow melting and-"

"No," Maslow interrupted firmly. "He wants to be alone. I feel that much. Leave him alone."

"Fine."

Mitchell lifted the covers and slid down under them, turning onto his side and huffing out a breath. "Let's just sleep, maybe he'll be better in the morning."

Maslow blinked a few times, surprised to be dismissed so easily. He stared at Mitchell in the dark, wondering if Mitchell would even welcome an arm around him at this point. "Goodnight," he said softly, his dreams of one night holding Mitchell evaporating.

Two minutes later the bed moved under him as Mitchell turned over to snuggle up against him. Relieved, Maslow squeezed him tight. "I just want one night like this. Just you and me."

"I'm here. Henderson offered to stay in his room all night." Raising his lips, Mitchell kissed Maslow gently. "I took him up on the offer."

"We don't have to do anything more than kiss. I'm perfectly happy to do just this."

Mitchell was, too. For the next hour they kissed, content to keep it from going to the next level, until exhaustion overtook them.

* * *

Logan was almost asleep when he heard the word "Mitchell" being whispered. He opened his eyes, the room dark and Maslow's arms wrapped around him.

"Mitchell!"

"What?" Voice groggy, he waited for Maslow to speak but then realized Maslow was snoring softly.

"Mitchell! In here!"

_Henderson._Closing his eyes, Logan turned in on himself to see Henderson on the other side of the big picture window. He'd found different clothes somewhere, probably in a closet he'd created, and was wearing black jeans with a red t-shirt featuring what Mitchell assumed was a rock band he'd never heard of. His sneakers were big and bright white, the laces loose and undone. Mitchell had to hold himself back from climbing through the window and tying them. "You're going to trip over your laces," he chastised.

"Hush, mother. I know I said I'd stay in my room all night but when I peeked out there was no action going on, so I thought it might be safe."

"It's fine. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, just get in here."

Mitchell did, stepping over the low wall and through non-existent glass. "Does the hat give you confidence or do you hate my hair that much?"

"Honestly? I just like wearing hats. I don't have to deal with my hair that way. Plus, it looks cool."

Mitchell could argue that, but he didn't because they were both aware he didn't know the first thing about cool. "So what's up?"

"I uh...I was hoping we could talk." A hand went to the back of Henderson's neck to rub it. "If that's okay."

"About what?"

"Just...I don't know. Just talk."

One of Henderson's hands slid into a pocket while he shrugged, his cheeks reddening. Mitchell couldn't have predicted that Henderson had a shy side, but the sight brought a slow smile to his face.

"Unless you're too tired," Henderson said suddenly. "I know it's been a crazy day."

"No, that's fine. We can talk."

Suddenly Mitchell too was nervous—what did you talk about with yourself? He followed Henderson into a kitchen that was only half finished, parts of it a blur because neither of them had given it any definition. "This is so strange," Mitchell said as he took a seat at the table. "It's like a painting or a sketch that's only half done."

Henderson dropped into the chair across from him. "I know, dude. I don't look around too much because it freaks me out. How is this all happening in our head?"

"It's...well, you know. Crazy. I never expected I'd get to talk to you like this."

Not meeting his eyes, Henderson asked, "Probably never wanted to, did you?"

"I..." Blowing out a breath, Mitchell shook his head, but not as an answer to the question. "I guess recently I wanted to. When all of this stuff started with Diamond and Maslow. I hadn't given it much thought until then, figured the videos were enough."

Henderson nodded, fidgeting with his hands clasped together on the table.

"Are you nervous?"

"Me? Nervous?" Henderson made a face that said nothing could be further from the truth. "Why would I be nervous?"

"Because this is scary. Talking to yourself."

"It's not scary, it's just...okay, yeah. Maybe I'm a little nervous. I want to make a good impression on you, which is nuts because a week ago I didn't care what you thought. Except in the way that I didn't want you to get rid of me."

"Hey," Mitchell interrupted, automatically reaching out a hand to cover both of Henderson's and stilling their movements. "That's not going to happen. It's not even an option for me anymore."

"Really? Why wouldn't you want to? I make your life harder. You can't do anything with me around, I'm always getting in the way."

"You're also always coming to my rescue. I wouldn't have gotten nearly as far with Diamond without you. He wanted nothing to do with me."

"You wouldn't even have had a reason to meet Diamond if it wasn't for me."

"True. But that's not a bad thing, because I have Maslow now. He's amazing, you know?"

Their eyes locked and Henderson nodded. "I do know. You don't hate me for that?"

"I want to. I want to scream at you that he's mine and you can't have him, that you're not ever allowed to touch him again."

Henderson's gaze dropped.

"But I can't do that," Mitchell added. "I understand how you fell for him. I even understand how he fell for you. It makes sense."

"I tried to fight it, dude. I swear."

"I know. I believe you." Mitchell squeezed his hands tighter. "He's kind of impossible to resist."

"Yeah, he is," Henderson agreed, relaxing enough to chuckle. "Do you um...he said he thought maybe you might be having a similar problem with Diamond."

"Oh. That." Mitchell sighed, pulling his hands back and crossing his arms on the table. "The truth is I don't know what I'm feeling for Diamond, other than I miss him and want him back. I was angry at you guys for chasing him away. You really should've been more careful."

"I didn't think about it. I mean, I did, I told Maslow to keep him away long enough to finish that video to you, but it never occurred to me anything like that would happen. Trust me, you can't be more pissed at me than I am at myself. I just wish we knew where he was."

"He built a cabin in the snow. Snowed himself in."

"He what?" Henderson frowned.

"Like this house?" Mitchell gestured around them with a hand. "He built a cabin. In their mind."

Henderson stared at Mitchell, stunned. "He knew how to do that?"

"I guess. We don't really know, because he won't come out for us to talk to him."

"So Maslow was able to go in and find him? Like...like this?"

"Yes. This is so crazy, Henderson. Something like this should take months, if not years, to accomplish. I don't even know how we did this."

"The chick on the Internet," Henderson guessed. "I think she put the idea in my head. Well, _our_ head. She kind of did this, something like it."

"We'll have to thank her," Mitchell smiled. "Because this...getting to sit here and talk to you...it's..."

"Shit. You're not gonna cry on me, are you?"

"Shut up," Mitchell replied, fighting back the overwhelming feelings. "Apparently I got all the sensitivity in this partnership."

"I can be sensitive."

"Right."

"Did I not hug you with joy when we first met up?"

"That's happiness. It's different."

"Well, ask Maslow then. He knows I can be sensitive."

"Thanks, I'd rather not."

"Will you just...damn, no wonder Diamond gets frustrated with you. You like to argue."

"I do not!"

"You're so uptight. Will you just stand up and let me hug you?"

"Now? Why?"

"Because you need one. I can tell. Get over here."

"Henderson, I don't need-"

The table suddenly disappeared, Henderson standing to reach out for Mitchell.

Mitchell gaped. "How did you do that?"

"Just imagined it gone."

Any further questions were smothered when Henderson hugged him, Mitchell clinging tight as the overwhelming feelings rushed him again.

"Promise me you won't kill me off," Henderson pleaded. "Please, for Diamond's sake if nothing else. He needs me."

"I promise," Mitchell replied. "Mom thinks I should, but I need you. So does Maslow."

"This is just so confusing. And messy. It's become a big mess."

"I know."

"I don't know how this is going to work, Mitchell, but I swear we can figure it out. You're a genius, you can make anything work."

"I'll talk to Steph, see what she thinks. No matter what, you're not going anywhere. You've become like a best friend to me."

"Damn right," Henderson agreed. "Always got your back, buddy. Always."

It was knowing Henderson would tease him that kept Mitchell's tears at bay, because once again he was assaulted with feelings he wasn't used to dealing with. He squeezed Henderson tighter, feeling safe.

Henderson returned the embrace. "Just do me a favor and find Diamond. I need to know he's okay."

"I plan to. As soon as the move is done, Maslow's going in after him. Any advice on what I should say to him?"

"Tell him I love him. Try to explain how it's possible to love both of them. And Mitchell?" Henderson stepped back from the embrace, staring into his eyes. "Look at me and tell me you don't love Diamond."

"I already told you, I don't know what I'm feeling for him." Uncomfortable, Mitchell looked down at his feet. "I want to take care of him, help him face this. He's been through so much and he's scared and I just want to be there for him."

"And when he kisses you? I know he kisses you, don't tell me he doesn't."

"He...it's usually to get you out there."

"And when it's not?"

Mitchell shrugged. "Once he thought I was you. The other times..."

"Yes? Go on."

Giving in with a frustrated sigh, Mitchell admitted, "It was me kissing him. I've tried to teach him some things, like how to kiss without it being about sex."

"Oh. _Oh_. That was you?"

"What was me?"

"He kissed me earlier and it was...wow."

"Oh. Uh...maybe?"

Henderson laughed. "You're so cute when you blush."

"Shut up! This whole conversation is really weird, do you realize you're talking about yourself?"

"Yes, but...no. You're not me. I'm sure Steph would argue that, though she did say I was just as real."

"Did she?" Mitchell nodded in answer to his own question. "You are."

Henderson gave him a hesitant smile, back to being shy again, and Mitchell grinned. "You're cute when you're shy."

"I'm not shy."

"Yes, you are. I wonder how many of your random sex partners have seen this side of you."

"Uh, none. Let's keep it that way."

"Do you plan to continue with random sex partners?"

Henderson shook his head immediately. "Nope. Diamond is exactly what I've been looking for. As long as he opens up about his feelings and keeps kissing me like he did today."

"Well, you've always got Maslow."

Henderson bit his lip, shoving his hands into his back pockets. "So you're really okay with that? He said you gave permission to go further, but I wanted to make sure. I wouldn't anyway, not until I talk to Diamond about it, but if the situation comes up again...you're okay?"

"Like I told Maslow, I don't want to hear about it, but yes. He deserves that."

"It's you he wants. You know that, right? The dude cried earlier when you disappeared."

Mitchell blinked, surprised. "He cried?"

"Yeah. This whole thing is killing him, a lot more than he lets on. He just wants to love you. Why do you have such a problem with sex?"

Uncomfortable once again, Mitchell shrugged. "I honestly don't know. I've just always hated the idea, hated that it gets in the way of more important things. I'd be sitting there doing my homework and suddenly have urges. Do you know how annoying that is?"

"It's natural," Henderson laughed. "You know that better than I do, brainiac. Especially as a teen, which you were at the time. Though I think you were a late bloomer."

"I stifled it as long as I could. But I don't like the way I lose control. When Maslow kisses me, I stop thinking. When he touches me...I don't ever want him to stop."

"Ever feel that with Diamond?"

Mitchell glared at Henderson rather than answer.

"Exactly. And that scares you?"

"Yeah. It's stupid, but...yeah."

"Dude, you need to let go. Look what happens when you don't. You end up with me."

Mitchell chuckled, arms crossed over his chest. "You're not so bad. Just don't be so good in bed that Maslow doesn't want me anymore."

"Not gonna happen. Though I _am_ amazing in bed."

"You're starting to sound like Diamond," Mitchell teased.

"Hey, it's the truth. Just ask him."

"He's made that clear." Not wanting to discuss sex any further, Mitchell changed the subject. "So uh...we're doing the move tomorrow. I want you there to protect Maslow."

"I don't think he needs my protection, but I would rather go up against her myself than put you in that position."

"I'm more worried Diamond will show up. If he does, you need to be there."

"I got it handled. Go cuddle with your boyfriend."

Mitchell grinned, cheeks flushing. "He's so beautiful. Have you seen him snoring? It's this little sound, just barely there. Come look."

Though Henderson had witnessed it briefly the night before, he approached the window with Mitchell, who stepped out to reclaim control and opened his eyes. They both smiled, Henderson watching through the window. "He's gorgeous. Can we just watch him sleep for a while?"

"Until I fall asleep, yeah." Mitchell bent his head for a soft kiss, Maslow shifting in his sleep and opening his eyes long enough to see Mitchell smiling at him. He smiled in return and kissed Mitchell again, then settled back down into sleep.

"He's perfect," Mitchell whispered.

Henderson didn't reply, laying down on the couch that Mitchell had put in earlier. There was an ache in his chest that had everything to do with James Diamond and the need to hold him, but for tonight he would be satisfied living vicariously through Mitchell.

"Goodnight, Henderson."

For the first time feeling secure in the knowledge he was welcome and not a problem to be eradicated, Henderson smiled. "Goodnight, Mitchell."

XXXX


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Author's notes:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

Thank you **Aranelle, waterwicca, **and** jdmazz **for the beta.

No idea when I'll get the next chapter up, it's not even written. October has always been a bad month for me, and I'm dealing with writer's block on top of everything else. I know exactly where this story is going, so I don't know why it's proving so difficult to get it on paper, but hoping that changes soon. Thanks for reading and I love you!

* * *

When Mitchell awoke the following morning, there was a part of him that hoped it would be to Diamond complaining about him being a bed hog or even how gross it was to hold him at night; any sign of Diamond would be welcome.

He turned over to face the warm body next to him, lifting a hand to brush silky hair off the broad forehead. A smile stretched slowly across soft pink lips, a content sound coming from James as his arms tightened around Logan. "Good morning, gorgeous."

Did James have any idea who was in residence? Did it even matter to James at this point, since he loved both? "Morning. Can you check on Diamond?"

"Yes, Logan. Let me wake up a little first."

"Okay, I'll make coffee."

When Logan moved to stand, Maslow pulled him in. "No, don't leave me yet. Can I enjoy you for a little while longer?"

"Do you even know who I am?" Mitchell teased.

"Of course. When I stop to think about it, I always know. Don't you?"

Mitchell nodded slowly. "Yeah. I do."

"So that means I'm fully aware I'm holding on to my nerdy little boyfriend and that I'm not ready to let go."

Logan couldn't keep the smile away. "Boyfriend?"

"Like I want to share you with anyone else? Don't you think it's time we made it official? You'll never find anyone who understands you better than Diamond and I do."

"Both of you?" Mitchell asked in surprise. "I thought you didn't want to share me."

"It's not technically sharing, right? I mean, you were nice enough to let me have sex with Henderson. It wouldn't be fair to keep you from Diamond, especially when he needs someone like you so badly."

The idea still didn't sit well, in spite of his knowledge that he had no right to be jealous. "But you didn't, right?" Mitchell questioned, already knowing the answer.

"No. The truth is once you left I lost the desire to. It won't be like that every time but last night...yeah. It was you I needed."

"James..." Feeling guilty for doubting Maslow's feelings, Mitchell tilted his face up for a soft kiss. "I love you."

"I know," James smiled. "And this time I can say it without worrying about anyone interrupting. I love you, too."

He hugged Logan tight, happy just to have Mitchell in his arms.

Eventually Mitchell sighed. "My bladder's about to burst. Check on Diamond and then come help me make breakfast?"

"You got it." Maslow kissed him again before letting go. "And then we get Henderson here so we can move?"

"Yeah, sounds good. Missing him already?"

Maslow chuckled. "Not exactly, but getting him here sure is fun."

Smacking Maslow's chest, Mitchell laughed and stood up. "Horndog."

"Diamond isn't the only one who craves it. The difference is he gets it. I don't."

"You will," Mitchell vowed. "Whether it's with me or Henderson, you'll get it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Just don't tell me about it. I don't want the details."

Maslow nodded, imagining how he'd feel hearing about Mitchell and Diamond hooking up. "Understood."

* * *

Warmth spread through Mitchell's chest when muscled arms slid around his waist from behind. Lips on his neck resulted in a huge smile, a happy sound leaving him when they began to suck lightly.

"Don't make me burn breakfast," he warned, focusing on the large pan of eggs, cheese, and assorted vegetables he was scrambling up.

Reminded of a similar moment with Henderson the night before, Maslow stopped with the kisses but kept his arms where they were. "That looks good. Can I help with anything?"

"Toast?"

"Done."

Mitchell watched James move around the kitchen with ease, noting he was already comfortable in it and knew where everything was. "Thanks for doing the shopping for us. Diamond and I got derailed on the way to the store."

"So I heard. Yesterday was a long day, wasn't it?"

"The longest I've ever had. There was so much switching back and forth, it's never been like that before. Henderson seems to think it's because of you guys."

Maslow popped a few slices of bread into the toaster before saying, "I think he's probably right. You and Diamond kept setting each other off. Well, that's not exactly true, either. There were times Henderson pushed Diamond too far, and times I did that to you."

"Did you check on him?"

Nodding as he leaned back against the counter, Maslow replied, "Still in the cabin. It's weird, you suddenly come up with this house thing in your mind, and he does the same thing? Builds some sort of crazy prison for himself? How did he know to do that?"

Logan considered that while pulling plates down from the cupboard. "I wonder if he used to do that when you guys were kids. Do you remember a lot of that?"

"Some of it. I remember...well, it's more like I have vague flashes. Kind of like blurs of memory."

"Do you remember the hospital at all? There was video of you taken back then, right?"

"Yeah, I remember that. He was so terrified in that place. I was in command for a lot of the few days he was there. At least I only remember a few days, I don't know how long he was actually there. I was sent away."

"How did he do that, James? Did he put you in a prison of some kind?"

"I don't know. I don't think so, because it was my choice to disappear. He'd been telling me for a while he didn't want me around, but I knew he needed me so I was always ready. And he uh...you know. Told me he wanted to get rid of me, that he'd find a way."

"Oh, James. I'm so sorry." It was natural for Logan to cross the short distance and hug Maslow to him, Maslow immediately accepting the comfort and resting his cheek on Mitchell's hair. It still surprised Mitchell, though, that he was so nurturing with James—both sides of him.

"He was scared," Maslow continued. "It just hurt because all I ever did was protect him and try to help him but he didn't want me around. When he cried and begged me to leave, pleaded with me, I finally left. I couldn't stand to cause him pain."

Toast popped up and Maslow moved away, Mitchell sighing as he turned back to the stove and shut it off. "What made you come back?"

"He needed me."

"How did you know, though?"

Maslow shook his head slowly, putting in two more slices. "I'm not sure. I just...was aware suddenly and knew. I felt it, I guess. He was nervous about an audition, I think it was his first one and he was scared. He sensed me, knew I was there, and didn't chase me away. So I took over and got him through."

"But how did you know...well, I don't know how the audition process works. Did you know the stuff he was supposed to be doing?"

"No, he was already at the place and I came to in the waiting room. I figured out what was going on and read through the little script they'd given him, memorized it really quick, and then went in there and did the audition. I don't think I did very well, I wasn't prepared, and as far as I know he never got a callback."

"On that audition or on all of them?"

Maslow shrugged. "You'd have to ask him that. I really haven't been around too much since I came back, only when he couldn't handle Mom or was doing an audition. I'd disappear after it, usually."

"So you haven't gotten any callbacks for his auditions? Ever?"

"No, he would've gotten those. Unless I sucked so bad nobody wanted him."

"But he says he never got any. That you must be getting them."

"Nope. When I'd leave the auditions they'd say 'We'll be in touch if we decide to use you' but I'm sure he would be the one to get those calls. Apparently I'm not as big a help to him as I hoped. My acting must suck."

Logan watched James butter the toast, wheels spinning in his mind. "What number did you give them? For a callback?"

"I didn't. He handled all that, I'd pop up when it was time to read for parts. If he never got any callbacks, I'd say he never got the parts."

"Poor guy. He's just so lost, James. He needs to find a place he's accepted and welcome, people who love him and don't tell him he's a freak. I think he'd be able to do a lot more if he had support behind him."

"That's what you and Henderson are for," Maslow commented while approaching Logan for another hug. Arms around Mitchell's shoulders, he kissed Mitchell before continuing, "You two are what he needs."

"I think he needs you, too. He just doesn't want to."

"I can't force him to do anything. I can step up and do things _for_ him, but I can't make _him_ do things. Does that even make sense?"

"It does," Logan replied. "We've got a long day ahead of us, so why don't we eat some breakfast, get Henderson here, and get you two moved in? Once you're officially here, we can work on getting to Diamond. And I can get back to my schoolwork, maybe. I'm wondering if I need to just give this semester up entirely and start fresh with a clear head next time."

Maslow's eyebrows rose. "Really? Wouldn't that set you further back?"

"Yes, but I feel like I'm not getting anywhere anyway. If I can just get some kind of order in my life, get a system of some kind going with Henderson, I think I'll do better. Especially now that I can talk to him. I still don't really know how that happened."

"I'm jealous. I want that for me and Diamond. I want to talk to him. I miss him."

Mitchell smiled sadly. "We'll get there, James. We'll all gang up on him. Once he understands that he's loved and accepted, it'll be easier to talk to him. The truth is I miss him, too."

"Make sure you tell him that. He needs to hear it."

"Go dig him out and I'll be sure to. But wait, because he'll just slow us down at your Mom's."

"I know," Maslow sighed. "He's safe for now, I did manage to peek through a window."

"You did?" Excited, Mitchell asked, "What did you see?"

"He's asleep. He's got a fire going, so he's warm enough. Lots of blankets and a doll of some sort."

"A what? He sleeps with a doll?"

Maslow shrugged. "I've never seen it before, but yeah. He had some type of doll in his arm. Don't you dare make fun of him."

"I won't. I wouldn't do that. I'm just surprised."

"I was, too. But he's safe, Logan. I'll do my best to keep him away until we're settled here."

"Okay. Let's eat this stuff before it gets cold."

As Maslow moved around the kitchen grabbing cups for juice and filling coffee mugs, Mitchell smiled. He'd been right about Maslow helping him around the house, and wouldn't be surprised at all if Maslow offered to clean up breakfast when they were done.

"What are you smiling about?" James asked as Logan set the plates down on the table.

"Just how happy I am that you're here. And that I was right about you."

"I really enjoyed last night, Logan. Thank you for letting me sleep with you."

Logan smiled wider. "Thank you for holding me."

"I can do it again tonight, if you want."

As badly as Logan wanted to say yes, he finally replied, "Let's see what happens with the other two. Diamond might need him more."

* * *

Mitchell's shower was once again interrupted, but this time he wasn't annoyed. He was, however, self-conscious.

"You sure you're okay with this?" Maslow asked, stepping in behind him. "I just figured we have to get Henderson out here anyway, and you've already showered with me, so..."

Mitchell licked his lips as he stared down the long naked body, which was the exact same stretch of beauty but suddenly so much more because it was his for the taking. Stomach filling with nerves when his eyes made it below the waist, Mitchell turned away but nodded. "It's fine. I just realized, though, I can go talk to Henderson and make him come out that way now, since-"

"You can," Maslow reasoned, hands sliding down Mitchell's sides slowly, "but this is more fun."

Mitchell shivered under the warm spray of water, Maslow's lips and hands hotter as they moved over him. "Oh god," he whispered.

"Want me to stop?"

"No. Please, just keep going. Maybe we'll get further this time."

Maslow grabbed Mitchell's hair in one hand and tilted his head back for a kiss. "I'll miss you."

"I know. I'll miss you, too. I'll be back tonight, to check on Diamond and to spend a few minutes with you before we go after him. Good luck with your mom."

"Thanks. I love you."

"I love you, too," Mitchell smiled, lifting up slightly to kiss him. Maslow deepened it, his fingers tightening in Mitchell's hair while his other hand slid down to wrap around Logan, whose body stiffened at the touch.

"Relax," James whispered, feeling Mitchell tense up. "You're safe."

It worked for a little bit, Mitchell enjoying the feel of James' hand on him while James distracted him with kissing, but when James started to stroke in earnest Mitchell felt the panic rising. Instead of fighting it he let it come, calling out for Henderson in his mind. As always, his other half came to the rescue.

* * *

Maslow knew it the moment Henderson took over. He was suddenly pressed up against the shower wall and kissed so hard he could barely breathe, a hand sliding between their bodies to stroke him in return.

"Fuck! Henderson!"

Maslow returned the aggression, ready to let go this time, but after a minute Henderson stepped back, breath coming heavy. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but I can't do this. Not until I fix things with Diamond. Please don't hate me."

Wishing he _could_ hate Henderson but unable to because he did understand, Maslow stared into deep brown eyes in agony.

"I'm sorry, James. I want to, trust me. I just can't."

Maslow nodded, then turned to stand under the spray and set it to cold.

"Fuck, that's cold!" Henderson yelled as he was splashed with droplets.

Maslow couldn't bring himself to reply. He stayed under the water long after Henderson had disappeared, fighting to get his feelings under control; he'd need it to deal with the day ahead.

* * *

Because they didn't get out much, the move was treated like an adventure. They agreed to rent a storage facility under Mitchell's name, Henderson rushing into the "house" to consult with him about what needed to stay at the apartment and what could go into storage.

When Mitchell kept changing his mind and screaming at Henderson things like "Wait, not that!", Henderson finally got fed up and asked him, "Do you want to come out here and do this? We don't have all day, Mitchell!"

There was a switch made and Mitchell came to the forefront, Maslow watching in amusement and more than a little jealous. "It used to be that easy for us, too. I remember one time a kid tried to beat up Diamond and he was scared but was going to take him on. The guy was three times his size and would've pulverized him, so I took over and got him out of there. He was pissed at me for that, said he could never show his face at school again, but I reminded him that at least he still had a face to show."

Gaze full of compassion, Mitchell hugged Maslow. "We'll get him back, James. We'll figure this out and then you two can be the ones arguing."

"I'm actually looking forward to that," Maslow grinned.

Mitchell suddenly rolled his eyes. "He's rushing me again. He says time is money. I thought I was the uptight one."

"He misses Diamond, wants this done so we can focus on that."

"I know. Okay, let's see. I need this...and this..."

Ten minutes later Henderson took over again. "At this rate we'll be here all week," he complained to Maslow. "It's all going, he can go through it later. Shut up, Mitchell! Go clean my room or something."

Maslow shook his head listening to them. "It's so weird that you two talk to each other so easily now."

"It's pretty awesome, though," Henderson smiled. "Grab that box for me?"

It took an hour for them to pack up the room and get it all over to a storage unit, only a half hour to unload it. When that was done Henderson turned to Maslow, thumbs in the belt loops of his jeans. "Ready to take on the bitch?"

"She won't make it easy."

"What can she really do? She can't stop you, you're an adult."

"I don't trust her. She lies, Henderson."

"Like I said, you're an adult. You're allowed to move out."

"She won't see it that way. She likes to keep a tight rein on Diamond."

"Too bad. Diamond's got someone better to look after him now."

"Two someones," Maslow smiled.

"Three, by the time we're done."

The smile widened, Maslow filled with excitement at the prospect of talking to Diamond again. "Let's do this."

* * *

Maslow called Brooke on the way to the house, wanting to know what they were up against. She'd already left for a business meeting and would be gone until late afternoon, James relieved to hear that. They'd be done by then, or close to it.

"We're good," he passed on after hanging up. "She's gone for the day."

Henderson glanced over in surprise after driving through an intersection. "Seriously? How did we get so lucky?"

"She's got a business meeting."

"On a Sunday?"

"You don't know her. She probably works on Christmas. The woman has little heart."

"I don't get that," Henderson commented. "She must've been normal at one time, right? Loved her son?"

"She loves him now, she just doesn't know how to show it. Or maybe she just never learned how to love him properly, I don't know. What I remember of her as a kid is that when she was around, James stayed in his room a lot. He didn't want to be in her way and she had a new husband she was wrapped up in, and then she wasn't home much so there was a lot of time James spent with..._him_."

The last word was spoken with disgust as Maslow looked out his window. Henderson's hand found his, linking their fingers in comfort. "He can't hurt you now. He's out of your life."

"I know." Maslow's fingers tightened the hold. "I thought about going to the police when I came back, reporting it. Making him suffer like he made James."

"Why didn't you? I would've."

Maslow still wouldn't look at him. "I did a search. If he was married to someone with a son, I was going to."

"He doesn't have to be married to abuse someone, Maslow."

"I know. Turns out he isn't abusing anyone now. He's dead."

The big truck swerved due to Henderson's shock. "He's dead? Was he old?"

"No. His stepson shot him."

"Holy shit, James. Does Diamond know that?"

"I don't know. I left him a note once, wrote down some links for him to read the articles. I don't know if he ever did."

"Damn. Wow. What happened to the kid? How old was he?"

"Fourteen when it happened. Sixteen when they acquitted him because there wasn't enough evidence. There was also another report filed on him before he met Mom, but there was no evidence on that one so the charges were dropped, even though that time the police got involved. Apparently he used to be in charge of little boys at some church."

A shudder ran through Henderson. "That's scary. Church is supposed to be a place you feel safe, not somewhere you have to worry about taking your kids."

"Exactly. I read that he was let go from the youth ministry, but there wasn't enough to bring charges. After hearing that, the jury probably knew exactly why the kid shot him and let some things slide."

"Can they do that?"

"Legally, no. Morally...who really knows what was said in that jury room?"

"Wow. James, that's...wow. But he can't hurt you. Will you look at me?" James' lack of emotion when he spoke of it worried Henderson.

Maslow looked over, eyes dead.

"You're allowed to feel something about all this. I get that you took over because he couldn't handle feelings but that doesn't mean _you_can't feel. You don't have to be numb."

"It was the only way to cope, Logan. You don't know what it's like."

"Thank God for that, but at some point you have to let go. _Diamond_has to let go. Definitely something we'll be talking about when I get to him."

"He'll just keep dragging me to the surface," Maslow pointed out.

"Then lock yourself in that cabin. Make him face it."

"Dude, he uses me because if he doesn't, he'll go insane. Is that what you want?"

"No, but he can't live his life afraid to feel."

"That's what I'm for."

Frustrated, Henderson said, "Oh, so he just never feels anything intensely? That's like saying Mitchell should never experience sex because that's what I'm for. Do you want that?"

Maslow's jaw set and his gaze returned to the window, hand freeing itself from Henderson's grip. "Of course not."

"Then you have to let him live. Just like I have to let Mitchell live."

"And what happens when he doesn't need you anymore? Ever think of that?"

Henderson got it then, feeling like an ass for not seeing it before. Mitchell may have calmed his fears on that score, but Maslow had no such promise from Diamond. "Hey," he said softly, gripping Maslow's hand again and holding tight when Maslow tried to pull it away. "We won't let him get rid of you."

"It's not up to you guys. You can't control what he does. He wanted to kill me once before, you don't know what that's like. You've never had your best friend suddenly become your worst enemy and hate that you even exist, so don't try to tell me I shouldn't be scared. Once we find him I don't know what's going to happen and now that I know we can talk in person? Face to face? How do I know he won't pull a knife on me or dream up a gun to shoot me? Logan, I'm terrified to see him again! He hates me now more than ever, I stole the only two guys he's ever loved. Tell me why he'd want to keep me around. Tell me!"

"Because he needs you," Logan answered immediately.

Maslow shook his head. "No, he doesn't. He's got you two now."

Henderson let go of Maslow's hand to park the truck in front of the Diamond home, at a loss. "James...I don't even know what to say."

"Exactly. There's nothing you _can_say. Just...let's do this."

Maslow opened the door and moved to step out but Henderson held him back, leaning over for a deep kiss that managed to calm Maslow slightly.

"We love you, James. We'll do whatever we can to keep you alive, okay? I promise."

Maslow nodded. "I know. It's not you two I'm worried about. If he stays hidden, the only one who can go after him is me. And as badly as I want to see him again, I'm scared."

Henderson understood that completely. Wishing he had words that could comfort Maslow, he stepped out of the truck and followed him up to the big house.

* * *

After moving the big furniture into the truck, they wasted no time tossing everything else into boxes they'd purchased at the storage facility. It wasn't Diamond they were worried about returning, but his mother, and they wanted to have as much done as possible before dealing with her.

Henderson asked Maslow to check on Diamond repeatedly, Maslow stating each time that there had been no change-Diamond was buried under thick blankets clutching the doll Maslow had never seen before.

"Is that weird for him, to sleep with a doll?" Henderson asked while carrying a box from the room.

"It's weird for anybody his age, don't you think?"

"I suppose, but is that like him? Did he have one as a kid?"

"No. He had me."

That gave Henderson pause, causing him to turn back at the door, eyes narrowing on Maslow taping up the last box. "He cuddled with you?"

"Of course not, that would be impossible. Well, I guess now it wouldn't, but back then we didn't know we could do that. I just mean he didn't need a doll because I kept him safe."

Still studying Maslow, who wouldn't even look up from his task, Henderson asked, "What does the doll look like?"

"It's hard to see. I just know it's a doll and it has dark hair."

"Long hair? Like a girl?"

"No." Maslow stood, finally meeting Henderson's gaze. "Very short hair. Like you." Without another word, Maslow hefted his box and moved out of the room, leaving Henderson to follow slowly as his mind worked.

A sudden shrill cry of "James! Get down here this instant!" interrupted his reverie. Henderson took a deep breath and made his way to the landing above the living room, where Maslow had reached the bottom of the steps in time to meet a tall, slender woman sparkling with jewels and make-up expertly applied to give her a look that was somehow soft and forbidding at the same time. Henderson guessed her outfit cost more than his mother made in a week at her office job.

"Hello, Mother." Maslow set his box near a sofa, straightening to prepare himself for battle.

"Don't you 'hello mother' me. I want my son and I want him now."

"He's not around."

"Get him out here! I know you can, don't try to tell me otherwise."

"I'm sorry, even if I wanted to, I couldn't. He's in hiding, so to speak."

Brooke looked confused for a moment before asking, "What does that even mean?"

"It means he's not reachable, like I wasn't for all those years. He doesn't want to speak to anyone."

Brooke's face screwed up in rage as she lifted her hands to Maslow's arms and shook him. "Give me back my son!"

Henderson's box hit the floor; he took half the staircase before hopping over the banister to pull her off James. "Don't touch him," he warned.

She spun around, batting his hands away. "_You_. Logan, I assume? You're the reason all of this is happening. My son never had to run away and hide until you came along."

Guilt etched itself into Henderson's features because in that she was right.

"It's not his fault, Mom!" James yelled. "Diamond and I have been wanting to move out for a long time. It's happening."

"It is not," she argued, facing James again. "Not until I hear it from my own son's mouth. What did you do, force him into hiding so you could do this? So you could kidnap my boy?"

"I'm not kidnapping anyone. We're the same person," Maslow reasoned.

"You are not my son," she hissed, hatred in her eyes. "All you have ever done is hurt my son, made him crazy. You're the one who needs to go."

"Well, you get your wish. I'm going."

"Not with my son, you're not."

Henderson laid a hand lightly on her shoulder. "Look, I'm sorry, I know this is hard for you, but James wants this. _Your_James. He's finally found people he feels comfortable around, who make him feel good about himself, and he's happy." He purposely left out that Diamond was in hiding right then because he was unhappy. "Don't you want your son to be happy?"

She answered with a cool look. "I want my son to be sane. He's not capable of surviving on his own, he's fragile."

"That's what he's got Maslow for," Henderson pointed out. "And now he's got me and Mitchell as well, and trust me when I say nobody will take care of him better than Mitchell."

"Yes, Mother," Maslow interrupted. "Mitchell actually _believes_him when he speaks."

"Don't you even start that right now," she glared. "Even the doctors said he was lying."

"That's because they never did an examination. You wouldn't allow them to," James said in a low voice.

The accusation behind his words had Brooke staring at Maslow with so much hatred Henderson wondered how he was still standing. "James, let's go." To Brooke, he said, "I promise I'll have Diamond call you as soon as we get to him. Please, for once let your son be happy."

"And don't even think about trying to lock him up again," Maslow warned while Henderson went after the box he'd dropped upstairs. "He's an adult now. He goes to the meetings for you, he sees your doctors. What more do you want from him? He's doing everything you ask."

"He's supposed to get better, not be encouraged in his madness."

Logan stopped near James, the two facing her as he volunteered, "My doctor says if the personalities work together, there's a good chance of blending at some point. Acceptance is key."

Maslow glanced over at Henderson in surprise. Had their doctor really said that? A light squeeze to his elbow was answer enough-whether she'd said that or not didn't matter, it was Henderson's attempt to calm the woman down. "It's true," Maslow added. "James and I are going to see her and she's going to help us get better. The new address and Logan's phone number are on the refrigerator, Mom. You can call anytime. Diamond's scared, I won't lie, but he's ready for this. He's ready to live. Please, let him be happy," he begged, echoing Henderson's plea.

She stared at them in silence, studying them both before smirking. Arms crossed over her chest, she said, "Go ahead. He'll be back within a week, he needs me. I'm not worried about it." She spun away to storm into the kitchen, the swinging door hitting the wall in her ferocity.

"Go," Henderson commanded, pushing Maslow gently with the box. "Just go."

"She's wrong, Logan. He won't be back, he loves you too much."

As he followed Maslow out the front door, Henderson prayed that would prove to be true.

XXX


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Author's notes:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

Thank you **Aranelle **and** waterwicca **for the beta.

Guys, I'm sorry it's been so long since I updated. I've been suffering a lack of confidence in my writing and in this story and I know it went in a direction a lot of people aren't happy with; I didn't plan for it to go where it did, but I can't argue when my brain tells me what to write so that's where it went. If you're still here, thank you for reading. I don't know when the next chapter will be up, I've been working a lot but the good news is I'm finally starting to feel like myself again and I think on my next day off I'll be able to crank out another chapter. I hope, anyway! Starting to feel the magic again, thank God. I will finish this story no matter what—Logan deserves to have his story told.

I'm also very far behind on replying to reviews once again. Gosh, there's just been so much going on! I'm sorry I've slacked off on that. Each one means so much to me, you have no idea. Thank you for reading!

* * *

Henderson left Maslow to himself on the ride home, Maslow doing that whole brooding thing again. He did hold Maslow's hand and offer, "If you need to talk, I'm here." Maslow merely nodded and continued to stare out the window.

Once at the apartment they quickly unloaded everything, Maslow giving instructions on where he wanted the furniture but otherwise stating the rest of their belongings could be dealt with later. They got the truck back on time and returned to the apartment to shower, Maslow happy to be in a fresh set of his own clothes and ordering pizza while Henderson showered and changed.

They'd made it through half the pizza when Henderson ventured, "So. Your mom."

"You know, she's not really my mom. She made that clear."

Henderson supposed that was true. He studied Maslow while chewing, Maslow repeatedly tipping his chair back as if restless and seemingly not at all captivated by what Henderson had decided was the best pizza he'd ever eaten. "I'm sorry."

"Why should I care?" Maslow shrugged, indifferent. "Diamond's the one who can't seem to cut the apron strings."

"But you do care," Henderson pressed, leaning forward to rest his arms on the table. "I know you well enough to see that. It would hurt me."

"Well, that's you."

"James, can we please talk about it? You don't have to-"

"No, okay?" Maslow yelled, standing up to shove his chair back. "It's not worth talking about. She hates me. She's hated me since the first time we met, when she thought Diamond was just having a mood swing. She hated that I talked back to her, hated that I accused her of ignoring what was right in front of her face, hated that I couldn't just keep my mouth shut and let her be happy with that asshole. That was my job, I was the one who had to do the dirty work, so I get it. I get why she hates me. I just..." Shaking his head and blinking rapidly, Maslow looked away. "I didn't realize how _much_. That's the first time she's been so...outspoken about it. I mean, you saw her."

"Yes," Henderson agreed, "and that's why I think you need to talk about it. Nobody would be able to just ignore their own mom talking to them like that."

"But technically, she's not my mom."

"Technically, she is. You're the same person."

Maslow shrugged. "It doesn't matter. I'm out of there now, and unless Diamond begs me to, I'm not dealing with that woman again. I'm done."

"Good. Eat some more pizza, this shit's amazing."

Offering a wan smile, Maslow returned to his seat and picked up another slice. "Yeah, it is pretty good."

Henderson grinned before standing. "I'll be right back. Check on Diamond while I'm gone?"

"Yeah," Maslow muttered.

Closeting himself in the bathroom, Henderson dropped to the toilet and closed his eyes, turning toward the window in his mind. He hopped through it, in awe as he made his way through the living room and kitchen. The blurred areas were gone, replaced with detailed surroundings that even went so far as intricately-patterned wallpaper and tile. He discovered that Mitchell had finished up his bedroom, somehow knowing exactly how Henderson would've decorated it himself—then again, all Mitchell really had to do was dig into his own brain to know that.

Henderson found him in a backyard that hadn't been there before, complete with a greenhouse and a jacuzzi. "You built me a hot tub!" he exclaimed with excitement, rushing to it.

Mitchell jumped slightly, spinning away from the picnic table he was standing near. "I knew you wanted one. I figured if I got a greenhouse, you could have this. Did it go okay? I tried to stay out of the way all day."

"The move itself went fine." Henderson bent over the tub and let the bubbles swirl around his fingers, anxious to try it out. "Maslow's not doing so well, though. I can't get him to talk, and I don't usually have that problem."

"How was their mom?"

"A total bitch. I wanted to strangle her. She made him feel worthless and somehow managed to guilt me over Diamond running away even though she doesn't know the situation." Standing up again, Henderson wiped his fingers against his jeans to dry them and turned to face Mitchell. "She's also convinced he'll run right back to her within a week. I hope she's wrong about that."

"Of course she's wrong," Mitchell stated, approaching to squeeze his arm in comfort. "Diamond isn't going anywhere. He's crazy about you."

"He won't even speak to me."

"Let me talk to him, I think I can get through to him. Do you think Maslow would open up to me?"

"I was kind of hoping, because he sure as hell won't talk to me. Since when am I the guy nobody wants to talk to?"

Smiling, Mitchell replied, "I don't mind talking to you. I'm happy we can do this now. Want me to go out there?"

Henderson shrugged, not sure he was ready to go back in the cage. "I did have all day out. That was nice."

"I know. I'm sorry I keep you locked up so much. I never really had the choice before, you know?"

"Yeah. I know." Henderson wondered if that would change now that the choice was there, but he kept it to himself. "Go on, I got this awesome jacuzzi to check out. And my room is sick, dude."

Mitchell paused in the act of returning to the house, spinning back with a frown. "You don't like it?"

"My room? No, I love it."

"You said it was 'sick.'"

"Yeah, as in...wicked. Awesome."

Mitchell pondered that. "So, if something's cool, it's 'sick'?"

"Right. Kind of like in the old days, people used to say something was bad when it was good."

"Who said that?"

"Everybody, dude. Don't you watch movies? Even I know that and I've only been around a few years."

"As usual, I have no idea what's cool and what's not," Mitchell sighed, hands in pockets as he strolled away.

"That's why you have me!" Henderson called out with a grin. "Let me know when you guys are going after Diamond? I want to be there."

"I thought you wanted me to handle it." Mitchell halted near the patio door, looking back.

"I do, but I want to be able to watch. You know, in case he asks for me."

"Right. You know, Henderson, this is going to work out. He'll be fine."

Henderson nodded slowly. "Just bring him back. Please. I miss him."

"Yeah," Mitchell sighed. "I miss him, too."

"Wait!" Henderson rushed to Mitchell, eyes wide as he said, "I forgot to tell you. Maslow's terrified Diamond's going to hurt him when he goes in. Try to get rid of him, you know? Honestly...I'm a little concerned about that myself. Be careful, we can't lose Maslow."

Mitchell shook his head, not bothered in the slightest. "Diamond's not going to hurt Maslow."

"After everything that's happened? He's gotta be pissed right now."

"He's hurt, Henderson. That's different. He misses Maslow."

"He does?" Henderson blinked. "What makes you say that?"

"He told me," Mitchell smiled. "Maslow's the only friend Diamond's ever had. He misses him."

"But that was before-"

"It doesn't matter. Now that you and I have met, could you hurt me? Even if you were so mad you wanted to?"

Henderson studied him for a long moment before replying. "No. You're part of me. It would be like hurting myself."

"Exactly. Maslow will be fine. I promise."

"But they'd met before, as kids, right? And Diamond wanted him gone then."

"He was a child, Henderson. One who had no one else and was scared, didn't have anyone he could trust. Now he has us. Maslow does, too. Between the two of us, we can be there for them, be someone for Diamond to talk to when he feels like lashing out."

"You mean _you_ can. He never talked to me, all he wanted from me was sex."

"That's not true. I'll work on him, okay? Get him more comfortable with his feelings."

With a deep sigh, Henderson lifted the hat off his head in agitation. "Just worry about finding him and making him come out. Once he's out, you'll be able to get him talking. I have faith in you."

Mitchell smiled, hugging Henderson before turning back to the house. "I'll come get you when it's time."

"Thanks."

* * *

Mitchell found Maslow standing on the balcony of their apartment, hands gripping the rail as he stared out but probably saw nothing of his surroundings.

"Hey," he said softly, rubbing a hand over Maslow's back.

"I'm fine."

"I know. I just missed you."

Glancing back over his shoulder in surprise, Maslow then turned to smile at Mitchell. "Hey, you. I missed you, too."

They shared a kiss that did more for Maslow's state of mind than any conversation could, Mitchell soothing him with lips and hands. He pulled Mitchell into his arms when it was done, resting his cheek against dark hair. "Did Henderson send you out to get me talking?"

"Partly," Mitchell admitted. "But if you don't want to talk, that's fine. We can just do this."

Maslow grinned, bending his head to kiss Mitchell again. "Do I get you all night?"

"Depends on what happens with Diamond, but I think the two of them need time to talk. Don't you?"

"Yeah," Maslow replied grudgingly. "I did have last night with you. Can we do that again sometime?"

"Of course we can. How is he?"

"The same. It's almost like he's in a coma, you know? Asleep and hiding from the world, shutting his brain down so he doesn't have to face anything."

"That's exactly what he's doing. Normally he would've used you to get through something so painful, but this time he can't because you're the cause of his pain."

"I never wanted that, Logan. I only wanted to help him. That's what I'm here for."

"I know," Logan soothed. "We'll make sure he knows that, too, okay? Are you ready for this? Need a little time or can we go in?"

"You're so anxious," Maslow laughed, not bothered by it. "But no, you don't have feelings for him at _all_."

"I admitted that I had feelings," Logan pointed out. "But yes, I'm anxious. I'm worried about him. If I thought I could get you talking about your mother, I'd do that first, but I think you're going to resist me as well on that."

"You're right. I'm not talking about it. She's not worth my time or attention."

"Okay, then. Let's go get Diamond."

"Do you even want to see my room? Make sure we didn't screw anything up?" James teased.

"Right now, all I care about is getting Diamond someplace where I can talk to him. How do you want to do this?'

It became real to Maslow then, what he was going into. "What if he tries to hurt me, Logan?"

"He won't, James. I promise. And if he does, I'll kill him."

Maslow smiled in response, not quite sure if Mitchell was joking or not. "I love you."

Mitchell nodded, able to see it in Maslow's eyes. "Come on. Let's go break into that cabin."

* * *

Maslow reclined on Logan's bed, getting comfortable while Mitchell dragged a chair near the bed and then stood over like a doctor about to perform an experiment. "You okay?" he asked, Maslow nodding in response.

"Just nervous. How will you know if I'm in trouble?"

Mitchell sat down and scooted the chair closer. "I'll hold your hand. Just squeeze if-well, no. That won't work, if neither of you is up front it's more like you're unconscious." Jumping up, he started, "Maybe I can research this before we-"

"Logan, no." James reached out to stop him, grabbing his hand. "It's fine. I'll be fine. Let's just do this. You said he won't hurt me, right? You're sure?"

"I really don't think he will, James." He sat down again and leaned over, kissing Maslow gently. "If he tries anything, remind him we'll never speak to him again."

"Really? You'd kick him out?"

"If he killed someone we're both in love with? It would be difficult to forgive him for that."

Maslow smiled, sitting up to kiss Mitchell one more time. "I'll run to you if I need to."

Mitchell wasn't sure how much good that would do; Maslow had been the one who once said Diamond couldn't run from him, and the reverse was just as true. Rather than point that out, though, Mitchell smiled. "You'll be fine. Make sure he knows we still love him, too, and that we're not choosing you over him. Or just run him to the surface, whatever you have to do. Get him out here so I can talk to him."

Maslow nodded, then closed his eyes. He opened his hand and Mitchell took it, linking their fingers tight. "I'm right here." He called out to Henderson in his mind, sensing it when Henderson came to the window to watch.

After taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, Maslow went in search of Diamond.

* * *

The cabin was right where it had been for almost twenty-four hours, only now it was snowing heavily as Maslow traversed the blanketed ground. The closer Maslow drew to the building, the thicker the snow got until it was a full-blown blizzard, so heavy he could hardly see his surroundings.

_Motherfucker. You know I'm coming._

"You think a little snow is gonna stop me?" he yelled, pressing forward as the temperature dropped to below zero. Maslow shivered, fatigue coming out of nowhere, and suddenly the wind was whipping so hard he almost fell over.

"Oh yeah? Two can play that game."

He imagined himself in a snowsuit with extra insulation, the warmth immediate and centering him, then looked up through the mass of flakes to the gray sky above. Would he be able to stop it?

He imagined a blazing hot sun and the falling snow was gone in a flash, but lightning suddenly filled the sky. It was enough, though, the snow melting fast along the ground as Maslow ran forward until he was standing before the door of the cabin. He got rid of the snowsuit and tried the door, but it didn't budge. There was of course no knob or latch of any kind.

"Fuck," he muttered. "Let me in, James."

Running around to the window, Maslow peeked in and was hit with a powerful gust of wind. He focused until it died down, then returned his attention to the window.

Surprisingly, Diamond hadn't moved. He was still buried under thick blankets, on his side with just his head and the doll visible as it poked out from under the covers near his face. The fire was still burning in a nearby fireplace, but otherwise the big room was empty.

Maslow imagined a chair and it was there next to him, then he realized the window was too small to fit through. He circled the perimeter of the cabin but there was nothing, and when he returned even the small window had disappeared. "You little shit."

It hit him then, the obvious answer, and he smiled. Backing up some, Maslow imagined a window big enough to walk through. It didn't happen instantaneously, Maslow having to focus intensely to make it appear because Diamond had built his fortress well, but finally it did and Maslow lifted the chair to smash it.

The resulting crash was louder than he'd expected it to be, probably because there had been only quiet surrounding him at that point. Diamond sat up fast, eyes wide with fear as he clutched the doll to his chest.

Maslow tossed the chair aside, stepping through to the sound of glass crunching under his shoes.

"How are you here? Get the fuck out of here, this is my place!"

"It belongs to both of us, James," Maslow replied, stopping next to the bed and staring down at Diamond huddled in on himself. "We're the same person, remember?"

Seeing where Maslow's gaze stopped, Diamond shoved the doll behind his back with flaming cheeks. "I don't want you here. You've taken everything now, just go enjoy it and leave me in peace."

"James..." Maslow sighed heavily, rubbing his forehead. He pulled the chair up next to the bed and sat, straddling it backwards. "I'm not trying to steal your life. I only exist to help you."

"But you don't help. You make things worse. My mom hates me because of you and now the world's most amazing guys want you instead of me and-"

"That's not true. They even told me to make sure you know that, that they don't love me more than you."

"They're just saying that," Diamond muttered, bringing the doll back around and rubbing a thumb over its face, which Maslow noted was painstakingly detailed to resemble Logan's. The clothing was familiar as well, and it was a moment before Maslow placed it-it was the outfit Mitchell had been wearing the night they met him.

"Do you think this is easy for me?" Maslow asked softly, eyes on the small figure. "You falling in love with my boyfriend?"

"You stole mine first. You knew how I felt about him, you had to know."

"I knew," Maslow nodded. "I didn't mean to, though. Did you purposely go after Mitchell?"

"I didn't! He doesn't even like me that way."

"Actually, he kind of does. I got him to admit he has feelings for you."

Diamond looked up sharply. "He said that?"

"Yes."

"When?"

"Last night. Today, too. I don't think he's very happy about it, but uh...yeah. He likes kissing you."

"I knew it!" Diamond crowed, a smile creasing his lips for the first time. "He wouldn't admit that to me."

"He didn't want to admit it to me, either. Because it hurts a little, you know?"

Diamond nodded, serious now as he thought of Henderson. "Yeah. It hurts a lot."

"And Henderson's going crazy. All I heard all day was 'Check on Diamond.' The guy is nuts over you, James. Why can't you see that?"

"Because I heard him. He said it, I heard him say he's in love with you."

"He is, but..." Maslow stood, frustrated and rubbing his hands over his face. "He loves you, too. It's hard for them, we're the same person. Could you choose between Mitchell and Henderson right now, if you had to?"

"Yes."

"Really?" Maslow asked in disbelief.

"Well...maybe not." Diamond groaned and fell back onto the bed, frustrated himself. "They're both amazing. Mitchell is annoying as fuck, but I can't help loving him. He makes me feel safe. And Henderson...well, do I even need to say it? You know how hot he is." When Maslow nodded, Diamond asked, "Did you fuck him yet?"

"No. And you want to know why?"

"Why?"

"Because of you. We came close in the shower, I pushed Mitchell too far and he went running for Henderson. We started making out and he stopped. He said he couldn't do that to you, that he needed to talk to you before he could even think about doing anything with me. He loves you, Diamond. He's dying to know you more, to talk with you and take you out on a date and be a proper boyfriend. He loves us both, but it's you he wants to be with at night. It's you he wants to hold and kiss and love. Give him that, please."

Diamond bit his lip, looking down at his lap. "I don't know how," he said softly, sounding like a scared little boy. "Every time I get close, I-"

"How many times have you tried? You keep running. Go out there and spend the night with him. Mitchell would be more than willing to hang out in their house all night and let you have him."

Diamond frowned, gaze lifting. "What house? They bought us a house?"

"No," Maslow chuckled, approaching the bed and sitting across from Diamond, legs tucked under him. "Like this cabin? Mitchell figured out how to build a house. I guess it's pretty amazing." At Diamond's expression of shock, Maslow added, "You've missed a lot. Don't miss anymore. We can talk to each other now, you can tell me if you're scared and I'll be right there. You're never alone with me here, James. It's what I've been trying to tell you since we were kids. If you let me, I'll be your best friend. I'll take care of you, the way I used to. Remember that? How we used to talk in the mirror all the time?"

Diamond nodded, eyes suddenly moist.

"Don't you miss that? Don't you miss me at all?"

Maslow was tackled in a hug as Diamond launched himself forward, clinging tight and burying his face in Maslow's neck. All of the built-up fear and pain flowed out in the form of tears dripping onto Maslow's shirt, Maslow holding him close and trying not to collapse in relief himself. There was something hard between them, something digging into Maslow's chest, and he finally realized it was the doll. It seemed fitting somehow, the two of them holding onto each other with Logan trapped between them.

Maslow let Diamond cry, calming the shaking and feeling like things were finally right again. He imagined a box of tissues and suddenly it was there; Diamond took them gratefully.

"I'm just so scared," he choked out. "Mom's waiting for a reason to lock me up and-"

"I don't think that's true," Maslow disagreed. "In her own weird way she loves you."

"She hates me."

"No, she hates _me_. And I'm okay with that, she can do whatever she wants to me. It's you I worry about."

"I bet she's pissed I haven't called. Did you call her today?"

"James..." Bracing himself because he wasn't sure what the reaction would be, he said, "we moved out today. All our stuff is here now, in the spare room."

"Here? Where's here?" Diamond untangled himself from Maslow's grip, padding to the window in bare feet. Maslow quickly made the glass disappear before it could do any damage. "All I see is...where's the snow?"

"I melted it all. You're not the only one who has control around here."

"Obviously, or you wouldn't have broken in. I can't see anything, though, only trees and hills in the distance."

"There's a big window at the edge of the clearing. It's the barrier between...I don't even know what to call it. But step out that window and you're in charge. You just have to open your eyes."

Diamond swallowed, turning back to face the bed. "Are we in the apartment?"

"Yes. In their bed. Mitchell's right by, waiting for you. He's worried, you know. About you."

Diamond smiled softly, suddenly shy.

"Go on. I know it's scary, but he won't hurt you. The guy's afraid of handjobs," Maslow joked.

Diamond laughed, still hesitating. "Is Mom mad?"

"She's raging. We promised you would call her as soon as you could, though. You okay with us living here?"

"Hell yeah, it's what I wanted! I mean, as long as they're okay with it. Mitchell said he was and I think he meant it but-"

"Mitchell wants it. Trust me." Standing up, Maslow set the doll on a pillow before taking Diamond's hand and leading him out of the cabin. He imagined shoes on Diamond's feet and they appeared, Diamond pleasantly surprised.

"Thanks!"

"It's what I'm here for."

They walked in silence toward the window, stopping before it and looking out into darkness. "I can't see anything," Diamond complained.

"That's because our eyes are closed. Go on out there, open your eyes."

"What about you?"

Maslow shrugged. "I'll hang out in here. Maybe build you a house like Mitchell did for Henderson. Any requests?"

Pursing his lips to consider it, Diamond suggested, "A hot tub?"

Maslow laughed. "You got it. If you need me, just call. I'll come running."

Diamond's face seemed to struggle, Maslow knowing the emotions were hitting him hard.

"Go," Maslow urged, pushing him gently. "Set their minds at ease, they're so worried about you."

Diamond stepped through the window, hesitating and bracing himself. Maslow blinked at the light coming through as Diamond opened their eyes, seeing Mitchell's face light up before the darkness was back.

"What are you doing?" Maslow called out. "Go back out there!"

Diamond stepped back through long enough to hug Maslow tight. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the times I tried to make you leave. I'm sorry for hating you and wanting you gone. I missed you and I'm glad you're back. Don't ever leave me alone again."

"Never," Maslow replied, kissing Diamond's cheek. "Not as long as you want me here. Just call me if you need me, okay?"

Diamond nodded. Taking a deep breath, he turned to face the window again, and then went forward to find the man who had first taught him how to feel.

XXX


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Author's notes:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

Managed another chapter this week, yay! I don't think all of this was sent to beta, I'm pretty sure the last section wasn't. Thanks to **Aranelle**, **waterwicca**, and **jdmazz** for looking over what I sent and giving input. :)

Thank you to those who left me encouraging comments in reviews for the last chapter. It helped more than you know and inspired me to write this chapter. It stops where it does because that's all I have written. Wish me luck on the next chapter.

* * *

"What the hell was that?" Henderson called out from inside Mitchell's head.

"I don't know," Mitchell replied, frustrated. He spoke aloud of habit. "He was here and then he wasn't."

"Which one was it?"

"Diamond. It was Diamond."

"How do you know?"

"I just do. I looked into his eyes."

"Oh." Henderson understood that completely.

The hand shifted in Mitchell's, fingers tightening, and his breath caught. "Someone's coming."

Hazel eyes appeared slowly when James blinked them open, getting his bearings before settling his gaze on Logan.

"Hey," Mitchell smiled, heart thumping wildly in his chest. He lifted his free hand to brush James' bangs off his forehead. "Welcome home." He felt Henderson trying to come forward but didn't allow it, not wanting to upset Diamond in any way.

"Hi." Nervous, Diamond asked, "Are you mad at me?"

"A little," Mitchell admitted, "but only for scaring us so badly. I was afraid you'd never come back."

Diamond's lips stretched into a smile. "Who else is gonna teach you how to fuck?" he teased.

Mitchell's face went red but he laughed, leaning down. Diamond met the kiss, lifting a hand to Mitchell's cheek to hold him there as it went on. "I missed you," Mitchell whispered.

"Even though I drive you crazy?"

"I'm already crazy," Mitchell shrugged. "How much worse can it get?"

Diamond smiled, sensing that Mitchell was trying to make him feel better. "Maslow said you want me around. Not just him, but me. Is that true?" Before Mitchell could answer Diamond squeezed his hand and added, "Don't lie to me. Please, just be honest. I can handle it."

Mitchell wasn't sure about that, but he didn't need to lie anyway. "Yes, James," he said softly. "Of course it's true."

"But I irritate you."

"Yes," Mitchell agreed, nodding.

"And I make you want to pull your hair out."

"That's true, too."

"And I keep attacking you even though you asked me not to."

"That is also true."

"So why would you want me here? I understand that you need me to get to Maslow, but if you didn't, why would you-"

"James," Mitchell interrupted. "It's not for him that I want you. It's for you."

"But why? Is it because you like my kisses? I know you do, don't lie this time."

With a sigh Mitchell admitted, "I love your kisses. Especially the last one, before you left yesterday. That was..."

When Mitchell couldn't find the words, Diamond grinned. "Wow?"

"Yeah. Wow. You blew me away with that because-"

Mitchell didn't get a chance to finish. He was dragged down into a kiss more intense than the one they were discussing, breath leaving him as he instinctively returned it. He felt Henderson's outrage but ignored it, for once not worrying about everyone else's feelings. Eventually he felt Henderson fade away, feeling a little guilty but not enough to stop—after all, Henderson and Maslow had done a lot more than kiss, and the way Diamond was kissing him now...

"Wow," Mitchell breathed when they finally took a breath.

"You like those kisses?" Diamond asked with a smirk.

"Obviously."

"You taught me how to kiss like that."

"I think we should practice more."

Diamond busted up laughing, eyes shining with pride and amusement. "You're so cute. I'll have you fucking in no time."

The idea that it didn't have to be Diamond crossed Mitchell's mind, that it made more sense for him to "learn" from Maslow. He kept that to himself for two reasons: one, the last thing Diamond needed to hear right now was that Maslow was preferred over him; and two, Mitchell wasn't even sure that was the case. He was nervous around Maslow in a way he wasn't around Diamond, which he didn't quite understand but knew to be true. "Let's focus on you for now, okay? What happened in there? Is Maslow all right?"

"He's fine," Diamond grinned. "He wants to build me a house, like you built Henderson."

Mitchell sat up a little straighter. "He told you about all that?"

Diamond shrugged, stating, "We talked some. I don't hate him anymore. I never really did."

"I know that," Mitchell nodded. "They were worried you'd try to hurt him, but I knew better. I know how much you've missed having someone there for you, even if he did make your life hell. He never meant to, though. You know that, right?"

"Yeah." Diamond shifted on the bed, turning onto his side to face Mitchell. "I knew it then, I just...I hate having to rely on him. I shouldn't need someone just to get through the day, you know?"

"Yes," Mitchell agreed. "I do know. It's not easy for me to deal with, either. I feel like a failure. But remember what you said at Mom's house yesterday? That it's like having someone there in your darkest hour, someone who brings light when all you can see is darkness? We need that, James. We need them."

"I don't want to need anyone."

"Neither do I. Is he...can you..."

"What?" Diamond sat up then, restless. He folded his legs under him, elbows resting on his thighs.

"Is he around?"

"Oh." Face falling slightly, Diamond shook his head. "If you want him, I can try to-"

"No." Logan reached out to squeeze Diamond's forearm. "You and I need to have a talk that they can't hear. Henderson's pissed off at me, he ran."

Eyes widening in panic, Diamond asked, "He what? Is he gone for good? Did he-"

"No," Logan said again, shaking his head. "It's fine, I don't feel that emptiness Maslow kept talking about. I think he just went to go sulk."

"Why is he upset? What did you do?"

Mitchell's lips curving up on one side, he replied, "I kissed you. He'd never seen that before, wasn't happy."

Diamond blinked in surprise. "You mean just now?"

"Yes. He was with me the whole time Maslow went in to find you. He's worried about you, James. He misses you. All he wants is to talk for a change."

Diamond's reaction was to bite his lip, eyes downcast. "I get so nervous with him," he whispered. "So afraid I'm gonna say something stupid or something to piss him off and then...you know?"

Once again Logan nodded. "Trust me, I know. I feel the same way with Maslow, I get nervous. I think it's because they mean so much to us. Not that you don't mean a lot to me, you really do, but...maybe because we started out arguing so much, it doesn't bother me to fight with you now. I know you'll still love me," he smiled.

"I never said I love you," Diamond managed softly, discomfort apparent in the way he suddenly couldn't sit still. "Not to be rude, but-"

"I get it," Mitchell interrupted. "I'm not exactly sure what it is I feel for you, but...can I ask you something?"

Diamond shrugged, sensing this would be something he didn't want to answer. Feelings were still difficult for him.

"Maslow mentioned a doll."

Blazing eyes flashed up at Mitchell. "He told you about that?" Mitchell remained silent, Diamond continuing, "Motherfucker, I'll kill him."

"Hey," Mitchell soothed, bringing James' focus back to him. "It's nothing to be ashamed of. I just wondered what it was, what makes you feel safe. Is it Henderson?"

Face suddenly on fire, Diamond couldn't meet his eyes.

"James, really. There's nothing to be ashamed of. It makes sense that when you can't rely on Maslow, you reach for someone else. I think you should tell Henderson that, that he makes you feel safe and-"

Diamond shook his head.

"He'd be flattered, I promise. It would mean so much to him to know that you think of him when you're scared, that it's him you want-"

"It's you, okay?" Frustrated, Diamond pulled himself free from Mitchell's grip and stood up, moving away from the bed and chair while Mitchell looked up at him, stunned. "You're the one who makes me feel safe. I love him, I think I might actually love him even though I've never really loved anyone and don't know what it feels like and don't even know how that's possible since we've hardly said two words to each other, but I think I love him and yet...when I was alone and scared, it was you I wanted to talk to. I kind of..."

Mitchell stood up slowly, approaching in a manner he hoped wouldn't send Diamond running. "Kind of what, James? You can tell me anything."

"I wasn't aware of a lot while I was in the cabin, mostly shut everything out, but when I first laid down and covered up and cried, I wished you were there. You couldn't be, so I made the doll. It wasn't what I really wanted, but it was good enough."

"Don't run from me," Mitchell begged softly, seeing that talking about all of this was making Diamond become agitated. "You've come so far, I know how hard it was for you to come back out and face us. You don't have to be scared, Diamond, we're not going to abandon you. We both care so much."

"I get that, but what I don't get is _why_. You and Henderson can have anyone, you can have _Maslow_. That guy's perfect, why wouldn't you want him?"

Shaking his head slowly, Mitchell closed the distance between them and slid his arms around Diamond's waist, a physical attempt at keeping him from running. "I can't speak for Henderson, and I will tell you that I do want Maslow. I never said I didn't. But I also want you. Maybe because you need me and I need to be needed. Maybe because of the way you kissed me when you woke up just now. Maybe because you barged into my shower and insulted me."

"But you hated that," Diamond chuckled. "I know you did."

"I did, and yet...when you were gone and I thought I might never talk to you again, I wanted that moment back. I wanted him to be you, I wanted to wake up with you telling me how gross it is to cuddle with me all night. I don't know why, Diamond, but there's a part of me that needs you, too. Not the Henderson part, the _me_ part. I need you."

Diamond's lips suddenly quirked up, his own arms reaching out to pull Mitchell in tighter. "Maybe you're in love with me."

"Don't give yourself a big head," Mitchell teased. "Maybe I just-"

His words were drowned out by a deep kiss, Mitchell not expecting it but giving in to it immediately. There was something stimulating about Diamond's kisses, which weren't more intense than Maslow's but definitely more aggressive. Maslow was hesitant with him, always ready to back off at the slightest sign of discomfort on Mitchell's part; Diamond pushed his limits, not afraid to go too far because even if he did, the result would be Henderson—either way, Diamond came out winning.

An insistent tongue pushed its way into Mitchell's mouth, Mitchell welcoming it and enjoying the heat spreading through his body. He was breathless when Diamond backed him up against a wall, wanting more as his legs wrapped around Diamond's waist.

"You're in love with me," Diamond mouthed against his lips. "Admit it."

He didn't understand it, couldn't find a logical explanation for it to make sense, couldn't even find the brainpower to argue. This was what James did to him—_both_ sides of James did this. "Maybe," he conceded, fighting to think straight.

"You are."

Mitchell quickly changed the subject. "We need to talk before they come back, there are things-"

"You don't want to talk right now." To prove his point, Diamond rocked him into the wall, Mitchell hissing at the friction it caused. "Let me show you what you're missing."

"James, if you want to talk to Henderson, you can just ask. You don't have to get him out this way anymore."

Diamond chuckled, kissing him once before asking, "You think I'm doing this for him? I love watching you get all crazy, fighting so hard to keep from getting turned on. Right now you want to rip my clothes off, don't you?"

"No," Logan said firmly. "I want us to talk. Why is it with you there's always sex and no talking?"

"You'd understand if you'd let me show you what sex can be like," Diamond smirked. "You'll never want to open your mouth again unless it's to—"

"Okay," Mitchell interrupted loudly, setting his feet on the floor and shoving Diamond back. "I think it's time you visited with Henderson for a while."

Terror bloomed in the hazel eyes that had been dark with lust only ten seconds before. "I don't know what to say."

"You'll figure it out."

"Can't we just fuck?"

"I'm sure he'd enjoy that, but you two really need to-"

"No, I meant us. You and me." Once again Logan was pressed up against the wall, arms pinned above his head while Diamond dove in to attack his neck.

"James, will you stop—oh. Oh wow, that feels good."

Diamond took it as an invitation, sucking harder at Logan's skin. His mouth moved down to Mitchell's collarbone, Mitchell automatically tilting his head to the side for better access. It was no wonder all Henderson and Diamond ever seemed to do was fuck, Diamond was relentless.

"Stop," Mitchell protested weakly, his shirt suddenly gone and big hands sliding over his bare skin to leave trails of fire everywhere they touched. When had Diamond released his hands and why were they working to remove Diamond's shirt? He didn't remember telling them to do that. He closed his eyes, knowing Diamond would keep him from collapsing should that happen, and turned inward to find out if Henderson was somehow controlling his actions while he was conscious. There was no Henderson in sight, though.

A sharp nip to his shoulder brought Mitchell back to the moment with a gasp. "Don't disappear on me," Diamond warned. "This is gonna happen."

"James, it won't work. You know I'll just...just..." Words failed him as Diamond sucked at his neck again, greedy fingers going to work on his pants. "James," was all he could manage, a fog rising in his brain.

Mitchell's pants came down as Diamond fell to his knees. Soft pink lips closed in, James' mouth opening in anticipation, and the fog was broken; he couldn't let this happen. "No. No, James, stop!"

But Diamond didn't stop, he teased the tip with his tongue instead, setting off intense panic in Mitchell. _Henderson!_ he called out in his mind. _Henderson, help! I need you! Please, I can't do this, please! _

There was no answer. Suddenly there was a sleeve of warmth over him, a wet mouth taking himin and applying pressure, and it was delicious but _wrong_. It was so wrong, they couldn't do this, it wasn't allowed._ HENDERSON! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, PLEASE!_

Nothing. "James. James, wait, something's wrong, he's not..." Diamond didn't let up, Mitchell gasping and instinctively pressing forward before the panic became too much to bear. "Stop!" he yelled, shoving Diamond away from him. Diamond fell back onto his knees, hurt in his eyes as he looked up and rested a hand on the carpet. "Something's wrong. He didn't come out this time."

"Maybe you didn't need him for once. You were loving that."

"I _did_ need him," Logan argued. "I called him. I kept calling and he didn't answer. If he locked himself inside a cabin, I swear I will-"

"Go find him." Diamond stood, lifting Mitchell completely off the ground to carry him to the bed. "It's your turn now, go after him."

"Where's Maslow?"

"I don't know, I'll go find out. Just...fuck, Logan. Bring Henderson back. Don't let him hide like I did."

Mitchell fixed his pants, feeling better once he was securely covered again. He scooted over on the bed, making room for Diamond to join him.

"Tell him I need him," Diamond commanded once he was settled. "Tell him...tell him I love him."

"I will. Make sure Maslow's okay."

Both taking deep breaths, they linked hands and closed their eyes, stepping through windows that had become the doors to their souls.

* * *

Worried about what he might find, Mitchell made his way slowly through the house in his mind. The kitchen was empty, as was Henderson's bedroom. Maybe Henderson had locked himself in the greenhouse. He wished he'd taken the time to ask Diamond how he'd broken into the cabin, but quickly realized the obvious answer-his mind controlled everything.

Henderson sat in the hot tub, clad in a pair of boxers and no less than ten empty bottles of beer scattered around him on the patio. He was in the midst of an epic sulk, another bottle raised to his lips as his throat worked. He refused to acknowledge Mitchell standing over him, gaze averted and fixed on the greenhouse.

With a deep sigh, Mitchell pulled a chair over from the table he'd set up earlier in the day. After sinking into it, he clasped his hands between his legs and asked, "What are you doing?"

There was an apathetic shrug. "What do you care?"

"Henderson, look at me."

Henderson's reply was to shift so his back was completely to Mitchell. He downed the rest of that beer and tossed it aside, another magically appearing to take its place.

"You know you can't get drunk off that, right? Alcohol affects you by getting into your blood, and since this is all in our head it has no effect on us physically. There's no way to-"

"Will you shut up for five minutes with your overactive brain? Why do you have to be so logical all the time? Can't you just let me have a little peace for a change?" Henderson suddenly threw the bottle and it crashed against the concrete, splintering into slivers from the force and causing Mitchell to jump slightly. "You're telling me that wouldn't have hurt you if it had broken on your face? Maslow was scared for a reason, Mitchell. Kill you in here, you're done. I run the place all by myself then."

Chills running through him, Mitchell sat up straight. "I thought we were past this. You want to kill me now?"

Bleary, sad eyes finally met his as Henderson shifted in the water. "It hurts. I didn't know how much it would hurt to see you with him, see him kissing you like that. You knew how badly I needed him, how badly I was dying to talk to him. You held me back, took him for yourself."

"I didn't mean to, I just didn't want to send him running. He was still nervous and-"

"He's in love with you. I didn't expect that."

"He's not in love with me," Mitchell replied after a pause.

"Bullshit, I saw it in his eyes. He knew it was you and that was enough. He didn't even ask about me."

"You took off before he could! I'm here now because he's worried about you. We both are. He's just nervous around you, doesn't know what to say. He does so much better with sex than words, you know that."

"Yeah, well he sure as hell wasn't using words with you."

Barely reining in his temper, which he'd never had a problem with until meeting the Jameses, Mitchell said, "You know something? You don't have the right to be pissed off about this."

"Excuse me? I claimed him from the day we met."

"And I claimed Maslow. That didn't stop you from sleeping with him."

"I didn't sleep with him! We've been through this, I could have but I stopped, okay? For Diamond. I stopped for Diamond. Who's in love with you."

"He's hardly had the _time_ to fall in love with you properly! Even so, it's you he dreams about. It's you he wants to actually date. Which is crazy, considering you've already slept together. But he wants that with you, wants a proper boyfriend. You should've seen him yesterday when we watched the video you two did for me. Maslow was teasing you about having feelings for Diamond and Diamond went ballistic. He's dying to talk to you, to try something more than sex. Trust me, once he gets to that level with you, he won't even have eyes for me. I'm just...his safety net right now. That won't last, Henderson."

Henderson studied Mitchell, who was staring down at his feet; the sadness in his tone was impossible to miss. "Hey, he needs you. We all do. Don't sell yourself short."

"Yeah, I'm great at figuring things out. At solving problems. When it comes to sex, I fail. I can't even handle a blow job, Henderson. I freak out and go running to you. Maslow's going to get fed up with that really fast, and then _he'll _want to spend all his time with you, too. You've got it all."

Surprisingly, Henderson chuckled. "We're all so fucked up. Each one of us thinks we have nothing to offer, that the other guys won't want us when they can have the other. But the truth is you need me. I need you. They need each other. Maslow and I agreed that it's impossible to choose, that we should all just be together and not worry about who belongs to who. I love him, he loves me. You love him, he loves you. And don't argue when I say it, because you know it's true-you and Diamond love each other. We need to just accept it and stop fighting over one another."

"Even when it hurts to see me kissing Diamond?" Mitchell asked softly, his voice barely audible over the bubbling water.

Henderson bit his lip, finally nodding. "Even then," he replied with a touch of sadness. "Because we'll all feel that jealousy, we can't help it."

Mitchell cocked an eyebrow. "You know, there is a way to fix that. To put the fear of losing him to rest."

Henderson met his gaze, hope in his eyes.

"Go out there and spend the night with him. The whole night, not just an hour in bed. Maslow and I talked about it, we don't mind staying in to give you two time together."

"Really? You'd do that for me?"

"You did it for me," Mitchell smiled, laying a hand on Henderson's shoulder and squeezing. "Best night of my life. Go out there and talk to him. Get to know him. Make him breakfast in the morning. He loves pancakes."

"Yeah? I make killer apple pancakes."

"Go for it, Henderson. The worst that'll happen is he'll run again and you'll spend the night with Maslow. But I think Maslow can keep him out there."

Henderson grinned like a little boy, excited at the prospect of spending so much time with his favorite person. "I'm kind of nervous."

"Don't be. It's Diamond. Be for him what you are for Maslow, and for me. Be his friend. And then maybe fuck him in the shower," Mitchell smirked. "He seemed to want that."

Henderson laughed, then lifted himself out of the jacuzzi. "He does love it up against the wall. Then again, he loves it anywhere. Fuck, I miss that."

"I'm sure you do. He's desperate, get out there and claim him again. He loves that, too."

"I know he does. But I don't want it to be just sex."

"Do what feels right. When I left, he was going inside to talk to Maslow. I don't know what you'll find when you get out there."

"One way to find out."

Mitchell stood up to follow Henderson through the house and to the front window, which was dark. When Henderson hesitated, Mitchell slid his arms around Henderson's waist and whispered, "Go. Be what he needs."

Henderson gripped the arms holding him tight, taking comfort and strength from them, then loosened the hold to step forward. "He'll still love you, you know," he turned back to pass on. "Even when he loves me."

Mitchell nodded, finally accepting that it mattered to him-a lot more than he'd wanted to admit.

* * *

Henderson woke to the sight of James sitting cross-legged over him, staring down in anticipation and a little bit of fear. He knew immediately it was Diamond.

"Did you find him? Is he okay?" Diamond asked in a rush, and when Henderson's lips creased into a slow smile, Diamond froze, fingers digging into his knees. "Oh. Hi."

"Hey there, sexy. I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am to see you."

Diamond seemed to melt then, blushing as he looked away. "I um...I'm happy to see you, too. Mitchell said you ran."

"Not like you did, I just needed some time away. Can you promise me you'll never do that again?" Henderson slid a hand out to link with Diamond's, gripping tight. "You scared us to death, James."

"I'm sorry," Diamond whispered, staring down at their clasped hands and looking as if he might hyperventilate.

Henderson's heart sank; they hadn't gotten past this yet. He drew his hand back and sat up to rub his face, Diamond scooting away to give him room. Part of him was tempted to just attack James, anything but that terrified gaze would be welcome, but he knew if he did they'd never get anywhere. "What happened to the cocky bastard I met at the group meeting the other night?" he asked suddenly. "Do I have to bring jelly donuts into this to keep you from running?"

The teasing brought about the result Henderson was hoping for, Diamond blushing again but grinning. "He's still here," Diamond replied. "Just..." The smile died as he met Henderson's gaze. "Scared."

"Why are you so afraid of me?" Henderson asked softly, turning now to face James on the bed. James started to look uncomfortable again and Henderson grabbed both hands. "Stay with me. Please, James. Why am I so scary to you?"

After chewing on his lip so long Henderson feared he wasn't going to reply, Diamond finally whispered, "Because you have the power to hurt me. Like no one ever has before."

The answer stunned Henderson. He let the words hang between them for a long moment, searching for his own. "But you trust Mitchell. I know you do. Why him and not me?"

Diamond shrugged. "I don't know. I didn't trust him in the beginning. Have I ever told you how much that guy annoys me?"

Henderson couldn't help but laugh, nodding as he squeezed Diamond's hands tighter. "I know the feeling. But you've spent more time with him, it's natural that you learned to trust him. Give me the same chance, James. I promise I won't hurt you, never intentionally. I know I did when I said what I did about Maslow, but you have to cut me some slack on that. You're in love with Mitchell, too, and I have to live with that."

"I'm not in-"

"Bullshit. Will you two quit kidding yourselves? I saw it in your eyes when you came back. And it hurts, a lot, but I get it because that's how I feel about Maslow. You can't help it any more than I can. Is Maslow around, by the way?"

"No, he's probably working on the house. I told him to put in a hot tub," Diamond grinned.

Henderson's face lit up. "Mitchell built me one, too! It's awesome, I just spent like some time in it. I wish I could ask you over to come play in mine but..."

"Yeah," Diamond nodded sadly. "Too bad we don't have a hot tub in real life."

"Maybe one day we can." When Diamond's eyes widened in surprise, Henderson chuckled. "It could happen. I like to dream big."

James favored him with a brilliant smile before stating, "I really missed you."

Logan's answering grin was a bit goofy as he asked, "So can I take you out? Doesn't have to be anything special, we already ate dinner. How about I buy you some donuts?"

It was as if a switch had been turned on in Diamond's face, he couldn't seem to kill the smile. "Jelly?"

"Of course. I'd suggest we stay here but we probably wouldn't leave the bed."

"Which isn't necessarily a bad thing."

"True," Henderson laughed, "but I really would like to get to know you better."

Suddenly shy again, Diamond replied, "I'd like that, too. But maybe later we can come back here and...?"

When he trailed off, Henderson nodded emphatically. "Oh, hell yes. I'm not spending an entire night with you and not fucking you at least three times."

"Oh god," James whined, fingers clawing at the sheet. He dragged Henderson closer with one hand on his neck and whispered into his ear. "You called me a little bitch. Make me that, make me your bitch."

The air disappeared from Henderson's lungs in a rush. "Fuck, James." He leaned back, putting distance between them as he tried to control his breathing. It amazed him how quickly Diamond affected him physically. "Later. We'll do that later. I need more of you this time. I need your heart."

Diamond melted again, lifting a hand to Henderson's cheek. "You already have that. I wouldn't be so terrified right now if you didn't."

Henderson chanced a mild kiss, wanting to follow through on everything else but restraining himself; Diamond surprised him by keeping it reined in as well, kissing with his heart rather than his body. After pulling back, Henderson smiled. "We're gonna be okay, you know. We'll make this work."

"Not if you don't make good on those donuts. Less talk, more action."

Henderson cracked up and tackled Diamond to the bed, kissing him hard and leaving him wanting a minute later by jumping off the bed. He grabbed a light jacket from the closet and spun back to find Diamond staring up at him. "Quit laying around, I thought you wanted donuts," he teased.

"You're such an asshole. Kiss me like that and then just stop?"

Henderson grinned. "I'm a tease. Get used to it."

A slow but evil smile spread over Diamond's lips. "You have no idea what you're in for."

Henderson's smirk rivaled the smile on Diamond's face as he replied, "Can't wait to find out."

XXX


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Author's notes:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

I'm ready to throw my hands up over this fic. I'm back to not making any progress because the plans I make keep getting tossed aside on a whim from Henderson or Maslow. I have a plan for this fic, I really do, and eventually I'll get them there. In the meantime...they keep doing what they want instead of what I tell them to and what happens at the end of this chapter was not supposed to happen. Two of them got angry and scared and lashed out and that's what happened. I have the rest of the night planned out, though, and IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN THE WAY I INTEND IT TO. NO MORE OF THIS CRAP WHERE THE OTHER PERSONALITIES POP UP AND TAKE OVER AND JUST...UGH. I'M SO FRUSTRATED.

And I hope this isn't confusing, I know it can be when all four of them are "together," so to speak. Hoping I made the transitions clear enough. Thank you to **Aranelle** and **waterwicca** for the betas on this. You guys are the best.

This chapter was going to be posted tomorrow night instead, but I happened to jump on Tumblr and saw **celskier** begging for an update on one of three stories. This was one of them, and I was bored, so what the hell. Hope you like it, Steph.

P.S. For anyone wondering, I did name Dr. Steph after her. :)

* * *

They were almost out the door, Diamond's hand secure in his, when Henderson halted. "Wait."

"Wait? No waiting, let's go. Who knows how late the place is open?" Diamond tugged him forward, but Henderson dug in his heels.

"Relax, we've got until at least midnight," Henderson chuckled as he pulled Diamond in and wrapped his arms around Diamond's waist. "I promised your mom I'd have you call her. As much as I hate that woman, I keep my promises." He hated even more that he'd brought fear into Diamond's eyes again, adding, "It's fine. She can't make you go back."

"What if she can?"

"She can't. You're safe."

"You don't know my mom. She gets what she wants." Diamond huddled into Henderson, who hugged him close.

"You're safe," Henderson repeated. "I won't let her take you. Neither will Mitchell." He kissed Diamond's temple, loving the way Diamond clung to him.

"Promise?"

"A thousand times over." With a smirk, he added, "We know Maslow won't."

"We do?"

"You should've seen him with her earlier. It was all you, though, he's a part of you. You're a lot stronger than you realize."

Warm hazel eyes met Henderson's darker ones. "Did Mitchell slip in without me noticing?"

"Nope," Henderson grinned. "This is all me." He lifted his lips for a soft, comforting kiss. "See? I'm not so scary."

_There_ was the bright smile he'd fallen in love with. Kissing Diamond again, Henderson said, "But I guess I'm a part of Mitchell the way Maslow's a part of you, so it makes sense we mesh sometimes."

"I guess," Diamond agreed before sweeping Henderson into a deeper kiss simply because he could. "You kiss a little bit like he does."

"I do?" Henderson asked in surprise.

"When we kiss like this, yes. You're just more...abandoned."

After allowing another kiss that continued until Henderson wanted nothing more than to drag Diamond back to the bed he imagined they'd be using more often than not, he gently pushed Diamond away. "Call your mom."

Diamond responded with a whiny noise of frustration. "She's just gonna scream at me and tell me I'm an idiot. Then she'll threaten to lock me up if I don't go back."

Bracing his hands on Diamond's shoulders, Henderson stared into his eyes. "You are a grown man. She has no power over you."

"If she convinces the doctors I'm incompetent-"

"It would take a lot for that to happen, and Mitchell would never allow it. He's smart, remember? He'd figure it out. Trust us, beautiful." Rubbing a thumb over Diamond's lips, he whispered, "Trust yourself."

For a brief moment there was so much love in Diamond's eyes it almost knocked Henderson over, but before he could do anything about it the fear was back. Diamond had felt something so strongly it threatened to send him running, and to prevent that Henderson distracted him with a long kiss. "Still here?" he finally asked.

Diamond nodded, coming out of a daze before reaching into his pocket for the phone he hoped was there. He stepped away to settle himself on the arm of the couch while Henderson approached to rest a hand on his shoulder.

"Oh. Looks like I missed a call from her." James stared at the screen in trepidation.

"When?"

"About an hour ago? I wonder why he didn't answer."

"Who knows if he even heard it, we've all been a little busy inside our heads."

"My phone was on silent anyway. Shit, she texted me, too." Diamond clicked to open the text, his eyes widening as his jaw dropped. "Oh my god! I got a callback!"

"You got a what?" Henderson leaned forward, glancing down over Diamond's shoulder.

The text read _"Call me, you got a callback on an audition."_

"Oh my god! Henderson! This is awesome!" James was beaming, turning his head back to smile brightly. "I've waited so long for this!"

Frowning, Henderson narrowed his eyes. "That's certainly convenient. You've never gotten one before, right?"

"No! She'd tell me that, I know she would."

Logan wasn't so sure. "James...why would your mom get a call about it before you?"

"Because when I audition, I give them her number. I was having so many problems with my cell service for a while that Mom suggested I just do that instead. She never has problems with hers."

Henderson's eyes fell closed as it all made sense. He sighed deeply as he moved to lower himself to the couch, a hand on Diamond's thigh above him. "James...doesn't she have the same service as you?"

"No, she's got some premium plan that I don't need because I don't do a lot of business over the phone like she does. It's not like I have friends or anything to talk with for hours. I wonder which part I got, it's been a few weeks since I auditioned for anything. I always assumed Maslow was getting the messages because I can't bomb every audition, right? Can you imagine him doing _anything_ badly? I don't understand why he hasn't landed me something before now."

Hesitantly, Henderson said, "Maslow told me your mother lies."

"Not to me. She may be a controlling bitch, but she doesn't lie to me. That much I know."

"How?"

"How?" Diamond echoed.

"Yes. How do you know?"

"I just do. My mom does love me, no matter what Maslow says."

"Yet she constantly wants to have you committed."

"No, she doesn't _want_ to. It's more that she wants me to get better. She thinks the doctors can help me."

"James..." Henderson began yet again. He reached up to rub a hand over his forehead as if getting rid of a headache. "Can I talk to Maslow for a second? Or can you?"

"Why?"

"Just...let me talk to him? Please? I swear it's only for a minute, we're still spending the night together."

"Swear?"

"Of course."

Diamond looked into his eyes to gauge his sincerity, finally nodding. "Okay, but only for a minute. What do you want to talk to him about?"

"The auditions."

"Fine."

Henderson watched as Diamond's face went blank, eyes closing as he focused inward. Ten seconds later the eyes opened again, and they'd changed.

"Hey," Henderson smiled.

"Hey. Didn't expect to be back out here until morning, at least. What's up?"

"Is he listening?"

Maslow paused for a second, then nodded. "Want him to leave?"

"No, I want him to hear this. Has your mom ever called to tell you about any callbacks for the auditions you do?"

Maslow shook his head. "No, why would she?"

"Because he gives her number on the contact sheet."

Maslow was speechless for a few seconds, dumbfounded, and then, "Are you kidding me? Diamond, is this true?" After a pause he said, "The big deal is she's a lying bitch! I can't believe you'd honestly think she would tell you the truth about it! No wonder we never got any callbacks. She doesn't want you to succeed."

Henderson interrupted. "Be totally honest with me here. Are you a good actor?"

"I thought so. There were a few parts I nailed, I was sure it was in the bag. Always figured Diamond was getting the calls. Diamond, you can't trust her! I'm sorry, but you can't!"

"So not all of his paranoia is misplaced," Henderson mused. "She really doesn't want to see him succeed. But Maslow, she texted a little bit ago and said he got a callback."

"Oh, bullshit. She knows that'll get him to call. Diamond...dude, I love you, but you're so oblivious sometimes. Mom is lying, she just wants you to call her." Another pause while Maslow listened to the voice in his head. "I'm not saying you didn't get a callback but think about it. Why now? After all this time, now suddenly it happens? No way. Fine, call her. We promised her you would anyway. Just don't fall for her shit. In fact, come out here and call her now. I'm gonna listen in and tell you when she's lying. I can always tell."

Henderson was a tad amused watching James argue with himself, imagining he and Mitchell would appear the same to an onlooker. Nobody understood them the way they understood each other.

Suddenly Diamond was back, after a brief switchover that Henderson had learned to recognize when watching for it. "Okay, I'm calling Mom. I still think you guys are wrong, Mom wouldn't lie about that."

Henderson sat back on the couch and shrugged, then asked, "If Mitchell said it, would you believe him?"

Diamond's gaze cut down to Henderson's quick, and Henderson knew the answer. "Hang on, I'll get him," he sighed. "Are we ever gonna get this date going?"

"You're the one who stopped me from leaving and forced me to call her," Diamond pointed out sassily.

"Fine. Give me a minute."

Henderson called out for Mitchell in his mind, not surprised when Mitchell quickly responded. "So James' mom texted him to say he got a callback for an audition," he began, speaking out loud for Diamond's benefit.

"Really? Just now?" Mitchell asked inside Henderson's head.

"Yes. Apparently it's her number he leaves as a contact, not his own. Come talk to him and explain why Maslow and I think she's failing to give him the messages."

Mitchell came forward, Henderson falling back and allowing it. Taking in their positions, Mitchell moved his hand from Diamond's thigh to search out and grab Diamond's hand. "So your mom gets the calls when you audition?"

"Logan, she's not gonna lie to me about that. She knows how much it means to me."

Gently, Mitchell replied, "She also knows what an embarrassment it would be if your condition became known publicly. It might hurt her business. And if you get famous, they'll find out everything they can about you. About you being committed before, about the possible molestation...were any reports ever filed on that?"

"Of course not," Diamond sneered. "She never believed me, told them all I was lying and it was part of the...psychosis or whatever you call it. Normally they take those reports seriously but I was obviously crazy, so they didn't do anything."

"Do you see then why she'd lie to you about this? Why she'd want to keep you home and be so upset over you moving out? She can't keep her eye on you this way."

The bitterness was gone, hurt replacing it on Diamond's face as he shook his head. "No, she'd rather be rid of me than have to deal with it all the time. She probably couldn't wait to get rid of me."

"Honestly, James..." Mitchell hesitated, knowing Diamond was already agitated, but pushed on; he needed to face this. "I think she lies to you plenty when she has to. You told me the night we met your mother and the doctors were out to get you. You're the one who told me she cares more about her reputation than about you."

"Yeah, but that's...I mean...she still loves me, Logan," Diamond argued, his eyes pleading with Mitchell to agree. "She wouldn't lie about something that means so much to me."

"Is Maslow there?"

"What?" For a second Diamond looked confused, then a little betrayed. "Is this how it's gonna be all the time now? You guys always wanting to talk to him instead of me?"

Mitchell heard Henderson immediately start talking as if Diamond could hear him, rushing to prove to Diamond that wasn't the case. He tried to communicate to Henderson that he had it handled, and said aloud, "I don't want to talk to him. I just want to know if he's listening."

"Oh. Yeah, he's here. He says he'll leave if you want him to."

"No, I want him here. He'll keep you from running."

Diamond looked indignant then, as if about to argue, but then Mitchell reached up to pull Diamond down until he was settled on his lap sideways. Arms wrapped tight around Diamond, Mitchell placed his mouth close to Diamond's ear and said softly, "She's lying to you."

"She wouldn't!"

"James, you have to face that your mother isn't what you think she is. Call her. If she tries to get you home rather than just give you the information, that's your proof."

"Fine. You guys are all wrong. You don't know my mother."

"Maslow does," Mitchell reminded him. "And I think you should realize by now that Maslow will be more honest with you than anyone else in the world."

Mitchell couldn't hear what Maslow was saying to Diamond, but he knew it was something to back up what he'd just said. Diamond appeared both sad and if he was hearing things he didn't want to acknowledge.

"Call her," Mitchell urged when he felt the moment was right.

Staring at the phone in his hand, Diamond asked in a tiny voice, "Stay with me?"

The pain slicing through Henderson at the question was enough to make Mitchell feel almost guilty, but he nodded. "Right here." _And I'm sorry,_ he said silently.

_Whatever,_ was the reply from Henderson, who seemed to give up as he retreated. Though Mitchell was tempted to go after Henderson, he knew Diamond needed him more right now.

Diamond braced himself as he placed the call, eyes hard when he said, "Hey, Mom."

Maslow was able to listen in, ready to pipe up when he heard anything that sounded off.

"James! I was so worried, where are you?"

"I'm at my new apartment with Logan. They told you about that, right?"

"Yes, but I know you'd never leave me by choice. Did they brainwash you?"

"Of course not," Diamond replied with a tiny smile. "I want to live here. Logan's just like me, he understands me."

"And I'm sure he wants to encourage your sickness rather than treat it. He's already upset you enough to retreat into hiding, hasn't he? You need to come home so I can take you back to Dr. Rollins and-"

"No." He said it firmly, in a way Mitchell was proud of. At Mitchell's encouraging smile, Diamond continued, "I'm not going back to Dr. Rollins. Logan has a different doctor he wants me to try and-"

"Oh, enough with this Logan! I met him, I don't trust him. He's only being nice to you because you're rich."

Immediately Maslow spoke up, calling out to Diamond. "Oh, she is so full of shit, put me on the phone! Let me talk to her, now!"

But Diamond didn't. The words had hurt him, not because he believed they were true but because she thought he would be stupid enough to fall for that. "Mom...that's not true. Logan cares about me."

"He cares about your money, dear. And he knows you'll be famous one day, wants a piece of that. Stop being so blind, James! The man hardly knows you, why else would he ask you to move in so quickly?"

Diamond was becoming agitated again, Mitchell leaning in to kiss his neck softly. He heard Diamond's intake of breath at the touch and did it again, sucking gently until he felt Diamond relax a little.

"Because he loves me," Diamond said into the phone. "One side of him does, anyway. The other cares about me at the very least."

Whispering into Diamond's free ear, Mitchell said, "The other loves you, too. He just didn't want to admit it."

Diamond turned to him in shock, eyes full of so much feeling Mitchell wondered how he wasn't trying to run. They vaguely heard Mrs. Diamond rambling into the phone, something about how it was impossible to love someone you didn't even know, and suddenly Diamond interrupted her. "Mom, hold on a second."

The phone was dropped on a nearby table, all of Diamond's focus suddenly on the face staring back at him. "You love me?"

Mitchell nodded solemnly. "It's okay if you don't feel the same way, I know I'm not Henderson and I'm nerdy and argumentative and I drive you crazy but-"

"Shut up."

Lips smothered in a kiss, Mitchell couldn't have spoken if he'd tried. Never had he been kissed with so much passion, not even by Maslow, though if asked he would have said he felt some of Maslow in the kiss. It made sense, considering Maslow was an extension of Diamond. He returned the kiss just as intensely, a rush of so much affection and tenderness running through him to war with lust and need that he felt off balance, and yet he'd never felt more at peace. There was a brief moment where Diamond broke away to whisper, "I'm sorry" and then his lips were back, Mitchell deepening it while Diamond's hand cupped the back of his head to press him closer as if he couldn't get far enough into Mitchell's mouth.

"James!"

The screech was muffled but loud enough to penetrate, causing Diamond to pull back breathlessly and grab for his phone. "I'm here. Sorry, Mom. Um...what were we talking about?'

"About how you can't possibly be in love with someone you've only known a few days."

One hand still on Mitchell's head, Diamond slid it forward to cup his face. A thumb moved over a dark eyebrow, then slid over soft lips that were stretched into a tender smile. "Oh, it's possible, Mom. Trust me."

"So I was right. I knew you were sneaking out with men. Do you know what this can do to me? My son not only insane but gay on top of it? James, how can you do this to me? Stop and think for a second about the fact that you're throwing away your life! You can't get a role as a leading man in Hollywood if you're gay. Most female actors won't work with that, they find it disgusting."

"What does it matter, it's not like I get any callbacks anyway, right?" Diamond asked smoothly, listening closely to her reaction.

"Oh, well you did get one. I can't find the information right now, I wrote it down on a piece of paper but I'll find it by the time you get home. I'll send the car for you now."

Alarm bells sounded in Diamond's head and he shook his head. "Just call me with the information when you find it. If I don't answer, leave a message."

"James Diamond, you are coming home this instant! I won't have you ruining your life over some psychotic boy you don't even know who has you brainwashed!"

Diamond chuckled softly, still staring into Mitchell's eyes until he leaned forward to touch their lips together briefly. "Mom? He's the sanest person I've ever met."

Mitchell grinned, eyes dancing. "At least half of me is," he joked quietly.

"I'm gonna go now," Diamond said to his mother. "Call me with that information when you find it."

"James, listen to reason! I can't help you if you don't let me."

"Mom, just...please. Let me figure things out. There's so much going on and for the first time in my life I feel like I'm worthy of something good. Let me have this, please."

"You're a fool, James. If you're going to throw your life away, I'm not going to stand around and watch."

"What does that mean?"

"Don't come running to me when your fairy tale falls apart."

"Mom, I'm not doing anything wrong! I just want to try something new, figure out what to do with my life. Something needs to change."

"Call me when you've come to your senses."

Sensing she was about to hang up, Diamond said, "Wait! Call me with the information on the audition."

"Oh, that? Guess what, James? I lied. There is no callback. You've turned down so many parts by now that nobody bothers to call you anymore. I'm surprised they even let you audition."

Diamond blinked slowly, trying to make sense of the words. "Turned down...what are you talking about? I never got any parts."

"You got plenty, but you weren't ready for them. At this rate you never will be. Someday you'll thank me for this, James."

Face a mask of shock, Diamond was speechless. Mitchell watched him in alarm, not sure what his mother had said but knowing it was something that pushed him to his limit. "James?" he asked softly, turning Diamond's face to his.

The expression changed so suddenly Mitchell actually drew back. James was off his lap and furious, voice thundering into the phone. "You fucking bitch! How could you do that to him? You know how much it means to him, you know that's what he lives for! It's the only thing that keeps him going, the hope that one day he might live his dream! How can you do that to your own son? I knew you were a lying bitch but to keep this from him? To keep him a prisoner like that, with no hope of ever going anywhere with his life? Fuck you! No way in hell is he ever going back to that house! Don't even bother to call him again! You don't deserve to call him a son."

The phone was tossed down onto the couch after Maslow disconnected the call. He paced the room, looking as if he wanted to punch something. "What the hell is she thinking? All this time he was getting callbacks and she turned them down? What, told them he wasn't interested in the part? Fucking bitch! I knew I was better than that."

Having never seen James so angry (either side of him), Mitchell was a bit hesitant to say anything that would make the situation worse. He settled for, "Is Diamond okay?"

Murderous eyes flashed at him. Maslow halted his momentum to stare down at Mitchell. "He went into hiding again. And don't even ask, I'm not going after him. Not right now. He needs time."

Mitchell stood up fast, incredulous. "James, you can't let him keep disappearing every time he gets upset. If you get him out here so I can talk to him, we can show him there are better ways to deal with his feelings. He was doing better, I don't want him to take a step back and-"

"You don't know him like I do!" Maslow roared, hands clenched into fists. "Be in love with him all you want but it's me whose been there for him all these years, it's me who got him through the hell of his stepfather fucking him hard enough to split him wide open! I'm the one he always ran to, the one who kept him safe! You can't just come into his life and expect to be his everything, that's not how it works!"

Stunned by the outburst, Mitchell said, "I don't expect to be his everything. But I know he'd handle this better if he talked it out with someone, I don't care if it's you, me, or Henderson. Tell him he can talk to whoever he wants, but he needs to talk about it."

"Right now he needs to hide. I'm still good for something, you know."

Mitchell was at a loss. "Of course you are. He needs you. Why are you so...oh." It fell into place, Mitchell remembering that Maslow had witnessed every moment of that phone call, including his confession of love to Diamond. "James..."

"You don't have to explain anything to me. I'm not a real person anyway."

"Maslow, can we not do this now? He's going through agony and he needs someone to comfort him. If you're not going to do it, let me."

"No. I told you, I know what he needs."

"Henderson's going to go crazy once he knows Diamond went back into hiding, can't we just-"

He broke off at a sudden sharp pain in his head, as if someone was breaking glass inside his skull. Doubled over, his hands immediately went to both sides of his head, the pain so bad he thought he might vomit. When he cried out, Maslow approached. "Logan? Logan, what's wrong?"

He couldn't speak, though, blackness rising on all sides. He felt his limbs go weak, felt strong arms there to catch him when he fell, and then he knew no more.

* * *

"Logan! Shit! Logan!" Maslow fell to his knees, the weight of Logan dragging him down, but he cradled the body that was lifeless. Just as he was about to reach for his phone, jumbled thoughts telling him to call an ambulance, Logan's eyes flew open and he sat up, hands out as if to steady himself. "Shit! Are you okay?"

He blinked a few times, then focused on Maslow. "I'm fine. He's fine, too, don't worry."

"Who? Who the fuck are you?"

"Henderson. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"What...is he...dude, what the hell just happened?"

"I took over." Henderson got to his feet, holding out a hand to help Maslow up. "He didn't have a choice this time."

Unsure how to respond to that, Maslow took the proffered hand and stood slowly. "Was he fighting you?"

"No, but he would've. You and I need to talk. Where's Diamond?"

"He's hiding again. Mom upset him so he went running."

"But he's okay?"

"He'll be fine. Just give him time, I'm not going to chase him yet."

"I'm not asking you to. I think we have a problem, Maslow."

"What, them falling in love? I don't know if it's a problem, but it sure as hell hurts. Weren't we the ones telling them it's okay to love everyone? Now that it's happening I hate it."

"It's okay as long as they still need us. I don't know how much longer Diamond's going to need you. Mitchell seems to be the only one who can comfort him when he's scared."

Not wanting to admit that Henderson had a point or that his own thoughts had been running the same course, Maslow pointed out, "He still needs you to fuck. Mitchell's not there yet."

"But he will be, soon enough. You were Diamond's safety net when he got scared. Now he's got Mitchell. What the hell does he need you for?"

Maslow turned away, silent.

"And once Diamond gets him in bed, Mitchell won't have a use for me, either. We've got to figure out what to do here. I don't want to die, James. Do you?"

Spinning back to face Henderson, Maslow shook his head but didn't offer more except, "Where is he?"

"Mitchell? He's fine. He's asleep."

"Asleep?" With a raised eyebrow, he asked, "Why does that sound ominous?"

"It's not. I swear. He's sleeping soundly on the couch near the window. I might've helped him sleep a little."

"Shit, Henderson, what did you do? He trusts you!"

"I didn't do anything bad. Does nobody trust me?" Henderson complained.

Maslow looked him in the eye, studying him closely. "Tell me he's not in any danger and that he'll wake up soon."

"Soon enough," Henderson nodded. "You have my promise. Diamond?"

"He'll be in hiding for at least a few hours."

They stared at each other, realizing that for the first time they had what amounted to alone time they could count on, with no danger of interruptions from either side. The look between them shifted, the magnet pulling them closer, and all it took was the touch of Maslow's hand on Henderson's chest for them to snap. Part of it was simply being alive, having the unexpected opportunity to explore things they hadn't yet without the fear of hurting feelings, but mostly it was because each was wound up so tight and had been fighting it for so long that they didn't know how to anymore. It was as if they'd been chained up and staring at each other for years, wanting but never getting, dreaming but never living, and after what they'd each witnessed between Diamond and Mitchell there was no guilt.

Sounds of desperation accompanied their hands and mouths on each other, clothing making a hasty getaway in their hurry to just _do_ this, both afraid the other would stop it before they could let it happen. There was no need to worry, though, as they were both ready to set aside inhibitions and embrace the attraction between them. Henderson's teeth found numerous places to dig in, Maslow's groans encouraging him to continue, and by the time Maslow was shoved back onto the bed there were light bruises forming in places they'd faded from Diamond's skin. Henderson used his knees to spread Maslow's legs, lips now suctioned over Maslow's, and reached out to feel under the mattress for supplies that would make the process easier.

"How long has it been?" he grated, following the question with a sharp nip at Maslow's bottom lip.

"Agh!" Maslow cried out, even that simple touch igniting him intensely. "Don't worry about it, just-"

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't. Trust me, this body's been through a lot. Diamond's used to this. Just..." Slick fingers were shoved roughly inside him and he moaned loudly, eyes rolling back. "Henderson, fuck! Just do this!"

After kissing their way through Henderson's stretching of him, Maslow licked his lips and tried to breathe; there was so much sensation, he hadn't experienced it himself in far too long. "Please," he finally begged. If this didn't happen he was surely going to die.

Henderson didn't disappoint him, though. He pushed in slowly, one hand guiding himself while the other wrapped around Maslow and stroked, but Maslow halted that movement quickly. "Don't or I'll lose it. Want this to last."

"Not too sure I can do that for you." Henderson tried, though, taking it slowly even though both of them wanted so much more. He watched Maslow under him, took in the expressions on his face and the sounds coming from his throat, the way his muscles moved under taut, tan skin. "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

"Love you, too," Maslow managed, a smile playing at his lips but it shifted into a moan when Henderson moved in a particular way. "Fuck! That."

Henderson nodded, obliging by repeating the movement a few times before dragging Maslow up and onto his lap, sitting back to position him better, and then Maslow was moving himself, arms wrapped around Henderson's neck as he pushed himself up and down in a rhythm.

"Oh god, Logan! Just...fuck!"

It was over far too soon for either of them, Henderson unable to hold out much longer and helping Maslow along to his own orgasm so that they came together, limbs seizing up in ecstasy before Henderson pushed him back to the bed again, both of them panting while Maslow's arms came up to keep him from moving away.

"Holy fuck," Maslow breathed.

"Something like that," Henderson replied, strength depleted for the moment. "Why didn't we do that sooner?"

They both knew the answer, though, and chose not to address it, though Henderson did offer, "Don't start feeling guilty. We did nothing wrong."

"I know. Trust me, I'm past the guilt. Fuck them."

Apparently they were going to address it, after all. "Don't hate them for falling in love, James. We did it first."

"I don't, I just...I don't like feeling unneeded. With Mitchell around, Diamond doesn't even need me anymore."

"Diamond doesn't need me, either."

"I do. I need you."

Henderson lifted his head to give a wan smile, knowing Maslow was attempting to make him feel better. "No, you don't."

"Sure I do. Nobody understands me like you do. We're the same, remember? We have to stick together. You need me, too."

Sadness crept up in both of them, Henderson nodding. "I won't let him get rid of you."

"You have the same promise from me. I'll do what I have to."

Neither knew what that might entail, but again Henderson nodded. Whatever it took, they would protect each other.

XXXX


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Author's notes:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

So it looks like for the time being, the writer's block is gone. Yay! Hoping that lasts. This chapter felt better to me, like it's finally starting to go according to plan again. Not to say that what happens in this chapter is the ending I have in mind, but it's the way I planned it to happen along the way.

If I haven't already said it to you in a review reply, Happy Thanksgiving! One of the things I'm grateful for today is the presence of you guys in my life, the joy you give me by reading what I write and telling me so kindly how much you love it. I know it's not perfect and there's always room for improvement, but with your encouragement I keep writing and hopefully getting better as I go along. So thank you, all of you reading this, and especially those who take the time to encourage me and tell me how my words affect you.

If you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, the above applies to you anyway. :)

Thank you to **Aranelle** and **waterwicca** for the betas on this. You guys are the best.

* * *

The long day caught up with James, Henderson watching him drop off to sleep within a few minutes of them falling silent. There had been a lot of emotional moments and changes for both Maslow and Diamond to deal with, and when Henderson looked back on that early morning when he'd first come forward in the shower with Maslow, it seemed like days ago.

He pressed a soft kiss to Maslow's lips, resting his head on Maslow's shoulder and attempting sleep, but instead he laid awake thinking of Diamond and missing him. Where was Diamond hiding, in the cabin again? Was he clutching the doll? And what _about_ the doll? Knowing Diamond, it was probably a representation of Mitchell, not him.

Then again, since Diamond had come out of hiding, they'd made progress. Diamond seemed to trust him, or to at least allow the comfort he had to offer. Of course that changed when Mitchell entered the picture; nobody seemed to be as welcome to Diamond in his times of fear as Mitchell was.

The jealousy rose up again but he fought it down, knowing it was futile. If they couldn't all live together, there would never be any peace. The more he fought Mitchell, the more likely Mitchell would be to suppress him, and then he'd never get to see Diamond _or _Maslow again. He wouldn't even get to live outside the made-up house in their mind. Knocking Mitchell out probably hadn't been his smartest move.

It was such a mess. What he wanted more than anything was to hold Diamond the way Maslow was holding him, to kiss Diamond goodnight and be the one to keep him safe. He loved Maslow, he hadn't lied about that, but just once he wanted to be what Diamond needed. He was tempted to wake Maslow and ask him to go find Diamond, to bring him out so they could talk, or at least kiss, but Maslow would most likely tell him no and to stay out of it. Maslow was an immovable force when it came to protecting Diamond.

He wondered what Mitchell and Maslow had been arguing about when he dragged Mitchell back through the window. He'd heard his own name and that Diamond was in hiding again, but nothing else. He remembered Mitchell being angry, though, more angry than he'd ever witnessed, and could only surmise that they'd been fighting over Diamond.

Staring down at the beautiful sleeping face, Henderson saw Diamond in it and whispered, "You have no idea how many problems you cause, do you? You think you're not good enough, that none of us wants you, but the problem is we _all_ want you. We all want to save you. You're more loved than you could ever imagine, sexy."

Sighing, Henderson extricated himself from Maslow's grasp and sat up. If he couldn't comfort Diamond in the way he wanted to, he'd have to go another route. Henderson never broke a promise, and when Diamond returned it would be to the one thing Henderson could give to him that the others couldn't.

* * *

Henderson was halfway to the donut shop when he felt Mitchell return to consciousness. Bracing himself because he knew it wasn't going to be a fun conversation, he turned down the volume of the radio, muting one of his favorite songs by The Clash.

"Where are we?" Mitchell asked in a panic. It felt to Henderson as if he was sitting in the backseat, peeking between the two front ones. And really, he supposed the metaphor wasn't too far off. "Are you taking me somewhere to kill me?" Mitchell continued.

Only just refraining from rolling his eyes, Henderson halted at a red light. "That's not even possible. Did the chloroform kill your brain cells or what?"

"Is that what that was? How did you even know about that stuff?"

Henderson shrugged. "I read your books. Or at least the one talking about science stuff. Figured I'd find something in there to do the trick."

He felt Mitchell give an outraged mental headshake. "You used my brain against me?!"

"What else am I gonna use, dude? Our brains are the only weapons we have against each other."

He pulled across the intersection, trying to remember where exactly the donut place was. He'd seen it on his random driving excursions, the ones where he usually ended up at the church, and he had the thought that it was too bad there weren't any groups meeting right now because a little bit of God in Mitchell's life wouldn't hurt. Then he wondered if Mitchell could hear his thoughts.

"Why do we need weapons, Henderson? I thought we were on the same side here. When did that change?" Henderson didn't reply, causing Mitchell to prompt, "Is it because I told Diamond I love him? I know that whole thing had to hurt, but you encouraged me to embrace it. You can't hate me for it now."

"You told him you're in love with him? Wow, the things I miss when I'm searching for ways to knock you out."

"Henderson..." Mitchell sighed.

"How'd he react? Something tells me he didn't scream 'Ew, cooties!' and run."

While he'd decided they couldn't hear each others' thoughts, Henderson realized that they could sense feelings because at the moment he knew Mitchell was suffering guilt, and it made him feel like an asshole. "Look, dude. I don't hate you and I don't hate Diamond. We've been through this already and I get it, I know that you can't help loving each other."

"Then what's the problem?"

"The problem is-shit, I just passed it."

"Passed what?"

Henderson replied while making a u-turn right in the middle of the road. "The donut shop."

"You can't just make a u-turn like that in the middle of the street! Do I need to read some driving manuals and put them in the house? You are so lucky there are no cops around right now!"

Henderson smirked as he pulled into the parking lot.

"It's not funny!"

"Just remembering Diamond saying you annoy him. I get why."

"Oh, fine. Make fun of me, but I'll be the one laughing when you get pulled over."

"No, you won't. Because the money for the ticket will come out of your account. It'll be under your name. Logan Mitchell with a record. Now _that's_ funny."

"It is not!" The second Henderson turned the car off, Mitchell said, "Will you get in here so we can talk properly? I'm feeling the need to beat on you for a few minutes."

"Not happening. But we _can_ finish our conversation. It's a problem because Diamond's getting to the point where he doesn't need Maslow anymore. He doesn't even need me."

"Of course he does. Why do you and Maslow think that?"

"Did he witness you telling Diamond your feelings?"

More guilt from Mitchell, though he remained silent.

"I thought so. Is that what you two were fighting about?"

"No, we were fighting because Maslow refused to go in after Diamond when he ran. Is he okay? Is he still hiding?"

"He was when Maslow fell asleep. And I don't care so much that you and Diamond are in love. I care that when he's scared, it's you he runs to. I'm right here, and I thought we were getting somewhere, but the second he was scared it was you he wanted with him. Not me, not even Maslow. And if he doesn't need Maslow anymore, what happens then? What happens when you get past whatever the fuck is wrong with you and don't need me anymore?"

Mitchell made a sound as if he was pulling his hair out. "Are we really doing this again? I thought we talked about it. I'm always going to need you, Henderson. Diamond will always need Maslow."

"I don't think that's true. Diamond's stronger now, he's come so far in just a few days. Imagine what he'll be like in a few more. Once he gets you comfortable with fucking, you won't have any need for me. I'm sure Steph will agree with me on that, the goal is to blend us, right?"

Mitchell sighed, knowing in that Henderson was correct. "This is such a mess."

"That much we agree on."

"But...Henderson. You're wrong to think Diamond won't need you. I need Maslow, no matter how much I love Diamond."

"Why?"

"Because...it's hard to explain. What about you? You've pretty much got Diamond-"

"But I don't."

"But you _do_. He's crazy about you. You've got him, but does that make you love Maslow any less?"

Henderson pondered that, eyes on a couple inside the shop who were picking out donuts. He wished he had Diamond here with him, wished that was them inside right now. He could just see the joy on Diamond's face as he made his choices, hear how excited he would be over the smell of fresh donuts.

And then he remembered the way Maslow had held onto him while they fucked, remembered how beautiful he was in his desperation, the sounds he'd made every time Henderson touched him. It was similar to Diamond and yet it wasn't; would he want to live without that? "No," he said softly to Mitchell. "I don't love him any less. I need him."

"Exactly. Maslow is...he's incredible. I've never known anyone like him. And as much as I love Diamond, I'd never want Maslow to go away. He's..."

When Mitchell struggled for the right words, Henderson supplied, "Your guy."

"Yes!" Mitchell grinned. "He's my guy. Even if he _is_ pissed at me right now. Is he still pissed at me?"

"Uh...maybe a little. At both you _and_ Diamond. But he was really scared when you freaked out on him. I'm sorry that hurt so bad. I didn't know it would."

"You could've just told me you wanted out. I'm not the enemy, Henderson. I'm a reasonable, logical person who understands that you need your time, too."

Henderson sighed, chagrined. "I'm sorry. I was scared."

"There's no need to be. I don't plan to get rid of you. We'll go see Steph tomorrow and figure this all out, but no matter what she or anyone else says, you're not going anywhere. I promise."

"Okay," Henderson finally said. "I believe you."

"Good. Now why are we getting donuts at midnight?"

"Because I promised Diamond jelly donuts. This was supposed to be our date."

"Oh. Why jelly?"

Henderson raised an eyebrow as he opened the car door, then thought better of it and realized he might look like a crazy person talking to himself. He tried thinking the words instead. "Because Diamond loves jelly donuts. You didn't know that? How did you get through a meeting with him and not know that?"

Mitchell shrugged on the inside. "See? He does need you."

"No kidding. Anyone who doesn't know about his love of jelly donuts obviously doesn't know him well at all."

"Point taken."

Henderson grinned as he climbed out and closed the door, wondering if he should get more than one dozen. Mitchell would kill him; Maslow probably would, too. But Diamond's face when he woke to that would be worth it.

"Oh, Henderson?" Mitchell popped up as they stepped inside the shop.

"Yes?" Henderson replied silently.

"He loves chocolate, too. Just saying."

Henderson shook his head, taking the comment for the claim it was. "Reasonable and logical, my ass. You're just as jealous as we are."

"Maybe. But get both."

"And tell him you sent the chocolate?"

"That's up to you."

As he approached the counter to place his order, Henderson asked, "Teamwork, right?"

"Teamwork," Mitchell agreed.

With a smile, Henderson ordered two dozen donuts-one jelly, one chocolate.

* * *

Henderson set the two boxes down on the kitchen table and stripped out of his jacket and hat before making his way to the bedroom. Mitchell had receded again, willing to give him the time he needed with Diamond, and all Henderson could think was that he hoped it wouldn't be in vain; who knew how long it would be before Diamond came out of hiding?

The other option was to wake Maslow and convince him to go in after Diamond again, but Henderson had no idea how to do that. After the talk they'd had earlier, he wouldn't blame Maslow for being a bit paranoid and wanting Diamond to stay under for a while.

All of that dropped away from Henderson's mind, though, when he walked into an empty bedroom. The covers were peeled back, pillows bare of that beautiful face, Henderson not needing to flip on a light because they'd never turned it off. Mitchell would probably start yelling at him about things of that nature soon enough, beds unmade and doors left open, but right now all Henderson cared about was the absence of James in his world.

_Bathroom. He's in the bathroom._

But he wasn't, nor was he in the room they'd given to him.

Why had he left James alone? What had he been thinking? Mitchell would yell at him about this too, about not thinking to even leave a note for James, but thinking ahead wasn't Henderson's strong suit. He lived more in the moment.

What if Diamond had come forward to run back to his mother? Surely Maslow would attempt to stop him, but what if he'd somehow incapacitated Maslow as Henderson had with Mitchell?

"No no no no no. No. Don't even think about leaving us."

He considered calling Mitchell forward and letting him figure out how to handle this, but the thought of Mitchell berating him for letting this happen held him back.

"Think, Logan. Think. Where would he go, if not to his mother's?"

The answer wasn't immediately obvious, but the way to find it was. Henderson slid his phone out of his pocket, placing a call to James' phone. A few seconds later he heard it ring and followed the sound back to his own bedroom, finding it on the nightstand. They wouldn't leave without taking the phone, right?

That left only one more option. Putting the phone away, Henderson rushed to the living room and peeked out onto the balcony, which was enveloped in darkness other than a glint of light off of moving glass. He flipped off the lights around him, looking again and able to see better, and his knees went so weak with relief that he had to lean on the wall.

James, one version of him, was sitting at the tiny patio table with one hand wrapped around a glass. He stared out at the lights below, thoughts a mask. Henderson couldn't be sure, but as it appeared to be chocolate milk he was drinking, the identity of his query came to light.

Smiling hugely, Henderson picked up the cardboard boxes and opened the sliding glass door, poking his head out to ask, "You up to company? I brought you a present, if that sweetens the deal."

A head of dark hair swung his way, dead eyes and a wan smile meeting his own. "Hey, sexy. You disappeared on me."

"I could say the same about you. Glad you came back."

Diamond shrugged, voice a little sad as he replied, "You can't hide from everything, no matter how bad you want to. It doesn't solve anything. Mitchell taught me that."

It hurt, but Henderson didn't let the smile falter. "So can I join you?"

"Depends. What's in the box?"

"If you don't want jelly, then my answer is chocolate."

Chuckling, James asked, "And if I don't want chocolate?"

"Then it's jelly."

"It can't be both, you dork."

"But it can." He stepped onto the balcony and shut the slider, then set the boxes down on the table. Moving the glass out of the way, he lifted the lids and said, "See?"

"You got me both?" Diamond's voice was full of wonder.

"Well...I admit Mitchell suggested the chocolate. We wanted to cover all the bases."

Diamond's face crumpled suddenly as he stared at the donuts, wet eyes lifting to lock with Henderson's darker ones. "What the fuck did I do to deserve you guys?" he whispered.

Heart breaking for the pain he saw, Henderson dragged the other chair over and sank into it, holding out his arms. Diamond went, somehow curling in to fit onto his lap. As Diamond broke down into choked sobbing, Henderson kissed his hair and held him, rubbing his back soothingly while he answered the question.

"You existed. Both of you."

* * *

Glad the clerk at the shop had thrown in a pile of napkins, Henderson plucked a few out of a box and passed them to Diamond after he'd cried for a while. Diamond took them gratefully and wiped at his eyes, mumbling an apology into Henderson's neck.

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because this is a crappy date. It's not at all what you had in mind."

"Are you kidding? This is the best date we've had yet."

"It's the _only_ date we've had," Diamond reminded him.

"Still. We're talking. You're sharing your feelings with me instead of running away. You don't even know what that means to me. Usually Mitchell's the one who sees this side of you. Why is that?"

"I don't know," Diamond shrugged, sniffling a few times before wiping his nose. "I feel like I can cry in front of him and he won't laugh at me."

"Am I laughing right now?"

"No. But I didn't want this for us. I wanted to impress you, show you I can be cool."

Henderson chuckled softly. "I don't care if you're cool. You're just _you_. You don't have to impress me."

"But you make me nervous!"

"How? I don't expect anything from you but to be yourself."

"Okay, but you're..."

"What?" Henderson prompted, hugging Diamond closer. "Talk to me."

"You're just so _hot._"

Now it was a full-on laugh, Henderson flattered. "So are you, crazy. I can't even look at you without wanting to drag you to bed."

Even in the dark Henderson saw the flush rise in Diamond's cheeks, though he argued, "But you feel that way about Maslow, too."

"Honestly?" Henderson replied, hoping Maslow wasn't listening in and that if he was, he'd understand. "I don't. I'll tell you the truth—we had sex. It wasn't horrible."

Diamond's face fell as if he'd been expecting it, eyes shifting down and away.

"I think we both reached our breaking point, and we are very much attracted to each other. But that doesn't mean I don't want you. You're different, you're both as different as...well, me and Mitchell. You find him attractive, right?"

"Yeah, but I'm not really sure why."

Henderson grinned. "He's got that little something about him. I was afraid you'd choose him over me and not need me anymore once you had him, but Mitchell swears that's not true. I've decided to believe him, because I know it's not true in my case with you and Maslow. I need both of you."

Diamond had raised his head, eyes wide as Henderson spoke. "Of course it's not true! Why would you think I don't need you? I think about you all the time!"

"But when you're scared, it's Mitchell you want."

"Not always. He just...he understands me, knows what I've been through."

"And Maslow doesn't?"

"No, he does, but...it's hard. Maslow...I have to be careful what I say to him."

"He's not listening now, is he?"

"No."

"So why do you have to be careful?"

"Because he'll go off. Like with mom, he pushes her too far and then what if she hates me for what he says?"

"Do you really care what she thinks at this point?"

"No." Diamond shook his head adamantly. "Not now. Fuck her. But before tonight I did. And if I break down and tell Maslow how hurt I am about some things, he'll go off and try to fix it."

"Is that bad?"

"It can be. You've never seen him really angry."

"I have, actually," Henderson said quietly. "Tonight. He and Mitchell got into a fight and both of them were yelling pretty loudly."

"They fought? What about?"

"About you." Diamond looked shocked, but Henderson smiled as he continued. "We all love you so much and we have different ways of trying to help you. They fought over how to do that."

"Oh. Damn. I didn't mean to cause problems between them."

"I wouldn't worry about it. You know them, they're both mature enough to get over it. I'm sure they'll be apologizing like crazy next time they meet up. Not like you and me, we'd just get so mad at each other we'd end up fucking it out."

Diamond let out a giggle, resting his head on Henderson's shoulder. "That sounds like fun. Should we scream at each other and test it out right now?"

"Maybe later," Henderson suggested, then reached out for a donut. "What are you in the mood for tonight?"

Staring at the two boxes, Diamond considered with eyes narrowed. "Jelly," he finally answered, and Henderson couldn't have been more pleased.

* * *

They talked quietly as Henderson fed him donuts, about nothing more serious than their favorite foods and making each other laugh through all of it. Diamond remained on his lap, neither in any hurry for him to move, and between the two of them they polished off what amounted to an entire dozen while sharing the chocolate milk.

"You know, this isn't such a horrible date after all," Diamond mused. "Donuts and you? Two of my favorite things."

"I thought I might win you over with those," Henderson grinned. "Look at you, you've actually got powdered sugar on your nose. How did you manage that?"

"You're the one feeding it to me. Your aim must suck."

"Oh really? I seem to remember you liking my aim just fine," Henderson replied smoothly, licking at a spot of chocolate at the corner of Diamond's lips, and just like that Diamond was breathless. "Fucking love the way you get hot over me."

"Who wouldn't?" Diamond whispered, breathing shallow. His fingers curled into Henderson's shirt. "Can we spend all night together? I didn't ruin that, did I?"

"Hell, no. I'm still fucking you into oblivion at least three times before morning."

"Logan, fuck!"

It was strange the way it sounded almost exactly the same coming from Diamond, but at the same time it struck him a thousand times more intensely than it had when Maslow uttered the words. There was no question he was attracted to Maslow, but Diamond reached in and touched something in him that no one ever had before, making him just as desperate as Diamond always seemed when they hooked up. He stood up fast, Diamond in his arms like a bride. "Get the door."

Diamond did, awkwardly sliding it open and then closing it once they were inside, his body literally trembling with need. That body had been sated less than two hours ago, and yet Diamond acted as if he hadn't had sex in years—further proof of what Henderson had tried to tell Mitchell, that even if you weren't physically feeling something, your mind could trick you into thinking you were.

They were almost to the bedroom when Henderson thought better of it, spinning around to deposit Diamond near the wall in the living room. "Strip," he ordered, watching Diamond shudder at the harsh command before moving down the hall and into the bedroom to collect what they needed. When he returned, Diamond was removing the last of his clothing, pants coming off quickly to reveal a wide expanse of golden skin. Suddenly reminded that Diamond had a strict regimen he followed that included things like tanning and working out, Henderson vowed to get him back into that the following day so there could be order in his life again.

He stepped forward to place a kiss between Diamond's shoulderblades, Diamond gasping and pressing his hands against the wall for balance. Removing his own clothes and noting that Diamond wasn't even attempting to turn back and watch but was instead waiting with obvious anticipation, he asked, "Have you ever been blindfolded?"

Diamond shivered, shaking his head.

"I bet you'd love it. Not right now, though. Right now I don't have the patience to tease you."

"Maybe...maybe later?"

"Definitely."

Satisfied, Diamond managed to nod before completely losing coherency when Henderson stretched him. Visions went through Henderson's head, all the different things he wanted to explore with Diamond, knowing that Diamond would be a willing participant in anything he asked. It was dizzying, the power Diamond afforded him by giving up control so completely, but because he knew he would never purposely hurt Diamond he didn't feel too guilty about it.

He wasted no time pressing in, Diamond groaning at the intrusion but eagerly meeting it while bracing his hands to push off the wall. Once again Diamond's head fell back onto his shoulder and Henderson sucked at his neck before whispering, "I missed you."

"Prove it," Diamond begged softly. "Own me."

It was everything Henderson wanted, and with no further hesitation, he did.

XXXX


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: **The characters Logan Mitchell and James Diamond do not belong to me but to the creators of Big Time Rush. The other two...well, they are made up for this story but based on actual people. I mean no disrespect to the men I'm borrowing from, nor do I think these events have ever or would ever happen in real life. It's just for fun and I hope it offends no one.

**Author's notes:**

First I must warn you that while this is technically not Real People Slash, I'm walking a fine line here. Maslow and Henderson are, in this story, not actual people but characters that are made up. If you refuse to read anything even remotely RPS, you don't want to read this. Like I said, fine line. Back away now if RPS squicks you at all.

This story has the potential to become confusing at times, so as I'm writing it I sometimes refer to them as James and Logan, other times Mitchell, Diamond, Maslow, or Henderson. If it becomes too much to keep up with, let me know and I will start referring to them solely by their last names to differentiate between personalities.

Okay guys, here's the deal. This isn't a full chapter, it's only a half or so, but it's all I have written and the truth is I don't know when (or even if) I'll be writing more, so I wanted to at least post what I have. I honestly don't know if I'll be writing BTR fic in the future. I'm not going to say for sure I won't be, because I've said this before and changed my mind, but if I do get back into it, it won't be anytime soon. I'm sorry, I know how much some of you love this story, and I love it, too. Reading this piece over just now, I wanted to write again. But...right now, I can't. And it's not that my love for BTR has faded, the opposite is actually true. I think it has to do with the fact that I've spoken with James face-to-face a handful of times over the past month and it's really hard to look him in the eye and know he would probably be disgusted with this stuff. So...for now, I'm on hiatus.

Thank you to those of you who have read my work and given me such wonderful messages and reviews and who encouraged me to keep going over the past two years. Writing fic has been one of the most rewarding things I've ever done, and again—I may change my mind. But for now, I love you guys so much and hope you still love me, too.

This is entirely unbetaed. I didn't send this to anyone to read over, so blame me if it sucks. Thank you to **Aranelle**, **waterwicca,** and **jdmazz** for all the beta help in the past and for always being encouraging and supportive of me.

* * *

For the third morning in a row, Logan Mitchell woke up wrapped around James. He felt it was proof of a theory he'd been working on, that sleep somehow set them back to their default personalities. He was positive it would be Diamond waking up with him, knowing the anomaly of the previous morning had been due to Diamond's disappearing act-hence, the presence of Maslow instead.

Then again, for all Mitchell knew, Diamond might still be in hiding. His body was pleasantly sore though, in all the right places, so there was a good chance it had been Diamond and Henderson who had occupied the bed for the night. He supposed it also could've been Maslow and Henderson, and chose not to dwell on that; jealousy did them no good.

_Maslow. _ Henderson had said he was still angry. Would he be now? Had his temper cooled off, as Mitchell's had? There was one way to find out, he supposed.

When he shifted, James rolled over onto his back, spreading out but still in the land of dreams. Mitchell discovered they were both naked and his heart rate sped up, though he'd suspected it. Taking a deep breath, he braced himself and removed the blanket to leave James exposed. Truly a magnificent body, Logan's eyes raking down over golden skin and firm abs to settle below, on the part of James that seemed to set off a panic in him every time he came into contact with it.

It wasn't menacing, an appendage that Logan knew performed necessary bodily functions; he could map out every inch of it, explain what each part did and why. There was no reason to be afraid, and though he'd told them it was his fear of distraction and the loss of control that came with sex that scared him so badly, the truth was it ran deeper. There was something inside his brain that seized up with paralysis at the mere thought of being physically intimate with a man. He'd considered it with females and quickly come to the conclusion that they held no interest for him. A girl had tried to kiss him in junior high and he had diverted her, horrified but apologetic; girls simply weren't for him.

Men had been attractive to him in a way women hadn't, but though he knew that to be true, he shied away from it as well. While girls did nothing for him, guys stirred up his senses and caused him all kinds of grief. He'd dealt with it by not dealing with it, by mentally running just as surely as Diamond did. Stifling every urge until there'd been no choice but to explode or go insane, he'd channeled it all into a separate personality that for some strange reason he'd called Henderson, choosing the latter option and effectively going insane.

And now look at the mess he was in. He'd thought he was getting a handle on it, on his mental illness, and that he could learn about his alter ego and come up with a method of attacking the problem. Instead he'd grown to like Henderson, to view Henderson as the friend and partner he'd never had, and then James had come into his life to turn everything upside down again. Recognizing in Diamond someone who shared his fears and needed a friend who understood, Mitchell had been drawn to Diamond rather than shying away from a man who was so beautiful he would've sent Logan running under normal circumstances.

Studying the figure of beauty before him now, Logan smiled. It felt good to have a friend, to be loved. As aggravating as Diamond could be, as intense as Maslow could be, he wouldn't undo any of the past week. Maybe it was time for a change, time to face his fears and overcome them for a chance at a semi-normal life with a beautiful man who loved him and had overcome so much himself to be able to show it.

Swallowing hard, Logan reached out a hand slowly to run down over James' chest, his stomach, fingers lightly grazing James' thigh and stopping there. The reaction was immediate, James' length thickening and growing while Logan tried not to hyperventilate.

_Relax. He can't hurt you. It can't hurt you. Henderson loves it-craves it, in fact. So do_ _Diamond and Maslow. There's nothing to be afraid of, Logan._

Repeating that mantra, Mitchell allowed his fingers to run up the underside of it, over the head and back down, his eyes glued to every movement. He licked his lips and managed to wrap the hand around, thumb brushing over the tip before he ripped his hand away.

James' hand shot out to grab his wrist, shocking a yelp out of Mitchell as he held it tight. Their eyes met and it was Diamond who was breathless, Diamond whose voice was gentle when he urged, "Don't stop. You were doing fine."

"I'm scared," Logan whispered.

"No need to be. Try again. Take your time."

When he was sure Mitchell wasn't going to bolt, Diamond let go of his wrist and scooted closer, erection jutting up and now imposing to Mitchell.

"It's okay. Touch it." When Logan still hesitated, James grabbed his hand and guided it back into place, wrapping it around while keeping his hand over Logan's.

Logan was both terrified and mesmerized.

"You did it once before, remember? The first night I was here, something came over you and made you touch me."

"It was Henderson."

"It was not Henderson, not at first. Remember that feeling, remember how you wanted me."

Breathing heavier, Mitchell felt the panic returning and willed himself not to run.

"Is Henderson around?" Diamond asked softly.

"N-no." Mitchell shook his head. "Sleeping, maybe."

"Good. This is your time, time to explore me and see I'm not scary."

"It's not you, James, it's...this." Logan squeezed to make his point, eyes widening when Diamond responded with a whimper and hardened even more in his grasp.

"You have no idea how good that feels," he grated, "or how hard I'm fighting to hold back. But I will, I'll do whatever you need to get past this."

"I do know," Mitchell replied. "Maslow got that far with me one night, before I ran. It um...it felt really good."

"Yeah?" Pouncing like a cat, Diamond had Mitchell on his back and their positions reversed in two seconds. Mitchell gasped at the feel of a large, warm hand wrapped around him, and then his vision was blocked by pink lips and hazel eyes that were heated through with desire.

"You're so much hotter than you think. The first night I saw you I wanted to hate you because you scared me but I offered you a donut anyway, because you were so gorgeous sitting there all terrified. I wanted to take you somewhere and wipe that nerdiness away. I bet you're an animal when you let go."

"Well, I'm Henderson when I let go. Is he an animal?"

Diamond shook his head. "No, Logan. He's a part of you, but he's not you. I want to hear _you_ screaming my name when you come, begging me for more when I fuck you into the bed."

"James," Logan managed, panting through the warring reactions in his body. Adrenaline was running high due to both arousal and fear, and when James' hand started moving he let out a terrified moan.

"Tell me that doesn't feel good."

"It does, it's...it's...oh God, it's so good, but you have to stop. Please."

"Why?" James leaned down to kiss him gently, hand still moving, and whispered, "If you give me a good reason, I will."

"Because," Logan whined, fingers digging into the mattress, "it's wrong."

Another soft kiss. "Why is it wrong?"

"Because! Because, they told me! James, stop, please stop!"

Almost in tears now, Logan shoved him away, James allowing it. With narrowed eyes, he stared down at Logan and asked, "Who? Who told you it was wrong?"

Logan buried his face in the pillow, body trembling. James ran a soothing hand over his hair, then down his back. "Talk to me, Logan. Who said it was wrong?"

The shaking subsided, Logan keeping his face pressed to the pillow until James laid down and pulled him into an embrace. "Do you want Maslow? Would you feel better talking to him?"

Shaking his head, Logan burrowed deeper into Diamond. "No. Just...do this. This is perfect."

"Can you tell me who said it was wrong to have sex?"

After a pause, Mitchell answered, "No."

"Why not?"

"Because...because I don't remember."

* * *

Surprisingly, Diamond didn't push. Perhaps because he hated it when others dug at him, or perhaps because he didn't want to send him running, he allowed Mitchell to remain silent and held him.

When he felt capable of normal conversation, Mitchell ventured, "So I guess cuddling isn't a horrible experience anymore?"

"You needed me," Diamond replied. "There's a lot I'd do for you that I wouldn't do for anyone else."

Mitchell nodded in agreement. "Did you and Henderson have a nice time?"

"Yeah, we really did." Hugging Logan tighter as if Henderson would feel it, he continued, "We finally had our donut date. Thanks for the chocolate."

"Couldn't have you forgetting about me completely."

Diamond chuckled, kissing Mitchell's forehead. "Not gonna happen. But we had an amazing night, once I came out of hiding."

"Maslow go in after you?"

"Nope. I came out on my own. Woke up in this bed and remembered all of it, wanted to run but I remembered you telling me I had to face things. So I did."

Tilting his head up to look Diamond in the eyes, Mitchell kissed his chin and smiled. "I'm proud of you. Might even make you a big breakfast just for that."

"Yeah?" Diamond beamed, eyes lighting up. "Do I get pancakes this time?"

"You get whatever you want."

Logan's phone buzzed on the nightstand, him reaching over James to grab it. "Crap, I never called Mom last night. And I need to call Steph and make sure she can see us today."

"Do that after we shower."

Raising an eyebrow, Logan set his phone back down and asked, "Oh, are we showering together again?"

"Of course we are."

"Are you going to insult me again?"

"Probably. And I'll force you to use my shampoo and conditioner. Shit, did Maslow pack that stuff? I'll kill him if he didn't."

The mention of Maslow had Mitchell biting his lip and looking away.

"You haven't talked to him since the fight, have you?"

"You know about the fight?"

"Henderson told me. He said you guys were arguing over how to help me."

Mitchell shrugged. "I guess that's accurate. He's not used to having someone else take care of you."

"He loves me. I treated him like shit a lot of the time, but he loves me."

"Best friend you've ever had, right?"

Diamond nodded, knowing Mitchell understood. "Want to talk to him before we get up and shower?"

Suddenly nervous, Mitchell shrugged. "Is he around?"

"He will be if I call him. Come on, you know you'd make me talk to Henderson if we were fighting."

Heaving a deep sigh, Mitchell groaned. "Okay. Go get him, we all need to be on good terms when we face Steph."

XXX


End file.
